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Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/13/2012 8:48:19 PM

SoftBonds

Posts: 862
Joined: 2/10/2012
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If you were a sub, what level of service would be "too much?"
Taking care of Master's small children?
Cleaning the toilet?
Cleaning the dog's accident off the carpet?
Asking cause as old as I am I am new to the scene (finally pursuing what I want instead of just what the people around me want), and I don't want to ask a sub for too much and have her torn between saying no or being disgusted.
Thanks for your input and time!

Post #: 1

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/13/2012 8:52:13 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

for him? Nothing is too small but we match on most things because we took the time to date and get to know one another and talk allll the time before getting involved seriously.

It's all going to come down to how well two people interact together so how my relationship works it may not work that way for anyone else.

Instead of asking this, find someone first and then ask that person.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 2

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/13/2012 8:57:26 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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For me, it comes down to the inspiration to please as opposed to the task itself.
While there are many things I'd rather not do, his pleasure takes precedence.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 3

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/13/2012 9:02:57 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

+1 poise. I agree -- to me, it's more about the person than whatever specific task.
None of those things sound particularly horrible, but once you've found someone who earnestly wants to serve you, sometimes the exact specifics become a non-issue.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 4

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/13/2012 9:05:57 PM

SoftBonds

Posts: 862
Joined: 2/10/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

for him? Nothing is too small but we match on most things because we took the time to date and get to know one another and talk allll the time before getting involved seriously.

It's all going to come down to how well two people interact together so how my relationship works it may not work that way for anyone else.

Instead of asking this, find someone first and then ask that person.

I agree with what you are saying (except where you wrote "too small" instead of "too much"). That is my intent.
I guess what I'm trying to ask is how I can make sure I have asked the right questions before putting on the "master hat," so that I don't blindside someone.
I don't want to have to constantly ask my sub "Is it ok if I order you to..." I think that would drive any real sub to distraction. But it is the master's job to take care of the sub, in exchange for service, right? I need to see what the sub needs mentally, and while part of that is pushing her to do things she is curious but afraid of, part of it is protecting her and not pushing too hard.
Am I right? As you can see, absolutely no experience as a dom.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 5

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/13/2012 9:44:13 PM

Winterapple

Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline

I don't foresee you encountering any submissives who are
curious but scared about cleaning up dog poop.
You may very well encounter ones who balk at it
and decline to do it and if having dog poop
cleaned up is important you'll need to weigh
your options.
Before you become anyones master you'll
need to have some in-depth conversations.
Most notably about what you both want and
need in a relationship.
Some are very service oriented. I love scrubbing
things, doing the laundry, shining shoes,
all the Cinderella tasks make me happy.
If you meet someone who wants to serve you
on that level you won't have to prompt her
on every little thing. But no relationship comes
gift boxed. You have to communicate before
and afterwards. Also you might meet someone
who wants to serve you in some of the ways
you seek but is unable to because she has
other commitments, like work or a family of
her own. You'll just have to hash it out and
improvise as in any relationship.
Your not omnipotent and shouldn't put
that sort of pressure on yourself.
Your a human who will be in a relationship
with another human.

_____________________________

A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 6

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/13/2012 9:58:18 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Before worrying about what a sub will or won't do in a live-in type situation, try dating the sub first. That way you both get to know each other. The service and the orders can come gradually as you both get to know one another.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 7

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/13/2012 10:52:08 PM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline

What is "too much" for one person will be totally ok for another, and vice versa. Communicate, get to know the person, and in time you will figure it out.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 8

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/13/2012 11:00:52 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

get to know the girl, and make sure you start slow... Most people will resent total complete changes overnight. Take in account their schedule. Will what you ask take away from their sleep? Will it cause too much stress? Will it cause other areas in their lives to suffer? Once you take those into account talk and communicate....

Is she service oriented? Is she personal service oriented? Does she really not enjoy service at all?

What is her drive and her motivation? Is it to please you? Is the rewards of her service worth the effort?

Ill be frank, I dont submit because making a dom happy is my only goal in life. I get off on being told im a good girl, I like having a treat jar with coupons in it..I know my service is not only appreciated but with out it most would be somewhat lost with out it...

I dont know any submissive who will stay in a relationship where there needs arent met.. I dont know many who wont stay when their needs arent met and their wants are not met at least with some regularity...

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)

Post #: 9

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/14/2012 2:02:29 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Damn, the ladies answered this well.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 10

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/14/2012 5:36:15 AM

hellionsLight

Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline

I do what Master says. No matter how annoying it may be. We work well together because we are compatible, so the things I don't want to do, he usually doesn't want either.

_____________________________

Lights

http://anewslave.blogspot.com

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 11

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/14/2012 6:19:03 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoftBonds

If you were a sub, what level of service would be "too much?"........I don't want to ask a sub for too much and have her torn between saying no or being disgusted.

"Too much" is a subjective term. What constitutes "too much" is going to vary for every individual, and for every relationship.

I've always found that how much I was willing to give was a function of the relationship, and the person that I was involved with.

I once had a 24/7 live-in D/s relationship where I did ALL of the household chores. Everything! She never washed a dish or cooked a meal. I cleaned the house, washed all the laundry, cooked all meals (or took her out to dinner), chauffeured her everywhere she needed to go, ran her bath water and bathed her, gave her nightly massages, etc. 100% of my non-work time was dedicated to serving her, and I never felt that the arrangement was unfair. But that was because she worked equally hard to meet my needs, and to make sure that I was happy and satisfied in the relationship.

Rather than asking whether you're asking her for "too much", instead ask yourself "Am I giving equal value in return?"

Remember that even D/s relationships are a two-way street. Your sub/slave has needs too. She has things that she enjoys, and things that she doesn't enjoy. She has things that make her feel really happy, and things that make her upset. And it's your job to know what those things are. Unlike the fantasy that some Doms/Dommes like to portray, it really isn't "all about you". There are two people in the relationship, and both have to be happy, or it isn't going to work.

If you work hard to be the Dom of her dreams, I doubt she'll have a problem with cleaning a toilet or occasionally cleaning up dog poop.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 2/14/2012 6:25:40 AM >

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 12

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/14/2012 6:21:43 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

It's an individual thing that morphs on a case by case basis. This is where leadership comes in - the ability to have a plan and overall goals as a couple, and also seeing each person involved as an individual and unique. It's like work, the company can't exist without certain things happening, but you also can't treat everyone as an interchangeable puzzle piece and have a one size fits all attitude towards the individual workers. Maybe that's a good model for you to use as a general outline while you get your feet wet...work. Think about the bosses you've had that you admire and why, then about the ones that you disliked and drove you crazy.

As to your specific questions, there's almost nothing I wouldn't do for someone I care about and I wouldn't consider it an imposition either. I LIKE doing things for my loved ones- it's a need I have that I have to fulfill or I get anxious and uncomfortable. If I just met you then it's tricky because one thing that triggers my submission is feelings and familiarity- that takes time to grow. However, if I know and care for you or not, if I feel that I'm doing things at your request while you are not giving me, or us, anything back- then you cross over into lazy territory and I won't be interested in you any longer. It's the boss thing again, the good bosses are the ones you work hard for because you see them working hard too. I have a lot to offer, I won't be wasting that on people that don't deserve it.

As the others have suggested, get to know someone. Date. Find out if your personalities mesh. Don't play a role - when men try to act like a Dominant they come off as being weak, just be yourself. Some of it will come naturally to you, especially when you get to know her better and you feel more comfortable and get clues as to what makes her tick. I am attracted to good leaders who are honest and get up there and take charge. If I'm sold on that then I'll clean up the dog poop and never think twice. If you come off as selfish and it seems as though you think you are entitled to things from me because of some label you slapped onto yourself then you can clean up the poop yourself and probably after I gave it a toss in your direction.

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 13

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/14/2012 6:48:40 AM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
Status: offline

There is no pre-defined notion of what is too much or too little - with any aspect of BDSM - pain, service, etc.

Step 1: Define what you are looking for - what you feel will make you feel fulfilled as a Dominant - in terms of play, service, etc.

Step 2: Seek and find a submissive who shares the same outlook across the same dimensions.

Step 3: Enjoy a mutually fulfilling relationship together.

See how easy that was?

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 14

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/14/2012 7:22:41 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

The line would be on whether we were living together or not.

If we weren't living together, I'd wouldn't do any of those things. If I'm working full time and keeping my own house clean......I'm not going over to your house to be your babysitter and house cleaner.

If we were living together, I'd view those items as normal things that any couple has to do to maintain their home and relationship.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 2/14/2012 7:23:17 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)

Post #: 15

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/14/2012 7:47:53 AM

libraryladysub

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/30/2011
Status: offline

This is very enlightening to me. All this time, I thought i would have to do everything a Master might require...no matter how much it frightened or disgusted me.

And that i have needs/wants that are meant to be fulfilled rather than denied? what a novel concept! food for thought...

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 16

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/14/2012 8:07:41 AM

SoftBonds

Posts: 862
Joined: 2/10/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: libraryladysub

This is very enlightening to me. All this time, I thought i would have to do everything a Master might require...no matter how much it frightened or disgusted me.

And that i have needs/wants that are meant to be fulfilled rather than denied? what a novel concept! food for thought...

OF COURSE!!!
You are a human being too. Your master's job is to find out what you need and provide it, at least on a emotional level. You have beliefs about what your service means. For example, if you like to serve so that you can be told that you did well, imagine a master who delegates telling you what to do to another sub, who just tells you "clean the bathroom and tell me when it's done," and then sends you on another chore when you finish. You would never get an "attaboy," and would be miserable.
Likewise, if you want to serve, and want companionship, a master who just wants you to do what he wants in the bedroom and then leave him alone the rest of the time would drive you bonkers.
That is why I'm kinda scared of the responsibility...

(in reply to libraryladysub)

Post #: 17

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/14/2012 8:09:32 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

There is nothing he could ask me to do that would be too much (cause i know he would not ask me to do anything immoral or illigal). I want to do everythig i can to make him happier and make his life easire. Even though i might not alway like the taskes i am happy to do it for him because i love him.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to libraryladysub)

Post #: 18

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/14/2012 8:28:41 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

As other's have said, I think you went wrong as soon as you started thinking about "a sub" in the generic sense. Where are you planning on finding this generic relationship with a generic sub? The closest I can come to that in my head would be a one-off play date. I should expect that there'd be a ton of things which would be "too much" for such a thing.

Overall, I'd say you've got a lot of internet wisdom in your thinking that you need to shake. None of the things you're thinking about are what actually happens when two actual people meet. Were you seriously planning on having a strange woman clean your bathrooms for you on your first date?

Perhaps it'd help you to settle down some and just think of it as a leadership position. First, find someone willing to be led by you. Second, pick a goal. Third, lead the two of you to that goal paying a great deal of attention to feedback as you get it. Fourth, don't be an asshat.

Honestly, I think that should really cover it for you.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 19

RE: Too much to ask of a sub? - 2/14/2012 8:57:23 AM

libraryladysub

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/30/2011
Status: offline

oh yes...those are my sentiments also, littleone35. But i tended to forget that this was supposed to be a two -way relationship...thought i had to do things "His way or the highway". He didn't make me feel that way--it must have just been the way I was brought up to believe submission/slavery worked.

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 20

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