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being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to dea... - 2/22/2012 3:49:16 AM   
MyHazelLabyrinth


Posts: 112
Joined: 8/12/2011
Status: offline 		Hello :)

So this post is all about how to go about it with vanilla friends. I don't know if this may seem a stupid thread to some, but to me it is important.

So, normally (lol) i like to keep my vanilla friends and life away from that related to kink. It's just my way of things, and it works for me or has been working for me fine.

But ever since my mother raided my laptop, well she has been telling a particular friend all about it. And how she sees this (BDSM, D/s etc) unhealthy and that all that partake in it are mentally ill/disturbed. I tried to explain it to her, the basics and softly, but you can't try and make someone understand when all they want to do is judge.

Anyway, this friend who i'm quite good with is not accepting this part of me. I want to at some stage find the courage to tell other vanilla friends about this part of me, so i don't have to lie or hide things. I don't like lieing or hiding things. But with responses like "I want to talk to you about my concerns about your behaviour and the new people you are associating with" in ref to me starting to get involved in my local BDSM community.

He finds it disturbing aswell, and this really bothers me.

I guess with all this waffle, i'm asking is have you come out to your vanilla friends and how did they handle that? Or do you prefer to keep it quiet?
Or if you have had bad reaction from your vanilla friends how did you go from there? Or what would you do if you were in my position of possibly losing a friend because i'm not fully accepted?
Sorry for all the questions, but i guess i'm just fishing

thanks for reading :)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 4:02:09 AM   
DaNewAgeViking


Posts: 1009
Joined: 4/29/2004
Status: offline 		Your question is not stupid, Hazel. In fact, as you point out, you have been victimized by people who not so much cannot as will not accept your individualism and your needs. There are always those who will condemn anyone who doesn't meet their narrow definition of a 'proper' lifestyle (ask any Republican), and honestly, you don't need them. There are also those who will accept your way if you are honest and non-pushy about it. Long story short, you need to cultivate a better class of friends, and not necessarily in the lifestyle. Anyone you have to walk on eggshells for fear of offending them is someone not worthy of your friendship.

All my best on that.

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 4:45:04 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		If I lost a friend because they found out I was kinky and couldn't accept it and leave it alone, I'd cry be hurt and then say oh well better off with out them. True friends don't have to like what you do, but they won't hound you all the time about your personal choices, provided you're not waving it around like a matador waving a red flag in the face of the bull. in my opinion.



_____________________________

One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to DaNewAgeViking)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 4:49:24 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I didn't give my friends and family enough details to worry them. I'd been "alternative" for years so BDSM was just part of a continuum.

"When Someone You Love is Kinky" might be helpful: http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1329914557&sr=8-2

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 4:51:36 AM   
nashsub4fun


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/13/2011
Status: offline 		This is not a stupid question and one that many have struggled with. Although we all say "screw them and their judgments", down deep it hurts when a trusted friend or family member stands in judgement. It can also be a bit un-nerving to feel so exposed. The only person i've shared my needs with is my husband who has shut me down and not want to understand or talk about the lifestyle and partake in any activities. My solution has been to find friends in the lifestyle.

As for how to deal with people who judge you, be a lady no matter how you chose to respond.

i think a bigger question here is: why did your mother invade your laptop? I looked at your profile, and although you are young, i am assuming at 20, you are also mature enough to make your own decisions. i am the mother to a 21 year old and would not invade her privacy like this. If i suspected her personal safety was a risk, maybe, but as a norm i would not do that. Have you thought about password protection on your laptop?

You need to talk to your mother about respecting your personal space and not damaging the trust you should be able to have for her. If you can't trust her, how can your talk to her about what is going on in your life? Explain to her that she raised you to make your own way in life and be a productive member of society. You should also talk to her about divulging personal information to a friend. She had no right to do that! Regardless of the fact that you are her child, you are not a child, you are a woman who is trying to discover herself.

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 4:55:35 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		I have a few years on you, Hazel, and have quite a few good firends.
Not once have I ever felt it necessary to tell them about my sexual activities.
Even if some of the things are considered vanilla, I still wouldn't say
"Hey Sally, I gave the best blow job ever last night!"

Also, what's so unnatural about the man taking the lead in a relationship?

I find it odd that you are more concerned about how to discuss this with your male
friend than with your mother, who happened to be the one to tell your male friend.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 5:01:16 AM   
MyHazelLabyrinth


Posts: 112
Joined: 8/12/2011
Status: offline 		thankyou for your response, i think i may need to make myself some better friends but i really hope i dont lose this friend through something like this :) thanks again for your imput :)

(in reply to DaNewAgeViking)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 5:11:41 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Is he concerned about you or does he think BDSM is "sick?"

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 5:40:26 AM   
MyHazelLabyrinth


Posts: 112
Joined: 8/12/2011
Status: offline 		damn, i just got a rather insulting email stating that what i'm doing is immoral and that the people in this lifestyle are messed up etc. well i guess the ending of the friendship sorting itself out,
though as this is my friend and it is part of my original post, how would i go about things with future vanilla friends or just keep it quiet?

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 7:12:20 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Some parents believe, regardless of your age or not, if you live under their roof,you have no right to privacy and it's their right to go through your things. Don't like it you can move out. it's my way or the highway. Some people are just really nosey and disrespectful.
quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsub4fun



i think a bigger question here is: why did your mother invade your laptop? I looked at your profile, and although you are young, i am assuming at 20, you are also mature enough to make your own decisions. i am the mother to a 21 year old and would not invade her privacy like this.


< Message edited by Toppingfrmbottom -- 2/22/2012 7:13:16 AM >

_____________________________

One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to nashsub4fun)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 7:21:10 AM   
SoftBonds


Posts: 862
Joined: 2/10/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MyHazelLabyrinth

damn, i just got a rather insulting email stating that what i'm doing is immoral and that the people in this lifestyle are messed up etc. well i guess the ending of the friendship sorting itself out,
though as this is my friend and it is part of my original post, how would i go about things with future vanilla friends or just keep it quiet?


I think someone else pointed out that even in the vanilla world you don't say "Man, I got a great blowjob last night." I wouldn't announce it to the world. That said, don't "hide," it either, it is part of you, and nothing to be ashamed of. If you have a friend over to help you get ready for a night out, and she sees your leather bustier on the hanger and asks, you say "Yeah, (name of boyfriend) loves it," and leave it at that.
If you have a really close friend, certainly you can share, and if they are a true friend they won't judge you for it, they will just say "cool," and listen. Or they may say something like "I've had feelings like that, but never known what to do about it." and ask you for your support.
As for the e-mail, if you really want to keep his as a friend, ask him to choose between judging you and being your friend. When you put it that way, he will either send another judgmental e-mail and confirm that he isn't your friend, or go "I want to keep her as a friend," and back off.
But if your mother felt she could confide in this guy, I think he is more her friend than yours. You could suggest that your mom mother him and leave you alone...

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 7:23:23 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MyHazelLabyrinth

damn, i just got a rather insulting email stating that what i'm doing is immoral and that the people in this lifestyle are messed up etc. well i guess the ending of the friendship sorting itself out,
though as this is my friend and it is part of my original post, how would i go about things with future vanilla friends or just keep it quiet?


Casual chat and friendship is the design of the devil. 

FatherConfessor

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 7:31:52 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Rule #1: Anyone who is my friend must actually respect me.
By "respect" I don't mean that weird BDSM thing called "respect". I mean actual respect.. where they hold my thoughts in high esteem. In other words, them saying things like, "You're judgement is so fucked up that you have no idea what you want or need and what's healthy for you so I need to treat you as a child." means they are not my friend. People who are not my friend get treated as such. I'm kind of a realist that way.

Rule #2: Anyone who is my friend I must actually respect.
That means that I assume the people I have chosen as friends are mature enough to hear bits of information like this and ask appropriate questions as needed until they actually understand. I don't assume before hand that they are all clueless fools so I best not tell them anything. If I were your friend and you failed to mention something like this because you felt I wouldn't handle it well, I'd be really hurt. It speaks volumes about how you see me. I treat my own friends with that in mind.

In other words... I deal with my friends on a reality basis. If they do not know me they are not my friend. If they do not see me, they are not my friend. If we don't both mutually respect each other, they are not my friend. I would call the sorts of folks you're talking about "acquaintances". I would urge you to remember that this is your one and only life. You should be authentic in it. You should, to quote Maria Shriver, commit to "attending your own life as yourself." It seems to me that inevitably, if you choose to go on living a split life then events like this are going to happen. This is as good a time as any to get a solid set of boundaries in place that you're willing to defend. For my own self, I just choose friends who actually like me.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 7:39:30 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MyHazelLabyrinth
i'm asking is have you come out to your vanilla friends and how did they handle that? Or do you prefer to keep it quiet?
Or if you have had bad reaction from your vanilla friends how did you go from there? Or what would you do if you were in my position of possibly losing a friend because i'm not fully accepted?


When I was vanilla, I did not discuss my sex life with my friends. Now that I'm kinky, I still don't discuss my sex life with my friends. It's none of their business. The only people that need to be concerned about my sex life are the people involved in my sex life. Period.

If someone found out and had an issue with it, my response would be "I'm the same person that I've always been and we're not discussing this."

The bottom line is that you can't make them accept this part of you. If they can't accept it, you'll probably need to move on (which sucks).


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 7:49:12 AM   
MyHazelLabyrinth


Posts: 112
Joined: 8/12/2011
Status: offline 		thankyou so much for your reply, that's a great ultimatum or whatever they are called, and in regards to my mother it isnt that she did because she can confide in him, she is just the type that splatters your business all over the sidewalk because she gets a kick out of it, she has a minor case of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) so it think it may have something to do with it,

thanks again though about the advice and to everyone, i cant seem to post much but i thankyou all so so much for all your replies :)

(in reply to SoftBonds)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 7:52:08 AM   
MyHazelLabyrinth


Posts: 112
Joined: 8/12/2011
Status: offline 		i really appreciate everything you have said

you are so right, and thankyou for going itno such detail too, it helps alot.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 7:57:32 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Most of my friends know that i am into bdsm and have a master.  Actually  most of them have met Master.  They don't necessarly understand  but if it makes me happy (and they can see Master does) then it is all good with them.  These are friends good friends not casual ones.  I don't tell them about my sex life, but i did give them some links to read when they asked about it.  My friends are supportive.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 8:02:24 AM   
MissKittyDeVine


Posts: 1054
Joined: 9/24/2011
Status: offline 		When people react that strongly, I always wonder what they´re so afraid of about themselves.

Many people who would not identify as kinky do stuff that kinky people do ...

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyHazelLabyrinth

damn, i just got a rather insulting email stating that what i'm doing is immoral and that the people in this lifestyle are messed up etc. well i guess the ending of the friendship sorting itself out,
though as this is my friend and it is part of my original post, how would i go about things with future vanilla friends or just keep it quiet?



_____________________________

Sanity is overrated. Live la vida loca

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 8:38:59 AM   
Exidor


Posts: 135
Joined: 12/31/2011
Status: offline
quote:

When people react that strongly, I always wonder what they´re so afraid of about themselves.


Is there such a thing as Closet Dom Syndrome?

The first time a girl asked me to spank her nearly ruined a very nice sexual encounter. "YOW! DON'T GO THERE! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!" Later, another girlfriend kept exhibiting what I would now recognize as classic brat behavior, picked a fight, and then dropped to her knees and begged to be my slave. That triggered near instantaneous major wood along with an outburst of "WHAT THE HELL IS *WRONG* WITH YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH?!" (and the backchannel thought of, what the hell was wrong with ME?!, but it's always easiest to project your own problems onto someone else...) And that was the end of that relationship.

It took a good ten years after that for me to finally admit what I was, and more to become comfortable with it. Which wasn't a particularly pleasant experience. I would simply have avoided the subject altogether, but things didn't work out that way. Nowadays I'm quite happy with the thought of hitting girls for fun. But depending on the ideas that may have been imprinted on a person while growing up, it can be a very hard thing for someone to accept.

(in reply to MissKittyDeVine)
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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 9:08:40 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissKittyDeVine
When people react that strongly, I always wonder what they´re so afraid of about themselves.

Well, as someone who remembers quite clearly his totally vanilla days I can say that for me at least it wasn't anything nefarious. I'd just grown up being told a "right" way to do relationships. I'd never really investigated that. It wasn't until I dipped my toes into BDSM that I realized that there are lots and lots and lots of "right" ways. I could easily see an earlier version of myself being highly concerned about some I cared about getting involved in BDSM. The only part I can't see for myself is the respect part I noted above. I'd have been shocked and concerned, but I would have dug in to understand before I went freakazoid.

Many people who would not identify as kinky do stuff that kinky people do ...
I totally agree. I honestly think "kinky" is meaningful in the sense that someone has chosen that label and so it speaks about an interest level. But in terms of actual activities, I'll never forget SimplyMicheal explaining "kinky" to me when I was brand new to all this. He said something like:

You know Jeff, every time I run into some vanilla woman she goes on and on about how vanilla she is and the next thing i know she's pulling a 16" dildo out from under her bed.

I myself identify as "vanilla", but I readily admit there's lots of things Carol & I get up to that an awful lot of other people wouldn't see as very vanilla. I think the ultimate truth of humans is that we are creative and we like sex. That sort of implies that "vanilla" is going to be a suspect description in pretty much all cases.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to MissKittyDeVine)
Profile   Post #: 20
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