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Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/24/2012 2:01:19 PM

MDomCouple

Posts: 90
Joined: 2/15/2012
Status: offline

Hello all...

In a thread I started in the poly forum, I mentioned that my partner and I (both gay males, FYI) are looking for a potential poly relationship with a third guy, who we will want to be a sub/slave in our relationship. So far, there have been a few guys we have talked to online for a while, but none that we have yet met in person. We are taking things slowly, and know that the right sub for us will be one who wants to take it slowly as well. Moving in with someone, especially moving in with two people, is a serious commitment, and we want time for us all to make sure it is right for us.

Now, that said, I did receive a bizarre email, well email exchange, last night. A submissive guy who lives about 5 hours away from us sent an email, explaining that he was intrigued by our profile and would like to talk. I checked out his profile, and we seemed to be looking for the same things. "So, let's talk" I thought.

After about 4 or 5 emails back and forth (the traditional "getting to know you" sort), he offered up "I'm unemployed right now, and can relocate to you right away. I don't want to drag this out, because I am serious about being a full-time slave, and want to serve immediately."

I told him that I wasn't willing to get involved that quickly with a potential live-in sub, and we parted ways.

So, long story short, have any of the submissives or slaves on here relocated to a Master or Mistress you have met online? If so, how long did it take before you were ready to make that move? Were there any problems that cropped up because of your decision? (i.e. "I didn't know Master was in to THAT" or "Wow, my Mistress is just horrible to live with" or even "Yeah, I hate living in this town?")

< Message edited by MDomCouple -- 2/24/2012 2:04:30 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/24/2012 2:32:10 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Let me answer from the flip side of the coin. I have had two subs relocate to me. One had little choice - she had burned bridges where she was living (Alabama) and was not able to make ends meet. The other knew me well enough to know that if things fell through, she'd have a friend, and she liked Colorado more than NJ, where she was then living.

The Alabama sub had been talking with me for a few months prior. The NJ sub had actually come out for a long weekend prior, and we'd been talking for about eight months total.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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(in reply to MDomCouple)

Post #: 2

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/24/2012 3:09:04 PM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

subtract the D/s and bdsm stuff, have I relocated to someone I met online? Yes, but it was rather not planned as such.

I have visited people I met online in the past, just visits, but one time the romantic connection was very strong when we met, and everything just clicked. I went to stay for a week with one suitcase... and never used my return ticket. This was for various reasons not just based on relationship feelings.
1) Jobs were much easier to get in the new location.
2) His family and friends had also met me and were very supportive of my move.
3) It was a healthy transition that had made me happier and more socially active even in a one week period.

The cons? I left my family behind and only visited once a year.
In the end the relationship didn't work, but I never regretted the move because it was for MORE than just the guy. I moved for me, and was happy with the arrangement regardless of whether or not the relationship worked out.
I think that is an essential point to relocating, make sure the one moving, is moving TO something promising, not away from something bad, and make sure they will have an active life outside the person who they are moving for.

All too often I see people online desperate to 'relocate' either because they can't support themselves financially, and want to be 'taken care of' or because they are so socially lonely they hope clinging to one person will solve their lonliness issues. Neither of these are good, though can be worked through if the person beneath the problem proves to be worth the effort.

Good luck to you, watch out for those looking to travel on your dime.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 3

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/24/2012 3:13:12 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

My very first Dominant and I met online. We then were together twice a month for 6 months, when I made the decision to move to CA. While he was part of the equation, he wasn't the entirety of the equation. 1) I fell in love with SoCal. 2) My payscale went up about $10k in an enviroment that was the same cost of living. 3) I had a job before I moved. 4) I did not move in with him.

When the relationship ended, I was still living in a place I loved, had a job I liked and had made friends.

_____________________________

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(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 4

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/24/2012 3:50:29 PM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

Three times - and all a good deal further away than five hours.

Once to Montana, USA; once to East Frisia, Germany; and once to Cairo, Egypt. To give a reference point, between those times, I've generally resided in the Vancouver-Victoria area in BC, Canada.

In retrospect, I enjoyed the travel experience more than some of the men themselves. I've become less hasty as time has progressed. When I was twenty I just took two and a half months of knowing the master in Montana before I packed my bags, but I knew the other two for about eight months each, respectively, before moving.

In your case, however, I suspect the frightening prospect of homelessness was driving your slave in question, rather than relationship status.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 5

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/24/2012 4:04:04 PM

xXLithiumXx

Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline

I think the thing you are missing in this is that after a few emails he was ready to pack his bag and move.

Well, if he is unemployed and you two seem stable then why wouldn't he want to?

You can offer him a home and he can keep it clean and be a slave and not have to -really- do anything. At least that is the sense i get from it. I mean, anyone with a brain would be slow to relocate 5 hours away, or even 5 miles, with no idea of exactly what they are dealing with. I mean, no offense, you could be a serial killer. Why would I move 5 hours away from what I know now, after less than a dozen emails, unless it benefits me in totality?

Just sayin.

Devils advocate says...You know what you know when you know it, and some people know it sooner than others. So, it's possible he knows that you guys are a fit right now, while you don't.

That's just my opinion.

My answer is-I have never relocated to anyone, but my ex relocated to me-From Maryland to Kentucky...we had known each other 5 years, but had never met. When he moved here, he lived with his brother for about 9 months and then we hooked up.

Our marriage lasted 5 years. We were actually together for 7.

_____________________________

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Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 6

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/24/2012 4:14:10 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Master and I met online and in person and multiple trips back and forth for 5 years. I moved to him 6 months ago. How's that for taking it slow? LOL

I wouldn't move to someone I had never met in person and even then it would take both of us getting to know each other in person over an amount of time...probably at least a year for me personally but that would be up to each party and how comfortable they felt with it.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to xXLithiumXx)

Post #: 7

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/24/2012 6:19:32 PM

SoftBonds

Posts: 862
Joined: 2/10/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds
All too often I see people online desperate to 'relocate' either because they can't support themselves financially, and want to be 'taken care of' or because they are so socially lonely they hope clinging to one person will solve their lonliness issues. Neither of these are good, though can be worked through if the person beneath the problem proves to be worth the effort.

My dad calls it "doing a geographical," moving away from all of your problems. Of course, most folks who do it discover that their problems quickly follow, while they are now far from family and friends...
Then again, some of us are wanderers and move every few years just to see new things.

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 8

RE: Relocating for a Master/Mistress - 2/24/2012 10:50:04 PM

avena

Posts: 80
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline

Yep. Moved in with D three months ago exactly, actually. Sold the house, divested about 90% of my belongings, and ultimately moved myself and my daughter a total distance of around 13 hours to be with him. And so far so good!

As for how long did I spend getting to know him first... Well, I originally met D online about 10 years before we even started seriously seeing each other. We'd met off and on during that time span, whenever we were both single, however neither of us had discussed our sexual interests with the other. Two years ago that particular conversation came up, and the dominoes started lining up for me. A little more than 10 months after donning his collar, I moved in with him, via a short detour home for various reasons. Long story short, I moved up with a permanent job offer in hand (which happened to be officially offered while we were enroute to Vegas for a short vacation before the move), and we're all doing absolutely wonderful.

I will say that it has taken a lot of open minded willingness to adjust on all of our parts. Our biggest 'problem' that we've encountered has been dealing with a a teenager in the house who's a little too perceptive sometimes! On the other hand, it there has been an immense amount of positives that have come out of the move. There's no longer the long distance communication barrier to deal with. And I no longer deal with the intense downs that used to accompany me going home after a visit. A weekend of intense play, followed by a very long drive or a long flight is not conducive to happy subs!

(in reply to MDomCouple)

Post #: 9

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/25/2012 6:42:43 AM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoftBonds
Then again, some of us are wanderers and move every few years just to see new things.

This was actually true of me even before I started dating. So, I guess for a person who feels normal packing up and heading across the world anyway, I have far less inertia and ties holding me back.

It has made me very internet-dependent, though, on reflection. With all my friends spread. well, everywhere, there tend to be less than half a dozen people in any given spot. Some of my best friends I've never even met.

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 10

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/25/2012 8:15:14 AM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
Status: offline

I've never relocated for anyone but, then again, I've never dated online. I've always dated men from my local community. The one long distance relationship I had ended a few years ago. He went away to college and was maybe 4-5 hours away. I ended it about six months after the move, not because the long distance was difficult, but because it made our incompatibility so readily apparent.

If I ever did consider relocating, I agree with everyone else, in that it would have to be for more than just the partner. I'd need to have job opportunities I loved, a location I enjoyed, etc. I am not about to put my self into a situation were I am completely, 100% dependent on my dom. Not gonna happen.

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 11

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/25/2012 8:54:17 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoftBonds

Then again, some of us are wanderers and move every few years just to see new things.

I use to be a traveller, would take trips on a whim just because I could... of course once you become a stuffy old resonsible adult with obligations, that changes. :(

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 12

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/25/2012 8:58:24 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

We didn't meet online but our getting to know time was mostly online. We met at a BDSM event. He was only there for the weekend. We emailed and IMed and talked on the phone for the next 3 months. Then he came to visit me for 3 weeks in his motor home. He met my family. I met some of his family. I went on his visits to his transplant doctor so I would better understand his special needs during that 3 week visit. Three months later after more IMing, more emailing, and more chatting on the phone I quit my job and moved 1700 miles to be with him. So we knew each other 6 months before the move and had spent 3 weeks, 2 days together. If things had not worked out I had a contingency plan. I could have easily moved back to where I was from and continued with my life. I probably would not have made the move if I would have had to burn all my bridges behind me.

_____________________________

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Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to MDomCouple)

Post #: 13

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/25/2012 9:02:31 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

While I know of many stories and have a few of my own, that worked or didn't work in different situations and time frames, I tend to reason things out and use my gut more than anything else. No situation is the same, no relationship is the same and the time frames are all different. I do know what is best isn't always best and believe in variances. For example, I knew a man in person for two years before a situation came up, we agreed to be roommates and evolved... well, because I loved him from afar, but didn't think it was a good idea with his freshly being out of a relationship. Even in those two years, I didn't see anything that indicated a problem... how could I know that a new situation would crop up and he would change because of it? I couldn't unless I could predict the future. You never know what might happen.

I tend to believe you really don't know someone until you live with them. There are always things that could happen or things that you cannot see. So you go with what you do know or think you know of the person and the situation and do the best you can. Is it unwise to jump in? Well, it poses different challenges that is for sure, but sometimes it works out better than someone you knew a long time. Each situation and person has some sort of risk. You minimize the risks as well as you can and then jump, whether you knew them a long time or not, there is some aspect of jumping in or risk. What I do to assure myself, is minimizing the risks on my side and protect myself with a b or c plan. Has it always worked out well? Oh hell no... but I took my risks as an adult and am not sorry I did. I may be sorry in the moment and have to go to my b or c plan, but I did what I did and paid the price or got the joy. Some entailed a lot more challenges than others, but some challenges I can take. Do I look the fool when it doesn't go well... maybe... but as an adult, I decided something and if I was lied to or they were a problem... I took care of it. My security was in myself, not the other person.

I've been in tough spots at different times of my life, I know others have too and in this economy, a lot more people are in a tough spot. Can I blame them if they are in a tough spot and use that tough spot to disqualify them? Sometimes... but not always. That is when I do a little digging. I find out if this is a habit... if this is something that has been going on a long time, what their history is and anything I can to find out if they are someone that might invite tough spots in their life. I can't always know that. I am not passed helping someone in a tough spot because I have been assisted and I am a worthy person. Because I don't know someone doesn't mean he is any more dangerous or filled with trouble than someone I do know. There are always things I cannot see with anyone. Any mistake if thats what you want to call it or even foolish things I have done, I have learned from and have been able to use in determining what I do to protect myself in the future. I make sure my end is taken care of and determine the rest as I go.

The man that curved my spine I knew for many years and there had never been a sign to indicate what would happen. That was far worse than the times I jumped into a situation because I saw good need or reason to and might have lost a little money or had some emotional strings to untangle.

A few years ago I noticed a lot of people contacting me simply because they were in trouble. It wasn't me they wanted but some security. Some I might have or would have assisted and some I wouldn't. Some were worthy of my assistance or a relationship and some were not. I dug into things, asked a lot of questions, sometimes did some research and determined who was someone I was willing to take a chance with. One didn't work out so well... another wasn't a big deal and another would have been a serious problem had I not checked out his criminal history. Two others turned into great and long lasting friendships.

I don't jump into the relationship part even if I take someone in or jump in. I apply myself to the need or situation before I consider they are ready to decide whether I am someone of a romantic interest and I give myself that same consideration. I worked in homelessness and often have taken people/strangers in. I see it no differently. I may be open for what could happen and that door remains open until it closes, but if the need outweighs any relationship considerations, I apply my attention to that first and don't go to certain places before I am ready whether they are here or not.

Could someone hurt me in various ways? Sure. I could go to the store and come home and my house is cleaned out. I don't live in fear, I am not a fool and I do take some chances... but so far, I am not sorry for any decision I made whether I had to pay for it or not. I value the people, memories and all else of those that did get help, that helped me, that did work on whatever level they worked out on. A persons worth is not always apparent by their situation in life. I do take that chance because I am secure in how I could handle it if things didn't go well, at this point in life. The way I see it, that is about all you can do.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to HisPet21)

Post #: 14

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/25/2012 12:28:33 PM

MDomCouple

Posts: 90
Joined: 2/15/2012
Status: offline

Thank you everyone for your responses and insights. It is interesting hearing about the good, and not so good, experiences you have had. Though, I must say, my sympathy is with anyone who moved for a partner (D/s or not) and it ended badly.

A few of you brought up people who want to relocate to a potential Dom for the financial stability they think they will get, or to run away from problems. That is what I think the guy I mentioned in my original post was after. It sounded like he was hoping to find a Dom to live with, not out of a sense of desire or commitment to that Dom, but out of a sense that he could then be taken care of.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 15

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/26/2012 10:25:50 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

So, long story short, have any of the submissives or slaves on here relocated to a Master or Mistress you have met online? If so, how long did it take before you were ready to make that move? Were there any problems that cropped up because of your decision? (i.e. "I didn't know Master was in to THAT" or "Wow, my Mistress is just horrible to live with" or even "Yeah, I hate living in this town?")

A mutual friend gave him my phone number and after 6 months of talking I relocated to him. There had been red flags that I ignored, such as the extent of his drinking, which became obvious once we lived together. It fizzled romantically very quickly, but we are still friends, and while there I was able to snag a fabulous job from which I learned a lot.

While I don't regret the whole thing per se, I encourage people to proceed slowly before committing - I should have made several visits before relocating.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here:

quote:

It sounded like he was hoping to find a Dom to live with, not out of a sense of desire or commitment to that Dom, but out of a sense that he could then be taken care of.

(in reply to MDomCouple)

Post #: 16

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/26/2012 8:00:11 PM

liminalRapture

Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline

My Dom lives in far far away, in a moderately sized town and I live in NYC. If this is going to work, long run, he will come to me (which he said to me before I ever considered flirting seriously instead of the playful, on-line 'but this is never going to happen' that I had previously engaged in. I get great vacations, but I can't foreseeably get another job (long story). He is coming out for 5 weeks, then I'm going there for the summer, then he'll probably come out for 3 months this fall, then I'll go out for 3 weeks in the winter. I assume, if he does decide to relocate, it might happen on 2013. I hope it does. But 2014 might be a good year too. After we've both spent a hell of a lot more time together. Up till now, the time we've had together has been in neutral, holiday settings. He's never been with me when I have to go to work every day. I have no idea what would happen if one of us got sick or the electricity went out, or whatever. We need to see how the other handles those things.

I think relocating for a Sub and relocating for a Dom are the same thing, fundamentally as anyone relocating for a relationship. Someone has to be more mobile. The stationary partner has to be able to carry more of the weight during the move. Everything from financial support to groceries to friends to helping create that sense of belonging and that there is a place for the other person in your home and your life that has to become our home and our life. Both people have to be happy with so many different little things about where you live. Will the relocator make friends? Find a community? Find exercise they love and the way to connect to nature they like. Like the pace of life? What if they are used to having their own chickens and have to buy them at the store now? Is that negotiable or central to their lives? I'm sure eggs are negotiable, but there are so many things that have to be worked out. I'm scared, actually. I can't imagine giving up the idyllic life for the hustle and grime of NYC. But I can't imagine not trying to make this work.

_____________________________

"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 17

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 2/29/2012 5:17:18 PM

lostnlooking9

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2011
Status: offline

relocating can be a difficult consideration.

I have recently talked to a Domme who sparked my interest. However she was and is so far away that it is not workable.
I have told her this and it sucks.

I have a decent job and great benefits. I have no college degree. Moving guarantees me being with her, no benefits and no guaranteed job.

It is because of her that I went from willing to relocate to not. I understand the moving for love and such thought. but to move would also burden and be a burden for her. I would find and get a job, but I cannot guarantee it would be anything but minimum wage. Lack of retirement or 401k, lack of medical or dental would all be factors that creep up aside from the limited income vs any expenses.
As such I'd be and become more of a burden for her in all honesty.
Plus the other factors like her being poly and me not sure I can handle it or not, and even the question of if and could we work out or not.
then the selfishness of my part of wanting to look after and protect my interests and future.
All in all I told her I couldn't move.

That said.. I would be willing to move.
My conditions are as follows:

1) several meetings(sexual or non, but ideally mostly non)
2) at least 2 full weeks(2 trips of 1 week each) where I live as "hers". Basically if I move, how would things be? and at the end talk and see if it worked for both of us.
3) and then as long as she is accepting of my job situation, and ok with me not having a great job(who knows maybe I'll find one, but I have no desire to assume that I would, esp in this job market) and willing and ok with supporting me as needed. Then we can consider moving.
4) be ok with starting and having a 'safety net' for myself. a portion of MY earnings deposited in a savings account in my name.

I have found that many Dommes want and expect their subs to be the main breadwinner so to speak, which I cannot guarantee. Until I'm married or with someone for several years I will look after myself. I have ignored myself and dived in a couple times with relationships(local) and ended up broke and on my face and used for more than I even had. So experience has made me weary and I have learned that even the most ideal relationships may end, and being left peniless, homeless, in a location that I have no friends or family is not an ideal situation I'd risk for myself.

anyways.. in your situation, that sub sent huge red flags. Why would anyone sane relocate without and before meeting? What was he really seeking or escaping from? Would he expect you to support him? And why is he unemployed?
Moving so soon and suddenly is both silly and stupid and a sign of a fly by submissive.
but that is me...

(in reply to liminalRapture)

Post #: 18

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 3/1/2012 7:18:19 AM

MrsT301

Posts: 48
Joined: 2/28/2012
Status: offline

I relocated to be with my ex, and I would never relocate for someone ever again. Not that it's going to come up since I'm married.

The relocation was a disaster. I couldn't find a job. Didn't know anyone. Couldn't start school there since he was going to only be there for six months and was then transferring elsewhere. He introduced me to his friends a few times but sometimes he would just ditch me and go out with his friends and then give me money to go out by myself. Looking back I should have left the relationship back then but stupidly it went on for another four years.

Edited to add that this was not a D/s relationship but figured I would answer the question anyway. There is a LOT that can go wrong when you move to be with someone.

< Message edited by MrsT301 -- 3/1/2012 7:19:41 AM >

(in reply to lostnlooking9)

Post #: 19

RE: Relocting for a Master/Mistress - 3/4/2012 11:21:54 PM

mynxkat

Posts: 240
Joined: 5/7/2011
Status: offline

I relocated to be with Master, and I consider it to be one of the more intelligent things I've ever done. There aren't much in the way of jobs in the small town we live in, but I have more of a social life and friends that I'd had for many years before coming out here. I've also developed skills I didn't really even know I had. An example- I was a decent cook before moving out here (read: I could read and follow the directions on the back of a box). Since coming out here, I've learned how to really cook, and can claim to be very nearly a gourmet cook at this point. 90% or more of my cooking is done completely from scratch. There's no question that I'm happier here than I'd been pretty much anywhere else.

That said, I knew Master for 6 or 7 years before moving out to be with him. I'd NEVER have considered offering or accepting any such offer in the first few emails exchanged.

(in reply to MrsT301)

Post #: 20

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