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LaTigresse -> RE: Is it one-sided? (2/28/2012 11:08:30 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lizi
quote:
ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Lizi, don't you think that you and Jeff have really touched on the one thing that sooooooo many of these discussions miss?
People get so focused on the abstract, how it must be, the big bad 'what-ifs' that we create in our heads, that they miss the most blindingly obvious part......whatever a relationship is, is totally and only defined by the individuals actually IN the relationship. And really, that's all that matters.
I think it often gets overlooked. As humans we tend to generalize and we're comfortable when we can put things into a pattern that we are familiar with. I was told once by a counselor that people will always reach for the familiar as a first instinct, even when it is to their detriment; I think this is true. It's just a fact of being human - so it's hard to work past that into new territory. Don't you think that's why the discussion boards appeal to many of us? Because we know there's more out there than what is in our own lives and heads, and even if we think about it, we still need to become familiar with it by hearing from others and being able to get the wheels turning.
People generally enter new situations by finding out what the rules are so to speak, what is the general layout of the new thing. If they don't find the rules they ask, after all they need to start somewhere. Which is why I don't get too stressed if newer people ask a lot of the same questions or think that there are rules that they must follow. For them to see that it's up to them is pretty advanced thinking actually, the type of thing that needs a foundation to get there. After all, higher thinking processes are just that and they build on what you know first. I guess I feel that you have to start off somewhere and you eventually get to the part where you see all the rules and guidelines are irrelevant. I don't think you can get to that point without starting off with trying to find the rules first...does that make sense?
It makes perfect sense and thank you.
I am often, very impatient. I am not a good teacher/trainer because of this. Things that seem very simple and easy to me, are difficult for me to explain to someone that isn't grasping it quickly.
Add to that, the fact that under the umbrella of WIIWD, the relationships are nearly as varied as those in them....and you have a perfect recipe for confusion. Especially I think, when you have a personality that likes things neat, tidy, organized, easily identified.
Which leads me to consider the varied answers on the thread a slave wrote about her owner wanting her to lose weight, get a tattoo, and refuse a promotion. Each person's reaction was correct as it applies to their own relationship and relationship needs. It doesn't make the opposing points of view wrong, just not necessarily good for everyone, or all relationships.
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