Relocating and fears. (Full Version)

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rabbitdearr -> Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 6:04:22 PM)

Hey, guys and ghouls. So, in sixteen days, i will be moving in with my Master in New Mexico. Although my profile might say that i am there now - i wanted to change it to that location sooner to jolt the happiness of it even more - i am currently in Pennsylvania. That means i will be moving across the country. my Master and i have been together for nearly a year now, as we have just celebrated our eleventh month together yesterday. We're very happy, and i have found myself completely in love with Him. Honestly, He's not most guys. He means the world to me. And i am 110% ready to finally be under His collar and in His arms.

But lately, as the date and time comes closer and closer, i've found myself getting kind of.. scared. i mean, i'm not having second thoughts. i want this. He wants this. It's just.. i'm scared of what could happen once i'm there. i'm the type that will plot every possibly outcome before making a decision, and i will admit, sometimes that gets the best of me. But is it really a bad thing to be weary of what may come from making such a big jump? i'm hardly twenty yet, and this is my first time moving away from home, so is it normal to feel this way?

i guess what i want to ask is, to the submissives who have made the move to further serve their Dominant in the way that i am, did you go through the same things? That fear of 'What if things change?'. Or 'what if i start to miss home'? Or those thoughts of missing things that you love once you're gone? How did you deal with it? i am completely open to advice, just know that i do not plan on dropping my flight. i want this more than anything. i just.. need to settle my nerves is all. my Master's helped me as much as possible over our phone calls and emails, but right now, i think it would be best coming from someone that has been through this.



Baroana -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 6:07:32 PM)

Before you get my full response, please answer a couple of questions.

1. How old is this guy you're moving in with?

2. How much time have the two of you spent together (in real life)?

3. Have your parents met him?

4. Have your friends met him?

5. Are you in school?

6. Do you have a career?

7. Do you have money of your own?



rabbitdearr -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 6:24:04 PM)

i don't know how to remove this message. i reposted it as a quote to your questions.



rabbitdearr -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 6:26:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

Before you get my full response, please answer a couple of questions.

1. How old is this guy you're moving in with?

2. How much time have the two of you spent together (in real life)?

3. Have your parents met him?

4. Have your friends met him?

5. Are you in school?

6. Do you have a career?

7. Do you have money of your own?

One, He is thirty - three, and trust me, i usually stay far far away from men of that age. But i knew Him as nothing more than a friend for over a year- no thoughts between any of us of a relationship, bdsm, sexual or other wise in that time - and i trust Him more than i trust my best friend. He's never given me a reason not to.

Two, we've had one visitation a few months ago that lasted a week and another that lasted a few days when we were still friends.

Three, my mother isn't in my life and i am living with my father due to the situation with my mother, if that makes any sense. i'm not comfortable with going into details, but basically, my parents and i are not close. my father knows of Master's and my relationship, even the bdsm and Master's age, but no, they never met.

Four, my close friends have met Him, yes.

Five, no, i am not in school, but He and i are looking into colleges down there.

Six, due to a surgery a few months ago, i have been unable to work, but a friend of His is looking for workers and asked if i'd be interested in taking a look when i am down there.

Seven, due to the lack of working capability, i do not have a steady income. But i wasn't so stupid to not save up well over a thousand dollars for when i am down there.



Baroana -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 6:36:02 PM)

I'll tell you the same thing that a college counselor told me when I was your age, and I was thinking about moving across the country to be with a (vanilla) boyfriend. Proceed with extreme caution.

You're in love, and that's great, but life can get very messed up in these situations.

My second piece of advice, again, has little or nothing to do with BDSM. Make sure you have an exit strategy in case you need one. Have money available and a friend you can call just in case. I'm sure you're smart enough to already know that.

Lastly, if this relationship works out for you, then awesome. If it doesn't, then there's no shame in it. Just treat it as a life lesson, and start over. Don't feel like you have to prove anything to anybody (least of all your father) by staying in a situation you no longer want to be in.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Use lots of protection, at least until you have known this man for years. This is coming to you from someone who has practiced family law. Reproduce in haste, repent at leisure.



ProlificNeeds -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 6:36:32 PM)

All 'warnings' aside, I'll assume you've taken all the common sense precautions to ensure you don't vanish down a well and your body turns up 10 years later in an unmarked grave.

Jitters is common for any big event, especially moving, just take it a bit at a time, if you feel nervous about the big looming future, sit down and write out a game plan, your goals for one month, three months, six months, and a year. Set reasonable goals as to when you want to have found a job, when you want to enroll in school ect.

Having a game plan is paramount to pushing off the nervousness of settling into a new area. Also, from day one, get out and make new connections and friends in the area. Join a group or bowling team or a bridge club, hell anything at all, volunteer groups love having new help, and you settle in much faster when you feel like part of the community.

It's also the smart thing to do incase your relationship with him DOES change and fails to take off, then you will have friends and resources built up there so you don't find yourself on your own without support near at hand.

I wish you the best of luck!



Endivius -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 6:39:36 PM)

You have sub frenzy, spend some more time together in person before commiting to a move, you simply do not have enough time together in person.



rabbitdearr -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 6:45:31 PM)

Oh, trust me, i have taken caution. Although i love my Master, and although i am still so young, i have made enough mistakes, trusted the wrong people and have been hurt much too much in my life to just go about this care free.

i have already given the address and phone numbers to my best friend and a few others, not only so they could visit if any odd chance they pass by, but in case something were to happen to me and to check up once in a while. Master also plans on getting me a personal cell phone, which i will give the number to these people, as well.

i am not worried about our relationship not working out. i plan to be with Him for ever. But if some little deadly demon makes it happen, of course i'll be crushed, but i will move on. i have in the past and i will keep doing so. Life doesn't end when love does.

Oh god, i live in the city. Half the girls in my highschool were pregnant and / or had a child already. i've been using protection since the day i became active. i've already asked Master to get a STD scan, which He provided cleared as did i. i'm terrified of stuff like that, so no worries. xD

i was more looking for advice on how to calm with the fear than add more precautions, but thank you kindly for your input, regardless.



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 6:51:20 PM)

I personally would not pick up and move for someone I'd only met twice, as friends only. I'd been with Daddy for 3 years and we saw each other every week for 3 years before I considered moving to be with him. The only reason I didn't when I was ready to make the leap, hell when we both were ready, was his land lord said no and we couldn't afford another place, so he worked to move to me and we're staying with my parents and helping out.

ironically enough there was no fear about moving in with him. but then I knew him incredibly well and I wanted a life with him and he was only 2 hours away and I wasn't hardly 20 something, I was older and had a lot of relationship experince, some not going so well and some going swimmingly. He is my first live in relationship.



rabbitdearr -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 6:55:10 PM)

Sadly, seeing eachother as frequently as we'd like simply is not an option. Again, i am in Pennsylvania and He is in New Mexico. If the time and money would allow, trust me, we'd both love to.



Baroana -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 7:01:15 PM)

It's just that to me, and to those thinking like me, your jitters issue is so very overshadowed by the issue of whether you might be heading into a train wreck. Forgive us. It's just that we've been your age, and many of us have lived through train wrecks of our own that started out as situations very similar to yours.

I think ProlificNeeds gave very good suggestions with regard to getting started in a new place.

Are you just nervous, or are you actually afraid? If it's true fear that you're feeling, then instead of trying to stuff that feeling you may want to pay attention to what your gut is telling you. I'm doing my best to avoid being cynical or judgmental here, because I'm in no position to tell you what to do. Moreover, you've got your mind made up. So don't listen to me, but do listen carefully to yourself.



Buzzzz -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 7:59:08 PM)

A big move is always scary. The unknown and all. All your habits are gone. No streets you know, no corner store you go by everyday: you get the picture.
I agree with the others. Having seen a person twice in your life is surely not enough time to move in with someone, down the street or across the country. Just my opinion.



SoftBonds -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 8:25:32 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

All 'warnings' aside, I'll assume you've taken all the common sense precautions to ensure you don't vanish down a well and your body turns up 10 years later in an unmarked grave.

Jitters is common for any big event, especially moving, just take it a bit at a time, if you feel nervous about the big looming future, sit down and write out a game plan, your goals for one month, three months, six months, and a year. Set reasonable goals as to when you want to have found a job, when you want to enroll in school ect.

Having a game plan is paramount to pushing off the nervousness of settling into a new area. Also, from day one, get out and make new connections and friends in the area. Join a group or bowling team or a bridge club, hell anything at all, volunteer groups love having new help, and you settle in much faster when you feel like part of the community.

It's also the smart thing to do incase your relationship with him DOES change and fails to take off, then you will have friends and resources built up there so you don't find yourself on your own without support near at hand.

I wish you the best of luck!

This ^^^^^
Also, sometimes it is best to write your worries down and look at them. It is easy for a crazy fear to seem reasonable when it is running through your head. Once it is on paper, you can ask yourself "How likely, how bad." How likely is the thing you fear to happen, and how bad would it actually be.
You have money, you have friends back home, you can get back to your friends in the worst case event.
If you have a "best friend," who you can call, do so both on the way there, and when you get there. It won't be much, but it will be a familiar and an anchor. Also, see if any of your friends or family know anyone in the area you are going to. It isn't much, but anyone who you can mention a name to and get a "yeah, I know them," will give you instant connections.



kitkat105 -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/1/2012 10:29:17 PM)

Sounds like butterflies to me (nervous excitement). Just be careful. It's hard being young and clever people can take advantage of those who are vulnerable or inexperienced.

Best of luck.



SadisticMs2 -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 5:12:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rabbitdearr

Sadly, seeing eachother as frequently as we'd like simply is not an option. Again, i am in Pennsylvania and He is in New Mexico. If the time and money would allow, trust me, we'd both love to.



Real life is a whole different ball of wax than online and on the phone.

If he can afford to support you - which he will be doing since you are not working - then there's no reason he couldn't afford to spend more time with you face to face before you make the move. If he tells you otherwise - red flag. If moving to him was an option, so was going and spending a month or two then going home to assess.

At 19, it doesn't surprise me that you think this is a good thing. At 33, he should bloody well know better. Another major red flag.

This has "train wreck" written all over it.





MrsT301 -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 5:21:28 AM)

Worst case scenario you end up going back home after languishing around for months with no job and no friends. In this economy there is no guarantee you will find a job. You may end up resenting him because after all you're pretty much dropping everything in your life to be with him.

With only $1000 saved up make sure you don't spend that money just in case you do need a ticket home.



OsideGirl -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 7:36:52 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: rabbitdearr


i am not worried about our relationship not working out. i plan to be with Him for ever.


Okay, but what's the exit plan if it doesn't work out?



LaTigresse -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 8:08:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsT301

Worst case scenario you end up going back home after languishing around for months with no job and no friends. In this economy there is no guarantee you will find a job. You may end up resenting him because after all you're pretty much dropping everything in your life to be with him.

With only $1000 saved up make sure you don't spend that money just in case you do need a ticket home.


This.

Dear OP, I do wish you the best of luck. None of us know the facts of your situation. We are just playing the odds. There are more stories of train wrecks than 'happily ever after'. Even hateful sadistic old me hopes you experience the latter.

As for quieting your fears. Make doubly sure that you do have many safety measures in place, just in case. I would even suggest you get yourself an inexpensive, pay as you go, cell phone that you keep with you, hidden........just for your own peace of mind.

Some predators do not show their true colours until they've gotten their prey securely in their trap. Keep a key to that trap.....no matter how awesome he is right now. He really could be, a really good evil bad guy. We don't know him but what you've written of your life story makes you a PERFECT target for a really smart bad guy. No way for you to know until.....well, you know. Cover your ass beyond what you believe even makes sense.

Doing that will help your fears in many ways.

I wish you the best.



JeffBC -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 11:03:18 AM)

My thoughts?

OK, so you're young, in-love, and planning on moving across the country to live with some guy you've met twice. Honestly, I don't find that all that disturbing. Assuming some reasonable precautions are taken then I don't see the harm. Yeah yeah, it's faster and riskier than I would do. But honestly, I'm 48 and your 19 -- you're SUPPOSED to be more impulsive than me ~laughs~

So here's how I'd look at it. Any plan which is unlikely to cause serious harm and can be undone isn't that much of a decision.

Not Causing Serious Harm
This would be basics like making sure other people know where you are and staying in contact with friends and family until you've assured yourself that this guy isn't some raving lunatic AND you've got a social circle in your new town. I mean sure, it's always possible that even with all safety precautions this guy is yet another of the sociopathic roving predator doms I read about so much. But more likely he's just a guy and this relationship will work out or not as most relationships do.

Can be undone
Let's face it. Relationships oft-times don't work out the way we'd hoped. It's sadly unfortunate that when this happens all too frequently people.... uh.... aren't on their best behavior. So it's important to have an exit strategy. In this case, I should think an exit strategy looks something like this.

You have enough cash money in an account YOU solely control to be able to afford 5 nights in a hotel room, pay the deposit on an apartment, and pay 3 months rent in that apartment as well as eat during those three months. That gives you an instant exit strategy -- a hotel can be had with no notice, 5 days to find an apartment, and 3 months to sort out a longer term strategy. In rough numbers it equates to about $5,000. You probably don't have that. If I were either your father or the guy in question I would provide it -- especially if I was your dom. If you were living with me I'd want it to be clear that it was at your choice, not because of some subsistence need.

Other than that, hell yeah cold feet... even for us older fogies :) Having made appropriate precautions (above) then my rule of love kicks in...

Love is no place for the timid and it doesn't reward safe strategies. It's an all-in sort of thing so either go large or go home.

I hope any of that helps.

edited to add:
OK, I know you're not worried about an exit plan. Honestly... a fair amount of leaping sans looking is, again, appropriate for your age bracket. But honestly HE ought to be worrying about it. Just stop to think a minute. EVERYONE hopes their relationship goes the distance. The VAST majority of them do not. Those are the harsh facts. You're making an adult decision here... you need to make it like an adult -- or at a bare minimum he ought to be enforcing that.



UniqueIntensity -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 11:19:38 AM)

You have already recieved some good advice. That being said, I would be more concerned if you weren't experiencing some level of anxiety. You are about to make a serious change, for a serious purpose. If that didn't cause any fear to arise, and didn't trigger an instinct to examine every detail closely, I would tell you that you weren't taking it seriously enough.

With respect to exit strategies, which several have already mentioned, take the time to put one together regardelss of how certain you are about your feelings. While it is essential to stay positive in the face of fear, the simplest way to do so is to know you are prepared for anything.



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