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He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/10/2012 7:46:48 PM

addisonclarkgirl

Posts: 346
Joined: 7/16/2006
Status: offline

I have a Daddy/Master that I met on CM a few years ago. He lives a thousand miles away, and we've only been together once, and right now, he is going through a really rough time in His life. He is working, going back to school, and He has some pretty serious health issues. He doesn't feel as if He has time for our relationship at the moment, so He is wanting me to find someone else.

#1: Is he lying to me? Does He just want to get rid of me and this is the nice way to do it? I've had some people tell me this. Since it is long distance, how can I truly know that what He is telling me is the truth? He has never given me any reason to doubt Him, and I didn't, until people began bringing it up.

#2: He still wants to remain my Master. He wants to approve of who I see. He wants to guide me in the relationship with this new man. However, He doesn't want me to tell the other man, and He doesn't want the other man to be a Dominant of any sort. He also wants to be able to still use me when He has the time and the energy. Is this fair of Him to ask?

#3: Is it right of me to even contemplate finding someone else? If my Daddy is sick, and He is stressed, isn't that when He should need me the most? He says that I am the only bright spot in His life. How can I take that away from Him?

#4: Should a Master even have the right to ask this of His lil one? Shouldn't He be able to take care of her no matter what? It seems selfish of me to want Him too, and I do understand that I may not be His first priority, but I have had other Masters tell me, that it is His responsibility to take care of me, to make me feel safe and loved no matter what. Plus, He basically has said that it is up to me if I want to be with someone else. I need guidance, though. I'm a sub, I need my Master to help me through this decision-making process, and He has left it up to me.

Shrugs...I'm just really confused about the whole thing. Any comments or suggestions would be welcome.

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Post #: 1

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/10/2012 7:55:28 PM

LunaM

Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline

He's lying to you, sweetie.
At least that's what it sounds like to me. He's done being your boyfriend but wants to still be your Master? Something doesn't click there for me.

_____________________________

~BloodRed's Slave~

~Love is our response to our highest values and can be nothing else~

~And yet she had never felt more totally committed to a will, which was not her own, more totally a slave and more content to be so~

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 2

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/10/2012 8:00:25 PM

BloodRed

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/26/2008
From: Western Canada
Status: offline

So... He wants to remain your Master and yet he wants you to find a vanilla that he "approves of"?
...

Shit or get off the pot I say. Either he wants to be there for you, or he should want the best for you... Let you on your way and hope the time together gave you some experience.
Holding ties such as this is contradictory and silly. "I don't have time"... Such is a pathetic excuse. Everyone has time, even if it's 5 minutes to drop a quick e-mail.

Though, to be fair, I don't understand online relations. Such a dynamic is beyond me.

-BR

_____________________________

LunaM's Master

"If you are the whole of mankind, what is your relationship to another - without psychological future..." -J. Kristnamaturi

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 3

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/10/2012 8:01:34 PM

Dvr22999874

Posts: 2849
Joined: 9/11/2008
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I have to agree with Luna totally. This guy wants to play himself but wants to keep you on a line in case he should want to use you more at a later date. I used to do it when I was about 16 I think (and I am ashamed to say). Sweetheart, walk away and start again.

(in reply to LunaM)

Post #: 4

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/10/2012 8:06:22 PM

ConfidencePlays

Posts: 44
Joined: 10/17/2011
Status: offline

Sorry, but in times like this, I have always suggested people trust their own instincts.

Mine are telling me he's disinterested, and making things up so he can keep you on a back burner, more or less guilt free. An awful thing to lead someone on like that, and a damn shame. But you've seen him once, in two years. He's re-prioritized and you just aren't on the list.

It's a hurtful thing I've just said, so I hope you won't think too unkindly of me for being so honest.

I want to say that we have an obligation to take care of one another, especially in close relationships and emotional ties. However... as much as I do truly believe in that particular idealistic view of things, the rational side of me wants to tell you to stop turning to us for guidance and start listening to yourself.

If you are full of doubts on how to proceed, after two years of being involved with this person... that is far more telling of the situation than anything he could say. It would be my recommendation to put some thought and consideration into your own heart, rather than relying on us for your feelings.

Edited to add more personal feelings on the matter;

I do not think it is in your best interests to let him lead you on this way. I cannot live your life for you, but I hope you take my words into consideration. I wish to spare you a pain I am rather familiar with.

< Message edited by ConfidencePlays -- 3/10/2012 8:09:07 PM >

(in reply to LunaM)

Post #: 5

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/10/2012 8:12:02 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I can't tell if he's lying or not. However it is absolutely wrong for him to instruct you to lie to others. He wants you to date, to allow a man to love you, but you're not supposed to tell this other man that there is nothing more to the relationship than being a fuck buddy.

In my mind, dishonesty like this is unforgivable. Hurting innocent people deliberately is just not a moral thing to do.

You've only met him once, you don't know if he's really ill or if he's living with someone. But truthfully that doesn't matter. By demanding you act immorally, by insisting you lie and cheat to others, he has shown himself to be someone who feels fine doing that to you. If he hasn't been lying to you already, he will soon.

Either way, you deserve an honest man, someone far better than this. I hope you find one soon.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to ConfidencePlays)

Post #: 6

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/10/2012 8:16:08 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

1. That is difficult to know from what little information you have provided. He could be very sincere that he just doesn't have the time nor the strength to deal with an online D/s relationship any longer.

2. If you find someone new, the new Master should be your Master. His asking to remain your Master will only be trouble. You would have to lie to a new Master if you obey the old one who told you to find a new one. I would question his judgement here.

3. I see no problem with you remaining a good friend to him. However, if this is to all work he can no longer function as your Master.

4. People change. Not all dominants can handle a submissive as well as health changes and a career change. Masters are human, not super human. They have failings as we all do. Dealing with you just might be more than he can handle so it might be a blessing to him if you call it quits.

I think you can't count on him to give you the time he has given you previously. You have only met once in several years. Are you really willing and happy to remain in a relationship which seems to offer little in the way of a long term close relationship? Wouldn't you enjoy someone you could see weekly or monthly?

_____________________________

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Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 7

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/10/2012 9:09:09 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: addisonclarkgirl

I have a Daddy/Master that I met on CM a few years ago. He lives a thousand miles away, and we've only been together once, and right now, he is going through a really rough time in His life. He is working, going back to school, and He has some pretty serious health issues. He doesn't feel as if He has time for our relationship at the moment, so He is wanting me to find someone else.

#1: Is he lying to me? Does He just want to get rid of me and this is the nice way to do it? I've had some people tell me this. Since it is long distance, how can I truly know that what He is telling me is the truth? He has never given me any reason to doubt Him, and I didn't, until people began bringing it up.

#2: He still wants to remain my Master. He wants to approve of who I see. He wants to guide me in the relationship with this new man. However, He doesn't want me to tell the other man, and He doesn't want the other man to be a Dominant of any sort. He also wants to be able to still use me when He has the time and the energy. Is this fair of Him to ask?

#3: Is it right of me to even contemplate finding someone else? If my Daddy is sick, and He is stressed, isn't that when He should need me the most? He says that I am the only bright spot in His life. How can I take that away from Him?

#4: Should a Master even have the right to ask this of His lil one? Shouldn't He be able to take care of her no matter what? It seems selfish of me to want Him too, and I do understand that I may not be His first priority, but I have had other Masters tell me, that it is His responsibility to take care of me, to make me feel safe and loved no matter what. Plus, He basically has said that it is up to me if I want to be with someone else. I need guidance, though. I'm a sub, I need my Master to help me through this decision-making process, and He has left it up to me.

Shrugs...I'm just really confused about the whole thing. Any comments or suggestions would be welcome.

1. Not an issue.
2. I have no problem with him guiding you as you look for another. I've done that myself. However, if everything is not open, leave. If he wants you to only look for a vanilla and him remain your Master, that's weird. And if he thinks that he's going to have a solid relationship with you when he's 1000 miles away and sees you once every few years, while you have someone else that you see regularly, he's a fool.
3. You are so sweet to think of him while he's booting you from his life.
4. Um. First, he has no obligation to keep the relationship going forever. Relationships start, and they end. Second, I would question the objectivity of other men here - they may be badmouthing him to get a shot at you.

Also, your profile is very confusing. It states clearly that you are looking for a Daddy Dom, and does not mention that you have one. Let alone one you've been with for years.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 8

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/10/2012 9:31:52 PM

LoreBook

Posts: 257
Joined: 2/22/2012
Status: offline

#1. What does it matter if he's lying or not, he told you to find somebody who could give you what he couldn't, which is a nice way of saying "It's over".
#2. That's not going to work, the new man is almost 100% guaranteed to object to your "Master" interfering in the relationship.
#3. Of course it is, not only did he tell you to, but since this is an online relationship there's nothing you can do to help him with his health or stress, except to add to the latter.
#4. Of course he has that right. He's dumping you, he's trying to do it nicely and let you down easy, but he's breaking it off with you.

The preceding statement represents the views and opinions of the author and the author alone, and should in no way be considered an attempt by the author to define or determine anything for anybody but herself.

_____________________________

WITHOUT "ART" THE EARTH IS JUST "EH"

LLT

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 9

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/10/2012 10:09:39 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

These are the things I'm reading from your post regarding the nature of the relationship and the events, and through your profile:
a. This is an online relationship, but you two spend a lot of time online or on the phone.
b. You do not have much input or influence on his every-day life. You two may not talk very much about the details of his life at all.
c. He is emotionally/mentally significantly older than you.
d. He spends a lot of time coddling you emotionally.
e. He wants you to find a guy who'll take you out to dinner, movies, dances, who'll make out with you in a vanilla way.
f. He doesn't want you to fall in love with the guy.
g. You feel you can't separate dating someone and falling in love with them.
h. Other people's opinions are starting to get to you because you're not sure clearly what he wants.
i. You've talked this through with him a couple of times but you don't feel like you're getting anywhere because you still don't understand what he means/wants and you feel like he doesn't understand your feelings on the matter enough.
Please do correct me if I'm wrong on the above assumptions, as they do have some bearing on the appropriate answers.

Answering
#1 shouldn't matter whether he's lying or not. This is what he wants you to believe, so true or not, if you still consider him your Dom, you believe it.

#2 Sounds like what he's asking for is something I refer to as surrogacy. It's like cuckolding, except there doesn't have to be sex, and the point is to give you something outside of what one partner is willing or able to provide rather than deliberately diminishing himself. It's actually fairly common, even in otherwise vanilla relationships, you might be surprised. Is it fair to you? Actually, it's not about whether it's fair or not, it's whether you can do it. Is it fair to the other guy? No, but there are guys who're happy playing the surrogate date and don't want to know any more than that. You should talk to your Dom more about how this third incorporates into your dynamic, how you can "tell him without telling him" (maybe "Husband's away and wants me to have a guy to date while he's gone"?). In the very least the new guy needs to know that your Master exists and is watching over you and the relationship. No, he doesn't have to know it's a D/s relationship. It's possible your Master doesn't want the new guy to know about your submissive side because he doesn't want people taking advantage of you.

#3 It doesn't sound like he wants you to take that away from him, since he wants to stay your daddy. He just wants you to "get out of the house now and then and stop worrying about him", the way you put it. It is up to the Dom to decide how to do things, so if he feels the best thing to do is to find someone to do nice things for you that he can't, that's the best thing to do and you don't question him. Is it right for you to contemplate looking for someone else? Normally, no more right than for a vanilla person in a fulfilling vanilla relationship. But since this is what he wants you to do, you're just following orders.

#4 No. No Master owes it to their sub to be there and take care of them no matter what. No Mater owes it to their subs to make them their first priority. That is a relationship thing, not a D/s thing. We owe it to our own dignities to be the responsible ones during breakups, but that's another thing altogether because it doesn't sound to me like you're describing a break-up. Master says it's up to you, which sounds to me like he's conceding that maybe his idea of you having a surrogate to stand-in for him while he's preoccupied with other things may not be something you enjoy or are capable of. He left it up to you because he doesn't want to pressure you into anything and wants it to be something you are willing and want to do.

So, I suggest you pick some answers from here and ask him straight out which is truer. And I suggest you think about whether you can stand to date someone vanilla-ly, without them being your Master, and have your Master dictate the course of that relationship. If you can't do it, tell him so. If you are open to trying, the ideal situation is for him to be openly involved in your dating/selection process.

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 10

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/11/2012 3:18:12 AM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

I had a partner who was long distance. We were also together for years, though we did see each other much more than once. (That would be an indication right there of how that was going, but never mind.)

We tried to find many ways for long distance to work. One option, as we approached ending our relationship, was a scenario that you describe. I would date others, and he would be behind the scenes, if you will.

Ugh. No. It was discussed, and then tossed out as a viable option. If all were open about it with all parties, that's one thing. But for me (or you) to be in a relationship with a man on this end and not be open with him about your "Master" - even if you never even see that Master - is unfair to both you and whoever you have a relationship with.

You would be cheating yourself out of the opportunity to have a great and honest relationship with someone if you went that route.

And can I just say - even if all parties were up front and your new man knew about this "Master" - it's still just a bad idea. You've only met him once. I've been there. I KNOW how caught up you can get with someone long distance, and how cams and phone calls and all that can mask the fact that he's not there with you. I've been on these very boards piping about how my relationship is great, blah blah blah. Two things. 1. Hindsight is 20/20. And 2.You've only met him once.

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 11

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/11/2012 5:17:47 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I have a Daddy/Master that I met on CM a few years ago. He lives a thousand miles away, and we've only been together once, and right now, he is going through a really rough time in His life. He is working, going back to school, and He has some pretty serious health issues. He doesn't feel as if He has time for our relationship at the moment, so He is wanting me to find someone else.

#1: Is he lying to me? Does He just want to get rid of me and this is the nice way to do it?

Yes. Move on.

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 12

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/11/2012 5:58:18 AM

MrsT301

Posts: 48
Joined: 2/28/2012
Status: offline

I agree it's time to move on. There are plenty of other guys out there. I can't imagine doing the long distance thing for 2 years, what's the point of that when you could easily date someone who lives nearby.

I can see maybe doing long distance initially and over time increasing visits and making plans to move to be together but you've only seen each other one time? That doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me. He could be married for all you know.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 13

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/11/2012 6:49:47 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

Take it from someone who knows, comng to a forum and asking for advice can confuse issues even more. Only you know your relationships. ANd since you have a ba zillion questions about this 2 yr relationship, well it speaks for its self. You wont hear what you want to hear.

IMO, find yourself a relationship that allows for more physical contact, there is alot to be said for it. This guy is giving you the out you probably need to find something more fulfilling for you. Letting him rule a new relationship is silly. He is only allowing you half a a relationship. But I do understand where you are coming from, I really do.

(in reply to MrsT301)

Post #: 14

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/11/2012 6:55:55 AM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

!st , you state that you have been together for a couple of years and that he lives thousands of miles away and that you only met once. Right there, I do not consider that a relationship. Maybe it is an online relationship but not " A " relationship. IMO, this is not a relationship, so moving on shouldn't be much of a problem. As far as him telling you who to see and bla bla bla, you just need to have to contact with him for 6 month . That will help with finding someone else. My 2 cents.

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Post #: 15

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/11/2012 7:27:17 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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Sounds to me as if you already know what the right answer is to your little dilemma

Follow your instincts; they almost never let you down.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 16

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/11/2012 7:43:50 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

He's letting you go, that much is obvious. Whatever his reasons are for doing so and whether he is lying is kind of beside the point. At the very base of things here he's letting your relationship with him go. If you really must know, I do think he's covering up his main motive whatever it may be, and letting you down gently. I think even if he is sick and has a lot on his plate that if he wanted you around he'd keep you there.

He's also trying to keep his fingers in the pie by asking you to do various things with others that involve him. Screw that. How fair is it to any new man in your life? How would you feel yourself if you met someone, started doing things with them, enjoyed yourself as things progressed, and then found out he has an ex in the wings dictating what he does with you? That all along he was sharing details of your dealings with him and letting her pronounce judgement on them? How would you feel about that? I'd be furious and feel betrayed.

No...you do not need to start off anything with a new person under the cover of lies and he's a dick for asking you to do that to someone. How selfish, he's letting you go but wants to control what you do....fuck that. Either he's in or he's out, he doesn't get to play puppetmaster. If his circumstances don't allow him to have a more constant relationship with you, then they shouldn't allow him to have you and someone else at his beck and call either. As another poster said...either he shits or gets off the pot. For you to voluntarily give your consent to having him use you doesn't mean other men you will meet have given their consent to it, or would want the woman they are with, you, to be involved with another. How can you not see how utterly wrong that is? You would be lying to these potential partners and using them along with him.

He is saying he's sick and stressed and that you're his only bright spot, but he's also letting you go. I'd not second guess that, I'd take him at his word. If he wanted to keep you then he'd find a way to keep things going.

Other guys will tell you stuff, their motives are not altruistic. What do you think? What do you want? I'd say you were entitled to a full, real, relationship with someone who wants you around. This isn't going to be the only man you'll ever love, and he isn't the only one who will ever match well with you- there are others. Why are you even contemplating settling for so little? Find someone who makes you his first priority, if that is what floats your boat, and give him your love and attention.

I don't know the situation here, but the man in your life now is basically asking to keep you around for the odd times he feels like using you and that's pretty crappy to my way of thinking. If you want to be treated like a toy to be taken out of the closet once a month then go for it. I have to say though that overall this guy doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart by keeping you on a string, and he's being underhanded in wanting to involve another without their knowledge.

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 17

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/11/2012 9:22:18 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: addisonclarkgirl

I have a Daddy/Master that I met on CM a few years ago. He lives a thousand miles away, and we've only been together once

There's your key sentence right there.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 18

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/11/2012 9:55:22 AM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

Thank goodness this daddy thing is not my kink. Talk about consigning oneself to a lifetime of disappointment.

(in reply to addisonclarkgirl)

Post #: 19

RE: He says He wants me to look for someone else - 3/11/2012 11:29:33 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I can't tell if he's lying or not. However it is absolutely wrong for him to instruct you to lie to others. He wants you to date, to allow a man to love you, but you're not supposed to tell this other man that there is nothing more to the relationship than being a fuck buddy. In my mind, dishonesty like this is unforgivable. Hurting innocent people deliberately is just not a moral thing to do.

Although I will say this. I find the OP and her master to be well matched for each other. They both, apparently, lack any sense of honor whatsoever.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 20

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