Thoughts on play rape? (Full Version)

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BusyPlaying -> Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 6:21:59 AM)

L and I tried a session of play rape last night and it was less than great. I journaled a bit about it if you want to know more. We've come away from the experience feeling stronger about our relationship, but we also feel that some things are meant to stay as fantasies. ;)

Anyway, have you ever engaged in this activity and did you find it enjoyable?

Thanks.

J and L



kalikshama -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 6:40:45 AM)

I love the illusion of non-consent! The erotica I enjoy has more elements than I'd want to do IRL, but I've enjoyed many play-rape scenes.

I read your journal entry - which of the elements you mentioned did not work for you? Which did she not like?

I see degradation works for you in other contexts.



fucktoyprincess -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 6:58:43 AM)

I love this type of play, but it doesn't mean everyone has to. I think it is something that either clicks or doesn't. Not everyone enjoys all kinks.

I think it's the type of play where it is not so much exactly what you are doing, but your mindset, and your reactions (on both parts) that work to make it enjoyable. I suspect that if you didn't get all that excited by this type of play, it may just not be for you. I'm at a loss for advice about "oh, you should try it this way, and then it will be more fun".....I'm not sure that really works with this type of play.

But if you want confirmation that this type of play can be enjoyable, and that people do enjoy it - I would be an example of someone who does enjoy it. I really like the "fight" and "physically overtaking" aspects to it - in fact, I usually categorize it as resistance play rather than rape play, because I'm not so much into elaborate rape play scenarios as much as I am into resistance play. I've only ever done that type of play with a very trusted partner. It really requires knowing what the true limits and boundaries are for an individual. I don't see it as play intended to push boundaries. It generally works best for me when I am with a partner who is, in fact, physically capable of overpowering me. Because then we have the best chance of making it feel more "real".

But again, my approach, and what works for me, won't necessarily work for everyone. My approach to this play is by no means the only approach. I'm sure many approach it from a different perspective. Whether any of those approaches would work for you is difficult to say, but I think those of us who like this play, it just "clicks" and we enjoy it - in other words, the very fact that you felt the play was less than great is saying a lot, and I think you have to listen to that.

It is a truth that for any given person some things are better left as fantasy. I certainly have other things that I've tried in my life where the reality didn't live up to the fantasy. I don't spend much time on those types of kinks.



OsideGirl -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 7:24:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess
I really like the "fight" and "physically overtaking" aspects to it - in fact, I usually categorize it as resistance play rather than rape play, because I'm not so much into elaborate rape play scenarios as much as I am into resistance play. I've only ever done that type of play with a very trusted partner. It really requires knowing what the true limits and boundaries are for an individual. I don't see it as play intended to push boundaries. It generally works best for me when I am with a partner who is, in fact, physically capable of overpowering me. Because then we have the best chance of making it feel more "real".


We play rough too. (I don't like the term "play rape") It works because I know I can trust him absolutely.



BusyPlaying -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 7:46:40 AM)

We also play rough, but that's a different beast to me. That one is fun, but can still remain erotic.

What we didn't like about it was how impersonal it got. I guess it's all mindset. The idea was she was walking through the house with her nice little business outfit on and, wham, she gets wrestled down, played rough with (I didn't try to actually hurt her or anything...aside from a bit of spanking and nipple tugging...real pain is just not my style), talked degradingly to her, and, well, just acted like what I would imagine a rapist would act like. Honestly, I don't know what a rapist would be like, so it was all a play.

But when it was said and done we were both like, ummmm...no.

Rough play, hell yeah. Being vocal is awesome and doing demeaning things (golden showers, etc.) are all parts of our fun. This just got too impersonal for us. Maybe it was too real.

Anyway, I appreciate the responses from everyone! :)

-J



OsideGirl -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 7:52:28 AM)

Part of it is that I don't know it's coming. It's quick and hard. Clothes get torn, hair gets pulled, I get pinned.




BusyPlaying -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 8:23:02 AM)

Yeah, see, I like that. It's different. Still can be erotic that way. The rough play concept is great and we both quite enjoy it. So maybe it's just a case of changing the name so that the "rape" aspect is gone from it. Then it can still have an emotional and passionate tie in.

Thanks for your perspective. :)



Missokyst -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 8:35:45 AM)

I have done it and enjoyed it because it is rough, hard, fast and demanding. I agree it can be impersonal but that is part of the draw for me. I think it works for me because I can get wrapped into projects that take all my focus to the point where I am dismissive of everyday life things. Being shaken out of my personal space is often the only thing that will break the obsession with what I am doing at the time.
There are other reasons but way too many to go into on a forum.
It is important that my partner be someone I trust otherwise there is too much danger of a fight to the death mentality going on.



fucktoyprincess -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 8:39:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BusyPlaying

We also play rough, but that's a different beast to me. That one is fun, but can still remain erotic.

What we didn't like about it was how impersonal it got. I guess it's all mindset. The idea was she was walking through the house with her nice little business outfit on and, wham, she gets wrestled down, played rough with (I didn't try to actually hurt her or anything...aside from a bit of spanking and nipple tugging...real pain is just not my style), talked degradingly to her, and, well, just acted like what I would imagine a rapist would act like. Honestly, I don't know what a rapist would be like, so it was all a play.

But when it was said and done we were both like, ummmm...no.

Rough play, hell yeah. Being vocal is awesome and doing demeaning things (golden showers, etc.) are all parts of our fun. This just got too impersonal for us. Maybe it was too real.

Anyway, I appreciate the responses from everyone! :)

-J


Again this is all so personal. I am very much into s&m. So when I say resistance play, there is nothing light about it. It is very intense. So I cannot answer what would make this interesting to a couple who are not into pain (I'm not saying it can't be done, but it doesn't fit into my set of interests). I'm also not into degrading/humiliating talk. So again, it is all just personal preference - but I feel like if, when you were done, what happened didn't appeal to either of you - well, that's your answer.

Again, the terms "rape play", "resistance play", "rough play" really have very individual meanings to each of us. What is considered rough to one couple would be considered light play by another. So we are using terms here that have no fixed meaning in the world of BDSM. They can necessarily only have meaning for a particular couple in a particular relationship.

But the one thing you can answer easily, is whether you enjoyed it or not. And I have to say, from your description, if that wasn't fun, I'm not sure that "more", "more intense", etc. is necessarily the issue, so much as the interaction didn't "speak" to either of you. This is not a good or bad thing. It simply is what it is.

For me, interestingly, the times when I've had partners with whom this was a big part of our play, it didn't feel "impersonal" at all. I can't even begin to articulate what the dynamic was, or what we were tapping into, but it was a type of play that brought us even closer together. I know I'm not explaining this well - because I can't really. This is part of what I mean about it just clicking or not.



DesFIP -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 8:47:10 AM)

It's not something that appeals to either of us. He'd love to do a wrestling scene with me but inside of ten seconds it would be over, he's nearly a foot taller and a lot stronger so it isn't doable for real.

But emotionally it just doesn't call either of our names. What does sort of appeal to him is me walking in the woods, he comes up behind me, grabs me but then seduces me until I'm begging for it. I'm more into him cutting clothes off of me, but you can't do that too often because of the loss of clothing.

As you can see, the different elements that go into rape play can also be used in different scenarios. Why not deconstruct it and try the different elements and see what it is that does and doesn't work.



littlewonder -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 8:48:33 AM)

quote:

played rough with (I didn't try to actually hurt her or anything...aside from a bit of spanking and nipple tugging...real pain is just not my style), talked degradingly to her,


Heh, this is normal sex for us.

Except the no pain deal. There's always pain involved for us.



BusyPlaying -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 9:17:11 AM)

I really appreciate all of the points of view here. FTPrincess nailed it in that it's clear that this is just not something that we're into.

Still, though, what I really liked about this experimentation was that it didn't put a rift between us where we began to question if this lifestyle is right or not for us. Instead, it made us step back, appreciate that we tried something new, accept that it wasn't for us, and then we talked a grew further in the lifestyle. Kind of cool, actually.



JeffBC -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 9:27:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BusyPlaying
I really appreciate all of the points of view here. FTPrincess nailed it in that it's clear that this is just not something that we're into. Still, though, what I really liked about this experimentation was that it didn't put a rift between us...

It is my firm opinion that pretty much any and all exploration a couple makes as a team is good exploration. It may or may not appeal to you but even then the experience itself is bonding. Carol and I have sampled a fair number of BDSM-ey things... almost all of which don't appeal (to me). Some of them do. The journey, taken as a whole, has brought us much closer together as a couple.

Insofar as "growing into the lifestyle", I'll settle for just plain "growing". I'm not sure that there is any "lifestyle" to grow into.



fucktoyprincess -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 10:58:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BusyPlaying

I really appreciate all of the points of view here. FTPrincess nailed it in that it's clear that this is just not something that we're into.

Still, though, what I really liked about this experimentation was that it didn't put a rift between us where we began to question if this lifestyle is right or not for us. Instead, it made us step back, appreciate that we tried something new, accept that it wasn't for us, and then we talked a grew further in the lifestyle. Kind of cool, actually.


The sign of a healthy relationship! Yay! [:)]



fucktoyprincess -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 11:01:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

It's not something that appeals to either of us. He'd love to do a wrestling scene with me but inside of ten seconds it would be over, he's nearly a foot taller and a lot stronger so it isn't doable for real.

But emotionally it just doesn't call either of our names. What does sort of appeal to him is me walking in the woods, he comes up behind me, grabs me but then seduces me until I'm begging for it. I'm more into him cutting clothes off of me, but you can't do that too often because of the loss of clothing.

As you can see, the different elements that go into rape play can also be used in different scenarios. Why not deconstruct it and try the different elements and see what it is that does and doesn't work.


I have often wondered about the clothes cutting or ripping (I always feel I would be sort of sad to lose the clothing [&o])

If you do this often do you buy "special" play clothes for this that you don't mourn the loss of (from the least expensive place you know of). Sorry, not trying to derail the thread, but ripping off of clothes can be part of "rape play". Do you know ahead of time that this play might be a possibility, or is whatever you are wearing a possible casualty. I am very attached to my clothes....(!)



HisPet21 -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 11:19:11 AM)

quote:

...talked degradingly to her, and, well, just acted like what I would imagine a rapist would act like. Honestly, I don't know what a rapist would be like, so it was all a play.


Do correct me if I am wrong, but it looks like the only element of the rape play that you didn't enjoy was the impersonal aspect. Namely, you were pretending to be someone else, someone who had no real interest in your particular girl, and that lack of connection turned the experience from an erotic one into a simply unpleasant one. You don't mind the degradation, rough play, or pain. You just want to indulge your connection to the person you are playing with, and taking on the mindset of a rapist and a rapee (is that even a real word?) for the sake of the play session ruined that connection.

I'm similar. My partner and I have tried "role play," and for the most part, I don't enjoy it. There are exceptions, but generally speaking, I hate pretending he is someone else and that I am someone else. If we decide to set up a Master & Slave scenario, rather than pretending that I am a slave and he is my master, he'll let out the masterly aspect of himself and I let my inner slave out. We aren't pretending to be different people, we're just letting different facets of who we are take over for the sake of indulging them. Sometimes this is really hard, and I still haven't ever been able to fully just get into the slave mindset. It's embarrassing and I hold back, but I'll get there eventually.

But you don't have to pretend to be a rapist to indulge in rape play. It's a touchy type of play, so tread carefully, but if she's agreed in advance to it and has a safe word, rather than setting up an elaborate rape role play scene, just force her to have sex with you when you want it and she doesn't. You can still be you and she can still be her. It's still rape play if there is (mostly) forced sex. Just, you know, also have a safe word and respect it.



Muttling -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 1:32:45 PM)

I have no suggestions on how to improve your play, but do commend you on experimenting and talking about how to make a fantasy real in a sensible way. I'm not at all bi and tried a forced bi scene with a Domme I trusted fully, it didn't work and showed me that forced bi is best left in the fantasy world for me. There are many aspects of play rape that I see as similar and if you learn to make it work GREAT. If you don't then be comfortable in knowing you tried to make a fantasy come true in a way that didn't work but didn't harm either of you either.

I wish you both the best.



BusyPlaying -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 3:29:24 PM)

@HisPet21: You pretty much summed it up! It was essentially everything we've done before but impersonal and way more intense. The role playing aspect just didn't work for us. You seem to be in a similar situation with the RP aspect.

@Muttling: Sounds like you have a healthy dose of experimentation too. I think of it as a playground. Some games you like and some you don't, but you'll never know which is which until you try.



JeffBC -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 3:38:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Muttling
... if you learn to make it work GREAT. If you don't then be comfortable in knowing you tried to make a fantasy come true in a way that didn't work but didn't harm either of you either.

And... I've learned that there's lots of grey area in all this. For instance, masochism worked for Carol to a degree. For me it was "neutral" but it was pretty obvious that I could "acquire the taste" if I so desired. So that went into the bin of "might be fun later". There's also the fact that something which isn't of interest to me now might well be 5 years from now. My own crystal ball is notoriously faulty so I like to recheck my "facts" periodically about what I like and dislike just on general principle.

Overall, I prefer the very fluid view of "two people loving and trusting each other and just plain having fun" to the very static world that is composed of agreements and lists and limits.



slaveluci -> RE: Thoughts on play rape? (3/15/2012 3:45:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess


If you do this often do you buy "special" play clothes for this that you don't mourn the loss of (from the least expensive place you know of).

Exactly. The Salvation Army, Goodwill and any other thrift store sells clothes very, very cheaply. It's worth the cost to buy a few for just such an occasion [;)]

luci



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