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Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 9:27:26 AM

Norm5000

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Occasionally, I have come into contact/heard of people who are so into the lifestyle that anyone who is in their life knows who they are, and what they are about D/s wise.
With that said, I think the majority of the folks into the lifestyle, are very selective with who they let know in the vanilla world.

Have you ever tried to explain D/s to a vanilla friend? Did they get/understand it? I am not talking about in passing telling a close friend that you are into it. I am taling about trying to confide in a close vanilla friend in detail about it.

If so, how did it go? Did the person understand it? Or were they just more confused?

Post #: 1

RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 9:35:31 AM

Lockit

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I don't give details of my sexual life to anyone, whether they get anything or not. I have told people not involved or that don't get it, that I am a dominant and may tell them that I have some kink and by the time I was done, they understood. Where there may have been some attitude about it all, that was quickly changed. Understanding dominance and submission was even a challenge for me at one time. How I processed it all is how I explain it to those that are close to me. They have a right to know some things so that they don't misunderstand and run with misunderstanding that might taint our relationship.

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 9:43:28 AM

bighappygoth39

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When I first told my best female friend who I've known for nearly twenty years, she wasn't surprised in the slightest. I did confide in here a lot when I was first looking into things and finding out what I did and didn't like.

Most of my family don't really know, but I know they wouldn't be surprised, either.

Back to when I told my friend, she pretty much got what I was telling her, and was very supportive, even though she said it wasn't her thing. We had many chats about the experiences I had while finding out what I actually wanted, and had many, many good laughs about it along the way.

Since I've been in my wonderful relationship for the past two years, though, I've not had to confide in her about stuff, and as my man is pretty private, I've preferred not to tell her the details, which she has understood just as much.

How I see it, if they're the brilliant friend you believe them to be, them being vanilla shouldn't cause any problems.

I hope that answers your question, anyway.

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 11:43:58 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Norm5000

Occasionally, I have come into contact/heard of people who are so into the lifestyle that anyone who is in their life knows who they are, and what they are about D/s wise.
With that said, I think the majority of the folks into the lifestyle, are very selective with who they let know in the vanilla world.

Have you ever tried to explain D/s to a vanilla friend? Did they get/understand it? I am not talking about in passing telling a close friend that you are into it. I am taling about trying to confide in a close vanilla friend in detail about it.

If so, how did it go? Did the person understand it? Or were they just more confused?

In talking to people about it I've found that I've never once found someone who is actually "vanilla". Once I share, they share.

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(in reply to Norm5000)

Post #: 4

RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 11:47:42 AM

DaddySatyr

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Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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Usually, I don't discuss BDSM activities with anyone other than partners (there have been some very rare exceptions).

With friends, I'm often asked about my relationships and I make the answer very simple:

When two people just can't find a way to compromise, one of them has to make the ultimate decision. There's no "majority" in most relationships. So, ultimately, someone has to "drive the bus".

In my relationships, just call me: Ralph Kramden

Most of my friends understand that pretty easily.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 12:03:27 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
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Its a lot more than my sex life... its my life... that said, I have very few vanilla friends.. and even though know a little bit... they just don't need the intimate details of my life... the bulk of my friends are not vanilla... so I have no need to "explain". And frankly, I wouldn't want to...

sometimes its best just to leave things... there is a time and place for everything...

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 12:07:35 PM

81song

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I don’t discuss my sex life and my D/s with my other vanilla friends. It is like everything else one must be discrete. My girlfriend (on and off again) has known from the get go and she still does not understand why I am this way but she has come a long way. But lord know the subject of D/s sure comes up or should I have the themes of D/s come up in subjects sometimes.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 7

RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 12:53:24 PM

PrincessDonna11

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I discuss it with those that I know and trust well and have even had a "vanilla " friend sit in and it turned her on when she gave him a few whacks with her hand. I will tell someone that it is Total Power Exchange as Opposed to S/m

(in reply to 81song)

Post #: 8

RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 1:02:40 PM

myrgth

Posts: 36
Joined: 8/20/2011
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I'm a fairly reserved person, in general.

It would not be normal for me to give details.

I would like to say, though, that people love to tell me things. Deep, dark, secret, and often sexual things. They've been doing it since I was a child, although the sex stuff got mixed in later. I'm convinced it's the whole, "round, friendly face" thing mixed in with my innately open and accepting nature. With that, I'm pretty much convinced there are no "vanilla" people. Everyone has a bit of something something going on. Everyone!

Also, people don't really question my relationships. Most people who know me well simply assume. Friends, co-workers, etc. Co-workers invariably see me as the one in charge. To them, it translates that I'm a bossy boots at home as well. Friends, well, they already know whether they know the name of it or not. For the most part they lump it into the old: "she wears the pants in that relationship!" mindset. Only one friend actually knows about my foray and experiences into the lifestyle from me.

(in reply to Norm5000)

Post #: 9

RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 1:19:03 PM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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Everyone has got something a bit off centre in their lives. If it's something personal, quite often most of the people in their lives will never know.

I am not terribly close to very many people. I never have been. There is one person I have known for over twenty years that recently told G.D. " I don't feel like I know LeeAnn at all." And she doesn't.

I don't purposely hide stuff, I just don't go around running my mouth off. It's a need to know basis. If people ask questions, I answer them. I don't elaborate.

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Post #: 10

RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 1:33:15 PM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
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It's not something I share with vanilla friends. I only talk about my interests with other people who I know to have BDSM interests to begin with (partners, friends I've made along the way either through online or real life interaction). For me, I do not feel the need to share this with any of my vanilla friends.

I also don't want to be misjudged. I'm not sure everyone I know would be completely accepting. And I would not want my sharing this set of information with someone to somehow affect what was otherwise a strong, good friendship. I do not believe that a good, close vanilla friend would necessarily be accepting and non-judgmental about BDSM (maybe I'm wrong, but that's the sense I get). I am certainly not accepting of everything a friend does, simply because they are a friend. When they have shared things with me about their relationships, or children, etc., if I felt they were not doing the right thing, I don't hesitate to say so (in a kind supportive way). I think being a good friend actually means you need to say something if you think someone is making a mistake. So my truly vanilla friends - I guess I have a hard time imagining them not raising concerns about my choices that I simply do not feel like defending. Certain interests of mine, like s&m, don't always make sense - even to people in the BDSM world, let alone those who are vanilla. I would rather not be put on the defensive about something that makes sense to me and that I don't feel any conflict or guilt about. I feel it's easier for everyone if I simply don't share this aspect of my life. My perspective only.

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 2:18:29 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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I don't have any vanilla friends. I have vanilla acquaintances but they aren't people with whom I would discuss my sex life.

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 4:01:44 PM

marsneedswomen

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Post #: 13

RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 5:02:36 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
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From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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i do have some very close vanilla friends that know and understand. At least they say they do and they really seem like they really do. They are totally non-judgmental in the that's cool for you if you like it way. My family does not know and friends and acquaintances that are not so close do not know. I'm very selective in who knows and, with those I do talk about it with, I make sure they know it's NOT just about sex but about the whole relationship power exchange dynamic.

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 7:13:47 PM

hereyesruponyou

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My job requires discretion, so I prefer not to open that side of me up to anyone who lives in the area. I'm lucky to have some good friends in the lifestyle that I keep up with long distance.

I have enough trouble with my local "friends" understanding why I am not freaked by my husband watching other girls butts...Can't imagine what they'd do if they realized how much he fantasized about big black cocks too...

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/16/2012 11:15:29 PM

littlewonder

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I don't talk about my personal life unless asked about it usually. I had a friend who asked me about my relationships only because when we'd go out she noticed the types of men I was attracted to. So I simply told her I like strong, dominant personality men, the type who are the leaders of the relationship, the ones who are the authority and control and that I like kinky sex. She asked me questions about the kinky sex, went into a little more detail and just shook her head, laughed and said I was crazy lol. It's not her thing and that's fine. She teases me from time to time about it and I tease her about her choice in men which isn't such a great track record lol.

My family never asks because they already know from us growing up together what I like and I'm into. We simply don't talk about it.

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/17/2012 3:38:22 AM

searching4mysir

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My mother said, after the first time she met Master, "Why are you so subservient to him?"

I responded, "Because I like it that way".

She doesn't get it. She never will, and that is OK as long as she accepts that this is my life and I live it as I choose.

(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/17/2012 10:31:32 AM

kalikshama

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This has been my experience as well:

quote:

In talking to people about it I've found that I've never once found someone who is actually "vanilla". Once I share, they share.

quote:

I don't have any vanilla friends. I have vanilla acquaintances but they aren't people with whom I would discuss my sex life.

(in reply to RumpusParable)

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/17/2012 5:45:26 PM

Zinco

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Joined: 5/30/2009
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I confided once in a female friend. She still mocks me to this day.

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RE: Confiding in vanilla friends about the lifestyle - 3/17/2012 6:00:49 PM

SorceressJ

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Joined: 7/24/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Zinco

I confided once in a female friend. She still mocks me to this day.

..then, unless you're one of those who enjoys being mocked and was hoping she would do just that, I'd say she wasn't much of a friend.

< Message edited by SorceressJ -- 3/17/2012 6:02:51 PM >

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