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RE: Our classification? - 3/18/2012 3:16:52 PM

IrishMist

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Your classification?

Hmm, ok.

One male.
One female.
Married.
Apparantly happy.

What more do you need?

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RE: Our classification? - 3/18/2012 3:35:10 PM

Aileen1968

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BusyPlaying

Hello all,

We're hoping folks could help us out. It's only been a short time since we started playing and we're starting to wonder what our classification really is. Last night we picked up the book "Erotic Slavehood" by Christina Abernathy and started reading through it. So far, the descriptions she conveys do not fit what we thought was a Master/slave relationship. It could be that we have more reading to do. :)

Anyway, here is the breakdown of what our situation is:

* In our marriage she sees it as her duty is to look up to me as head of the household and to serve me, completely, and I protect her and care for her.

* She is highly sexually submissive, which includes most everything (aside from scat and heavy pain), and enjoys wearing things to entice me and she works to always be ready for me anytime I so desire.

* She has seen me with a woman before and desperately wants that to happen again and again. She also wants to service the other woman, etc. Much like a male cuckold, but the other way around. I believe the term is Cuckquean?

So far it seems to fit the M/s motif, right? But then we read the book and we're finding that we have no interest in the standard rituals therein. The interview, contracts, controlling bodily functions, forms of address, how to enter/exit a room, postures, voice commands, etc. Maybe it's because we've been married for 20 years?

Any suggestions as to what we would be labeled in this lifestyle? It would just be nice to know so that when we talk with people we can convey our situation as intelligently as possible.

Thanks for any help you can provide. We're both happier than we have ever been and we're growing with each day, but we're also still pretty new to all this. :)

-J and L

I don't know...just the fact that you're concerned with the concept of labels might mean that they are meaningful to you. If so, can't help you there.

We do what feel natural to us and makes us happy. We don't waste time or energy on what others think or how they might even possibly label us.
We have a m/s relationship. I call him by his first name. I bust his balls. I tell him when I'm pissed off. I have an independent brain.
And yet, he rules my world and I do everything and anything I can to make his life more wonderful just because I love him.

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RE: Our classification? - 3/18/2012 3:38:05 PM

JeffBC

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From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK
Im not sure what the correct term for what you described is but it seems like you do have something awesome going on

In the end, always the most important point... and one which is frequently glossed over. I'm a huge believer in actual, real world, demonstrated success.

As I read this, we have a couple who's been married for 20 years. From the tone and other things, I'm guessing happily so... happy enough to embark on this sort of a journey at the 20 year mark. I'm gonna agree with the assessment "something awesome" and that awesome thing has nothing to do with BDSM.

Going back to the OP... Any suggestions as to what we would be labeled in this lifestyle?

Yeah, I have a serious suggestion. Labelling is only a problem if you make it a problem (and on the internet). So on the internet, Carol is usually just my wife. That neatly gets me out of the whole label thing since so far nobody has ever said she's not a true wife and I'm not a true husband. IN the real world, I have a default label -- husband and wife. That default gets modified based upon the person I'm talking to, the specific facet of our marriage I'm trying to capture, and the looks of understanding/puzzlement I get back from the other person. My intent with the label is not to win the label wars... it's to communicate. So whatever word most accurately works IN THE LISTENER'S mind for the reality of my marriage is the correct word. That means Carol is all sorts of things. Does it really matter if I think of you and your wife as Top/bottom or Master/slave? Whatever label that I apply to it, here's what I know..

- You two are married -- and for long enough that it's got some legs to it.
- You're happy in that marriage.
- You love each other.
- You are both adventurous sexually and she's a bottom in the bedroom.
- She defers to you (to some extent... you didn't clarify) outside the bedroom.

Is that pretty close? I'd say you communicated just fine. Me personally, I'm happy to go with whatever label you like. I'm more interested in the reality of it than the terminology.

Regarding labels, someone here once said to me (as I was angsting over the same thing) "So if you don't like slave then what is better? Does the word 'wife' actually capture the totality of what Carol is to you any better than 'slave'?" It was a very good point. No single word is ever going to encompass an entire relationship/person.

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RE: Our classification? - 3/18/2012 3:51:07 PM

TNDommeK

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Very true indeed.

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RE: Our classification? - 3/19/2012 1:38:03 AM

lizi

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How things have worked in my life is that the more time that passes the more undefinable my relationship gets with my Dominant as far as BDSM goes. We met here, we call ourselves a Dominant and a submissive, but with the passing of time spent with each other I think those D/s labels have become less defining of what we do with each other.

To my way of seeing it for us, there is a solid foundation which includes some things that are recognizable as traditional D/s, and there are all kinds of other things that swirl around in the mix that wouldn't be considered traditional at all. It evolves, much like your own relationship and I imagine it will keep evolving with time to suit what we want at that time.

Some things for us I'd call M/s, some D/s, some whatever the hell else is left. Lately I've become much more vocal than I ever was about changes I want to see him make for his health as I become more educated, and therefore more certain of what I'm asking. Funny thing is, he's on board with it, so it's reinforced the feeling that I can ask for something that I've carefully assessed. It's been odd and strangely satisfying to see him actively doing things I asked for. Strangely enough he was the one that gave me a voice, being with him has taught me much in how to be a good leader, how to stand up for important things, and how to present them to another. I'm still the second in command, make no mistake about it, but it was weird to change things up some. Overall I'm sure I won't ever know what we'll be in years to come, we just have to be open to seeing what comes our way.

In the beginning labels were important to me, now I see that they really are just a jumping off point and don't matter a whole lot, although it's kind of nice to have a general category type of thing to get things going till you find the flavor that suits you best. We seemed to like having those names to call ourselves when we started off together, now it's just part of the scenery and not anything we put a lot of thought into. I like calling us boss and executive assistant, that setup isn't ever going to change, but how we interact I think is an evolution.

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RE: Our classification? - 3/19/2012 6:19:27 AM

Madame4a

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I like labels... but I prefer that people find their own and then, if I don't get them, and its appropriate, they let me know what they mean. That said.. I love them, not everyone does.. and I prefer folks self define... always.. IF they want to.

I'd suggest, unless you're out looking for someone and its your relationshiip... why define anything, other than between you two?

In my relationship, we defy any labels, though we do use them. When we are in certain situations... people do ask us what our deal is.. if they're really interested, we explain that we are multifaceted and we let them know what that all means. We are often in M/s circles, even though we are not M/s, for the most part, that aligns most closely with our relationship dynamics.

label if you wish.. but self define... but don't worry about it unless its important to you

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RE: Our classification? - 3/19/2012 1:42:57 PM

CaptJosh

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Personally, I'd say rather than label yourselves, pick a title for the type of relationship, decide on what you want to try and what your limits are (hard and soft), and then don't worry about labels. Labels are for cans in the store.

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RE: Our classification? - 3/19/2012 1:45:44 PM

Madame4a

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I want to add, if you're trying to label yourself as far as this place goes? Stop now...this is the most confining place where labels are concerned... some very basic and general label options are missing here.

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RE: Our classification? - 3/19/2012 3:32:41 PM

BusyPlaying

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Again, excellent advice from all. It seems that everyone is saying similar things and that just lends credit to the overall message. You all articulate your thoughts on this (and most) subjects excellently. It's great stuff.

We're bypassing the labeling and just being what we are. There is a pretty long path that we're just embarking on and as time goes on we will surely find some things that fit and some that don't. Already have! So maybe there will come a time where we have narrowed things down a little more, but there is no hurry for that, and with any luck it will always be vast enough that we never fit a label. ;) Right now it's just fun, adventurous, and exciting.

Thanks again to everyone. We sure hope this topic helps other noobs as much as it's helped us.

-J & L

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