RE: just my opion, girl is tried, hurt and frustrated

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RE: just my opion, girl is tried, hurt and frustrated - 6/4/2006 10:05:08 AM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
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I have mixed feelings on this subject.

I do know that a significant number of vanilla wives in the (40-60 age range especially) really cannot understand why a man needs these things.

I also know that not all husbands need BDSM as a primary focus in their lives. They may need BDSM activities only once in a while.

I also know that some men may have a high stress job where they make all the decisions and need to "drop the superman's cape" for a limited and private period of time. By the same token, a quiet, mousey little accountant may need to "become the superhero" from time to time.

Now does that mean that they don't belong on Collarme? That they aren't "real" or "valid" or whatever adjective you wanna stick them with?

They belong here just as much as the full time lifestylers. The main difference is this: Guys, if you're looking for the occasional play partner, even a consistent play partner without strings - BE HONEST and don't mislead someone who's looking for a life partner.

Ladies, if you're looking for a life partner and don't want to just play casually, SAY SO and don't get involved with someone who's married and them expect him to dump her and join you.

I have an open marriage, so I don't cheat. But some people don't realize they need this in their lives until AFTER they already have wife, kids, ties to the community, careers, etc. This might sound like a goofy example, but when a woman goes to her gynecologist, she's not in danger of having her whole life turned upside down. When a person goes to a therapist and shares intimate secrets, they aren't going to come home to a note that says "I'm going home to mother!". But you let a man see a ProDomme, and Hells bells, he's a crackpot lunatic that should be thrown in a cage somewhere.

Don't laugh, as a ProDomme and Lifestyle counsellor, I've actually received calls from women - "I found all these magazines/websites on my husband's computer. May I ask a few questions?" These are some of the most frustrating, yet rewarding calls I've ever gotten because some women have actually confronted husbands and then begun to get involved in their husband's kink, or allowed their husbands freedom to go and get it on their own.

The problem is, many men will make claims that their wives don't understand, just to escape responsibility for their choices... which makes it harder for those men who's wives really won't understand.

< Message edited by Calandra -- 6/4/2006 10:15:44 AM >

(in reply to slavejlb)

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RE: just my opion, girl is tried, hurt and frustrated - 6/4/2006 10:18:22 AM

slavejlb

Posts: 446
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

to answer Jane:
yes i do freely admit to being married, and my husband and i have a very open realtionship. What i was trying to say by my postion is i dont if the man is married, but i dont like is because he is not open, I myself feel like all they want is a back alley afair,. I wish i had save the message i got last so i could show what i mean. Also i feel that in a D/s realtionship that is something you should be able to express, I am not something that needs to be hid in closet, for if you are proud of yourself as a dom, and me as a slave, then why can we not go out where others will accept us.
do i sumit to married man, not if he is not open, made that mistake once, Also what i am trying to express, I am not a free whore, in fact i am to the point of removing any sexual intrest from my profile. Just cause your wife does not understand, dont come to me, just to get a blow job, or other.
thank you

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

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RE: just my opion, girl is tried, hurt and frustrated - 6/4/2006 10:30:57 AM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

slavejib
Forgive me please for saying this, but some slaves "WANT" to be in the role of "dirty little secret". It adds taboo and intrigue to the relationship.

Now it is true that some Dominants (Male or Female) will focus on their wants and needs and when they write emails, will forget totally to take your feelings into consideration. (It's actually YOUR JOB to make your feelings known in any reply).

If I were you, consider the things that really bother you about some of these letters you're receiving. Make a short list. The open notepad and write a short, respectful paragraph explaining your feelings on each issue in your list. Save this document, and then when someone writes to you, simply open this document, copy and paste whatever paragraphs apply to "this letter" and hit send.

You'll be educating people about your feelings, and about potential feelings of other submissives who may receive letters from them. You won't be reactionary since you wrote with a cool head. And you'll be standing firm for what YOU ARE SEEKING. All this AND you didn't take more than five minutes to accomplish this since you had your replies on file already.

Just a suggestion....

(in reply to slavejlb)

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RE: just my opion, girl is tried, hurt and frustrated - 6/4/2006 10:46:09 AM

LadyRissa

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/27/2004
Status: offline

Okay, heres my take on the situation. Im a Domme and I dont play with married men unless their wife knows. Im married, poly, and my hubby knows everything I do. I get alot of the "My wife doesnt understand me" crap. My first question is "Have you tried?" Because if one person has a need the other will/can not fulfill, there should be a compromise. If compromise cannot be reached, perhaps therapy should be involved. If both parties are *still* not getting what they want, then I would question staying in a relationship where needs are not being met or at least considered.

I would *never* Play with a married man w/o his wife knowing. My husband cheated on me (before we became poly ) and I would not wish that pain on anyone. Even if there is no sex...I still wouldnt do it. But thats just me. I like everything in my life to be right there on the surface. I always joke that no one will ever be able to blackmail me, because Im so out with everything in my life. If I wouldnt want someone to know Im doing it, I shouldnt *be* doing it. Anyway, I've rambled enough. To the OP, keep looking, not all Doms are cheating losers. Get out there and meet people. When you least expect it to happen, he will show up!
Rissa

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

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