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Relocation - 3/30/2012 9:25:04 PM

Azanthis

Posts: 12
Joined: 3/7/2012
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Hello all,

apologies, i know the subject of this post is incredibly broad, but i'm not exactly sure how to phrase it. a sub friend of mine is seriously considering relocating with her Master, and it brought up some questions of whether i would to the same, and if so what effect this would have on college education, career possibilities, etc. So my question is, have you relocated for a BDSM relationship, and if so what were the motivators and the outcomes?

respectfully,
~naomi

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Post #: 1

RE: Relocation - 3/30/2012 9:42:14 PM

littlewonder

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Yes. I relocated a few months ago to be with Master. We've been in a relationship though for the past 6 years but I was not able to earlier because I had a child in school. I wanted to wait till she was an adult and went off to college. So it wasn't something I just jumped into hurriedly. I made plans over the years to be ready for this step because it's what we both wanted together but it had to be my decision though because he didn't feel like he was forcing me to do so.

My motivation was that I love and adore him and wanted to always be with him just like any other normal couple would. So far it's turned out wonderful and I have no complaints. It just gets better with time.

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RE: Relocation - 3/30/2012 9:50:22 PM

Azanthis

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Joined: 3/7/2012
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that's lovely, and thank you for sharing it.

that's sort of what i was getting at with my girlfriend, im of the type to just up and go, but i know its more because i have nothing holding me to one place. she on the other hand doesn't have anything tying her down, except for her own attachment to the city, so it's hard for her to leave.

not really sure what to suggest. i dont have that problem, so even though i can understand being connected to a certain place its not my nature to stay where i am for long periods of time anyway.....

and now i'm rambling

apologies. but yes, your story does help. i can definitely see where a longer relationship and planning would make the situation more comfortable for all involved.

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Post #: 3

RE: Relocation - 3/30/2012 10:12:36 PM

LafayetteLady

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Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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There are a lot of things to consider if one is going to think about it. Theoretically, relocating for a relationship is the same for any type of relationship. Some people have transient relationships (especially at a younger age, and not ready to settle down), and some people, like you, enjoy moving from place to place.

If someone is still trying to finish their college education, they should definately take that into consideration. Is there are good school at the new location for their major, and will their credits transfer? With career options, it depends on the career. Since you are in NYC, for example, if you are looking to be a Broadway stage star, moving to Oregon is probably gonna toss that option out the window. However, if one is a nurse, the options are more open, know what I mean?

I look at it from the stance of someone who isn't simply looking for a BDSM relationship, but a life partner as well with someone where love is part of the package. Of course, I'm also not willing to relocate, lol.

So for your friend (who I assume is still in college based on your post), she should consider how close to finishing she is for starters. If she has only a year or so to go, personally I think she should finish. If the relationship is really meant to be, another year or so won 't change things. Yes, it will be difficult, but she can certainly concentrate on her studies to make it less difficult. She should also look at what career prospects are available in her chosen field are at the new location. If there aren't any, that should be a major consideration. If he doesn't want her to work at all, something else to think about.

There is no easy answer about relocation. Some people (like me) are pretty attached to the area in which we live and don't want to leave. Others (like you) enjoy moving to new places. The most important thing to consider is what you are hoping to get from the relationship. A "for now" kind of thing seems to be senseless to relocate, where a "forever" partnership means someone is going to need to move (or both somewhere new). Then there are those who relocate for a relationship that they don't plan to have last, but use as a stepping stone to get them started in the new location.

If I were you, I would tell my friend to think of all the pros and cons for both moving and staying, as well as to think about how long she has known her partner and spent actual time with him/her. If they have never met, then she really shouldn't even think of relocating at all yet. I think of "relocation" as typically being more than two hours from where you currently are and not to be done on a whim.

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Post #: 4

RE: Relocation - 3/30/2012 10:46:11 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
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I moved 1500 miles to be with Gary. However, I was in my mid 50s when I moved so did not have to consider children or school or other problems. I also fixed things so if it were not working well after 2 months I could have gone back and resumed my life as if the move had never happened. I would have had my job and lived in my house again. I moved to begin a life I had only dreamed about for years. That was the life of living in and traveling in a motor home. I have never regretted the move. This life was everything I ever dream of plus I have Gary too. He is my best friend as well as my Dom.

edited to add
Before I made this move Gary met my family. I met his. He also took me to the visits he made to his transplant doctor so I would understand his medical condition. We spent a 3 week vacation traveling in my state in the motor home so I could get an idea as to whether it was something I could do. Some people can't tolerate the small space.

< Message edited by peppermint -- 3/30/2012 11:03:58 PM >

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RE: Relocation - 3/31/2012 2:37:27 AM

crazyml

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Ello,

Some great responses so far, all I'd say is that you seem to have a pretty good handle on the issues..

You're totally right to ask about the effects relocation would have on career, education etc etc. They're important factors, and I'd hope that if you were considering a relocation your dominant other would have the same concerns for you.

Ultimately it's like all of these big life choices - you have to think about all of the impacts/factors, you might have to compromise on one or two of them, but if the net of it all is that you'll be happier and more fulfilled (and to me this would imply fulfillment in its broadest sense) then you relocate. If it isn't then you don't.

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Post #: 6

RE: Relocation - 3/31/2012 2:39:25 AM

crazyml

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Joined: 7/3/2007
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Hey littlewonder,

Your post was lovely.

The first, and pretty obvious thing, is that you didn't rush into it.

Can I ask what other things you considered (career, friendship networks, etc)?

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Post #: 7

RE: Relocation - 3/31/2012 5:12:10 AM

kitkat105

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From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
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It's probably a good idea to try and think of it as rationally as possible, which I know can be hard because love (and emotion) don't make it easy! Is it short term or LTR? Are you compatible as far as vanilla interests go? Are there good colleges? What's the employment levels like for your profession? For me personally it would depend on how serious the relationship is, where I'd be moving and the support I had of not only my family/friends but of his as well.

I'm in the position of relocating from rural Australia to the US in July. I spent 3 amazing months with someone who started as a acquaintance, but quickly became a friend, my Dom and my lover. Living together for that time was a really good trial. I have never felt an emotion this strong for anyone before so deciding to be with Him was something I didn't have to think twice about. I love Him with all my heart and soul and even though I have butterflies I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with Him.

My family & friends are supportive because they see how happy I am. I am a registered nurse so while getting my visa will be a process, employment opportunities for me shouldn't be too hard.

< Message edited by kitkat105 -- 3/31/2012 5:13:39 AM >

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Post #: 8

RE: Relocation - 3/31/2012 6:26:48 AM

littlecherie

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Joined: 3/29/2012
Status: offline

Yep, I have. I gave up a decent job, apartment, and my favorite city ever to move to a different state and be with Master. Sometimes I get depressed about it, but I realize that change is good, and I"ll get over it.

It's been 5 months, and it's been relatively great :) It's a different pace, smaller city, not much to do , but I am getting used to it.

Good luck!

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Post #: 9

RE: Relocation - 3/31/2012 7:57:13 AM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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I knew R for 6 months (long distance) before I relocated to be with him. I'd met two of his friends but not him. He turned out to be very different in person than he was over the phone. It fizzled romantically very quickly but we are friends to this day.

His next sub did spend several weekends with him before she moved in and had the same experience with him being different in person. She is unable to detach from her fantasy of him and is miserable most of the time.

I moved back to MA to be close to my family and am no longer relocatable - I missed them too much and my parents are elderly and brother special needs.

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RE: Relocation - 3/31/2012 10:47:32 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

Hey littlewonder,

Your post was lovely.

The first, and pretty obvious thing, is that you didn't rush into it.

Can I ask what other things you considered (career, friendship networks, etc)?

I had to consider my career at a well paying job but being I absolutely hated my job it was easy to quit lol. I didn't care how much it paid, I wanted out. Being that I no longer have my daughter at home though and she lives on her own with a job and a boyfriend and all that, she no longer really needs my financial help so it was easy for me to quit the job. I'm basically only paying for one person now...me.

I had to consider my home. I had to put it up for sale and wait for a buyer. In this economy as we all know, that wasn't an easy thing to do and I ended up getting less for it than I would have before 2008 but at least I still made a profit.

Those were really the only two things that were big challenges. I really wasn't attached to where I was then, didn't like living there, didn't really have any close friends there and my family doesn't live there nor here so that didn't matter to me either.

And here....as it so happens my daughter had moved a half hour from where I'm at now so I still get to see her from time to time when she wants to tolerate lunch with her mom. haha

I was basically looking to start my life over after having a grown child so for me this was a perfect opportunity and so far it's been the best choice I've ever made.

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Post #: 11

RE: Relocation - 3/31/2012 11:01:45 AM

Soyokaze

Posts: 390
Joined: 4/1/2007
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I relocated once, but I didn't have much going for me where I was. The relationship I was in fell apart after about 4 months; I continued living there as someone renting a room for a bit before I moved out and got the job I have now.

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RE: Relocation - 3/31/2012 11:22:04 AM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
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This is not exactly what you asked, but my dominant relocated from Canada to marry me and live with me here. We discussed both possibilities, but he made the decision based on a number of factors, mainly, how much stress would be involved for me to move to him; I would have had to sell my house, and he also did not want to pull me away from my support system. So he is here, and it is going great.

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Post #: 13

RE: Relocation - 3/31/2012 7:08:20 PM

whiteslavebitch

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Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

I relocated to the east coast from the west coast over 4 years ago. It was the best thing for me, things with Master and me are great. I had known him for >2yrs when I moved, had spent time visiting him, he spent time visiting me, talked more than daily. He's still the honest straightforward man I first met. I couldn't be happier.

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Post #: 14

RE: Relocation - 3/31/2012 7:15:16 PM

OsideGirl

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Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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I made the decision to move to CA from the east coast. However, I did it having a job and my own place. The relationship only lasted a few months after moving here because like a lot of other people have found, the dynamic changed with the geography. Regardless, I had moved to a place that I liked and could actually thrive financially.

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RE: Relocation - 4/1/2012 6:55:06 AM

Baroana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I made the decision to move to CA from the east coast. However, I did it having a job and my own place. The relationship only lasted a few months after moving here because like a lot of other people have found, the dynamic changed with the geography. Regardless, I had moved to a place that I liked and could actually thrive financially.

I agree with this way of doing it, and I did something kind of similar myself. Making a change and having an adventure is fine in my view. Just don't gamble everything on the relationship working out.

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Post #: 16

RE: Relocation - 4/2/2012 2:20:46 PM

Azanthis

Posts: 12
Joined: 3/7/2012
Status: offline

These are some really awesome responses, thank you everyone. I can definitely see more of the technicalities that might go into making this decision.

A couple of you mentioned that you relocated from coast to coast, or as kitkat said moving to an entirely new country. Do you feel that that made more of a difference than perhaps moving to another city in the same state, or only a few hours away?

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Post #: 17

RE: Relocation - 4/2/2012 11:33:10 PM

LafayetteLady

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From: Northern New Jersey
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Definately. If you have family in the city you currently are in, a couple hours means you can still visit with some regularity, coast to coast, not so much.

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Post #: 18

RE: Relocation - 4/3/2012 12:24:21 AM

tng

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Joined: 6/28/2007
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No I haven't and I doubt I would. I'm quite happy with my current situation.

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RE: Relocation - 4/3/2012 12:24:33 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

This is not exactly what you asked, but my dominant relocated from Canada to marry me and live with me here. We discussed both possibilities, but he made the decision based on a number of factors, mainly, how much stress would be involved for me to move to him; I would have had to sell my house, and he also did not want to pull me away from my support system. So he is here, and it is going great.

Aha! Nice to be reminded that it isn't necessarily the sub that should do the relocating...

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Post #: 20

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