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Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 11:02:39 AM   
MyCaptainsPet


Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		How many of the subs here really understand their submission?

i'm one  that must always question myself. i need to understand things and know what makes them tick. But, i've realized i don't understand who i am or what it is that makes me tick as a person, never mind what my submissiveness is!

Telling me to just go with the flow and just feel comfortable with myself isn't really the answer... because without a general understanding of myself i can't get comfortable.

Where do i begin?


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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 11:08:41 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You've already begun.

I don't know how to answer "how much" I understand myself becuase it's not only NOT really a substance to be quantified, and the substance itself changes.

Who I am now and what my submission means to me is NOT the same as it will be in 5 years.

I can say I know myself pretty well, more than most people know themselves, specially for my age, and that I continue to be completely blindsided and amazed at my lack of understanding.

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 11:34:31 AM   
pinkee


Posts: 487
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MyCaptainsPet

How many of the subs here really understand their submission?

i'm one  that must always question myself. i need to understand things and know what makes them tick. But, i've realized i don't understand who i am or what it is that makes me tick as a person, never mind what my submissiveness is!

Telling me to just go with the flow and just feel comfortable with myself isn't really the answer... because without a general understanding of myself i can't get comfortable.

Where do i begin?



Read, reflect, perhaps keep a journal.  Castle Realm has an extensive library, and there are other good sites.  Sounds as if you are not even certain you are truely submissive.
 
pinkee

< Message edited by pinkee -- 6/4/2006 11:35:21 AM >

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 12:24:06 PM   
MyCaptainsPet


Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		i'm not questioning if i'm submissive, that much i know to be true...

i guess i just don't understand myself or what's going on mentally right now..


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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 12:26:03 PM   
MyCaptainsPet


Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		Do you really know what makes you tick?  Why you react the way you do? What makes you do some of the things you do and how you think the way  you do?

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 12:37:56 PM   
Sab


Posts: 325
Joined: 5/2/2006
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MyCaptainsPet

Do you really know what makes you tick?  Why you react the way you do? What makes you do some of the things you do and how you think the way  you do?



Are you a trained/taught submissive? Did you understand the way you thought about your submissiveness before you 'became' submissive? I know that really won't help you in your quest for answers - I am Dominant to my submissive and I don't know how the submissive mind works - all I do know about it is that she found her 'lable' when she first read places like here and CastleRealm (which you really should read, it is excellent reading!) - I hope you can find some of your answers, but mostly I hope you can find who you are - that is what is most important.


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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 12:48:02 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MyCaptainsPet

How many of the subs here really understand their submission?

i'm one  that must always question myself. i need to understand things and know what makes them tick. But, i've realized i don't understand who i am or what it is that makes me tick as a person, never mind what my submissiveness is!

Telling me to just go with the flow and just feel comfortable with myself isn't really the answer... because without a general understanding of myself i can't get comfortable.

Where do i begin?



I know exactly what my submission is and means to me.  But I didnt know when I had my first experience.  It was through different experiences (even the bad ones) that I evolved and came full circle to the understanding that I have of it now.  I still question things and have so much more to experience and uncover.  Its a never-ending learning process. It is very normal to question different aspects of it. Alot of women who consider themselves subs/slaves still question things and are always growing and taking things possibly further than they ever imagined.  Dont expect to have all the answers right away.  Its like asking a newlywed what marriage is *really* like.  You just have to have the experience and find out what it is for *you*, since everyone defines it a bit differently.  Avoid questioning yourself about whether or not you are a *true* sub.  There is no one definition that is ever going to matter to you, except your own...and your Masters of course.
 
Im sure some will beg to differ with me...but Castle realm is crock of crap. It paints Ds to be an unrealistic, sugar coated, romance-novel illusion.  Its like telling someone to go watch the Brady Bunch to find out how real step- families live. Its bullshit. Hang out with real people and get some experience with those you trust.  Just be really really careful...I know the play aspect of it can be very alluring and exciting, but  dont get behind a locked door with anyone until you feel safe.  Trust yourself. You already know more than you realize.

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 1:26:23 PM   
MyCaptainsPet


Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		No, i am not a "trained" submissive... i am what my C calls a natural one.

i read Castle Realm long before i came to Collar me.



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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 1:31:09 PM   
MyCaptainsPet


Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		The play aspect holds no appeal for me, as i am not a pain slut NOR do i enjoy pain for any reason.... i am collared and will not wander outside of our relationship without him by my side and giving directions anyway.

i am not questioning if i am a true sub, because i know i am... that is not a doubt i am dealing with...

i guess i'm just on a road to self discovery right now that i need to figure out what makes me tick and who i am... i know i am submissive.. i know that role. 

i'm sorry.... i know i'm not making any sense... i guess that's part of my problem right now...


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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 1:48:54 PM   
zumala


Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline 		Deep question.  I'm actually heading toward an inner search of my own.  After losing a recent job due to lack of self-confidence (yes, the boss actually told me that was THE reason.  my personality and intelligence were both recognized and deemed as good), my hubby mentioned that I may want to look back into my past to see WHY I lack self-confidence.  The idea of trying to change seems daunting, and before I even -can- change I have to examine and understand.  Not an easy thing to do and I'm a little nervous about it.  However... I have to admit that if it's possible to unlock a door or break down a barrier and find myself competent and sure... wow.  Wouldn't that be nice?  I'd be worth more to myself then.
 
Okay... now -I'm- saying weird things and probably not making sense.  Must be contageous.    I guess what I'm doing is trying to sympathize and encourage you, CaptainsPet.
 
zuma

< Message edited by zumala -- 6/4/2006 1:50:02 PM >

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 1:49:05 PM   
lisa1978


Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline 		I have had the fortune or miss-fortune to be in a M/s relationship as an adult before having a regular relationship. This allowed me to reflect who I am, and what makes me happy and fulfilled.

I really did not come to full understanding until I was in the last stages of my marriage. When I was a slave before, I was happy, but really did not do any deep self reflection. It was not until I was unhappy in my life and searching and struggling within me that my understanding and acceptance of who I was became apparent.

For me the difficulty in truly understanding my submissiveness rested on my struggle with societies standards and coming to grips that they do not work for me. Once I freed myself of a lot of the guilt or shame my understanding and acceptance of what I am flowed easily. Every day is still a work in process.

I am different, not special in any way, just different and that is a good and a healthy thing.


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It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 2:39:31 PM   
sweetsubie


Posts: 82
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		i cant say im in the same situation because iv always been the type to analyse myself and make sure i know myself very well and what makes me do what i do, so i think it may be a matter of sitting down and having a long think to yourself, some times getting to you yourself just takes a little time to think and get around your own head. i hope that has helped in some way,
be well.

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 2:39:34 PM   
MyCaptainsPet


Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		Yes, a lack of self confidance is one huge issue with me... 

One of the biggest things i'm fighting to understand right now is why with some people, their dominant personalities drive me insane and i want to fight against them, but yet others can make me calm and comfortable and quiet...  i get a huge back bone with some people.. actually  will fight them tooth and nail about anything and everything... Others, it feels as tho their dominant personalities are putting me in a cage, one that they poke sticks at me thru... and yet others, like my C, i just want to curl up in a ball at his feet and purr for...


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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 2:41:44 PM   
MyCaptainsPet


Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		On your path of self discovery, how did you come to grips with the fact that you are not like what society says is the "norm"?

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 2:45:32 PM   
MyCaptainsPet


Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		My C tells me i over analyze everything, and i know that i do... i can take the simplest of things and make them into huge issues.. Some day i hope to realize that a duck is just a duck and not a monster in a duck costume.

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 4:00:06 PM   
leakylee


Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		Thinking is good and not good sometimes. I have always alwasys looked inwards. It is something that I have to do, a luxury I cant do without. It maybe that you have just come to a point in your life that you are ready to journey inwards. That being anti-normal is ok. The philoophical  portion of ourselves helps defines who and what we are. It almost becomes a matter of determining who you are by your standards and measurements. Maybe a time to let oudated social taboos flow off. I know for myself. I went through the attributes of my upbringing. What portions did I consider still applicable to myself? What portions were still causing to much internal conflict and weighing me down? It really is an on going process. We all continue to grow and change. Looking inwards is something that some people are not capable of doing. But seeing the need and having the desire is the first step. I think maybe you are just discovering you. Boy I hope I am not to far off base.

love and light
lee


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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 4:17:29 PM   
lisa1978


Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline 		Over coming society's standards was very difficult for me and I had some huge advantages in that area to begin with!

For me the personal and sexual issues were also compounding by academic and work that all tied into one another to cause me to lose my indentity. I was a big brain in school and all adults including my parents who understood my submissive personality still always pushed me to have a high powered career with the bigger is better philosophy. This help cloud my understanding and acceptance of being a slave. It was not until I was miserable in my job and marriage where I consciously took a stand to do things specifically that I wanted and not what people told me I should want.

I ended up getting a divorce and changing jobs to a smaller more family type place than cut throat big corporation. This help greatly reduce my stress and gave me my self-confidence back to explore my sexual and slave needs that were out of society's norms.

Overthinking is not a good thing, but so is underthinking and why life sometimes feels like a cosmic joke. My parents have always lived by a philosophy that I have been trying to live by. My Dad likes to say; No harm no problem. So I have tried when I have gone into areas where my brain says I should feel guilty or ashamed to try to keep my analysis simple. Did I enjoy it? Was anybody hurt by it?

I also made a very concerted effort to ignore all negative, insulting and any behind my back talk. Not that easy but I get better and better at it the older I get.

I would say it will be tough to stop over thinking and I would never give someone advice of just blindly leap either. I would suggest coming up with some standard questions you can ask yourself so when you think about things it can be more focused and positive.




_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 5:01:47 PM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

...  I still question things and have so much more to experience and uncover.  Its a never-ending learning process. It is very normal to question different aspects of it. Alot of women who consider themselves subs/slaves still question things and are always growing and taking things possibly further than they ever imagined.  Dont expect to have all the answers right away. 
 
...Avoid questioning yourself about whether or not you are a *true* sub.  There is no one definition that is ever going to matter to you, except your own...and your Masters of course.
 
Im sure some will beg to differ with me...but Castle realm is crock of crap. It paints Ds to be an unrealistic, sugar coated, romance-novel illusion.  Its like telling someone to go watch the Brady Bunch to find out how real step- families live. Its bullshit.
 
Hang out with real people and get some experience with those you trust.  Just be really really careful...I know the play aspect of it can be very alluring and exciting, but  dont get behind a locked door with anyone until you feel safe.  Trust yourself. You already know more than you realize.


^5s marie...  I couldn't agree more!  Good job!

I believe self-reflection (questioning self?) is a good, normal, ongoing activity.  Else, how do we grow?

Yes, much of CastleRealm is rather 'romantic'...read other books about various aspects of BDSM and this lifestyle; I have a good list, if you need one.  Better than that...do as marie suggested; get out there and MEET PEOPLE; go to munches and stuff...REAL is much better than on-line!

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 6:30:21 PM   
champagnewishes


Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline 		If its one thing i will go to my grave with, it is a full understanding of myself.  I make it a point to know.  Not an overwhelming task, although it may seem so when starting out.  You will find a common denominator that is underlying to many aspects of your life.  I sought counseling on things i didn't understand...and now that i think about it, that was probably what furthered a deeper understanding of myself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyCaptainsPet

On your path of self discovery, how did you come to grips with the fact that you are not like what society says is the "norm"?


I never compared myself to anyone or tried to label what i was.  Self discovery is all about "YOU".  A journey of discovery only requires that once you discover something about yourself, you either accept it or take steps to change it.

quote:


My C tells me i over analyze everything, and i know that i do... i can take the simplest of things and make them into huge issues.. Some day i hope to realize that a duck is just a duck and not a monster in a duck costume.


I am guilty of this as well.  I don't necessarily think its a bad thing...but i am working on easing off some of the time.

edited to add...a useful tool that a councelor had me do was to keep a log book where i wrote down things that happened each day, how i responded, how it made me feel and why it made me feel that way 

< Message edited by champagnewishes -- 6/4/2006 6:43:14 PM >

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RE: Understanding your submission? - 6/4/2006 9:09:32 PM   
ArchangelMichael


Posts: 243
Joined: 8/21/2004
From: New Orleans, LA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MyCaptainsPet

My C tells me i over analyze everything, and i know that i do... i can take the simplest of things and make them into huge issues.. Some day i hope to realize that a duck is just a duck and not a monster in a duck costume.


I tend to do that, too. And it's something that's cost me relationships and potential relationships. How does he handle it with you, if you don't mind me asking?


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"Open up your mind; Let your fantasies unwind." -The Phantom, Phantom of the Opera

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -Toulouse-Lautrec, Moulin Rouge

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