Where are the boundary lines? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

oregongirl -> Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 3:16:39 PM)

I have been involved with a dom completely online for over a year. I have been collared and re-collared to him 3 times. I just tossed off his collar today.

1. Are some masters simply not interested in sexual online intimacy via cam? If not, why?
2. And if that dom is requesting me to sleep naked, take my bra off after work, and to have my cam on immediately after work so he can view me, why is he not responding to me with something sensual, like "please get naked I want to see you" type of thing?
3. We do have some history so I do have strong romantic feelings for him and he has expressed the same thing back, but each time we collared, I have found out that oh joy, more news, he's got two other subs and just today found out he's "mentoring" a young girl who is married. Yeah, right. (please don't hit me for my ignoring the red flags). He says he answered her questions and that was it, and it doesn't mean that mentoring is sexual. Well, excuse me, but this same gal 23 years old, is mentoring another person, and she shares the same freaking dark sided stuff like "I love dark-themed RPs mostly. I don't do straight modern, I will do modern/fantasy, medieval fantasy, demons, vampires, insane asylums, and any other ideas we can both come up with" <<<her words.
4. I thought master/sub relationships were to be mutually honest, and when I questioned him about seeing his username as Mentoring so and so, he said, "that's all I'm doing, answering questions". Well, I told him , then let's revise our relationship to mentoring. He said, no because I agreed to his rules. I threw off his collar because lied me at least 5 times since 1 year of knowing him. OK, call me a fool. He has 2 other subs also and they have open relationships, but he will not proudly state that he was Master of me anywhere on any site. I know for a fact he's not married so that's not the issue. The issue is we have history and we got into it after I found out he had two subs a few months ago (they have been collared for 2 years plus) and he never told me and told me he was in love with me, OMG, I feel like throwing up.
5. I simply do not know how to discern sincerity vs. BS. He told me I am exaggerating and that what he does for his enjoyment or "friending" someone is no concern of mine. Oh wow, ok, um, I thought that I would like to know what my master is doing?
6. How can I avoid these mistakes as I am learning>
7. One more thing...I have never had a real time dom or master. And the master I just disconnected with (online only) has a disablity where he cannot walk and there would be no chance of meeting up because he needs extra medical care. However, we had this unusual Master/sub relationship in that he wanted to help me get my life in order, i.e., stop procrastinating, de-clutter my room, do my work search, do my physical exercises, meet more women (cuz I have a tendency to over do with male attention) and other things to improve my life.

All sounds good, right? But we have this freaking history, but he says "I'm the only one that knows you like I do and you will NEVER find someone that will treat you as well as me, you may just find yourself in trouble, bound up and raped one of these days and I won't release you until I feel you are ready for your own safety". Well, ha, he's gone out of my life for the last time. I won't do that game of collar, re-collar anymore. I really thought what we had agreed upon with written documents and rules and such was a noble thing for help me to get motivated to move forward, for I have slumped into a bit of depression and neglecting my obligations. But his excuse always was "Oh Yahoo IM kicked me off again" or "Sorry, family dropped by", or "Sorry, but had a doc appt" and like 10 other excuses out of his hat to say why he can't be available for me. I mean my cam was on like he said, but no master around? Ha!

I just want an honest relationship with someone that does not have to be wireless all the time and I want mentorship, but even then, who knows who I will get right?

Whatcha think?



kitkat105 -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 3:53:58 PM)

Seems all a bit much for something that is strictly online. On again, off again is no good in real life, so there's no point even trying when someone who is online doesn't have to be honest with you.

My best advice would be to ditch him, move on and find someone who is willing & committed to you.



littlewonder -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 4:50:44 PM)

uuummm....it's online. You're both living in a fantasyworld. He sees it as a game as most people do who are camming/online.

If you want something more ask him to take it offline. If he makes excuses then there's your answer.

If you don't want to move it offline then don't expect many to take you seriously.



oregongirl -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 4:54:14 PM)

Excuse me, but he lives in NJ and I live in OR. How much more can we can things offline? We do everything on Yahoo IM.



Endivius -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 4:55:48 PM)

meet half way, in the middle, in a public place and go for coffee. Grey hound has great deals. Stop making excuses.



Madame4a -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 5:00:51 PM)

my reaction to each of your questions and statements is... its online... not to say these things don't happen offline.. but your situation strikes me as all about theonline experience...

if you can find someone in NJ.. you can likely find someone in OR if you turn off your computer and get some face to face time with people

quote:

ORIGINAL: oregongirl

Excuse me, but he lives in NJ and I live in OR. How much more can we can things offline? We do everything on Yahoo IM.




oregongirl -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 5:14:23 PM)

Sorry for not addressing each individual here, but I am broke and I cannot afford a Greyhound ticket, and he's been in a nursing home for 5 years plus, due to spina bifada.

Yeah, I think online collarship is going to be out of the question for me. Or even online Dom/sub relationship. Looking for a monogamous relationship, and this guy is saying I'm not ready because of my past history of mistakes. Well, he certainly has his made his mistakes too (sorry for venting again) and I am hurting, I imagine you can tell. He does have some redeeming qualities, composed an Excel worksheet for me to do my scheduled to-do tasks, advised me on streamlining my emails so I don't feel so overwhelmed, has done many things to help me to use tools to help m in my personal life. I get that and appreciate his help. I just don't get the lying and un-availability.

Ok, lesson learned. I was hoping we could remain friends, because he seems to be a great one, but I don't think he is willing. Would hate to lose his input and even advice (with me taking into consideration of what I want) but ya know this collarship thing, anyone needs to make damn sure what they are headed into, and we did that, we did like 10 emails back and forth about rules and guildlines, but then soon as I belonged to Him, it seemed like he was not really that into me. Yes, he could make it to the keyboard when he could, but then all these other lies about him "mentoring" another girl" and he said it was none of my business.

All I am trying to do now is salvage our friendship for I do care about him, but he's not the right master for me. I just want to know if I can find a Mentor -- male or female -- that can help me to weed out the players and help me to trust my instincts and judgments. Damn, I will miss him. But what am I missing? The idea of being in love? Yeah, that's it. Got to get over this magical thinking. He says "no one will understand you better than I do and you will fall back again". Well, then that will be my lessons.



DarkSteven -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 5:27:43 PM)

1. Some Doms want RL, not online.
2. He does what he wants. If that's not what YOU want, speak to him.
3. You have jealousy issues. I'm not saying they're not justified, but I'd recommend you steer clear of poly for a while.
4. Healthy D/s relationships are honest. But D/s relationships are no more honest than vanilla ones.
5. He's poly, you're mono.
6. I'm sorry but the way to avoid mistakes is experience, and experience comes with mistakes.
7. Bullshit about never getting anyone as good as him. That said, there ARE practices you can follow to be safe. I recommend munches and groups as one of them.



oregongirl -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 5:35:31 PM)

DarkSteven,

He's never had anything but collarship or d/s relationships other than online, for he is bedridden. He is paralyzed from waist down.
I have spoken to him about what I do not like, and he sometimes he will say, "ok, hun if you are feeling sick today, we can call it a night". Other times, will say, "YOU KNOW THE RULES" and ask me to strip on cam.

I agree, I do have jealosy issues, got a good link so I can build a good self-confidence and do away with my jealosoies?

Sorry for the typos, but about to eat now!

I want to learn my way that is true for me and know what I am, who I am and what I am looking for. I have a pretty good idea of the qualities of a man I'm looking for and my hard limits, but geez, the rest is so confusing. Maybe I should just register for a regular vanilla account and then if I find that I am attracted to someone, take it to the next level (email) and then talk about more stuff, especially about personality.

Anyway, thanks



littlewonder -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 6:29:57 PM)

sounds more to me like you're looking for someone that will help you organize your chaotic life. Instead of looking for a Dom to do that why not join an organizing group online or look at organizing websites that can help you do that?

If you're looking for friends, then get out and meet people where you live.

If you're looking for a long term relationship then I'm sure you can find someone near where you live if you have no desire to travel or move, unless you can find someone willing to move to you.

Personally though it sounds like you need to get your own life in order first before anything else.



oregongirl -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 6:35:52 PM)

littlewonder,

Thank you for your response. Not sure where to look to help me with motivation to help organize my life. Have any suggestions? Yeah, don't need a dom, just need a good friend, maybe retired that has a lot of time on their hands.

As far as meeting new friends, um, where? I am hardly making it financially. Just to get in my car, it take gas and here it is over $4.00 per gallon. Not making excuses, but hopefully by warmer time comes I can ride my bike.

Yeah, you're right, need to get my own life in order before I jump into anything right now, you are right. OK, thanks for your input. I will work on this.



angelikaJ -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 6:46:28 PM)

You asked another question regarding camming that made it sound as if you were brand new and clueless.
I didn't get the impression from that thread that you were seriously involved.

Putting that aside:
"... he says "I'm the only one that knows you like I do and you will NEVER find someone that will treat you as well as me, you may just find yourself in trouble, bound up and raped one of these days and I won't release you until I feel you are ready for your own safety"."

That is emotional blackmail and BS besides.
He is trying to come off as one of those mysterious all knowing magical masters.
I-know-you-better-than-you-know-yourself guys.

Get out of your house.
Go to a munch or an event

Being a submissive who is mastered by someone really does mean you will probably need to leave the house on occasion.



littlewonder -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 6:52:19 PM)

either look into your insurance to help pay for a therapist or there are websites online that help with organizing. Some people like flylady.com but there are tons of them online. Just google organizing.

As for friends, find a hobby and find groups that enjoy the same things. There's always meetup.com, or looking in your local newspaper for groups or ask around at work. If you're looking for bdsm friends then go to fetlife.com where they have listings for local munches and parties.




poise -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 7:03:17 PM)

I agree with littlewonder. You should not be trading cam sessions with strange
men for their help in getting you to organize your own life. He may have been
good at Excel spread sheets, and maybe he helped you with structuring your
daily tasks, but look at what a mess you are emotionally.
Heck, there are plenty of free online tutorials where you can learn Excel
yourself, and which could be added as another skill to your resume.

There is a recent thread here regarding an online site that is aimed
at motivation and organization, and it's free and user friendly.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_4073341/tm.htm

There are good men out there. Stop settling on the good enough ones
simply because they call themselves a Dominant. You deserve better.



oregongirl -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 7:05:22 PM)

angel and littlewonder, thank you for good advice. I can and will take your advice. I can only do what money I have, but yes, I have been to some meetup.com get togethers. Here in Oregon, it has been nothing but rain, but looking forward to the warmer weather when more walks are planned outdoors and hikes.

My former master only made that remark, ""I'm the only one that knows you like I do and you will NEVER find someone that will treat you as well as me, you may just find yourself in trouble, bound up and raped one of these days and I won't release you until I feel you are ready for your own safety". because i told him I went to a motel to do a photoshoot with a well trusted friend from FL to get tied up and get some great shots of me. Geez, I trust the photographer more than my former master. I even asked 3 other women who he shot for references before I went there and had numerous conversations with him and met him in person beforehand. He does mostly 95% weddings and other events and the other percent, he does like to shoot a damsel in distress and being that I am liking that kind of thing, so what, it's my fetish and I am entitled to act on it if it's safely thought out beforehand. Had a safe call and told a friend exact location where I was at. It was a wonderful experience, and I would recommend him to anyone who wants to get great pics. He also does shoots for aspiring models. Ok, he probably gets turned on by looking, but he did not lay a hand on me.

Anyway, yep, I do have the Oregon Health Plan, and maybe it's time to look into some counseling for my low self esteem and then use my other resources to get out into my own community. I am in no rush. I just wanted some opinions here and I got them. Thanks for not beating me over the head because of my poor judgment about this one guy.



oregongirl -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 7:12:15 PM)

poise! that link you gave me was meant for me to see! I have not read all 3 pages yet, but I will :) I will save my email notification so I can return to this and read it when I am feeling more clear headed and extract some of the great tips for me into a document I will call Organizing. You are a gem. Thank you and Hugs!



Pballer123 -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 8:00:27 PM)

I am kink of fuzzy on a couple of details. You knew that this woould always be an online relationship. Did you ever ask him before if he had any other women besides you? Did you demand that he chat exclusively with you and no one else? this is a man that is stuck 24/7 in a home with nothing realy to do than be on the computer. Chatting on the internet is his life. Do you think he is sitting there in suspended animation all day till you get home each day? He needs something to do all day and you will never be there for him 24/7 or as you made it clear that you will never be there for him physically. Now if he came right out and said that he was not master with others that is one thing but be careful what you read into his messaging.

I recently met a lady online on this site and after a week of chatting she asked me if there was any chance for the 2 of us. I told her that i had also been chatting with another woman online but it was just chatting to pass the time. She blew up because she took it that I was cheating on her. Hell we just met, and only online!

Unless he came straight out and told you that you were his only sub, be careful about who is being honest with who. You keep taking off your collar, sounds like a bit of commitment problem on your part.



oregongirl -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 8:09:13 PM)

Pb, I realize my poor judgments about this whole ordeal. I simply came here because I don't want to repeat the same mistakes and if you were to re-read my initial post, you would see my questions. I wondered if it is normal for a Dom who offered me his collar and we set down the ground rules which I did agree upon, based upon Him telling me that he was in love with me and also wanted to help me in my personal life and protect me, is it normal for him to NOT be available for me or even ask me to strip or be naked sometimes or mention anything about my body if I was naked, as if he was not interested after he collared me. Sort of like when two people get married and all the lust wears off after a period of time. I think maybe he got cold feet and was afraid of being discovered again. But then again, I am the common denominator in this situation so lesson well learned. We all make mistakes and I hope I do not become overly cautious because I do want my heart to be open for my future partner.

Maybe i am afraid of commitment, especially after this experience.

Anyhow I think I've got enough now to know what I am to do, thanks for your input.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/5/2012 10:30:37 PM)

When angelikaJ mentioned it, I remembered your previous post.  Interesting that you hadn't mentioned you were already in a relationship with someone for a year while asking questions about how someone you "just starting speaking with" was asking you to cam.

quote:


3. We do have some history so I do have strong romantic feelings for him and he has expressed the same thing back, but each time we collared, I have found out that oh joy, more news, he's got two other subs and just today found out he's "mentoring" a young girl who is married. Yeah, right


No talking about red flags, but you are developing "strong romantic feelings" for someone you never, and would never meet in person.  How exactly do you feel justified in being pissed off that he talks to other people?


quote:


....However, we had this unusual Master/sub relationship in that he wanted to help me get my life in order, i.e., stop procrastinating, de-clutter my room, do my work search, do my physical exercises, meet more women (cuz I have a tendency to over do with male attention) and other things to improve my life.


It is not a Dom's responsibility to "get your life in order."  It's no one's responsibility but yours.  Looking for someone to straighten out the problems in your life is the thought process of someone who is very young and immature.  If I remember correctly, you are in your late 30s/40s.  You haven't developed a clue yet how to take responsibility for your own life?  Sure it happens, but looking for a partner mainly for the purpose of doing this is ridiculous.

quote:



He's never had anything but collarship or d/s relationships other than online, for he is bedridden. He is paralyzed from waist down.


This would be something he had been dealing with all of his life.  Being paralyzed from the waist down makes someone wheelchair bound, not bedridden.

quote:


because i told him I went to a motel to do a photoshoot with a well trusted friend from FL to get tied up and get some great shots of me. Geez, I trust the photographer more than my former master. I even asked 3 other women who he shot for references before I went there and had numerous conversations with him and met him in person beforehand. He does mostly 95% weddings and other events and the other percent, he does like to shoot a damsel in distress and being that I am liking that kind of thing, so what, it's my fetish and I am entitled to act on it if it's safely thought out beforehand.


I'm unclear whether or not you paid this guy to take your picture.  If you did, you seriously need to STFU about your finances because if you can't afford gas in your car, you certainly shouldn't be spending money for professional kink photographs.  If he didn't charge you, didn't pay you and this was something you did for your personal enjoyment, then whatever.

Honestly, you seem incredibly manic based on your posts and you might want to see a therapist about the possibility of you being bi-polar.  You show a lot of symptoms based on your posts and you saying you have trouble keeping your life in order.  At this point, you really aren't in a position to be in a relationship as you have some personal issues you should deal with first.

Do what is necessary to get YOUR life in order YOURSELF, then you will be in a better position to look for someone to share your life with.



JeffBC -> RE: Where are the boundary lines? (4/6/2012 2:59:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise
He may have been good at Excel spread sheets, and maybe he helped you with structuring your
daily tasks, but look at what a mess you are emotionally.

Heck, I was asked to help someone with similar stuff. I didn't ask for or want cam sessions. What's that got to do with daily tasks? And, in a perfect world, I'd like to believe she is at least as good emotionally now as she was before.

I can understand a sub personality wanting a dom to do a bit of life coaching. But clearly the OP's relationship goes well beyond that.

@oregongirl
I don't have any real advice for you here. What I can tell you as a guy who thinks of himself as owning the woman he lives with is that much of what you wrote seems... odd. It doesn't sound to me like the kind of issues I deal with. It doesn't sound like the kind of thought patterns I have. Many of the remarks you indicate he said I would've died before saying. His general thought patterns sound like someone who has never actually dealt with the reality of being completely in charge of and responsible for another human being... at least any reality that I have experienced.

Make of that what you will.



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875