Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Moving on?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Moving on? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Moving on? - 4/7/2012 1:23:30 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShyCheshire

In many respects, yes, you are correct in that I had certain fantasies about where our D/s relationship was headed. We had talked a lot about things we both wanted to do and try, including vanilla things, to get to know one another better. I guess I am more upset about the abruptness of his decision. I had no indications that anything was wrong, or that he was not developing feelings for me (or even the potential for feelings, enough to try long distance, etc). Again, yes, lots of complications with that, and lots of potential to get hurt. But I was willing to do that anyway. I cared for him without reservations; it's in my nature to be that way. I am trying to rationalize the feeling of being under consideration for a collar one moment, and then being told it was over the next. I wasn't even told until after he decided to accept the job and leave. I wish I could be mad or hate him or something, but I just don't. I understand why he made his choice, I'm trying to figure out how to get past the intensity of what we had.


It sounds to me like you're stinging from rejection, but not all of it substantiated. He did not end it because anything was wrong, he simply made wor his priority, which is a reasonable and understandable thing to do. He did not want you to move with him because he barely knows you and vice-versa, to accept your offer of going with him would be a massively irresponsible thing to do. You've only known each other a month!

You don't need to get over him all at once. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, it's what you do with that feeling, and how you let that feeling affect you that's important. Don't beat yourself up over it. You need to remind yourself and understand that it was not your fault, and that his choice was choosing the career over the lifestyle, and not over you. Take a deep breath, know that you are lovable and deserving and take it one day at a time. It's no different from dating and vanilla breakups.


(in reply to ShyCheshire)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Moving on? - 4/7/2012 1:28:22 PM   
ShyCheshire


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/13/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks everyone. A lot of you are absolutely right, I was being so immature posting this, and now, just a few hours later, I'm pretty embarassed. Yes, it really hurts, but I'm taking this WAY too hard. He has a life, and so do I. I needed a swift kick in the tail, and got it here. I can't get all the details of what we had here, or the whole thing would make more sense, but all I would say is please don't be mean to him. He's a great person, and I'm sure he's much better suited for someone else. So with all that said, I'm going to go work on being a stronger person :)

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Moving on? - 4/7/2012 1:37:23 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		This is a paragraph clipped out of HisPet21's post that *really* resonates with me:

quote:

Obviously, it wasn't in his nature to care without reservations, so the two of you are incompatible. Furthermore, you may want to try changing this aspect of your personality. You are setting yourself up to be preyed upon by dangerous persons, and to be hurt in the future. Think about it. You're devastated by the loss of a one month relationship. You were willing to give up your entire life, as it stands, to move in with him. It would be easy for a clever, manipulative man, to harm and control you. And if you don't work on rationalizing your emotions more, you are setting yourself up to become nonfunctional if, god forbid, a man ever broke up with you are six months or a year of dating.


Based on the OP's posts, she did not have what is called a reciprocal level of commitment with this individual. She was highly invested in the relationship and is devastated by her loss. (That she got so deeply invested in a month is another issue, possibly some strong sub frenzy, it does happen.) But she was clearly much more invested than him. How do I know this? She called him Master after a few conversations, and yet she was not *really* his slave, she was "under consideration."

She rushed into a dynamic with someone she only *thought* she knew. And yeah yeah yeah, great physical and mental connection, blah blah I know this part because I have been through it (though admittedly I did not rush in, quite the contrary, but I did have much more invested than he did. Those who know the whole story know I can not deny that.)

And to me that is the big issue. And it's so easy to do when you start calling someone "Master" after a few conversations. How many times have we heard OP's on here claim they can't question their "Master" in any way? One didn't even know his real name for pity's sake.

New and/or less emotionally stable or mature s-types really do need to learn how to guard themselves, not just from predators, but from your basic garden variety user as well. The only way to really do that is to know your own worth.

In my opinion (never humble) therapy is in order.

_____________________________



(in reply to HisPet21)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Moving on? - 4/7/2012 1:51:31 PM   
aromanholiday


Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShyCheshire

Thanks everyone. A lot of you are absolutely right, I was being so immature posting this, and now, just a few hours later, I'm pretty embarassed. Yes, it really hurts, but I'm taking this WAY too hard. He has a life, and so do I. I needed a swift kick in the tail, and got it here. I can't get all the details of what we had here, or the whole thing would make more sense, but all I would say is please don't be mean to him. He's a great person, and I'm sure he's much better suited for someone else. So with all that said, I'm going to go work on being a stronger person :)


I don't think you were being immature at all. You were/are in a lot of pain and looking for help with it. I feel so sorry this happened to you. :-( It's an awful way for a first experience to begin, especially to somebody who seems as decent and intelligent as you. I understand about jumping in and giving your all. I do that, too. I've done it with every D/s (well, for me it's M/s) relationship I've had. Twice it has worked out magnificently (so don't let anybody fool you that reserving yourself/holding back HAS to be done--my experience directly contradicts this) and once it did not. It was the time "in the middle" when I got taken for a two year ride by a long-distance master who had no intention of making the contact physical and real despite what he claimed. But even after that experience, I saw no point whatsoever in not giving everything I had and trusting completely in the next relationship I established. Doing this has worked out splendidly for me, whereas a sour, cynical, cautious hold-back-stuff attitude might have blown things with the magnificent man I finally met. This time I found someone who was as serious about finding a slave as I was with being owned, and so I dove into his world, completely. It's been over 18 months now--and I haven't regretted my choice yet. :-)

I wish you the best of luck in the future. I just wanted to say that I don't believe you need to change a thing about yourself: you are doing great. Lots of bad things happen in life, but I'm sorry that you had to experience one of these zingers when you are so relatively young. I hope it doesn't hurt for a long time, but it probably will. :-( I've found that starting to talk to new people right away really helped me when I decided to move on from the 2-year mistake. I didn't meet anyone appropriate right away, but at least it distracted me, got my mind off him for a time. And eventually, after a good number of months, I thought about him less and less, pined for his company less and less, and started thinking about an exciting new person I had met whose ideas about masters and slaves were a perfect fit with my own. I hope something similar will happen to you.

_____________________________

"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"

My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.

(in reply to ShyCheshire)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Moving on? - 4/7/2012 2:31:54 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aromanholiday


But even after that experience, I saw no point whatsoever in not giving everything I had and trusting completely in the next relationship I established. Doing this has worked out splendidly for me, whereas a sour, cynical, cautious hold-back-stuff attitude might have blown things with the magnificent man I finally met.



Holding back and being personally wise and accountable doesn't have to be sour, cynical or to cautious and any person that doesn't allow for someone to hold back and expects them to jump in and give their all in a month, has rocks in their head and wood in their pants.

If one is to jump in and I have... that person should be able to handle what comes of jumping in, good or bad. If they are going to fall apart because they did maybe they should consider not jumping in. Jump in... deal with it, don't fall apart, don't blame anyone... just deal. Someone falling apart over a month long jump in relationship has some personal issues to work on in my opinion. That is the key aspect here. Not the jumping in.

Don't do what you can't handle doing. That is wise. Jumping in and falling apart when it doesn't work out.. isn't wise. You may call being cautious with your emotional self, cynical, etc... but being cautious doesn't have to be any of those things you said. One can cautiously jump in... temper things and still be all in.


< Message edited by Lockit -- 4/7/2012 2:33:16 PM >

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to aromanholiday)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Moving on? - 4/7/2012 2:34:40 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

quote:

ORIGINAL: aromanholiday


But even after that experience, I saw no point whatsoever in not giving everything I had and trusting completely in the next relationship I established. Doing this has worked out splendidly for me, whereas a sour, cynical, cautious hold-back-stuff attitude might have blown things with the magnificent man I finally met.



Holding back and being personally wise and accountable doesn't have to be sour, cynical or to cautious and any person that doesn't allow for someone to hold back and expects them to jump in and give their all in a month, has rocks in their head and wood in their pants.

If one is to jump in and I have... that person should be able to handle what comes of jumping in, good or bad. If they are going to fall apart because they did maybe they should consider not jumping in. Jump in... deal with it, don't fall apart, don't blame anyone... just deal. Someone falling apart over a month long jump in relationship has some personal issues to work on in my opinion. That is the key aspect here. Not the jumping in.

Don't do what you can't handle doing. That is wise. Jumping in and falling apart when it doesn't work out.. isn't wise. You may call being cautious with your emotional self, cynical, etc... but being cautious doesn't have to be any of those things you said. One can cautiously jump in... temper things and still be all in.



Reasons to just fucking looooove Ms Lockit.


_____________________________



(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Moving on? - 4/7/2012 3:04:26 PM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline
I think a lot of this had to do with it being your first dom. For a lot of people who relate well this way, prior vanilla encounters can be very bland, distant, and monochromatic, simply because it was never the right relationship dynamic, emotionally or physically, for them. Then they find their "type", and wow - floods of emotion and sexual urges, never experienced; never felt before. This must be it, this must be the right way, this man must be the one!

Then, for whatever reason, he's not. And more than the usual broken heartedness, we feel cheated, because after the doors of Heaven opened, the angels trumpets blared, and the bluebirds flew past holding the banner that read "The End", for whatever reason, the story changes.

Four years ago, I was there ( mine also took place in real life, but timescale was similar ). You will get over this, you will get better, and for sure, there will be doms who are into you who will be smarter, better looking, better in bed, or all of the above. In the meanwhile, really try to learn to get to know a man before you love him; it's worth the wait for someone good.

(in reply to ShyCheshire)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Moving on? - 4/7/2012 3:09:51 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Very nice contribution.

_____________________________



(in reply to WestBaySlave)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Moving on? - 4/9/2012 9:44:46 PM   
lp123


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/17/2010
Status: offline 		I have pondered moving on myself. I have seen a number of Pro Dommes through the last few years. I live in a fairly small area, am married and seeing a Pro Domme sort of guaranteed a result. I see one awesome Domme out West every year but don't have the time or money to go more often. I see 2 closer to home and have had wonderful experiences with both of them and I see them both fairly regularly. I go back to these women hoping to find a sense of intimacy that lasts after the door closes and the deeper sense of intimacy that familiarity and trust lead to when people are well matched for one and other. I have been scouring the net lately looking for new Dominant Women as I feel that both of the Dommes I see here are interested only in the money I bring and the sense of comfort as they both know I treat them with courtesy and respect and present no problems. Fair enough, I got what I paid for but not really what I want so I am moving on and looking for other company with a better understanding of what I want and need. That is very much the same as the rest of life. If your job doesn't work, try to find a better one. Before I got married I dated and or lived with women and if things didn't work out, we went our separate ways and generally have remained good friends. I hope you can find a Master who meets your needs

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Moving on? - 4/10/2012 7:19:03 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Are you looking for a lifestyle Domme to share you with your wife or sneak around behind your wife's back? If you are sneaking, I suggest you stick with Pros, but I doubt you will ever get the intimacy you seek.

(in reply to lp123)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Moving on? - 4/10/2012 9:09:06 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Reasons to just fucking looooove Ms Lockit.


Agreed!

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Moving on? - 4/10/2012 10:38:36 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShyCheshire
...depite the fact that he doesn't want me anymore.

Is there some part of the story that you haven't written yet? How did you come to this conclusion?

Aside from that, what ChatteParfait and Poise said.

edited to add... "and Lockit"


< Message edited by JeffBC -- 4/10/2012 10:39:53 AM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ShyCheshire)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Moving on? - 4/10/2012 10:49:37 AM   
artemiss


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1


quote:

ORIGINAL: ShyCheshire
I met someone here about a month ago,



Watch this video.
http://youtu.be/oYxEvUFFY1g




Awesome!

On the couch sick today, and that was by far more entertaining that anything on TV.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Moving on? - 4/10/2012 4:20:12 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShyCheshire
...depite the fact that he doesn't want me anymore.

Is there some part of the story that you haven't written yet? How did you come to this conclusion?


Probably this:

quote:

"I suggested some ways for me to continue being his submissive, including moving, but he said no."


(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Moving on? - 4/10/2012 4:26:13 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		Did he by any chance tell you that he's moving to Yemen?

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Moving on? - 4/11/2012 1:37:29 AM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		Sorry, Hon. Long distance hug.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Moving on? - 4/11/2012 7:17:56 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

Did he by any chance tell you that he's moving to Yemen?



<wiping off the monitor>


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Baroana)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Moving on? - 4/11/2012 1:12:10 PM   
pghays04


Posts: 86
Joined: 1/16/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

Did he by any chance tell you that he's moving to Yemen?

What's special about Yemen? Not snark, I really don't know this joke.

(in reply to Baroana)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Moving on? - 4/11/2012 4:20:47 PM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pghays04


quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

Did he by any chance tell you that he's moving to Yemen?

What's special about Yemen? Not snark, I really don't know this joke.


It's a Friends reference. Chandler breaks up with his girlfriend by pretending he's moving to Yemen, and is forced into an awkward situation where he actually does fly to Yemen.

(in reply to pghays04)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Moving on? - 4/11/2012 5:04:33 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave


quote:

ORIGINAL: pghays04


quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

Did he by any chance tell you that he's moving to Yemen?

What's special about Yemen? Not snark, I really don't know this joke.


It's a Friends reference. Chandler breaks up with his girlfriend by pretending he's moving to Yemen, and is forced into an awkward situation where he actually does fly to Yemen.



And the airline doesn't accept library cards!

(in reply to WestBaySlave)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Moving on? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.098