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Resisting the Urges.. - 4/7/2012 6:19:08 PM   
slaveloser69


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/5/2011
Status: offline 		Hi all, i've been posting alot recently regarding my vanilla relationship. Anyway, my urge for BDSM has gotten stronger and stronger. I've been trying to stop the urges, but I can't. I've tried doing some bdsm type stuff with my girlfriend, but she really isn't all into it. Im submissive, she likes more when im dominant in the bedroom, and I dont know, it just doesnt seem to work when it comes to brining a bdsm element into the bedroom..

I've been having CRAZY, CRAZY desire to pay a findomme. I've been so turned on by this, and I look at porn, and go to financial domme websites and see many men with girlfriends and wives who pay these women. Not that I would do that becuase i know its cheating, but I just want it so bad.

What can I do to stop these urges, and just be ok in a vanilla relationship and not want to get on skype and humiliate myself and pay a domme not to send all the pictures out??
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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/7/2012 6:22:32 PM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		Quit watching so damn much porn for one thing.

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/7/2012 6:28:56 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		Why not get your girlfriend to agree to you taking this action to satisfy your urge.
That way, you aren't cheating, and she isn't forced to do something she doesnt want to do.

Problem solved.

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/7/2012 6:30:47 PM   
BurntKitty


Posts: 3340
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: Here To Eternity.
Status: offline

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/7/2012 7:27:23 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69
I've been having CRAZY, CRAZY desire to pay a findomme. I've been so turned on by this, and I look at porn, and go to financial domme websites and see many men with girlfriends and wives who pay these women. Not that I would do that becuase i know its cheating, but I just want it so bad.

What can I do to stop these urges, and just be ok in a vanilla relationship and not want to get on skype and humiliate myself and pay a domme not to send all the pictures out??

1. Go to this page, and watch at least the first video. It is long and a bit dry, but if you can sit through it you'll have a better understanding of what is happening to you.
http://yourbrainonporn.com/

2. Can you tell your girlfriend? If you can't/won't, you need to talk to a therapist. The path you are walking leads to madness. I'm not being dramatic here. You won't like yourself if you continue doing what you're doing.

3. I can tell you that I recently stopped watching porn, after being quite the connoisseur for years -- I've even dated women who made a couple fetish videos. And I have to say, I have soooo much more free time now, it is ridiculous. Also, mentally I feel at the top of my game. But I don't think I could have pulled it off without the support of women who care about my welfare. So you need someone in real life to back you up in this, or it will be hard to do.

Good luck.

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/7/2012 7:40:45 PM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

Hi all, i've been posting alot recently regarding my vanilla relationship. Anyway, my urge for BDSM has gotten stronger and stronger. I've been trying to stop the urges, but I can't. I've tried doing some bdsm type stuff with my girlfriend, but she really isn't all into it. Im submissive, she likes more when im dominant in the bedroom, and I dont know, it just doesnt seem to work when it comes to brining a bdsm element into the bedroom..

I've been having CRAZY, CRAZY desire to pay a findomme. I've been so turned on by this, and I look at porn, and go to financial domme websites and see many men with girlfriends and wives who pay these women. Not that I would do that becuase i know its cheating, but I just want it so bad.

What can I do to stop these urges, and just be ok in a vanilla relationship and not want to get on skype and humiliate myself and pay a domme not to send all the pictures out??


Your relationship reminds me of the married gay man (I know you're not gay) who realizes he just can't live a lie anymore. You tried your only option (one a gay man doesn't have), but you're girlfriend isn't into it. The reason is as simple as realizing why the gay man's wife is not an option. You need to be with a natural dom, otherwise there will always be resentment for whatever proclivity she will find repulsive and degrading (which sometimes is the entire point, eh?).

I'm in your space my man (as a dom), and that's why I'm looking for a woman who already knows she wants that, and not to be convinced. Don't cheat on your girlfriend - but do some research, and be who you are sexually!



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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/7/2012 8:22:27 PM   
slaveloser69


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/5/2011
Status: offline 		Great answer Karmastic. Your right.

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/7/2012 11:14:56 PM   
Aswad


Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		Sounds more like RedMagic is right in this case.

Although I'm not an expert, the way you express yourself does seem suggestive of a problematic feedback loop.

Let's skip the prelude and start with the point where you discover an interest in submission. The porn is a reasonable outlet in itself. But unless kept to an occasional thing, it tends to affect your desires in a manner that is detrimental to the relationship and also to any prospect of experiencing your desires offline with another partner. That drives a wedge between you and your partner, creating an ever widening gap in desires while artificially heightening the degree of lust feeding yours. Which increases the reliance on porn as an outlet, closing the loop.

Realize that if you do find a compatible partner, this desire will fade quickly back to normal levels.

Cut the porn for starters. A therapist is also a good idea. You may want to seek out a different partner while there is still something other than resentment left in your relationship, ending it on a good note, rather than letting it rot (in which case you'll probably end up with a kid before it reaches the stage where you both realize it can't go on, at which point the kid will pay for your mistakes).

Another option, which I can't really recommend, but which you'll possibly want to consider anyway, is to use your porn issue to drive your interest in a different direction to improve compatibility. Starting from the femdom/malesub interest, go to femdom/femsub, then on to MF teamdom/femsub, then maledom/femsub. Congratulations, basic reprogramming complete. It won't run very deep, but it should be enough to be compatible with your current mate. It still requires you to cut back on the porn when you're done, though.

Health,
al-Aswad.

< Message edited by Aswad -- 4/7/2012 11:20:59 PM >

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From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 6:49:19 AM   
slaveloser69


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/5/2011
Status: offline 		Hm,, well. There is not really any resement for starters. I don't have an addiction to porn either, I think this isn't really going in the correct direction.

I feel I want BDSM/humiliation/etc/etc and I don't get it from my current girlfriend so yes porn is an outlet where I seek out what I cannot get in my relationship. But I don't exactly think thats really a problem or addiction..

I sometimes feel maybe I do need a partner who is somewhat into bdsm to fulffill some of my needs. Maybe that person will be more comptabile with me and I won't desire these urges as much. I want bdsm and i dont' get it in my relationship and I want it more and more, its as simple as that.

I guess I really have two options here and its not seeking a therapist or stop looking at porn. I can leave the relationship before ending up more serious, or I could continue to try and get her comfortable with the lifestyle, maybe she'll be into it.

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 9:17:50 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		FR~

Talk to a professional, someone adept in dealing with fixation on sexual fetishes. We all have desires, but we all learn a fundamental self control that allows us to choose what to do and what not to do.

IE: We love our partner/spouse, so we choose not to fuck random individuals on a whim. Sure they are hot, but we don't dwell on it or encourage it by stalkerishly staring at photos of the person. Instead we choose to put it from mind and focus on the good things we do have.

If this girlfriend is not the one for you however, if sexually and emotionally you are not compatible, best to deal with that upfront and not torture yourself for years over it either. You need to stop fixating, but you lso need to learn what will make you happy and healthy, and pursue that.

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 11:38:36 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		get a life?

find a hobby, go out on dates, hang out with friends, turn off the computer. Think about what you could be spending your money on like paying bills, saving for the future, raising a family, that girl you hope to have one day, equipment for a hobby, going out to dinner with your friends, etc...


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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 1:26:05 PM   
slaveloser69


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/5/2011
Status: offline 		Ok.. But what if the person is emotionally compatible with me and vanilla sexually compatible w. Me but just isnt into ndsm like I am.. What happens then? Can it work? Shoukd I try to get her into it?

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 1:52:15 PM   
chelita30


Posts: 58
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		I think it's worth a go if you are really compatible in other ways but you have to do it carefully and very, very slowly. I wonder if you have tried to introduce too many of your fantasies to her at once? I do know of relationships where one partner has "gotten the other into bdsm". Whether the latent desires were already there and were simply brought out, I don't know. I have no experience in this area, but I suggest you could start by having a serious talk with her - tell her for example that you are unhappy with your sex life (emphasize that this is NOT her fault) and you would like to work on it together. These things have to be brought out into the open if the relationship is to work. If you google 'introduce bdsm to my partner' you can read about other couple's experiences and advice. You might get some ideas. Good luck!

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 2:51:56 PM   
slaveloser69


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/5/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks.. But is there a chance she will run away? Maybe the idea of humiliating her bf telling me I have a tiny Dick might make her lose respect for me and leave..

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 2:57:32 PM   
PateSucree


Posts: 13
Joined: 2/28/2012
From: New England
Status: offline 		If she's not into it, you probably can't convince her to be, and it's not really fair to try. And if you stay together, you will always have that urge that isn't being fulfilled by your girlfriend.

Either leave her and find someone who you're more sexually compatible with, or stay with her, and discuss getting your kink taken care of elsewhere. If you think you can chat with findommes on Skype and play online and still maintain a healthy relationship with your girlfriend, go for it. But communicate, damn it!

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 3:00:24 PM   
slaveloser69


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/5/2011
Status: offline 		Great advice. Thanks

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 3:32:22 PM   
chelita30


Posts: 58
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		Well, you don't begin asking her to insult you! Begin just with asking her to be on top, maybe to tie your arms with silk scarves! But as Patesucree pointed out, if it's really not her thing you won't be able to convince her. However, you never know what latent desires can be unleashed when you start discussing and trying these things together.

_____________________________

"When Christian Grey "rips through" Anastasia's virginity, she actually says "Argh!" like Jon finding out that Garfield has once again shredded the curtains"

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 3:40:55 PM   
slaveloser69


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/5/2011
Status: offline 		Thank you!!

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 6:13:33 PM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chelita30
Well, you don't begin asking her to insult you! Begin just with asking her to be on top, maybe to tie your arms with silk scarves! But as Patesucree pointed out, if it's really not her thing you won't be able to convince her. However, you never know what latent desires can be unleashed when you start discussing and trying these things together.


That's a good point. Also, she might have some secret fantasies she wants to try (not necessarily topping him!), and if so, hopefully they can indulge each other's fantasies.

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RE: Resisting the Urges.. - 4/8/2012 11:18:55 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		See a therapist.

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