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Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:27:50 AM

Simcity7991

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline

Im very new to the lifestyle. As a matter of fact I have almost no experience. I'm only listed as a switch because I havent absolutely determined my submissiveness or dominance. However, I am very eager but not desperate. I have emailed a few women that I thought could possibly be a good match but almost all the women here seem to be interested in money. I'd really just like a d/s relationship that can be long term. It seems that so many men on this site are disrespectful, perverts, or only looking for sex and I believe this has caused most women to categorize all men this way. I apologize if this post comes off as complaining because there are so many of those already. I just would like to understand if I should wait a little bit longer to find someone true or is this site just not worth it. I'd also like to know if there is a better way of meeting women in this lifestyle. I'd like to go to munches but I'm not really sure of any in my town and I'm also a bit shy about going alone.

Post #: 1

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:30:48 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Read this.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1717756/tm.htm

However, your best results will probably be in real life. Go to local events if you can. I've also had good results on OKCupid, answering a bunch of their kink questions, so their algorithm matched me with women who were into BDSM.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Simcity7991)

Post #: 2

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:36:38 AM

Simcity7991

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline

Thanks, I actually did read that post and I believe i'm pretty much doing the everything he describes. I just cant seem to have any luck. I'd like to go to local events but Im a bit hesitant about going alone.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 3

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:44:13 AM

onlyfreelycaged

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

If you're worried about it, write or call the person running the munch. They will most likely introduce you..

(in reply to Simcity7991)

Post #: 4

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:45:50 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

Honestly? You've been here less than a month. It comes down to the fact that there are a Lot of other people, both sub and dom, here and it's going to take time and luck to find a match (to include while looking in real life). There are a Lot of female dominants looking for long-term relationships on here, but you're unlikely to find and be interesting and compatible with one in so short a time. Can it happen? Sure, but it's not likely.

Go ahead and get out and meet people in real life. It will help increase your chances a lot. Fetlife is a great place to find events in one's area, try that. Don't let being alone keep you from attending... it's basically just like any social function: people say "hi", sit around and chat, you meet and make acquaintances, etc. Every person you get along with expands your pool of opportunities.

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(in reply to Simcity7991)

Post #: 5

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:47:24 AM

Simcity7991

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline

That seems reasonable. I think I just need someone to ease me into the scene. Going to munches would do that but Im not really sure of how things are run and what to expect.

(in reply to onlyfreelycaged)

Post #: 6

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:48:21 AM

SlipSlidingAway

Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline

Hi Simcity, I read your post and went to your profile. After taking a gander, a few things pop out at me. First off, your pic has clutter behind you. Not a real big deal, but it sort of says this is the best place I had to take my photo, implying the rest of your domain is perhaps not even that tidy. You don't really seem to know what YOU want, your own mind. Which is fine, you are young, plenty of time to figure it out. But, you say you want a relationship, and most women entering into a relationship have some idea of what THEY want. If you can't figure out what you have to offer, what you need, it's hard for them to figure out if you might be able to provide it. But, the real red flag for me was this journal entry: "I really hope I find someone that's worth this excessive patience I'm being forced to practice." You are 21 years old. You have been on the site less than a month. You posted that entry after being here two weeks. Two WEEKS. If you think that is excessive patience, you are in for a rude awakening. It can take YEARS to find a relationship partner. Not just here, but anywhere. If you want to hook up with somebody for play you might luck out. And I'm not saying it's impossible to find someone quickly; just highly unlikely. That statement make you look immature and impatient. Good things come to those who wait. I wish you much luck, but enjoy the journey, and don't jump into something just to be with someone. Best of everything.

(in reply to Simcity7991)

Post #: 7

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:49:17 AM

Simcity7991

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline

Yea I completely understand what you are saying. I think attending a munch and actually going out there and meeting people is probably the best thing to do. thanks again for your insight.

(in reply to RumpusParable)

Post #: 8

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:50:34 AM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Simcity7991

I have emailed a few women that I thought could possibly be a good match but almost all the
women here seem to be interested in money.

What were the determining factors in selecting them as a good match for you?
Was there an indication in their profile that they were seeking a long term relationship?
Otherwise, I can't see how someone you found of interest as relationship material would turn
around and see you only as an opportunity for some easy money. Usually, they would just not respond
if they weren't interested in you, or send a thanks but no thanks reply.
There are many woman here who have no interest in your money.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Simcity7991
I just would like to understand if I should wait a little bit longer to find someone true or is this site just not worth it.
I'd also like to know if there is a better way of meeting women in this lifestyle. I'd like to go to munches but I'm
not really sure of any in my town and I'm also a bit shy about going alone.

Lot's of people have had very positive and long lasting relationships that were formed on this site, so if that's
what you're looking for, then it's up to you to determine whether it's worth your time and energy (and frustration!)
Combined with getting out into your local community, and you're doubling your odds for success.
Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Simcity7991)

Post #: 9

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:51:16 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Simcity7991

Thanks, I actually did read that post and I believe i'm pretty much doing the everything he describes.

If this is your first profile, then you've only been at it for a few weeks. In 2007, when I signed up, I wasted a shitload of time talking to scammers, because I had never online dated before, and I had no idea that dating scams existed. One time, I got as far as the Western Union page, because someone I thought was cute, and who was talking to me over webcam, asked me to wire her money. Just before I hit send, I said to myself, "WTF am I doing?"

At this point, if you want to hone your skills dating on the kinky internet, my advice is:

1. post here, or in Ask A Mistress, requesting criticism of your profile and your first emails. This takes some humility, because the ladies will tell you what they think, and you might not like it.

and

2. learn to spot scammers and not talk to them. I knew how to date and flirt, so the #1 thing that helped me was spending zero time talking with scammers, so I was able to invest my time in profiles of real women who were looking for someone like me. I've met a lot of women in real life off this site, and that was only possible because I stopped talking to time wasters.

Also, can you get a woman's phone number in real life? If the answer is no, you might want to google "how to flirt" or similar advice. The tips places like Match.com publishes are also very useful here.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Simcity7991)

Post #: 10

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:52:34 AM

Simcity7991

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline

Thank you. That really helped. And that closet is cluttered only because I share it with my untidy brother lol Plus it was the only place with a full length mirror. I appreciate your feedback though. That journal entry does seem a bit immature now that I think about it.

(in reply to SlipSlidingAway)

Post #: 11

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 10:59:04 AM

Simcity7991

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline

Thanks that helped. And you're probably right about me being new to the whole internet dating thing. Maybe im not as good of a flirt as I thought I was lol.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 12

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 12:04:59 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Simcity7991

That seems reasonable. I think I just need someone to ease me into the scene. Going to munches would do that but Im not really sure of how things are run and what to expect.

Munches are merely meetings, usually in a restaurant where people get together to eat and talk. That is all. No play time activities happen at munches. If they are lucky enough to have a private room for meeting the conversation can include kink subjects when the wait staff is not present. If they meet in a place where others can hear the conversation the subjects generally stick to vanilla things.

If you are shy you can often email the person who runs the munch and explain you are new and shy. That person may then arrange for someone to meet you before the munch so that you have someone you are familiar with at munch. The munch might also have a welcoming person who takes care of first timers and introduces them to others.

The importance of munches is to meet people. Once you get to know them you may be invited to a private party that someone hosts. Do not expect an invite after your first munch. Normally you have to attend several and make friends before you get that coveted invitation. At the party you might watch the scenes of those with more experience than you. If you talk with people they may (or may not) offer to let you try something. Since you have little experience this is the best way to gain some valuable experience on both sides of the slash. At the party you might see someone whose style you admire. You might ask that person to mentor you and teach you the ropes, so to say.

_____________________________

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Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to Simcity7991)

Post #: 13

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 12:10:44 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

Reorientate the second pic in your profile so it's the right side up and take down the closet pic. Best foot forward, and all that!
Women on the D-side do not care much for excuses like "oh it's not my clutter" or "it was the only thing I could find so whateva".

My concern is how do you know you want a lasting D/s relationship when you've had no experience in it at all? You don't even know if you're Dominant or submissive.

You're shy about events, that's ok, but it really is the best way to get some kind of experience in the scene and meet people local to you. Besides, lots of people are like you, new and shy. So it shouldn't be hard to find a platonic friend to go to your first party or munch with. Or, as was mentioned, make friends with the organiser.

quote:

I have emailed a few women that I thought could possibly be a good match but almost all the women here seem to be interested in money.

This rang to me like a bit of a red flag. What exactly is your criteria for women you think would be a good fit?

Personally I think your profile needs to include a paragraph or two about your understanding of what D/s is and the kind of relationship you want. Be honest, even if all you can say about it is that you don't really know yet. What you say is not so important as that you've said it, and truthfully. Otherwise, your profile seems great for a vanilla dating site.

(in reply to Simcity7991)

Post #: 14

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 12:12:47 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Good for you for deleting that journal entry!

I recommend fixing the orientation of your sideways picture and having your brother take some pictures of you with better backgrounds than your closet.

FYI, it took me a year to find Relationship Guy. You have to weed out all the people wanting money; I had to weed out all the men seeking NSA sex. He's active on fet - I'm here - we met on OKCupid and had both taken kinky tests and added kinky keywords in our profiles.

People have been very friendly and welcoming at all the munches I've been too but I know going by yourself is disconcerting. Like others have said, consider contacting the organizer ahead of time.

(in reply to Simcity7991)

Post #: 15

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 12:48:32 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I have emailed a few women that I thought could possibly be a good match but almost all the women here seem to be interested in money.

Careful not to be this guy:

(in reply to Simcity7991)

Post #: 16

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 1:07:24 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

For people who make the decision to start experimenting with S&M, I wonder if deciding to get "into the scene" is just a bad way to go in general. Before the Internet, you just didn't "get into the scene" unless you went the way of finding magazines, classifieds or or clubs. You just dated open minded people and experimented with your sensuality and sexuality and left the wild swinging sex clubs and parties to the hardcore wild lifestylers....not that there's anything wrong with that.

There's a whole world of "experimentation" right outside your own door. It's at your next vanilla "date." Experiment with patience and playfulness with a partner who is open minded and with whom you share chemistry.

I find that there's much more downside to a man who remains single way, way too long waiting for "ms. kinky right" and forgets the nuances of dating and flirtation than a man who "plays the field" and dates, goes out, has a few relationships, learns about his own desires. A lot of men develop the ability to "find the kinky woman" in a room full of strangers by her body language.

Believe it or a not, a lot of wildly kinky women don't hang out at munches or on the Internet.

Akasha

_____________________________

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(in reply to Simcity7991)

Post #: 17

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 1:21:54 PM

Karmastic

Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline

You've received a ton of good advice already - here's some things no one mentioned.

First, you seem like a very intelligent, articulate bright guy. But rather than smiling in your pictures, you're actually frowning! I'm not into guys or doms, but that alone would send me running. You're a handsome guy, so take new pics of you with a real (not contrived smile). Do that by setting the camera's timer, then preparing by thinking of a really funny event or joke. Also, unless you want a Goth chick or a sullen woman, wear some colors! And take your pictures outside, where there's better light and more vivid colors. In fact, see if you have some pics of you in outdoor activity, like skiing, whateva.

Re being a dom or sub or even a switch - others gave great advice on that. I will add that you need to totally re-think and re-word your stance on that. Go from "I don’t know", which is sure to make them run, to something like, "I'm exploring my sexuality, including the dom and sub sides of me. My ideal woman doesn’t need experience, she just needs to compliment me and my needs with hers...". It's being vague while still being honest, without instantly eliminating you from a majority of the women that do know what role or roles they want.

The reality is that even with a dom-sub or switch-switch or whatever match, there's still many other levels and dimensions that make a true complimentary match. So therefore, and MOST IMPORTANTLY - your profile should get them interested in you as a person first, then the kink stuff comes later.

There's many good ways to organize a profile (I'm sure mine sucks), but I like to focus on them first. I say "You are looking for..." and insert a quality that I am (must be true), that I think is desirable and what she's looking for. List a couple out.

Then I focus on me, tell them a bit about me, and what I'm looking for.

The last part is about BDSM/kink, and just a little of what I like.

You sound like a great guy - good luck in your search, and have some patience son! And freakin smile!

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 18

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 1:27:14 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm actually going to side with those who are encouraging you to go to munches. Not so much for the "find someone" deal, but to find yourself. It will give you a chance to meet people who can help you to become educated about all kinds of things. Different types of play, different relationship styles, and all of the other stuff that you are probably curious about right now.

All you need to do is contact the person who sets up the munch. They will be glad to introduce you around.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 19

RE: Am i asking for too much? - 4/10/2012 1:31:41 PM

Karmastic

Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
There's a whole world of "experimentation" right outside your own door. It's at your next vanilla "date." Experiment with patience and playfulness with a partner who is open minded and with whom you share chemistry.

Believe it or a not, a lot of wildly kinky women don't hang out at munches or on the Internet.

I struggle with what you're saying because it's very intuitive and rings true. I'm going through similar struggles and evolution as the OP.

But I don't want to initiate a vanilla interest and then inject kink/bdsm and try to convince. Perhaps I could be better at "seeing" who the kink woman is, and my own limitations have prevented me from exploring it more in a vanilla relationship setting. At least for me, it's hard to bring that up, doesn't seem fair.

That's why I ventured to the personals side of this site, and perhaps munches later. I want a woman, experienced or not, who's made a conscious decision that she also wants to explore (her sub side).

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 20

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