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RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 8:06:04 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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It doesn't always have to be about dominance, sometimes it's just personalities that don't get along. At Passover, my cousin was there and he'd dominant in his relationship, a good friend was there who is obviously dominant in his, and The Man. No arguments between any of them. But I have a friend whose husband is very similar personalitywise to The Man. Put those two together, and they're both picking their words carefully to not get into an argument. The teens obey when either of them says anything.

I had thought that maybe it's because their dominance is so evenly matched, but now I'm unsure.

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(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 21

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 8:09:39 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
LadyP, the sort of person you describe is always, in my eyes, trying to compensate for their own fears, weaknesses, and inadequacies. It's nearly always a bluff, more hot air than any real substance. And if substance, it's without the inner strength and leadership that they are so frightened by and intimidated of. Crass bullies, pure and simple.

LaT, that is the one extreme that I speak of. You nailed it.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 22

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 8:29:52 AM

Endivius

Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
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Being dominant and being socially apt are not in anyway related. I have seen first hand a number of chest beaters that cannot accept opposing ideas or beliefs force those around them to "choose" a side. In a way, it is an affirmation thier social power and acceptance of thier role in the social circle. Like wise I have seen a number of Dominants go in entirely the other direction. Being dominant, really in my opinion, has little to do with either. I have found that there are people, no matter how you engage them, simply will not relate with you on any level. Some are dominant, some are submissive. The point though, is that personalities are made up of so much more than a label one might adhere to, and it is far more rewarding to live up to the standards you set for yourself and those who you respect and admire, than to pander to those you don't. You can't please everyone, and no matter how difficult you wage that war, it will allways be a losing battle. As far as being able to relate to eachother, BDSM or vanilla doesn't exclusively apply to social awkwardness. That comes from trial and error, some of us are just better at learning from our mistakes than others. Some of us have a natural talent for socializing, some of us are horrible at it. People are complicated, BDSM is just one very small facet of the puzzle that makes up the content of our personalities.

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Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 23

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 8:54:57 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I am with you here Miss. For me people are just people, I do not regard them as dominant or submissive, unless I am intimately involved with them.
Dominants who want to show their power by being (to me) overbearing generally get some dismissive humor. And submissives who try to show their obsequience (sublier than thou type) usually get the same treatment. I don't want to rain on their parade, neither will I indulge it.
For me people are always just people. No dom/sub added.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissImmortalPain
People are just people. They should be treated as people with the same respect one would want themself to be treated with.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to MissImmortalPain)

Post #: 24

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 9:38:17 AM

MrBukani

Posts: 1920
Joined: 4/18/2010
Status: offline

I'm social first and liberal next.
I like republics.
And I do conserve traditions.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 25

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 10:01:12 AM

SirLangsdorff

Posts: 289
Joined: 12/12/2010
Status: offline

I knew a guy [online] that was just like that. I'm not sure it had anything to do with the fact he was a Dom, but he was in fact a. a young(er), b. Gorean, and c. online. I do realize anything online is going to be easier to exert dominance because there is no face to face. Almost everyone (online) that I've dealt with had to be top dog. I don't feel the need and will leave the conversation if it's not big deal to me. I'm the same way, if not more in real conversations. I don't feel the need to show off my manliness in public. there is a time to show who you are and a time to stand down and let life flow as it should.

Now what it could be is this. I'm m pretty sarcastic and I notice I [seemingly] put people down. I only do this if [I feel] the relationship is strong enough to support this. Maybe it's the same thing.

_____________________________

And what does the LORD require of you But to do justice, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

I'm nice if you are.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/13559888/master-intro

(in reply to MrBukani)

Post #: 26

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 10:20:15 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Personally if someone is putting other people down then I would see that person in a negative light and a person trying to cover their fears and insecurities.

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 27

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 11:04:34 AM

pghays04

Posts: 86
Joined: 1/16/2012
Status: offline

Thanks for posting this, I'd been wondering about how you all behave in groups. Looks like it's about the same as any other group of people. I think I'll do OK with my live and let live attitude.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 28

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 11:05:18 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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People are people, regardless of lifestyle or hobby.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to pghays04)

Post #: 29

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 12:19:20 PM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

I've never really linked relationship dominance to social dominance.

I mean, in many senses, in a given group of people, I find a lot of people are rather apathetic and indecisive. I often wind up making the decisions of where we'll go and what we'll do, not from a desire to be top dog in the pack, but from the fact that nothing at all would happen otherwise. Does that make me the dominant in that group? I don't really think so. However, when it's a choice between directing and milling about in apathy stew, I know what I'll do.

Also, I find someone's role constantly recontextualizes depending on the social situation. Someone can be be in a leadership role one moment, then in a subordinate role the next, and this kind of switch constantly happens in large organizations of almost every type, and to a less rigid sense, in social groups.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 30

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 12:59:08 PM

LunaM

Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

It is my opinion that it is only the beta's that get into needless conflicts. They, unlike the alpha's, need to sort position amongst themselves. They do so with mock combats. Alpha's, in my experience, don't need to engage in such things so they don't. Largely, that's because alpha's don't engage in mock conflicts at all, when they conflict, they mean to end it. It's a messy business that's best to avoid when possible.

You just described the very essence of a wolf pack. The alphas are the ones who hang back and the betas are the ones who are the gateway into the pack. If one wolf wants to join another pack, they have to get through the beta.

The alphas are alphas because they are good decision makers and knows what's best for their pack. They don't need to prove their "alpha-ness" to others because its clear in the way they lead their pack. I see this easily transferrable to humans. The Alphas merely sit and chill, feeling no need to engage in useless posturing and showing off because they have already proven they are in charge in their own respects. Being dominant, in my opinion, doesn't mean you go around getting into fights to prove your toughness. Being a Dom/Master/Domme/Mistress is all about the mind. You are in control of your own faculties, can discern what is wrong and what is right for you and your mate (or pack for poly purposes) and where to hang out that is a safe environment, not so much the brute force of it.
In my most honest opinion, being a Master/Domme is all about mind power. True power lies in the mind, not in the body.
As for Doms being able to get along, I don't see that as much of a problem. If your secure in who you are there is no need in chest-beating or penis size competitions. I personally believe Doms can get along no problem so long as they are secure in their own beings.
Slaves/subs can do the same things and it goes for them too, in my opinion. They need to be secure enough in themselves and perhaps in their relationships then they don't have to do the whole I'm best of the slaves and I can out-slave or out-sub anyone else.

Its like that quote and I pick this just for memory sake since I don't know of any others like it "If you have to tell people your a lady, then you probably aren't"

Just my 2 cents. I'm a slave but from watching people and dogs interact this is just my take on human interactions and wolf pack interactions and hierarchy in general and when more dominant types are together and when more submissive types are together.

< Message edited by LunaM -- 4/11/2012 1:02:12 PM >

_____________________________

~BloodRed's Slave~

~Love is our response to our highest values and can be nothing else~

~And yet she had never felt more totally committed to a will, which was not her own, more totally a slave and more content to be so~

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 31

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 2:13:03 PM

pghays04

Posts: 86
Joined: 1/16/2012
Status: offline

quote:

If your secure in who you are there is no need in chest-beating or penis size competitions.

Sorry, but an image of a bunch of Doms/Dommes standing around with rulers measuring each other. How could a Domme ever come out top dog in that situation? Unfair!!

(in reply to LunaM)

Post #: 32

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 2:17:52 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pghays04

quote:

If your secure in who you are there is no need in chest-beating or penis size competitions.
Sorry, but an image of a bunch of Doms/Dommes standing around with rulers measuring each other. How could a Domme ever come out top dog in that situation? Unfair!!

Obviously you've not see our equipment!

Please ask Ash about our previous discussions on this topic. But please, do so gently. It is a sensitive issue.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to pghays04)

Post #: 33

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 2:24:49 PM

pghays04

Posts: 86
Joined: 1/16/2012
Status: offline

quote:

Obviously you've not see our equipment!

Please ask Ash about our previous discussions on this topic. But please, do so gently. It is a sensitive issue.

No I haven't. Ash dear, will you please share with us that to which LaTigresse refers? Gently enough LaTigresse? Edited for spelling.

< Message edited by pghays04 -- 4/11/2012 2:26:01 PM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 34

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 2:26:31 PM

LunaM

Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pghays04

quote:

If your secure in who you are there is no need in chest-beating or penis size competitions.
Sorry, but an image of a bunch of Doms/Dommes standing around with rulers measuring each other. How could a Domme ever come out top dog in that situation? Unfair!!

Bwahahahahaha! I beg to differ. I'll wager a guess there's some Dommes that have plastic ones that could shame any man. Lol!!!

_____________________________

~BloodRed's Slave~

~Love is our response to our highest values and can be nothing else~

~And yet she had never felt more totally committed to a will, which was not her own, more totally a slave and more content to be so~

(in reply to pghays04)

Post #: 35

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 2:27:08 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I believe we will find out.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to pghays04)

Post #: 36

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 2:40:58 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
I've never really linked relationship dominance to social dominance.

nor should you. Carol's and my "social" and "relationship" happen to be the same. But there are scads of relationship submissives/slaves who are quite dominant socially. Ditto the other way around although they seldom want to discuss it.

quote:

I mean, in many senses, in a given group of people, I find a lot of people are rather apathetic and indecisive. I often wind up making the decisions of where we'll go and what we'll do, not from a desire to be top dog in the pack, but from the fact that nothing at all would happen otherwise. Does that make me the dominant in that group? I don't really think so. However, when it's a choice between directing and milling about in apathy stew, I know what I'll do.

And again, the different definitions of "dominant". In my eyes it absolutely makes you the dominant of the group... at least in that particular instant.

quote:

Also, I find someone's role constantly recontextualizes depending on the social situation. Someone can be be in a leadership role one moment, then in a subordinate role the next, and this kind of switch constantly happens in large organizations of almost every type, and to a less rigid sense, in social groups.

Yes, but I wouldn't count that sort of thing. Boxes on org charts are pretty pictures, nothing more.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 37

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 2:46:56 PM

Bhruic

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline

Hi all. I'm new to this site, but I'll weigh in on this topic as I'm not new to the scene.

I have been in social situations with other doms and subs at fetish parties and clubs, and I don't behave any differently than I do in any other social interaction.

I have met doms who feel like they have to dom everyone they encounter... and I have generally considered it to be a behavior that comes from insecurity (As the original poster seems to say), and I have no respect for it.

I've never met a dom that defers easily to other doms... but if such people exist, I would imagine it comes from lack of confidence or experience. I would avoid getting in to a scene with such a person just because I would not be certain I knew what to expect. But I suppose such a person will grow with time and experience.

I am a dom only to my sub, and she is a sub only to me - unless I decide otherwise. As such, I expect people I encounter in the scene to approach and treat she and I with the same propriety and respect they would approach us with in ANY social situation. And we do the same. Everything else must be first negotiated.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 38

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 2:49:32 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaM
You just described the very essence of a wolf pack....

*chuckles* Not if you talked to a biologist. The "gateway to the pack" is whoever happened to be standing in the right place at the right time. All pack members will defend pack territory including the alphas. The alphas are alphas because they are the parents of the family which is all a wolf pack is. These are not random social units which is why wolf pack analogies fall down when talking about "social dominance" in humans.

quote:

Its like that quote and I pick this just for memory sake since I don't know of any others like it "If you have to tell people your a lady, then you probably aren't"

on the topic of dominance, Carol likes to say, "The guy in the Lamborghini doesn't need to race out of the stop light just because the kid in the souped up Honda civic next to him revved his engine. Everyone knows who will win before the light changes color.

Dom Video

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to LunaM)

Post #: 39

RE: Social Dominance - 4/11/2012 2:54:19 PM

LunaM

Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaM
You just described the very essence of a wolf pack....

*chuckles* Not if you talked to a biologist. The "gateway to the pack" is whoever happened to be standing in the right place at the right time. All pack members will defend pack territory including the alphas. The alphas are alphas because they are the parents of the family which is all a wolf pack is. These are not random social units which is why wolf pack analogies fall down when talking about "social dominance" in humans.

quote:

Its like that quote and I pick this just for memory sake since I don't know of any others like it "If you have to tell people your a lady, then you probably aren't"

on the topic of dominance, Carol likes to say, "The guy in the Lamborghini doesn't need to race out of the stop light just because the kid in the souped up Honda civic next to him revved his engine. Everyone knows who will win before the light changes color.

Dom Video

Lol that video made me laugh so hard.

_____________________________

~BloodRed's Slave~

~Love is our response to our highest values and can be nothing else~

~And yet she had never felt more totally committed to a will, which was not her own, more totally a slave and more content to be so~

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 40

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