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When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 3:35:17 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		There is a thread that goes very much along these same lines, but I really didn't want to interrupt that topic.  If it's too close, I'm fine with the Mods deleting this post.

The one thing that I know I absolutely suck at in the realm of alternative lifestyles, D/s, or whatever a person wants to call it, is dissolving the dynamic.  This isn't especially to say that I was ever good at doing it on the vanilla level or that I'm making the suggestion that it's harder to end a kink relationship than a non kinky one.  I just pretty much suck at it all of the way around.  It's been a while since I've had to do that, so I'm currently being re-educated on just how badly I do suck at it. 

I don't suck at it because I don't know how to treat the other person in the relationship like a human being.  In fact, when people don't know how to do that, it becomes one of My personal pet peeves.  I'm not talking about situations where one spouse has harmed another, cheated on them, or abused them in some way.  That's probably another subject and I don't want to travel down that particular path right now.

The problem is that I *do* know how to treat the other person like a human being, care about their pain, and even a sadist like Me doesn't want to see them go through that.  When someone really has became 'owned' it's pretty tough to take that away from them.  I'm coming to realize this a lot these days due to events in My personal life.  I might even venture to say that I own clip even more now that he has been released. 

The thing is, I'm the Dominant.  I'm supposed to be the person who is charge of making the decisions that are best for everybody.  That's My responsibility here.  I'm a bit on the fence about it.  I don't know where we are going and making such decisions isn't an easy yes or no answer.

So, this thread is about dissolving relationships.  Releasing your s type or your experience as the s type who has been released.  Are you good at it?  Do you suck at it like Me?  Have you ever come to the conclusion that in a long term D/s dynamic, that maybe release can't happen right away?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 3:42:22 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		I'm just so sorry, LadyPact. This is one of those things where the best thing you can do is going to be painful. It's just going to be painful no matter what. Cry if you want. Let clip cry. Try to stay friendss. try to be there for him and listen to him. In other words, I bet your doing everything right that there is to be done right, already. Just let it take the time it takes.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 3:51:15 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		I think you're letting yourself be swayed by emotions. Has the situation leading up to your initial decision changed? Has your reasoning changed? If not, the decision stands. As the Domme, your decisions stand, it is therefore your responsibility to make them and hold to them, even when you yourself are not sure. It is your job to be sure, after all. Even when it hurts you, if you believed and still believe it to be the correct course of action, then you must take the lead and continue to hold fast.

Once upon a time I had a similar case, although the circumstances were less dire. He had an opportunity to further his studies overseas which he did not want to take because of me. So I took that excuse away from him and ended it. I didn't want to do it, emotionally, I liked him and liked having him. I missed him. But it didn't changed the reasons I made the decision, so that decision remained, and I moved on.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 3:54:27 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		It might be hard for you to dissolve it because you actually have feelings and a conscience. Youd much rather leave the person the same or better than when you met them. Its hard to let someone go when you care about them.

Just be truthful with him. Let him know what the reasoning's are for pulling in or pulling back - the truth is what is most important here - the rest, hurt feelings, separation anxiety or whatever will sort itself out later. Just as long there is a truthful foundation for it to stem off of.

Many, many, many people dont have this internal wiring - I believe the term is coined sociopath. I have come to the conclusion that there are far more sociopaths than people that actually care, feel things and have integrity -than not.

As the Dali Lama was quoted: If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.

< Message edited by JanahX -- 4/12/2012 4:07:06 PM >

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 3:59:56 PM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		I would say I suck at it. The thing is, you spend all that time "training" them , protocol and all , and suddenly , they are released and want nothing to do with you. No hate or anything , but it is still a "split up". Usually, some seperation is required, and if you try to tell them what to do (to try to make a better transition) they won't do it because they would feel like they are still being "dominated". So, basically, the submissive is left all alone .

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._



(in reply to JanahX)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 4:06:19 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		First off, I am really saddened to hear about you and clip (as an outsider to the situation). I truly am.

For me, depending on time invested in a relationship, I have never ended one until I thought it was absolutely the only way to bring peace (at least, to my life). That may sound a bit selfish but, usually, at the end of relationships, "selfish" is all we have.

I don't know that there is a good way to end a relationship other than "as painlessly as is possible". That, to me, is the only reasonable goal.

I am also not sure that some don't "hang in there" far too long in the hopes of saving the unsavable. This leaves them doing what I call "The Relationship Death Dance"; both parties know it's over there's just no one willing to be the matador and deliver the final kill stroke.

I hope your journey becomes easier and I hope that your confusion turns to clarity sooner, rather than later.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to JanahX)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 4:16:30 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

So, this thread is about dissolving relationships.  Releasing your s type or your experience as the s type who has been released.  Are you good at it?  Do you suck at it like Me?  Have you ever come to the conclusion that in a long term D/s dynamic, that maybe release can't happen right away?


Would you trust relationship advice from someone who had a lot of experience in this department?

Maybe have a long talk with clips' wife, about what she thinks might be best for him and for all of you? Perhaps time will show that you "overreacted" in your release of him. Perhaps it will show that you all should have hidden your profiles and stopped posting. But if there's no immediate, urgent danger to react to, if you do what feels right, you will probably make the right decision, even if it is contrary to all leather protocols you know.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 4:50:32 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
Would you trust relationship advice from someone who had a lot of experience in this department?

That's actually damn good question.  I will reflect on that.

quote:

Maybe have a long talk with clips' wife, about what she thinks might be best for him and for all of you? Perhaps time will show that you "overreacted" in your release of him. Perhaps it will show that you all should have hidden your profiles and stopped posting. But if there's no immediate, urgent danger to react to, if you do what feels right, you will probably make the right decision, even if it is contrary to all leather protocols you know.

I don't know if we are quite ready to go there yet.  Not because that her input would be unimportant, or that MP's would be any less, but clip and I have to figure these things out first.  We have, in a sense, but we also know that it can only be done in a certain way. 

One of the things that I have learned over these past five years is that, even though there are four adults intertwined in this whole thing, all of these relationships also have an independent base and we also have to see them from that perspective.  Even if MP would say that it is good for Me and clip's wife said it was good for him, that's not enough if the authority dynamic between clip and I doesn't have what it needs to have.

Yes, we could have hidden our profiles, stopped posting, etc.  In My opinion, that would have been the wrong thing to do.  If people only ever talk about the fluff, or the good times, that's not an accurate representation of what these real interactions are all about.  It's not about everything is always great and life doesn't throw you curve balls.  After five years around this joint, I want people to see that sometimes we struggle and sometimes we fall down.  I don't want to blow smoke up anyone's ass and make them think it's always about happy endings.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 4:57:14 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		When the emotional connection is deep, and the bond strong, making any kind of split is hard, and while it may be with the best intentions and in the nicest way, that doesn't make it easy.

I don't however agree about the Dominant being in charge about the break-up. Once it's over it's over, and BOTH parties need to make the right decisions about moving on, one party clinging or lingering makes things messy for the other. There needs to be concensus, and understanding on both sides, as well as responsibility for the seperation on both sides.

If there's too much emotional intensity then sometimes you treat it like a hard drug addiction, you detox, and stay away from the other person until it's no longer painful or raw to be around them.

It may not work for everyone or every situation but my policy is seperation is, quick like a bandaid, and once the bandaid is off, spend time apart, even if you want to be friends, put that 'lets be friends' on hold until you're both over it and grown a bit from the deeper emotional attachment.

Gotta learn how to exist and live apart again, after being so long emotionally attached to someone. For a sub, it can be a rough process, learning to live as a self contained independant person again.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 6:25:19 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
clip and I have to figure these things out first. 


Well, whatever you do, don't make a selfish decision.

"I'm going to be a martyr and think about everyone's needs but my own," is an example of a selfish decision.

And, clip, if you're reading this, I'm talking to you too.

My best wishes to all of you.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 6:38:54 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've only had to dissolve two M/s relationships and both were extremely easy because I woke up one day and realized they were both assholes. There was no love left, no relationship or anything else about that person left that I had any feelings for them. I simply said it was over and walked away.

Now if I ever had to leave Master it would be extremely hard and I'm not sure how I'd deal with it. Yes I would just walk away like the other relationships but I would still love him. If it ended it would not because he is an asshole because it's not his nature. It would be due to other circumstances beyond our control. This is what would make it difficult. I would probably just walk away, tell him I will always love him but I need to not see or hear from him until I feel I could with just being friends and nothing else. That could take months or years. But I definitely could not keep in contact with him right away. It would only worsen the connection between us and I would not be able to really walk away from him and there's a huge chance I'd beg to be his again which would not be wise and very impulsive.

It sounds like maybe that's what you need to do? Walk away? No contact for awhile with each other until emotions can dull for each other enough to just be friends?

I'm sorry about your whole situation and kinda knew it would be difficult for you both. I wish you both the best of luck.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 6:39:14 PM   
lilgirlatheart22


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/5/2012
Status: offline 		I suck at break up as well. I was released back in November from my Master. He released me in an e-mail. He told me his reason and then told me not to contact him in any way. It was very hard for me. In a way it still is. I don't understand his reasoning with the release. It makes no sense to me. But there is not much i can do about it. I still think of my old Master and wonder how he is doing. Maybe someday I will be better at this kind of situation.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 6:43:20 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lilgirlatheart22

I suck at break up as well. I was released back in November from my Master. He released me in an e-mail. He told me his reason and then told me not to contact him in any way. It was very hard for me. In a way it still is. I don't understand his reasoning with the release. It makes no sense to me. But there is not much i can do about it. I still think of my old Master and wonder how he is doing. Maybe someday I will be better at this kind of situation.


His wife found out?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 7:08:08 PM   
lilgirlatheart22


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/5/2012
Status: offline 		@Darksteven no he was not married. He told me it was because he felt i was lying to him over looking for a job. I had been doing it but not sharing any information with him. I hadn't applied for anything at the time because i wanted to work the time i had left at my job. There was the possibility that they would hire me on. I was also supposed to relocate to his town in june. I didn't want to find a permanent job where i live. I just wanted to do something temporary untill it was time to move. I felt i should be looking more for jobs in the town he lived in. I told him i looked for jobs in both locations. He didn't believe me. My roomate even wrote him and told him i was on line every day looking. But it didnt matter.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 7:11:26 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Sounds like an excuse to end it. That he had another girl closer to him and didn't want to lose both of you which if you showed up at his house, was what would have happened.

However re Lady P and clip. I don't know why you've had to end it, but it appears to be for well thought out reasons. The one thing that struck me is Lady P said she feels like she owns him even more now that it's over.

That's wrong. That's just your emotions. If it's over, then you don't get a say in what he does. Even if both of you want that still. Because it's the least healthy thing. If it's time for him to take back control of his life, with the help of his wife, then you still controlling him isn't going to help him learn how to take control. The only way he can learn how, is by doing. And the longer you delay letting him, the harder it will be to do.

Staying in control but not owning him is not letting him go, not letting him mourn and heal, and yes, not letting him move on should he be ready to.

Plus, it does the same to you. Prevents you from mourning the end of the relationship, from feeling the pain fully and healing from it, and perhaps moving on to a new relationship yourself in time.


< Message edited by DesFIP -- 4/12/2012 7:21:23 PM >

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 7:15:52 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Maybe he got cold feet and it was a better excuse in his head than "actually I never thought I'd have to meet you in person"?

Although, if it were me, I would have demanded you prove you've been looking by sharing said information too. BCC on resumes sent out, daily report of ads answered and cold calls made, checking in constantly to keep me in the loop etc. Especially what you'd said in your post there! That was important information regarding where your head was at on the matter.

ETA: Also, if it were me and I cared that you relocate to me, I'd be sending you job ads and wanting to see proof that you'd applied to them.

< Message edited by Alecta -- 4/12/2012 7:16:49 PM >

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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 7:20:40 PM   
lilgirlatheart22


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/5/2012
Status: offline 		We had been together for a year and half so i had met him before. I would have been the one paying for the relocation. My son and i would have started off in our own place. That way he could transition to the change. We then would have moved in with him. I would have completed a lease on my own first. Then two weeks before he released me it turned into me being on my own for two years before we moved in with him. I think in the end it was just an excuse and he didn't have the guts to tell me the real reson he was ending it.

(in reply to Alecta)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 7:21:20 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		I find break-ups very emotional - even play partners. I don't know if it is because I get overly attached, because I am very empathetic, or what, but I rarely have an "easy" break-up regardless of whether I or my partner is initiating it.

I can only say, that it is nice to hear of a Dominant who cares enough to feel the sense of responsibility that you do. I actually think it reflects really well on who you are as a human being. I think even though you might want the whole process to be easier, you are probably just not wired for that kind of easy separation. So managing it in as positive a way possible is likely the best bet. I may be off base, but this is what popped into my mind. I hope you are able to resolve things in a way that is manageable for both of you.

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 7:39:18 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
If people only ever talk about the fluff, or the good times, that's not an accurate representation of what these real interactions are all about

thank you.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: When even the D type doesn't know - 4/12/2012 8:58:44 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		Funny thing about D types.  After all is said and done they are human.  They are not perfect no matter how much they strive to be perfect.  They can, and will make mistakes during their lifetimes.  However, they will also do their damnest to make the right decisions for all involved with all the information they have. 

No one will know if it was the perfect decision for years.  No use in worrying about the "what ifs" that might come up.  The future is hidden from us.  We do what we can. 

It hurts like hell at first.  It's all you can think of.  Time starts the healing process.  In the end I was a stronger wiser person. 

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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