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Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 1:52:36 AM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
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As some of you know, I recently ended my longest relationship I've had ( lasting about two years, half of that living together ) a couple months ago. I've found it's made me very introspective lately.

The strangest thing isn't the kind of post-break up depression that often strikes people after a split. I'll admit I had some the first weeks after, but what's really surprised me is how much my life satisfaction and self-confidence has gone up since. Not just since the split, but even over the "good times" of my last relationship; the times I was supposed to be complete; satisfied; fulfilled. Simply put: I'm happier now than I think I've ever been.

As I walked around Vandusen Gardens today I realized that now that I really feel complete and content without anyone, and it's an odd feeling. Over the past few years I've experienced the highs of great sex, true love, the sense of life-with-narrative that comes from coupling, and the comfort of having another there for you. And undoubtedly, these are really great things, but with the ecstasies has come the depths, and one too many times in a short period. And perhaps more importantly, I've discovered other things, quiet pleasures of music, books, and nature experienced by oneself; of friends with neither "benefits" nor detriments ( you know, people you talk to because you actually like talking to each other ).

In the relationships I've had, they've always been driven by this sense of incompleteness in me. It was though in seeking my dominant, I wanted him to define me, and give me the purpose I found so desperately wanting in my self. And for my most recent and past situations, that's often what they did, in both good senses and bad, and those chapters of my life are their chapters more than mine ( and for the most part, I do not regret that or even blame them - that was what I was seeking ). When they ended, as soon as I got back on my feet, I went back at searching for a man with renewed fierceness.

Only, that hasn't happened this time. I feel pretty satisfied just as I am, and I'm enjoying it, and I don't want that to end. I like being comfortable as me, under my own definitions, in my own space. Instead of watching the things he likes, I'm digging out movies I like. Instead of listening to the music I like in hiding while he's away, I'm putting on the stuff I like out loud. Instead of cooking the foods he liked for dinner, I'm eating my own favorites. I'm really liking me just now and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or something negative. It certainly feels good.

And this isn't an indictment of my ex - I wanted these things. I wanted to make him happy. I enjoyed pleasing and conforming to his wants and wishes, even when it came at the expense of my own. At the time of my relationship these were highlights rather than discomforts. Yet somehow, I find my life satisfaction better now.

I don't think I'm losing my submissive side per se. If I see myself in a relationship, I see myself with a dominant man. The question is, do I want to be? Sex-wise, I'm twenty-four and healthy, but I'm also not someone who is sexually active outside relationships. If I have to choose between bodily friction with someone I'm indifferent to or going without, I'll go without ( I have a good imagination ).

I have my tip toes back in the scene again and though I'm looking only for friends, I get messages and have chats with pleasant, compatible men and even a few chats with my ex that make it clear that that road is still open if I wanted to tread it. But, I'm not sure how to square all this with the fact that through that while it's nice to be wanted, my life here is actually rather charmed all on its own. I'm not seeking my other half. I'm whole.

Has anyone found themselves at this point in their lives? For subs - did you ever reach a point where you stopped feeling the urge to be under another's power, and felt more comfortable self-defined? For doms - have you ever been at a point where another's submission, no matter how pleasant, would add nothing to your life?

I'm not exactly planning the monastic life, yet, something's really different this time, and I'm not sure what it means...
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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 2:21:07 AM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Take the D/s out of it. This is actually very normal of anyone coming out of a long and dedicated relationship. It is healthy, after a break up, to spend time and regroup with yourself. It is normal after a trying break up like the one you had to want to give it a rest for a while.
Put the D/s back in: you'll find yourself to be ready and eager to submit again when the right Master comes along. Just because you're enjoying spending quality time with yourself now doesn't mean that part of you has changed :)

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 2:35:27 AM   
littlecherie


Posts: 137
Joined: 3/29/2012
Status: offline 		Normal part of the process of moving on. Done it a handful of times. (..wow I did have a lot of relationships. oops.)

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 2:57:02 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		You seem to have a very healthy outlook on life right now, WestBay. It's good to know for yourself what makes you you, rather than rely on someone else to define you. That doesn't mean you can't be part of a team or be under someone's command--it just means you are a complete person on your own. You are happy just being you, and that's great.

And only with this self-actualization and knowledge can you truly be ready to give yourself to someone, in my opinion--or even be ready for a relationship at all, really. It's at this point in someone's life, I've found--the point at which they are just happy being themselves and are not so desperately looking for someone to complete them--that the happiest of relationships form when the right person shows up. You are solid in what makes you "you," and no one can take that from you--and that is truly something beautiful, whether you are sharing your life with someone or not. :)

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 3:16:28 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		There was a time that I pretended that I was fine, that I no longer needed someone else as part of my life, that I was content with just myself but when I met Master I knew I was kidding myself. I'm much happier being in a long term committed relationship with a wonderful man. Yeah, I can survive and tell myself that I'm all I need and want but when I face reality, I have to admit to myself that it won't work for me in the long run to be single and content. I like being happy.



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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 3:41:45 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		FR~

It's the catharic process of acceptance. Acceptance of yourself, or your life, and of everything around you really. It has happened to me after break-ups, and sometimes just after life altering events.
I often think it stems from the recovery not the relationship itself, you hit that point of "hey.... I'm doing fine, infact more than fine!"

Some people sadly never hit that point, they forever seek a better half to improve themselves or their happiness. They look outward for betterment instead of inward.

Enjoy it though, it's a zen moment but doesn't last forever, eventually you decide you do want more, sometimes simplified is more relaxing, but eventually you want more again. Having that zen period of time though is excellent for reflection, and for goal setting, steering the boat that is your life down the right career path, or towards other long reaching goals you might have.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 4:10:01 AM   
chelita30


Posts: 58
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		Wow. What a great post! I love this kind of honesty, kudos to you WestBaySlave.

I am struggling myself with these issues at the moment - unfortunately I haven't come to the point you have and I must admit I'm quite envious. I find myself unhappy in relationships, with more lows than highs, often feeling smothered yet I also struggle being single. I've been thinking that perhaps it is a vicious circle. I feel bad being single, so I find a relationship for all the wrong reasons, which then means the relationship ultimately doesn't work out.

I want to be single and sorted...and I'm working on the usual things - exercise, friendships, keeping busy etc but it is incredibly tough. I still get bored, lonely and I get so sexually frustrated I could scream. I think a big part of the reason I find it so hard is that I am a single parent. You give so much of yourself that there is nothing left at times. The same issue makes relationships difficult.

Advice and hugs welcome.





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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 4:47:39 AM   
kitkat105


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/29/2011
From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
Status: offline 		I think it's a reflection on growing up and maturing. Not saying that needing or wanting someone is a sign of immaturity, but every person we meet, every relationship we get involved in, we learn more about ourselves and where we fit in this big wide world. This is why even in relationships, you still need quality 'you' time, buy yourself a treat every now and again, that kind of thing.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 6:48:58 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chelita30
I want to be single and sorted...and I'm working on the usual things - exercise, friendships, keeping busy etc but it is incredibly tough. I still get bored, lonely and I get so sexually frustrated I could scream. I think a big part of the reason I find it so hard is that I am a single parent. You give so much of yourself that there is nothing left at times. The same issue makes relationships difficult.

Advice and hugs welcome.

When my last live-in relationship ended, I felt sexually unattractive, because she and I had been sleeping in the same bed and not touching each other. I threw up a profile on a different site, and went out with a few 18-24 year olds. The fact that women that age still wanted to spend time with me, both in public and in the bedroom, helped me restore my sexual self-esteem. And even during that process, I could have written much of WestBaySlave's post, in clunkier words I bet, but I don't *need* a relationship the way I see a lot of people need one. I still knew I was needed, both by friends and by colleagues -- and of course you know you are needed by your kids. What I was missing was the knowledge that somewhere, someone still wanted my BODY.

And... hugs.

WestBaySlave: Very well said, thank you.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 7:04:49 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

For subs - did you ever reach a point where you stopped feeling the urge to be under another's power, and felt more comfortable self-defined?

I have absolutely not reach this point yet. Loneliness kills. The thing is, if I just wanted a casual relationship, plenty of one night stand doms to play with. But I was inlove with my x-dom, and that ruin everything for me. What I mean is...., prior to falling for my dom, I could do no-strings attached plays, just to satisfy bdsm urges. But now...., it's the emotional fulfillment of having a master I love that I crave, and it's absolutely killing.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 7:48:53 AM   
LunaM


Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline 		Introspection is a sometimes difficult thing to do. Props to you for doing it, WestBay.
I enjoyed reading your post. Right now, if your happy being alone,do that. You are in a state of self growth and re-defining yourself. This doesn't mean you are no longer a sub/slave, but it has taken a back seat due to some personal growth you need to do. I hear you, I think, completely. After I separated from my ex-husband and now that the divorce will soon be finalized, I was happier when I told him I was done than I have ever been in my life. It was a relief to live my life the way I wanted to, to do the things I wanted to, and to grow on my own as a person. My libido dropped but when it escalated, I too have a pretty good imagination and aside from 3 weeks of friends with benefits with someone, I just didn't have sex or wanted it. When I met Master, that all changed. I saw the growth I did as leading me to him and the possibilities we had together and that I had taken the driver's seat of my life and found someone who was compatible with me, yet unrelentingly different.
So you live your life, you be you, and enjoy the time you have just being you. When your ready, he'll show up.
*hugs* Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your journey.

< Message edited by LunaM -- 4/13/2012 7:50:06 AM >

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 8:23:51 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You've discovered what was missing in your past relationships. Next time you choose to get involved, choose someone who won't demand you don't listen to your music, who demands you not eat what you like. Pick someone who likes the same things you do instead. That way you won't have to give anything up.

This is what happens to most of us, we forget to think about compatibility. The small things which wind up mattering a whole lot. Like which radio station is the car set to, like sleeping with the window open or shut, the tv on or off. Because these little things go a long way in making us comfortable and happy. And without them, the relationship itself is never going to make up for their loss.


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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 10:30:22 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

while it's nice to be wanted, my life here is actually rather charmed all on its own. I'm not seeking my other half. I'm whole.



What a great follow-up to your recent post! Print that out, put it up all over the house, revel and rejoice every time you see it.

I'm impressed that you realized this truth at such a young age. It's a wonderful gift some NEVER achieve. What it means is that your life from now on will feel complete whether you have a partner or not. The magic of internal wholeness is that others will be drawn to you. You'll have a wealth of love, authenticity, and joy surround you from now on in all its myriad forms.

All by yourself, you've grabbed the brass ring. Be proud, and let your heart be full.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 11:00:56 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

Has anyone found themselves at this point in their lives? For subs - did you ever reach a point where you stopped feeling the urge to be under another's power, and felt more comfortable self-defined?



No, I haven't stopped feeling the urge to be under another's power. If anything, the urge is now stronger than ever. I'm trying to pretend I can work around that.




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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/13/2012 11:25:36 PM   
SexyThoughts


Posts: 180
Joined: 7/14/2011
Status: offline 		I find a good relationship is better than being single. But being single is better than being a bad relationship. Of course the hard part's knowing what's good and bad, when you're in love or lonely.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/14/2012 12:50:58 AM   
another1harder


Posts: 112
Joined: 3/11/2012
Status: offline 		LOVE love when it works.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/14/2012 8:28:08 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Has anyone found themselves at this point in their lives?


Sure. This is common.

It will pass, as long as you don't slip into bitter isolation. Grow, heal, regroup, and move on to your next love, wiser and a better partner.

As far as the D/s, M/s aspect -- we are our natures. I'm actually very laid-back, easy-going, down-to-earth, yet I'm always the de facto leader, even when part of a team (and I prize working as a team). Same thing in relationships--even with "vanilla" women, their submissive side rises to the surface, just because of who we each are. And a submissive girl, even (perhaps especially) an independent, confident, creative, intelligent, capable, strong personality (which is what makes her so desirable), is going to find herself drawn to that certain man, an inner urging, despite her mind listing objections. It's who she is, and when we release ourselves to who we truly are, we are not only happier, but begin again to grow.

Life will be rich and full again. Be well.


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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/14/2012 8:29:25 AM   
littlekitten1


Posts: 160
Status: offline 		Wow... So im not the only one who experienced this...

I broke up with my dominant ex of 5 years in September last year. And since then my healing process has come in waves. At first I was destroyed over the fact that our promises of 'forever' to each other never lasted... but I had waves of acceptance, followed by depression again....
But then... about 4-5 months after the break-up.... I came to the same realization. I realized I hadn't lost anything or was a less than before. but that Im doing fine alone, and am in fact in absolutely no rush to find someone new. I promised myself to take my time, and just spend time doing all the things I loved... things that I was too depressed to in my previous relationship. It's amazing how many people experience it :)

Oh yea... I actually thought I'd never get over it. For the longest time I thought I'd die from heartbreak.. which is actually possible. Or that it would take me years to get over. And now Im perfectly fine. It's just so weird.

hm... x_x Bad side is that I have fallen for someone now. And despite me trying to resist it with every fiber in my bone, it doesn't seems to end. Most worrying, I'll have to see if I can do something about it.

< Message edited by littlekitten1 -- 4/14/2012 8:32:01 AM >

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/14/2012 8:45:03 AM   
bighappygoth39


Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline 		After an absolutely vile relationship, I felt that it mostly made me realise exactly what I didn't want from an ideal future relationship. I knew I would eventually find the ideal person for me, so I decided that I just had to be patient and wait until the right person came along.

I know it sounds pretty corny, but I found that all of the 'it'll happen when you least expect it' comments I'd had from people in the past was exactly right.
I definitely felt that I was much, much happier being single and being able to focus on myself, and just see what came along.

I think people should be happy and content with their own company and focus on finding out exactly what they want from a relationship. It might make them sound fussy, but I don't feel that fussy is a bad thing.
In my experience, it certainly helps you find the right person to share your life with eventually, anyway.

You certainly sound like you're at a good point in your life now, so I'm sure that right person will turn up, and you'll be in a healthy state of mind which can only mean your relationship will thrive.
Good luck.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/14/2012 8:45:41 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		"Worrying is a misuse of the imagination." ~Dan Zadra

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