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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/14/2012 3:52:11 PM   
CarolBC


Posts: 18
Joined: 2/19/2012
Status: offline 		WestBay, this is so wonderful to read, I've read it several times just because it makes me feel good.

Before I met Jeff there were many times I despaired of ever finding someone who could offer me a rewarding relationship. I also knew there was no guarantee that I would, so I tried to pay attention to being happy as I was, by myself. Your post exemplifies everything I hoped to feel and discover.

I didn't meet Jeff until I was 39 and I had never felt 'in love'... not in The Big Way, or if I did feel it, it wasn't reciprocated. From the things Jeff has said, I think the results of my alone time 'being me' were a big part of what he found attractive. It put me on solid footing...comfortable in my own skin and pretty aware of who I was and confident about it. That didn't make me less submissive or wanting to please less - that's me. I think all of us - doms, subs, et al, have a bit of the chameleon in us. We react to the person we're with and it's easy to start to wonder who the 'real me' is. I think this particular time in your life when you are just being you is as valuable as diamonds. Kudos to you for appreciating the sparkle!

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I prefer to defer.

Married to JeffBC...but don't assume we think the same. Actually, you should assume we really DON'T think the same.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/14/2012 4:10:32 PM   
chelita30


Posts: 58
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline
quote:

I think the results of my alone time 'being me' were a big part of what he found attractive. It put me on solid footing...comfortable in my own skin and pretty aware of who I was and confident about it. That didn't make me less submissive or wanting to please less


I think that's where it's at, we actually have a better chance at a successful relationship once we can accept and live with ourselves. Men find that kind of self-confidence extremely alluring. But it ain't easy getting there! You've given me hope Carol - I don't think I've ever truly been in love before, but it may just be a matter of another few years...

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/14/2012 4:26:19 PM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline 		It's really very simple..."it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all".

You're a bright, sensitive, articulate, cute guy, 24 and blooming, coming into your own (no I'm not gay). Stay in this space as long as you feel good about it and are evolving. You'll know when the time/person is right to dabble back into relationships. Try and enjoy that for a while - I think most people don't belong in very long LTRs until after they turn 30.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/14/2012 11:40:09 PM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline
Thank you for all the answers posted!

quote:

ORIGINAL: chelita30

I am struggling myself with these issues at the moment - unfortunately I haven't come to the point you have and I must admit I'm quite envious. I find myself unhappy in relationships, with more lows than highs, often feeling smothered yet I also struggle being single. I've been thinking that perhaps it is a vicious circle. I feel bad being single, so I find a relationship for all the wrong reasons, which then means the relationship ultimately doesn't work out.


I was very much there a couple years ago ( aside from the single parent part ), yet I'm not sure what is different this time apart from the length and level of commitment involved in my last relationship. I'm not sure what changed after this particular break-up, but I just realized lately that most of my joys come from me, even when I'm with another.

In my last relationship we did almost everything together, yet those good nights out, the holidays, the intimate moments, yes, they involved another, but they weren't inherently his. They live on in my mind as good memories and happy times with him and without him, and by losing him I don't lose the good parts of that, and for the most part, I don't need him to get similar moments again. A beautiful walk in the forest is still a beautiful walk in the forest while alone.

When we first split everywhere I'd look I'd think "Oh, if only I could do this with him; get that for him."

Then I realized, "Hey, if I want that, why don't I just do that for me?"

So, if I saw a restaurant I liked, instead of wistfully imagining a romantic dinner that wasn't, I'd go and have that same dinner all by myself. And also realized it opened up new possibilities, too. ( My ex hated sushi - now I can get some for dinner, guilt-free! )

Apart from the physical, most of life's romance can be had on ones own.


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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/14/2012 11:52:46 PM   
VanessaChaland


Posts: 362
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		As the old saying goes, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. :)

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/14/2012 11:55:24 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chelita30
I think that's where it's at, we actually have a better chance at a successful relationship once we can accept and live with ourselves. Men find that kind of self-confidence extremely alluring. But it ain't easy getting there! You've given me hope Carol - I don't think I've ever truly been in love before, but it may just be a matter of another few years...

... or another few hours. I can absolutely guarantee you that I wasn't looking for a partner and I didn't expect to find one when I ran into Carol.

But I also think that in the end, the problem in finding a partner is typically in ourselves. Most of us meet lots and lots of people every day. There are truly lots of fish in the sea. I know that I had lots of growth to do before I was ready to be a suitable partner for a woman like Carol. I think it behooves us all to take the "time off" between relationships to do some personal growth. So while it's a very good idea to be [reasonably] comfortable with being by yourself, it's also a good idea to ponder the question:

So if I ran into the partner of my dreams, what would they be looking for in a partner? Am I that person?

In the end, that's the growth that Carol [unwittingly] did while she was waiting for me. She made herself into the self-aware, honest, and courageous woman that so attracted me there in that very first conversation. Those were the qualities that made me care about her deeply enough to "take her under my wing" even though I wasn't looking for a partner at all and didn't see her as one at the time.

NOTE: Carol would laugh at this because she envisioned the man of her dreams being a ponytail wearing bohemian hippy artist, not a corporate cog. So had she consciously tried to make herself into the perfect image of that she'd have gotten lots wrong. In fact, she was LOTS wrong for me. None of that mattered really in the face of the ways she was right.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/15/2012 12:02:27 PM   
msub4real


Posts: 13
Joined: 4/15/2012
Status: offline 		It should feel good to end a bad relationship, when you stop and think about it...

In my case I am sexually submissive and otherwise not, so for me it is easy to view the relationship as simply as whether it is on or off. My identity isn't dependent on my relationship status. I also don't want a relationship to continue past the point where the other person is no longer into it. If things get bad that means it's time to stop. Then it's good that it stopped. Just means it's time to move on. I walk out of bad movies, too.

(in reply to WestBaySlave)
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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/15/2012 12:31:21 PM   
GloriousMorning


Posts: 171
Joined: 3/18/2009
Status: offline 		This post feel nice. I've felt like that too, it's nice when these realizations hit. While I still go through the regular post breakup feelings and there are things about being in a relationship I miss, I have been single by choice the last few months, and never felt better about it than I do now. If I happen to meet the right person then that might change, but I feel great just being on my own for a while.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/15/2012 1:40:26 PM   
chelita30


Posts: 58
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline
quote:

Apart from the physical, most of life's romance can be had on ones own.




_____________________________

"When Christian Grey "rips through" Anastasia's virginity, she actually says "Argh!" like Jon finding out that Garfield has once again shredded the curtains"

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/15/2012 11:42:32 PM   
another1harder


Posts: 112
Joined: 3/11/2012
Status: offline 		WestBaySlave, Congratulations, you have found yourself. Many never find themselves. Be selfish. Keep yourself. Enjoy it while it lasts. Don[t negotiatie away with anything else.

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Sadist: Maybe.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/16/2012 8:50:40 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
Apart from the physical, most of life's romance can be had on ones own.

how fascinating that I would have said it exactly the opposite. All the physical stuff I can manage on my own. All the good stuff requires a [good] partner.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to WestBaySlave)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/16/2012 9:26:49 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
Apart from the physical, most of life's romance can be had on ones own.

how fascinating that I would have said it exactly the opposite. All the physical stuff I can manage on my own. All the good stuff requires a [good] partner.



I agree with Jeff. I thought about it a moment, and wondered if, even with a partner, a romantic venture of the mind could still be considered "on one's own" because it is still only my mind, not a shared journey.

But, in order to even get to a point of experiencing romance, I need someone to push me and to react to.

Interesting statements, though, Jeff and WestBaySlave. Both of them.


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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/16/2012 9:42:30 AM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		WestBay, you are in a great place in your life right now.  Being happy with yourself, and not desperately looking for your next relationship puts you in a position to make good choices.
When my long term marriage ended, I adopted the philosophy that the best way to get over one man is to find another one.  I was wrong, and I made some bad decisions and unsuitable choices.  Since you are in a place where you don't feel the need to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one, you have the opportunity to be choosy, and I hope you are.  Good luck and much happiness to you!


_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/16/2012 6:48:14 PM   
Soyokaze


Posts: 390
Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline 		I've thought about becoming a hermit after the failure of each of my major relationships. Something always ends up making me decide to try again though.

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/16/2012 7:11:19 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		WBS, I have taken a 3 year break from the scene, I came back to CM mostly for the forums, and am considering a little bit of getting back into the social scene... but I so understand where you are comming from. I am so unsure if I want to meet someone, I am just so happy with where I am in my life right now. I am living alone. I love living alone. I married young, I am mentally ill, for one reason or another, I have always lived with someone. Living alone is great! I eat when I'm hungry - I eat what I want, I sleep when I'm tired, I have total control of the remote. I don't even sound like a submissive there, do I? I have truly enjoyed service in every relationship I've been in, enjoyed bringing them joy and making them happy. But I am so entirely comfortable on my own right now.

And, I devoloped the 'Lottery rule'. See, I live in a building limited to people on SSI. And, I really love my tiny apartment. So, I've had to quit playing the lottery. Because, If I won, they'd kick me out of my lovely little apartment. And I don't want that. I love my apartment.
So, by extention, any man I got serious with, would needd to be, better than the lottery.

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“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

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RE: Better Off Alone? - 4/16/2012 11:53:35 PM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
Apart from the physical, most of life's romance can be had on ones own.

how fascinating that I would have said it exactly the opposite. All the physical stuff I can manage on my own. All the good stuff requires a [good] partner.

I have to agree here. While it's good to be comfortable, confident, and content in your own identity, sharing your life with the right person is what makes life beautiful and wonderful to me. Humans are social creatures. To me, a life--even a good one--lived alone with no one to share the good times and bad times with holds no point or purpose.

I'm of the opinion that you must learn to accept being alone before you can truly accomplish a healthy and happy relationship with the right person--but when that right person comes along, you understand that all that self-actualization and becoming a complete person was all just leading you up to this point and person. At least, that is how it is for me.

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Profile   Post #: 36
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