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Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 8:19:01 AM

lilmisssubmiss

Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
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I've had some bad experiences, but lol I'm learning from each one. I try to analyze things so I don't put myself in bad situations AGAIN.

So my question is, one of the dominants I served for over a year he had a wife, they were poly, ended up bullying me, treating me like shit, very mentally abusive, and ended up raping me in the end. I've gotten a lot of help for it, it was really hard for me to admit what happened that someone I loved did that to me.

Anyway, he labeled our relationship as toxic on both sides... this was after a year I saw him go through a slave that he said was toxic and even a younger girl who worked for them and said that work relationship turned toxic also. He had a lot to say about toxic relationships, such as having so much anger for his ex wife. My question is, if someone seems to have a history of 'toxic relationships'.... i should have thought " oh hey i might be next." I think next time I will run away from someone who has a long line of toxic relationships ...what are your thoughts? Or is that part of life? Personally, I've never been involved with people who are toxic, except him, so it's fair to say he was probably the problem. Would I be wrong to judge someone based on that aspect though if I see that pattern happening?

I guess I beat myself up about it, I was too enthralled with him to get out at first, i really loved him, but that was one of the biggest warning signs. I think how one treat others says a lot about how that person will treat you.

Post #: 1

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 8:26:08 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss
I guess I beat myself up about it, I was too enthralled with him to get out at first, i really loved him, but that was one of the biggest warning signs. I think how one treat others says a lot about how that person will treat you.

There's an old saying: when you're on that first dinner date, pay attention to how he treats the waiter, not how he treats you.

Almost anyone can be nice when they want a favor, or want to see your vajayjayjay. How do they treat people they don't need anything from, or "take for granted?" That will give you a better indication of who they are when the mask is off.

I'm sorry you had to learn this in that particular way. If it helps any, if you think of any person (on these boards or anywhere else) who usually gives great advice, that person probably had to pay for that understanding, and not in cash.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 2

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 8:34:52 AM

lilmisssubmiss

Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
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That helps, you are right, I will keep that in mind. Thank you!

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Post #: 3

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 8:56:27 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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*shrugs* Obviously, what you two think of as a "master" is not what I do. I'm gathering this was "bedroom only" D/s... top and bottom stuff? Because if his authority stretched outside the bedroom then the phrase "the buck stops here" comes into play.

As Redmagic said, I pay very close attention to how people talk about their past relationships and lovers. If I hear a string of badness, I know that there's LOTS of things wrong with the person who's talking to me... not simply one. Ditto with a string of goodness. I'm looking for someone who can relate their past with some degree of objectivity.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Post #: 4

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 9:49:53 AM

supragenius

Posts: 46
Joined: 4/13/2012
Status: offline

i thikn youll probably make the same mistakes again b/c thats what peole tend to do which is really sad

:(

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Post #: 5

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 9:59:31 AM

JanahX

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Joined: 8/21/2010
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quote:

what are your thoughts? Or is that part of life? Personally, I've never been involved with people who are toxic, except him, so it's fair to say he was probably the problem. Would I be wrong to judge someone based on that aspect though if I see that pattern happening?

There was something in him that attracted him to you - so he is not all of the problem. The problem rests on that IT factor that you may be attracted to drama filled people.

People can only treat you like shit if you allow it - period. If you see someone that youre in a relationship with treating someone else like shit (and its unwarranted) - you dont have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

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Post #: 6

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 10:04:57 AM

Baroana

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Joined: 11/13/2011
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Is this the same guy that accused you of half murdering his wife by stabbing her in the v-j-j with your fingers?

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Post #: 7

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 10:57:40 AM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
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Look, I don't know the details here, but when someone says they repeatedly end up in toxic relationships, it really does beg the question of what is wrong with them that they either repeatedly attract the wrong sort of person, or repeatedly are unable to make something work with someone.

Regardless, move on, not just physically as you have, but emotionally. Not all people are toxic. Not all relationships have to be toxic. Search for what you actually want rather than what superficially appears to be what you want.

I can't fall in love with the superficial side of someone. I can get infatuated within the first two seconds of meeting someone. But love? Love requires that I know them inside and out. And someone who is not a kind person is not someone I could ever fall in love with. You might want to look into yourself to understand what you mean by "love" and why you would have fallen in "love" with someone like this.

< Message edited by fucktoyprincess -- 4/14/2012 10:58:09 AM >

_____________________________

~ ftp

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Post #: 8

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 11:10:22 AM

geekgamegirl

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Joined: 3/5/2012
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I find there's a good old standby to remember when someone tells you that nearly every relationship they've had has ended badly in some way - particularly if the person is adamant that the problem wasn't anything to do on their part. "look for the common denominator" - the common denominator is all those bad relationships was that guy.

Sane, reasonable people know that they've screwed up a realtionship and been a contributing factor to the breakdown; they're usually a little too embarrassed about their own shortcomings to constantly point the finger blame at the other person. Sure there's exceptions such as lying, cheating etc, but I tend to find reasonable people do wonder what they've done wrong as well.

People who do say that its all the fault of others are people you should look out for as they obviously have no sense of personal responsibility and are not people you want to be around, much less in charge of a spanking paddle let alone anything else.

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)

Post #: 9

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 11:16:06 AM

supragenius

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Joined: 4/13/2012
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yeah your right but your more wrongn

theres some people who always say "oh thats my fault" and it always is theyre fault and tehn they go and do the same thing again and say "oh my fault" again and after the 99th time you stop givign them credit for accurately pointing out its their fault bc it just turns into some sissyfuss type bullshit

quote:

ORIGINAL: geekgamegirl

I find there's a good old standby to remember when someone tells you that nearly every relationship they've had has ended badly in some way - particularly if the person is adamant that the problem wasn't anything to do on their part. "look for the common denominator" - the common denominator is all those bad relationships was that guy.

Sane, reasonable people know that they've screwed up a realtionship and been a contributing factor to the breakdown; they're usually a little too embarrassed about their own shortcomings to constantly point the finger blame at the other person. Sure there's exceptions such as lying, cheating etc, but I tend to find reasonable people do wonder what they've done wrong as well.

People who do say that its all the fault of others are people you should look out for as they obviously have no sense of personal responsibility and are not people you want to be around, much less in charge of a spanking paddle let alone anything else.

(in reply to geekgamegirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 11:33:31 AM

geekgamegirl

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Joined: 3/5/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: supragenius

yeah your right but your more wrongn

theres some people who always say "oh thats my fault" and it always is theyre fault and tehn they go and do the same thing again and say "oh my fault" again and after the 99th time you stop givign them credit for accurately pointing out its their fault bc it just turns into some sissyfuss type bullshit

Then direct them to the wisdom of Mr. Albert Einstien to lead them to an epiphany of their ways. If they don't see it then move on and find other things to worry your pretty little head about, pretty simple.

(in reply to supragenius)

Post #: 11

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 11:35:51 AM

lizi

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Joined: 2/1/2009
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There is a very fine line between stereotyping someone, and paying attention to them. Put another way, we'd be stupid to expect someone to do something different if they almost always follow a certain behavioral path, but it seems wrong doesn't it to slam someone into a box and not leave room for them to step outside of it?

I find that people are generally hesitant to pronounce verdicts upon others, but in shying away from doing that, they don't pay attention to what that person is showing them. An example is a friend who always goes back for more crap in a relationship because he/she can't seem to actually put their SO into that category which says they're an abusive asshole, that friend always wants to leave the door open for a possible change. They always seem to think it's bad somehow to stereotype, which it is, but then where do you draw the line and call it stereotyping or call it paying attention? If I am constantly late, it's fair isn't it to assume that I'll be late again? Where the magic line is between making a wrong assumption and making a fair one I don't exactly know, but I do feel that many people ignore facts that are right in front of their face because they think somehow that making any assumptions at all is bad.

I do think it's easier in the beginning of things to pick up on red flags, warnings, or signs that someone isn't right for us. Before we get invested into them emotionally it seems that we're better at picking up on the information that they're putting out. I don't think it's wrong at all to judge someone on their patterns at all, I think it's rather stupid to ignore the information that they're putting out about themselves. I do think that how someone treats another is how he/she will treat you....are you the only person in their life that will be different? As much as we'd like to think differently, the answer is most often no- we will be treated like anyone else.

In my case I've never been abused, but there are little things I've picked on in several relationships that told me to move on. In one case I spent a few months with a lovely man who called me regularly and would then sit on the phone expecting me to do all the talking. I started taking notes throughout the day and keeping them in my pocket for when he'd call and then realized wtf? How was this man going to keep my interest in months to come? I let him go. Another good candidate when we got to talking family let several details be known to me about how he treated his children, which didn't sit well with me, and he was out the door as well. Another man that I was crazy for cancelled on me too many times and left me hanging. Had every excuse in the book the next time we'd talk, but really what kind of life would that be? In all of those cases I could have stuck with the person thinking and hoping things would change, but in the end they were things of importance and it was good I paid attention to them and didn't waste my time investing in something that wouldn't work out.

I say pay attention -especially at first. Yes, watch for things that tell you about someone and learn from them, I don't understand why it is bad to learn from what others are telling us about themselves - it seems rather stupid not to.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 12

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 11:40:55 AM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
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Good for you, lizi.

The OP doesn't possess half as much good judgment. We know this from previous posts. For many of us, it comes with being young.

This is one of those threads that makes me want to say...

http://youtu.be/e-i7rz9CsIM

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 13

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 11:53:34 AM

lizi

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Joined: 2/1/2009
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Oh...I wanted to add something. There is a book called Blink by Malcolm Gladwell that explains that we are constantly gathering data in our heads, although we're not aware of it all. What our brains do is present us with an information summary while the bulk of the information that was gathered stays in the background. Which is why we get ideas that we call hunches or guesses, in reality they are anything but - those hunches are hard collections of facts. It feels capricious and unstable when we get a glimmer of understanding in a situation, but this feeling is actually a collection of data and anything but capricious and unstable.

Pay attention to the thoughts that you have. Your brain is telling you something. If you find yourself feeling uneasy, there is a data bank of reasons why that is happening. Don't pass it off by telling yourself that you're being silly, or think that you are somehow not being fair to someone.

The book isn't long, read it and you'll gain a lot of insight into why people make the decisions they do and what they should pay attention to at what time. I gained a lot of that knowledge from living life. You're young, why not get the same knowledge now?

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 14

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 12:27:03 PM

Bhruic

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From: Toronto, Canada
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There is a great Despair.com poster that reads "The common element in all of your unsatisfying relationships is you". I suspect that fellow was the source of the toxins, less so the variety of different people he blames it on.

... well I see geekgamegirl basically said this already. But it bears repeating :)

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 4/14/2012 12:29:08 PM >

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 15

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 1:06:33 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

Please don't get hung up on the word Toxic. It was this guys favorite word. The next toxic guy might never even say the word.

While you are in the corrospondance stage, long before you ever meet, ask him about his exes. Ask him esp about why any marriages or collarings would end. Some things have to end, but his attitude about those endings will tell you alot about if you and he are compatable. And, specifically, if it was all that Bitches fault - esp if that is true of more than one Bitch - then plan on being the next Bitch, if you hang around.

Also, listen while he tells you his life history. you will seem like a nice, sympathetic good listener, and you'll learn a ton. If there is a lot of old anger there, beware. Anger is a toxic emotion. Someone with unresolved anger issues does not get to come close to my naked body with a crop. Just sayin'.

Lastly, listen to the stories of his failures in life. We all have failures, that's not the issue. but who's fault are they. Adults take personal responsible for thier mistakes, learn from them and mmove on. Perpetual adulescnes always find someone else to blame. They linger on the stories of past failures and hurts, and always blame someone else. Often they are very grandoise about what could have been, if only that person hadn't gotten in the way.

Good luck in your continueing search.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

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Post #: 16

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 2:43:45 PM

Karmastic

Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

I've had some bad experiences, but lol I'm learning from each one. I try to analyze things so I don't put myself in bad situations AGAIN.

So my question is, one of the dominants I served for over a year he had a wife, they were poly, ended up bullying me, treating me like shit, very mentally abusive, and ended up raping me in the end. I've gotten a lot of help for it, it was really hard for me to admit what happened that someone I loved did that to me.

Anyway, he labeled our relationship as toxic on both sides... this was after a year I saw him go through a slave that he said was toxic and even a younger girl who worked for them and said that work relationship turned toxic also. He had a lot to say about toxic relationships, such as having so much anger for his ex wife. My question is, if someone seems to have a history of 'toxic relationships'.... i should have thought " oh hey i might be next." I think next time I will run away from someone who has a long line of toxic relationships ...what are your thoughts? Or is that part of life? Personally, I've never been involved with people who are toxic, except him, so it's fair to say he was probably the problem. Would I be wrong to judge someone based on that aspect though if I see that pattern happening?

I guess I beat myself up about it, I was too enthralled with him to get out at first, i really loved him, but that was one of the biggest warning signs. I think how one treat others says a lot about how that person will treat you.

Don't beat yourself up, because you're spot on. You were excited by his danger, and made a mistake. You've obviously learned from it, so be confident in that and move on with that knowledge.

I agreed with a lot of the prior advice...suffice to say that yes, birds of a feather flock together. He's fucked up, and thrives with people who confuse submission with being treated in a fucked up manner by an asshole.

I edited this just to make it clear, that yes, as someone said b4, HE is the common denominator, he's the problem. He was brought up in toxic relationships, and he seeks out those who want toxic relationships, because that's normal to them. You certainly saw the warning signs, but for what ever reasons (liked his danger and edge, let your emotions blind you, Etc.), you took a chance anyway.

And you paid the price. Now it's time to move on and not second guess yourself.

< Message edited by Karmastic -- 4/14/2012 2:51:07 PM >

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Post #: 17

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 3:32:00 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

I've had some bad experiences, but lol I'm learning from each one. I try to analyze things so I don't put myself in bad situations AGAIN.

So my question is, one of the dominants I served for over a year he had a wife, they were poly, ended up bullying me, treating me like shit, very mentally abusive, and ended up raping me in the end. I've gotten a lot of help for it, it was really hard for me to admit what happened that someone I loved did that to me.

Anyway, he labeled our relationship as toxic on both sides... this was after a year I saw him go through a slave that he said was toxic and even a younger girl who worked for them and said that work relationship turned toxic also. He had a lot to say about toxic relationships, such as having so much anger for his ex wife. My question is, if someone seems to have a history of 'toxic relationships'.... i should have thought " oh hey i might be next." I think next time I will run away from someone who has a long line of toxic relationships ...what are your thoughts? Or is that part of life? Personally, I've never been involved with people who are toxic, except him, so it's fair to say he was probably the problem. Would I be wrong to judge someone based on that aspect though if I see that pattern happening?

I guess I beat myself up about it, I was too enthralled with him to get out at first, i really loved him, but that was one of the biggest warning signs. I think how one treat others says a lot about how that person will treat you.

We all live and learn. One point that struck me was his apparent willingness to freely play the "toxic" card. To admit it as his personal flaw, too....

It reminded me of those who freely say "sorry". Or the mob guys who go to church every Sunday.... That there's no real belief or sincerity in the action so much as an easy means of sanitising or excusing what little guilt/remorse they actually have. To wipe the slate like it never happened....

And like the "sorry" brigade, he really is toxic. Good riddance, I say!

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 18

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/14/2012 3:37:19 PM

Pyramus

Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
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quote:

on that first dinner date, pay attention to how he treats the waiter,

A Pakistani friend told me something similar. He said the measure of a man can be taken by how he reaches for the communal food when there isn't enough to go around.

As for the OP: Think of it this way. How many relationships does an average person have in a lifetime? Then, how many fail? Of those that fail, how many were bad?

In most cases, the numbers are high for the relationships yet zero to maybe zero to one or two which were 'toxic' (if any).. In his case, all (it appears) were toxic.

Face it: You didn't have a chance.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 19

RE: Just trying to piece it together - 4/15/2012 1:24:26 PM

lilmisssubmiss

Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline

Yes, he uses the word toxic very freely... i find that very ....alarming. Good point.

(in reply to Pyramus)

Post #: 20

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