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Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/16/2012 9:00:09 PM

josiebelle

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/31/2012
Status: offline

I met someone on here who is intriguing, firm, sexy and patient. He lives in Canada and I'm here in OR, so we're doing the Yahoo thang, and it's been going on basically all last week, all day except when we're sleeping. Good beginnings, right?

I was sick with a sinus headache on Saturday morning, the last day we chatted. He told me to buy some things that would help to remind me who I belong to. I fell asleep after that, and went shopping later in the day, but due to the headache, I forgot the items.
My punishment for forgetting was clothes pins in a certain area. I looked for the ones I thought I had, (left overs from my last relationship), but I had tossed them and all the other toys and stuff when I moved.

I messaged him this, expressing my sorrow for not having the clothes pins, early that evening. He wasn't online, but I did an offline message.

I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if he's just fed up with my unpreparedness and is not talking to me, if I've been released, or if there was a thunderstorm and his electricity was knocked out. No communicating for a couple days wouldn't bother me except that, as I said, we were in constant contact last week, damn near 15 hrs a day.

Did I screw up? Am I worrying needlessly?

< Message edited by josiebelle -- 4/16/2012 9:14:15 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Is My Dom AWOL? - 4/16/2012 9:05:56 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

Sounds like his wife's back in town. Neeeeeeeeeext.......!!

(in reply to josiebelle)

Post #: 2

RE: Is My Dom AWOL? - 4/16/2012 9:09:58 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

There's so much I could say here but I will just offer this up. In my opinion, if you have done something wrong (if you "screwed up") and your dominant partner leaves you confused as to whether you have screwed up or not, or if he starts with the silent treatment and leaves no explanation as to why, then he is not a dominant partner. And I have to add - if you're having fun with it, then good on you. But if you're willing to engage in those types of activities and consider yourself in a relationship from which you need to be "released" after only a week of yahoo messaging, then truly...don't knock yourself out worrying over this. You'll find plenty more just like him. Give it a few minutes.

(in reply to josiebelle)

Post #: 3

RE: Is My Dom AWOL? - 4/16/2012 9:14:21 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: josiebelle
we're doing the Yahoo thang, and it's been going on basically all last week, all day except when we're sleeping. Good beginnings, right?

That doesn't sound like a good beginning to me. It sounds like building a castle in the air.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to josiebelle)

Post #: 4

RE: Is My Dom AWOL? - 4/16/2012 9:17:43 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

I'm thinking the OP is coming down off her very first case of "Sub Frenzy".

Take a deep breath. Relax. It wasn't anything you intentionally did. Your dominant may or may not still be interested but if he isn't, you have saved yourslef a lot of anguish. Get to know someone before you allow obsession to set in and you'll be a lot better off in the long run.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 5

RE: Is My Dom AWOL? - 4/16/2012 9:20:42 PM

Anaxagoras

Posts: 3086
Joined: 5/9/2009
From: Eire
Status: offline

Try not to invest too much in online stuff as it could be upsetting in the long run. He may be engaging in some online fantasy away from his real life or may be genuine but if the latter its odd he didn't even send a quick email to you - could be trying to punish you but that seems doubtful. I suggest playing it a bit slowly until you may have a chance to meet.

< Message edited by Anaxagoras -- 4/16/2012 9:25:16 PM >

_____________________________

"That woman, as nature has created her, and man at present is educating her, is man's enemy. She can only be his slave or his despot, but never his companion." (Venus in Furs)

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 6

RE: Is My Dom AWOL? - 4/16/2012 9:26:15 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

His wife caught him
He was looking for some cybersex and fun

He's over it now and has moved on.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Anaxagoras)

Post #: 7

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 4:04:33 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Did I screw up?

Yes. If you were a good girl, you would have gone back out, despite being sick, and purchased the clothespins so you could properly punish yourself for not buying the things to help you remember to whom you belong because that should have been your # 1 priority while being sick.

Or...you could put down your sub frenzy and not take instruction until you have met someone face to face and establish enough rapport to determine that he is not going to abandon you at the drop of a hat (or when his wife comes back.)

(in reply to josiebelle)

Post #: 8

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 6:45:55 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Talking to someone on line for a week does not a relationship make. If you are willing to take orders (even though you call them "instructions") from someone you have never met and have only communicated through instant messenger, you need to step back and ask yourself how desperate for a relationship you are.

ETA:

I just glanced at your profile. You are 54 years old, not some twentysomething with no life experience. You really need to do some self examination before entering into a relationship.

< Message edited by LafayetteLady -- 4/17/2012 6:47:42 AM >

(in reply to josiebelle)

Post #: 9

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 7:06:02 AM

SadisticMs2

Posts: 203
Joined: 8/10/2011
Status: offline

You were both playing online games. He stopped when it was no longer fun for him.

Anything else?

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 10

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 7:08:48 AM

risktaker9

Posts: 197
Joined: 3/10/2010
Status: offline

My first answer was that his wife found out which was already mentioned as well as some other good advice. Honestly if what happened here in your description does bother him, then I'd say he's a passive aggressive kind of guy - I mean who lets you know what their expectations are by letting you try to figure it out on your own? Especially in a relationship that has components of leadership and taking control? How would he be leading you or taking control by withdrawing and letting your brain wonder if he had electricity? So basically, if he is disappointed and playing the silent game I think it's good that you're seeing this now and can see if he will work for you.

FYI, whenever someone just withdraws, it's not because there was a car accident or storm in the area, although I know it's tempting to think so, I've done it myself till I catch on to how silly it sounds. Remember Occam's Razor- the simplest explanation will most often be the correct one. Which is why people have said his wife found out...simplest explanation to explain why you'd go from 100 mph to 0. Him being married is especially likely in a long distance online type of thing.

(in reply to josiebelle)

Post #: 11

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 7:17:34 AM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: josiebelle
I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if he's just fed up with my unpreparedness and is not talking to me, if I've been released, or if there was a thunderstorm and his electricity was knocked out. No communicating for a couple days wouldn't bother me except that, as I said, we were in constant contact last week, damn near 15 hrs a day.

Did I screw up? Am I worrying needlessly?

Anytime I've ever been concerned that someone had not gotten ahold of me due to an "emergency" situation that might have arisen, it has never turned out to be the case. Today, more than ever, we have a multitude of ways to reach someone if we really want to.

I know nothing about this man's personal situation, so I am not going to speculate. What I do know from what you've described is that he went from being full-on interested to cooling off. It happens. For any number of reasons. Who knows. And usually when someone cools off on someone like that it is almost always because of things going on on their end NOT because of something you did.

So, my honest, heartfelt advice, is to stop beating yourself up over this, literally and figuratively, and move on. The one thing that you know with 100% certainty is that this man is not kind. Is that who you really want to be with? There is a huge difference between a Dominant sadist (and I've known several in my life) and an unkind man. Consider yourself lucky to learn this about his personality so early on. A week of cyber time is nothing in the grand scheme of life.

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to josiebelle)

Post #: 12

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 7:55:17 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

There are so many red flags here it's hard to count them all, but let me try.

1) You've only known this guy a week, yet you seem to be committed, enough to message him all day long, agree to belong to him (are you even clear as to what that means, both in general and to you two as a couple?), agree to go out and buy things (basically perform a task for him) and I assume have copious cyber sex.

2) Have you ever talked to him by phone, skype, or on cam? In other words, has your relationship been entirely text on a screen? B/c text on a screen is very easy to fake. And when I say fake, I mean perform pretend dominance, feelings, communication, mutual trust and commitment, etc. All that good stuff that real life relationships are made of. Text only means a total lack of any non verbal communication cues, and guess what? Your mind (quite naturally) fills in the blanks. Which means you don't have a relationship with a person, you have one with your own fantasies. It's why it can seem so great, but, you know, in reality it's not.

3) Someone who is truly interested in you, and not merely some cyber pussy (however kink filled) will take the time to get to know you as a person. He won't rush into things, b/c his primary goal is to establish a mutual foundation of trust and respect. You don't form that in a week.

4) Someone who is truly interested in your will have a goal to move from text only to phone or some other getting to know communication, as soon as trust has been established. Not for better cyber sex, BTW, but to get to know the real you, and to communicate more effectively their real selves.

5) Someone who is truly interested in you, does not fall off the face of the earth a/o completely disrupt normal communication patterns with no warning. When someone is important to you, you do what is necessary to communicate, a/o have a back up plan in place so you don't leave the other person hanging. I mean shesh, when I was DJing, I lost my internet connection and went to the library to inform my boss of the situation, since he wasn't answering his cell. DJing was a real commitment to me, and any person of integrity will honor real commitments or at the very least explain why they can't.

6) If your s-type does not please you, you explain why. If they have disappointed you, you explain why. You don't expect someone to read your mind across cyber space.
If you give them a task to fulfill, it is with the knowledge that real life might interfere. In the early stages of a long distance relationship this is most especially true, as you might not know enough about the person to know what is reasonable to expect. You might want someone to run out and buy some new clothespins on Saturday, which seems very reasonable to me, but what if I don't know you are working a double shift on Sat, and have already committed to making cupcakes for one of your kid's functions, and the dog is sick.....you get the drift. A dominant who cares about you will *always* take real life into consideration.

7) Ignoring your s-type is TO ME never a fit form of punishment unless they have been warned about it in advance. For instance, you might be told to calm down, slow down, try to curb your overly emotional responses, and if you don't /can't, you will be ignored for a specific time period, like 20 minutes or an hour. You don't just ignore someone for days with no warning. This is not how anyone goes about building a good relationship.

I could probably go on, but I'll stop here. Please understand my intentions in this post are not to make you feel bad, but to (re)educate you about how good relationships begin and progress. BDSM relationships are like any other, if you want them to last, you build a good foundation.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 4/17/2012 7:58:33 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to josiebelle)

Post #: 13

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 7:58:28 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

ChatteParfaitt nailed a lot of them. But she omitted one, IMO: a relationship based solely on sex fetishes alone won't last. He as a Dom is supposed to have your welfare and best interests at heart. If his jollies are more important to him than you getting rest when sick, he's just a wanker. As MDA says, likely a married one.

Edited to add: Her "Dom's" profile talks about how great online relationships are and then says about prospective submissives: "her PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP WILL NEVER BE INTERFERRED WITH NORE her RELATIONSHIP WITH CHILDREN AND FRIENDS. "

josiebelle, if he's satisfied with online only and tries to sell subs on how fulfilling it can be, he's married. If he says he's fine with a married woman and won't interfere with her primary relationship, he's DEFINITELY married.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 4/17/2012 8:03:53 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 14

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 8:02:51 AM

DomMeinCT

Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: josiebelle

I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if he's just fed up with my unpreparedness and is not talking to me, if I've been released, or if there was a thunderstorm and his electricity was knocked out. No communicating for a couple days wouldn't bother me except that, as I said, we were in constant contact last week, damn near 15 hrs a day.

Did I screw up? Am I worrying needlessly?

Ask yourself: Why would you jump to the conclusion that there was a thunderstorm and his electricity was knocked out (for days?!?), rather than his wife caught him?

We all believe what we want to believe, but as you've seen from the well-meaning responses, this guy's behavior followed a well-known virtual path.

Win your real-life back and meet someone in the flesh.

_____________________________

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ Carl Jung

(in reply to josiebelle)

Post #: 15

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 8:04:45 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Thank you DS. I think that point was *implied* by my post, but you are correct, it needs to be overtly stated.

Sex only, even kinky sex, does not make for a long term relationship, which needs some breadth and dept to last.

BTW, big waves to your girl, who I have seen posting on the forums. She's cute as a button (and feisty as well, why would I enjoy that?) and you two are just fabulous together !!

_____________________________

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 16

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 8:10:32 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Great catch, DS, I hadn't even looked at her profile. She's still "under consideration."

Hunnie, he's married or attached, that is clear from his profile. When someone wants online only it means he's attached AND he's just into the fantasy aspects, and fantasies go "poof" in the night.

_____________________________

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 17

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 8:17:57 AM

risktaker9

Posts: 197
Joined: 3/10/2010
Status: offline

Ok, I went to read his profile, yeah, he's married. To be fair, maybe the OP knows he's married. It's an online thing after all and they are in different countries, maybe neither one cares. Maybe she is married too.

Although if she knew he was married, i'd think she'd not be surprised if he dropped off the face of the earth for a time. I'm voting that he disappeared due to the wife, how could he spend 15 hrs a day in contact with the OP and keep the wife unaware? Maybe the wife came home from a trip over the weekend and he can't keep up the contact now.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 18

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 8:19:17 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

josiebelle, if he's satisfied with online only and tries to sell subs on how fulfilling it can be, he's married. If he says he's fine with a married woman and won't interfere with her primary relationship, he's DEFINITELY married.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 19

RE: Is My Dom Disappointed With Me?? - 4/17/2012 8:19:39 AM

DomMeinCT

Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: risktaker9

Maybe the wife came home from a trip over the weekend and he can't keep up the contact now.

She came home to find laundry piled up, the sink overflowing with dirty dishes, and the lawn needs mowing, but a big indent in the chair in front of the computer. He's busy.

< Message edited by DomMeinCT -- 4/17/2012 8:21:08 AM >

_____________________________

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ Carl Jung

(in reply to risktaker9)

Post #: 20

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