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ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 1:38:59 AM

billybobsub

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/1/2010
Status: offline

Hello,

This is my first post on the message board. I hope it raises a discussion.

Recently i have been speaking to a wonderful domme who i considered my friend. We have tried a few times to have a relationship bdsm wise but it never quite worked. We do have a strong connection and have kept in contact for some years. Even though we live opposite sides of the world.

We have been discussing our past and why it did not work out. We have talk about mental domming and psychical domming. Ma'am seeked a Sub that is a lifestyle sub, someone without the dramas and the need for games. Someone who is not a brat and does not need that sense of drama. Through our discussion i found out that i am all the things she does not want from a sub. i know i can be bratty, that i need the drama and the games sometimes. i can be high maintenance and i might need a more sadist driven Domme. However i know i am loyal and understanding and that I want to be a sub and i want to serve. But i am not a lifestyle sub. i never really understood the difference till now. I think the realisation of knowing what you are, even though you might not like that about yourself can be very invigorating. I also realise i am not a club type exhibitionist sub either. I have always enjoyed the intimacy of that one and one connection.

I Hope you are not thinking i am a sub with the word want want want in my head. This is more an understanding with who we are, how we interact and why things do not work out with certain people. Even though you have strong feelings of friendship, loyalty and understanding.

I guess want i am getting at is what are peoples experience with finding and having a sub. The dome is in the driving seat. but if the sub is not wired the way the dome wants. is that the end? Do you have experiences?

looking back is so important to move forward. i understand that more than anything now.

Thank you,

nick

Post #: 1

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 1:56:45 AM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

It is really just like any other relationship of any kind. Some people find compromise. Some people walk away. But there really is no difference, only the question of what are you looking to gain from this interaction, and really, it works both ways.

For example, you're hiring someone to do a webpage for you, or paint your house. You talk to a few people and go with the one you like best, and if for whatever reason you have doubt or do not like their work, you get someone else. On the other hand, you have the typical starcrossed love thing, where you meet someone and you love being with them, eventhough they're dem and you're rep, or support opposing baseball teams, or have little habits that drive you insane. And sometimes, you start with one intended type of relationship and it changes. You enjoy the office company of that slightly ditzy receptionist so much you hire her instead of the more efficient applicant. Or your romantic "I can put up with this for love" situation turns into a situation you can't put up with no matter how much you want it to. So, it all depends. On what the participants want out of the interaction, and what they continue to expect and want out of it.

(in reply to billybobsub)

Post #: 2

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 2:41:03 AM

billybobsub

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/1/2010
Status: offline

Hello Alecta,

thank you for your response. yes i completely understand and agree. I guess its about not jumping in and talking more, finding out what kind of domme and sub you are, not jumping in too quick so both parties have some understanding.

I like you said something relationship are like a firework that only last a short time while others have distance.

being open and knowing ones needs is tough since you don't want to be a want want want sub, it seems like a fine line.

(in reply to Alecta)

Post #: 3

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 2:57:34 AM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

I feel that the difference between a sub expressing what they know about themselves and being a "want want want" sub is in what the sub expects the Dom to do with that information.

The sub that tells me how s/he generally responds to spanking, for example, is simply telling me something they know about themselves. The one who feels that I should spank him/her (just) because they respond a certain way to it is the wanting (what a pun!) sub who only cares about meeting his/her needs. Regardless of how a sub feels about spankings, it should always be the Dom/me's decision whether or not to employ it, and when. That's sort of the point after all, isn't it?

(in reply to billybobsub)

Post #: 4

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 3:29:33 AM

billybobsub

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/1/2010
Status: offline

yes that is the point. very much so. i think we are all prone to say what we want sometimes, it can go from one to the other. makes it more interesting too!

I have have a friend who has a dog, sometimes i look at them and i struggle to see who owns who!

(in reply to Alecta)

Post #: 5

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 3:59:20 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Welcome to the discussion side of Cm, billybob.

You didn't merely stick your toe in to test the waters, you plunged right in with your own thread. Bravo !!

An excellent topic and one I will try to address.

First, when it comes to relationships, you have to deal with people, not their titles (lifestyle sub) or roles (more sadistic driven domme). And each individual is different. so how you deal with them is different.

When it comes to compatibility between two people, I look at their sense of integrity and humor, their intelligence, and their interests. Are these things compatible?

Then their are hard limits. If one of yours is watersports, and your domme loves them, I would say you are not compatible. B/c in the end, the dominant individual is going to want what they want. This is human nature.

As far as your statement: I'm not a lifestyle sub, what exactly do you mean? How I would define that, you define it, and someone else define it are all different.

If you are interested in a *relationship* with this woman, as opposed to play partners, then you are a lifestyle sub, to me. People DO evolve over time. I started out as basically a service top.

Only you can decide if this woman in a good match for you. But let me tell you this: I don't begin relationships with these kinds of preconceived notions. I get to know a person; I let them get to know me, I try to lay a good foundation of trust and respect. The relationship will flow as it will from there.

Hope this helps, CP

_____________________________

(in reply to billybobsub)

Post #: 6

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 4:04:34 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Hi, billybobsub. Welcome to collarme.

First off, I'm not a Domme. But I'll throw in my two cents worth.

I looked at your profile and it's clear that you want kink play in bed. But it's not that clear what kind of relationship you want outside of bed.

I know you don't want public play, so I assume you don't want to go to play parties. But do check out munches. They're nothing more than kinky people meeting and chatting - no play.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to billybobsub)

Post #: 7

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 7:10:13 AM

billybobsub

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/1/2010
Status: offline

Hello

Thank you Chatteparfaitt.

yes some really interesting point here. I did not write the topic to talk about me self and how i view the domme i am referencing too. We have gone down the path ands stayed friends which i am very happy about.

It seems to me that preconceived notions are the issue. allows one to give time before jumping into something both parties no nothing about. I think i speak for a lot subs who are to busy trying to find a mistress to think that maybe they have a choice. The fact that a mistress talks back to them is enough for them to start wanted more. i know this is a huge mistake. But within this lifestyle i know it happens more often than not. players, fakers, money scammers do dilute the situation. I was reading a topic earlier explained how one sub was being blackmailed for having their cam recorded. Its crazy people are willing to do such things without a proper indepth conversation. a relationship and a quick fix do not go hand in hand.

When i say lifestyle sub, i guess i mean i am more of a player than i realised. I guess i see a lifestyle sub who lives and breath being a sub 24/7, where as i conflict with it, needing the game and the drama bait more. maybe i am using the title in the wrong way.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 8

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 7:13:51 AM

billybobsub

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/1/2010
Status: offline

Hello Dark seven,

thank you for writing.

i appreciate your comments. Yes munches are a good. i see the point. I think it really depends how involved we want to be with the bdsm world. This topic is not really about me finding a mistress, it is more to do with the interaction with dome and sub. the needs of both parties and how they work or conflict with one another.

nick

(in reply to billybobsub)

Post #: 9

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 5:34:35 PM

subbyinlosangele

Posts: 117
Joined: 1/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: billybobsub

I guess want i am getting at is what are peoples experience with finding and having a sub. The dome is in the driving seat. but if the sub is not wired the way the dome wants. is that the end? Do you have experiences?

Yes, the domme is in the driver's seat, but ultimately if the sub doesn't like where she's driving to, he's going to get out of the car. Or if the domme senses the sub isn't enjoying the trip at some point she's going to stop the car and tell him to get out.

I don't know if that's different than any other relationships. If you don't have a core compatibility, it isn't going to last. There might be compromises and negotiations. But at a basic level it's either there or not.

If a domme is always struggling to do get the sub to act like he wants, and if the sub is often dissatisfied with his place in the relationship, it won't last. You can guide people, but you can't change them.

(in reply to billybobsub)

Post #: 10

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 5:42:41 PM

subbyinlosangele

Posts: 117
Joined: 1/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: billybobsub

Hello

Thank you Chatteparfaitt.

yes some really interesting point here. I did not write the topic to talk about me self and how i view the domme i am referencing too. We have gone down the path ands stayed friends which i am very happy about.

It seems to me that preconceived notions are the issue. allows one to give time before jumping into something both parties no nothing about. I think i speak for a lot subs who are to busy trying to find a mistress to think that maybe they have a choice. The fact that a mistress talks back to them is enough for them to start wanted more. i know this is a huge mistake. But within this lifestyle i know it happens more often than not. players, fakers, money scammers do dilute the situation. I was reading a topic earlier explained how one sub was being blackmailed for having their cam recorded. Its crazy people are willing to do such things without a proper indepth conversation. a relationship and a quick fix do not go hand in hand.

When i say lifestyle sub, i guess i mean i am more of a player than i realised. I guess i see a lifestyle sub who lives and breath being a sub 24/7, where as i conflict with it, needing the game and the drama bait more. maybe i am using the title in the wrong way.

"Lifestyle" isn't synonymous with 24/7. Most people use the term "lifestyle" to simply desiginate that they engage in BDSM for reasons other than financial gain (the opposite of lifestyle would be professional).

In reality, very few people are or have a desire for a 24-7 BDSM relationship where they are continuous in the role of sub or domme. For most people the very idea is exhausting. In terms of how people play, you'll find people on any part of the spectrum you can imagine.

And some people who jump in don't want a relationship. They just want some kinky fun of a short-term duration. In fact, I'd guess people of that ilk are much more common on CM than the other kind, especially the men.

(in reply to billybobsub)

Post #: 11

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 5:51:14 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: billybobsub
needing the game and the drama bait more.

You've said this a couple times, but I still don't understand what it means. Could you explain it?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to billybobsub)

Post #: 12

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 6:04:31 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbyinlosangele
"Lifestyle" isn't synonymous with 24/7. Most people use the term "lifestyle" to simply desiginate that they engage in BDSM for reasons other than financial gain (the opposite of lifestyle would be professional).

In reality, very few people are or have a desire for a 24-7 BDSM relationship where they are continuous in the role of sub or domme. For most people the very idea is exhausting. In terms of how people play, you'll find people on any part of the spectrum you can imagine.

And some people who jump in don't want a relationship. They just want some kinky fun of a short-term duration. In fact, I'd guess people of that ilk are much more common on CM than the other kind, especially the men.

I disagree. The opposite of Lifestyle is "Roleplay". The opposite of Professional is amateur.
There are lifestyle Pros-- those to whom the BDSM concepts and ideals are a real part of their lives, AND who exploit it for financial gain.
In a sense, those who find the idea of a 24/7 Domme/sub role exhausting are more roleplayers than lifestylers. Lifestyle means it's not a game to you, whether it's because this is the way you naturally are, or because you've moulded yourself to be that way. Lifestyle means it is an integral part of your identity, as opposed to something you engage in once in a while to liven things up.

ETA for added clarity, but yes, it is still not synonymous to 24/7.

< Message edited by Alecta -- 4/18/2012 6:06:02 PM >

(in reply to subbyinlosangele)

Post #: 13

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 8:06:10 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: billybobsub
I guess want i am getting at is what are peoples experience with finding and having a sub. The dome is in the driving seat. but if the sub is not wired the way the dome wants. is that the end? Do you have experiences?

nick

Hi Nick,

I'm a newish Domme, but I've had a sub before. In that time, I've learned that we need to get to know each other well before we jump into things. It's okay to not want the same things, but it's also necessary to find that out before taking the plunge into either a relationship or a play situation.

Both the Domme and the sub have legitimate wants, needs and expectations & they need to be discussed, compared, and - if possible - negotiated first. That makes a big difference in how things will or won't work out.

One thing that bothers me about collarme compared to, say, fetlife, is the limited amount of tags a person can put on his/her profile. On CM it's either Dominant, submissive, slave, or switch. There are tons more options on fetlife. For instance, fet offers Top, bottom, fetishist, this, that and the other. So if a person wants to bottom but not sub, they can say so right up front on fet. Not so here. The very way the roles are limited on CM makes it hard to be upfront with the truth sometimes on one's profile, BUT a person CAN actually say so, either in the essay portion or in correspondence with someone.

Hazel/NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to billybobsub)

Post #: 14

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 11:20:15 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbyinlosangele
"Lifestyle" isn't synonymous with 24/7. Most people use the term "lifestyle" to simply desiginate that they engage in BDSM for reasons other than financial gain (the opposite of lifestyle would be professional).

In reality, very few people are or have a desire for a 24-7 BDSM relationship where they are continuous in the role of sub or domme. For most people the very idea is exhausting. In terms of how people play, you'll find people on any part of the spectrum you can imagine.

And some people who jump in don't want a relationship. They just want some kinky fun of a short-term duration. In fact, I'd guess people of that ilk are much more common on CM than the other kind, especially the men.

I disagree. The opposite of Lifestyle is "Roleplay". The opposite of Professional is amateur.
There are lifestyle Pros-- those to whom the BDSM concepts and ideals are a real part of their lives, AND who exploit it for financial gain.
In a sense, those who find the idea of a 24/7 Domme/sub role exhausting are more roleplayers than lifestylers. Lifestyle means it's not a game to you, whether it's because this is the way you naturally are, or because you've moulded yourself to be that way. Lifestyle means it is an integral part of your identity, as opposed to something you engage in once in a while to liven things up.

ETA for added clarity, but yes, it is still not synonymous to 24/7.

OK, I'm a role player then...

I enjoy being a top or dominating somebody, gives me great satisfaction and is a lot of fun, but to command somebody 24/7 and always be in charge without the chance of ever just kicking back and having some fun, that sounds like my idea of hell. I don't feel the need to dominate everybody around me, including waiters, cashiers, doctors and accountants, I'd rather be assertive but very polite, and I always really HATED to be in the company of somebody who can't just be a regular human being, capable of having laughs and a bit of a banter without worrying that it isn't dommy enough, or that they might not be properly submissive.

I don't know anybody who's willing to do 24/7, most people have an actual life and want to function in normal society. An integral part of my identity can be something that I do not need to wear on my sleeve 24/7 - for me work is an integral part of who I am, what defines me, I don't walk around 24/7 and think of nothing else but PR and marketing strategies, I like my work, but I need time off as well, I like BDSM, but it doesn't rule my life, it's an integral part of my life but I don't want it to take it over and me becoming the slave of how somebody thinks I ought to be. I'm myself and if that isn't "real" enough for somebody, they can eff right off.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to Alecta)

Post #: 15

RE: ways of domming... - 4/18/2012 11:48:13 PM

billybobsub

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/1/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I disagree. The opposite of Lifestyle is "Roleplay". The opposite of Professional is amateur.
There are lifestyle Pros-- those to whom the BDSM concepts and ideals are a real part of their lives, AND who exploit it for financial gain.
In a sense, those who find the idea of a 24/7 Domme/sub role exhausting are more roleplayers than lifestylers. Lifestyle means it's not a game to you, whether it's because this is the way you naturally are, or because you've moulded yourself to be that way. Lifestyle means it is an integral part of your identity, as opposed to something you engage in once in a while to liven things up.

ETA for added clarity, but yes, it is still not synonymous to 24/7.

Hello All thank you for all your comments!

I think Alecta has hit the nail on the head. for me this makes perfect sense.

from how i see it Lifestyle is a way of life, it is deeper, integrating in that person's persona. yes i think 24/7 is to extreme, but what i was trying to get at was that a lifestyle sub has this constant feeling everyday, whether they are in a relationship or not. Roleplay is much more broad. you can pick up or you can turn your back on it. it comes and goes when you want it, or go in search of it. I think CM has mostly role-players as there are so many people looking for that quick kink. so many people back off when things start to get serious or deeper.

If i had a choice i would like to put myself somewhere in the middle. yes i know that is sitting on the fence. but i do take this seriously but i don't want to live and breath it every day. sometimes i don't need it and sometimes i do. It is a part of me but it does not consume me..........(well most of the time!!!)

how do other people feel? where would they put themselves, lifestyle or role-play??????

(in reply to Alecta)

Post #: 16

RE: ways of domming... - 4/19/2012 12:00:42 AM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: billybobsub

I guess want i am getting at is what are peoples experience with finding and having a sub. The dome is in the driving seat. but if the sub is not wired the way the dome wants. is that the end? Do you have experiences?

Thank you,

nick

Welcome Nick! Excellent opener for discussion.

To answer your question, yes and no.

The dynamic may end, but since I only engage folks I really like to begin with they invariably stay friends.

My outlook has changed over the years. I've come to the conclusion that what makes me happiest is to have people who are completely comfortable and happy with their level of participation in my life. So if someone enjoys abc, and another 123, and a third xyz...by having enough folks participate at the level they prefer I get all my needs met and no one person feels burdened or put-upon. I call it my 'bouquet'. We match up where we can.

I apply the 'bouquet' concept to every facet of my life, not just bdsm. Once I shifted the paradigm, I immediately began to feel more loved, relaxed and content than I ever had in my life. I credit dropping the expectation/belief that there should be 'the one' to be all things to me. I suppose theoretically it's possible, but I ain't waitin' around 'cuz in this day and age it's not probable. For me, this is much better.

As for where I see myself on the lifestyle/role-play continuum, I'd say I'm naturally dominant 24/7. It's a fundamental trait all the time. Does that mean I go around flogging, pegging, and zapping people 'round the clock? Of course not. THAT would be utterly exhausting. There are lots of lifestyle-unrelated activities in my life that make use of my energies.

Life's about balance. My sense of it has served me well.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 4/19/2012 12:42:30 AM >

(in reply to billybobsub)

Post #: 17

RE: ways of domming... - 4/19/2012 12:39:19 AM

MissToYouRedux

Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

I call it my 'bouquet'. We match up where we can.

Ooh! My metaphor is pieces to a puzzle.

_____________________________

- Miss Marie

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)

Post #: 18

RE: ways of domming... - 4/19/2012 12:45:14 AM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissToYouRedux

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

I call it my 'bouquet'. We match up where we can.

Ooh! My metaphor is pieces to a puzzle.

Good one!

(in reply to MissToYouRedux)

Post #: 19

RE: ways of domming... - 4/19/2012 6:39:57 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: billybobsub
needing the game and the drama bait more.

You've said this a couple times, but I still don't understand what it means. Could you explain it?

Red, I'll take a stab at it. I believe he misspelled "bit".

I suspect that he wants a dynamic where he brats, and is punished for the bratting. The emphasis on obedience and quiet compliance works against him there.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 20

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