Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle?

Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (Full Version)

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sapphirepleasure -> Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 6:05:47 AM)
I have been looking for a Dom and have felt as if I have found one with whom I have really 'clicked', but he and his other slave have recently gotten into Gor, a lifestyle that I am just not sure that I can embrace. I am reading the first four books as he has requested (I really hate science fiction) and the Gor forums on here and really trying to get my mind around this in preparation for joining the household but I have to say, this is a struggle, and I haven't even moved there yet. I'm wondering if I've gone about this backwards and chosen a Master based on relationship and connection, thinking that eventually I could adjust to his lifestyle (Gor), when perhaps I should have been more focused on the Gor issue before I agreed and committed to this Master who I really feel good about except for Gor. Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of struggle, or have any advice in this situation?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 6:19:37 AM)
It's really not an either/or- it's a whole package sort of deal. You made a mistake in focusing on part of the package and thinking that could make up for the rest of the package. To know if someone is a right fit for you, you have to make sure it fits on ALL levels.

enigmabrat -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 6:23:50 AM)
Really bad idea dont get involved thinking you could change and be happy\ you dont pick something that you have to change to enjoy. Dont get into Gor because of the Master if the lifestyle isnt for you neather is the master if he cant exept that Gor isnt for you then thats that, dont let him get you into someting yo dont want it wont work

becca333 -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 6:47:05 AM)
If you're not happy with such important aspects of their lifestyle, it's not going to work out in the long run. It's a hard decision, but you need to find the right fit.

sapphirepleasure -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 6:52:41 AM)
As the date of the visit gets closer (10 days away now), I am suspecting more and more that you are right. The ironic thing is that after the Dom and I began chatting on collarme and by phone it became apparent that we had known each other years ago (8) before either of us were even into D/s and had sung together and were once even lovers--how's that for karma/fate/coinicidence? So I overlooked my Gor red flag and that growling I felt inside me every time he called me 'girl' (I'm 45) and thought we'd get past it and now everything's in place for a visit in 10 days and a move in 2 months and the closer it all gets the more I am suspecting that I just can't get past the Gor 'bump' which of course is much more than a bump but a major philosophical difference that just ain't goin' away. So now I must figure out how to proceed from here when three of us are so very invested in it.

enigmabrat -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 6:55:57 AM)
Your letting the fact that you knew him cloud you if you arent into Gor dont do it the fact that you already planed to move isnt so great if you arent sure you want to be Gor Hon you should find someone right for you someone into the same things you are honestly the best thing to do is make a clean break befor more is invested meaning remain friends but cansle the visit and cansal the move your setting yourself up for hurt just tell them it isnt right for you

sweetbbwsub31 -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 7:06:44 AM)
It's either a match or it's not sapphire. In this case and from what you have shared it seems that it's not. Finding the right Dom takes a great deal of time and patience. Please don't settle for someone who is only partially what you seek. Good luck in your search, sub tara

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 7:07:47 AM)
Next time you talk, you say "OK I went into this way too fast and I need to slow it down and take stock." Cuz that's the truth.

CrappyDom -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 7:08:12 AM)
As much as I detest gor and the players who play at it, you clearly have a connection with this man, you know he is at least fairly sane, and he knows you know people in his circle so you are fairly safe. Why not risk it? What is happiness worth? Gor, like anything else varies greatly with its practitioners. Who knows, you may find it all works great, worse case you have some sex with someone you enjoy, experience some new stuff, and expand your horizons. For anyone else in a similar situation I would scream RUN, but you once found him interesting enough to take him as a lover, which is a pretty rare occurrence, and the only reason I am saying go play with him.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 7:13:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom Why not risk it? What is happiness worth? Gor, like anything else varies greatly with its practitioners. Who knows, you may find it all works great, worse case you have some sex with someone you enjoy, experience some new stuff, and expand your horizons. LOL for me, long term relationships are the LEAST of things I'd take on as a "risk." Also, it sounds as if she's only just meeting them offline for the first time in a few days and already planning to move in 2 months. I don't think that's the path to take if someone is having such big doubts and worries.

slavejali -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 7:14:11 AM)
A different angle: Your a few days away from your first visit, its kinda natural to start thinking about everything that could go wrong. Maybe all this worry is that. If you have been arranging this visit for sometime now, I dont see any reason why you shouldnt go ahead with it, at least the you will never have to think "what if...".

CrappyDom -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 7:27:39 AM)
Since we don't actually HAVE slavery here on this earth and I doubt this guy has the ability to kidnap her and take her to the alternate gor planet, she isn't at risk of being held captive. The risk I was refering to was a first visit, check it out, see how he treats his other woman as well as her, not marrying/collaring to this guy the first night they see each other. As for moving, I would recomend against anyone moving to be with someone they haven't spent a LOT of time with, months of staying over and such.

sapphirepleasure -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 7:47:36 AM)
Well the ticket's already bought so I will at least do the week-long visit in 10 days and see how that goes. It will answer a lot of questions, I think. (They say that they are not into the Gor role-playing, just the principles of it, but I am not really sure what that means.) And I was planning to move to that location anyway for school (teaching and taking classes) and it's not like I would be leaving a home anyway (My teaching contract here in GA ended and I am living temporarily with a Dom who is training me, looking towards a more permanent situation.). The new master has offered me a three month temporary contract to see how things go between us and then a longer one after that (6 months probably). I think there's a lot of truth in what you say, SlaveJali, about all of my worries coming up now that the trip is imminent, but that's why I'm addressing this here because I am not sure whether these are just minor worries or serious issues that can't be overlooked. Maybe I won't know until we meet. sapphire

CrappyDom -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 8:03:45 AM)
Sapphire, Have you read any of the wonderful NON-fiction BDSM books? Have you belonged to a BDSM group or attended play parties?

sapphirepleasure -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 8:09:46 AM)
I just finished reading 'The Compleat Slave' by Jack Rinella, and tho they are fiction, I learned a lot from the Marketplace series by Laura Antoniou. I haven't yet joined any groups or attended any play parties. S

NCSilverWolves -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 9:02:37 AM)
Sapphire..... I kinda had the same situation here recently. A friend of many years decided he could no longer tuck away his dominant ways and brought them to life. Things for most part were good for him. Then he got the pull of the gor. It was somewhere he felt more comfortable and knew he was suppose to be. That's all fine and dandy. I said good luck..and see ya later. I know gor isn't in me. I do not have bad thoughts or dislike gor....( love IronBear and respect him dearly) I just know it' not for me. So whatever you decide to do..... I wish you all the best. I'm still friends with Jake... my friend.... just we took different paths. So remember that's always possible too.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 9:35:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure I have been looking for a Dom and have felt as if I have found one with whom I have really 'clicked', but he and his other slave have recently gotten into Gor, a lifestyle that I am just not sure that I can embrace. I am reading the first four books as he has requested (I really hate science fiction) and the Gor forums on here and really trying to get my mind around this in preparation for joining the household but I have to say, this is a struggle, and I haven't even moved there yet. I'm wondering if I've gone about this backwards and chosen a Master based on relationship and connection, thinking that eventually I could adjust to his lifestyle (Gor), when perhaps I should have been more focused on the Gor issue before I agreed and committed to this Master who I really feel good about except for Gor. Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of struggle, or have any advice in this situation? I know I am probably going to catch hell from someone for this but...I personally have enjoyed female friends all my life. I have an awful lot of female patients. One of the things that I have noted that seems to run through an awful lot of them is this idea of concentrating on only the good parts of the guy they are with and ignoring the bad stuff..."Oh, I can change that...that will change after we are together...etc". It doesn't. I would imagine that especially for a dominant male, it doesn't. There are things I will modify, depending on the situation and my want/desire/need to but for the most part, I am what you see. Does that mean that I haven't given up some things along the way? Yeah. Has my outlook on some things changed radically over the years? In a very few areas. I don't want to make over someone completely. Guiding and training a submissive to please me is much easier when the basics of the D/s relationship we want to embrace match. Gor is wayyyyyyyyyy different than D/s. Hell, look at the differences in D/s relationships to be found among those who have no interest in Gor. You really should consider whether or not Gor is for you. From what you write, I would say no. And that means you and he have one very big irreconciliable difference. Will you change your belief about Gor for him? If not, why should he for you?

Proprietrix -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 9:49:53 AM)
Maybe… There’s this aspect of living in which people don’t have to find "The One". Try new things. Try new people. Learn new perspectives. Gor today. Rubber and latex tomorrow. Poly next week. Is there a reason you have to have all or nothing? I’m open to meeting new people, and talking to new people, and playing with new people, and having relationships with new people. Some stick around. Some go about their way. I don’t expect that any one person can be-all for me. It’s nice to have a variety in life. I can’t even image settling for something I wasn’t happy with because they couldn’t fill the role of each and every aspect of life I’m looking for. Some people fill the role of lover, some of friend, some of teacher/mentor, some of play partner, some of submissive, some of other things. I’d much rather have 30 people in my life that can fulfill 30 different roles, than to limit myself to 1 who can only fulfill 1 role. Is there any reason why you have to either a) move in with this man, be his 24/7 slave, and totally dedicate yourself to him, OR b) cut all ties? Is there no happy medium where you can have him as a friend, be a part-time sub/slave, have him as a mentor, or lover, or play partner, or trainer… I’m simply not understanding the all-or-nothing mindset here of people who either have to be totally enslaved or total strangers. It’s kind of like a vanilla gal either getting married or being a spinster. No happy medium. No dating around. No playing the field. No making friends. All or nothing. I just don’t get it.

MistressLorelei -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 10:10:46 AM)
I will try to be objective, as I am far from a fan of Gor myself. You have clicked with the Dom, and are making an effort to learn about a way of life that he wishes you to be a part of. Following a script written by someone not involved in your relationship is not for everyone, perhaps you are not comfortable, because it is not for you. On the other hand, trying new experiences, and learning about new things can inspire a fondness in something you never would have thought you'd like. If you have clicked with the Dom, I would think it is fair to let him know that you want to research and explore the world of Gor before making a commitment. Go with your instincts at that point, and don't force yourself into a lifestyle you don't truly desire... or maybe you will find that Gor will fulfill many desires you have always had.

Bearlee -> RE: Which Comes 1st: Dom or Lifestyle? (6/5/2006 2:10:02 PM)
Here, here, Proprietrix! I'm with what you said. And CrappyDom, too. Good heavens, you don't have to get collared on this first visit...yer out to kick some tires is all; no? I will say though, that while I'm also no fan of Gor, I have several friends (couples, mostly), up in Denver who are followers of Gor. They've somehow managed to make it all about honesty and integrity and high protocol and not at all about roll-play. While they apparently enjoy the books, they are all about real-time...in THIS real time...not off on some planet in the far, distant future. LOL I'd say, especially since you have the tickets already; go meet your new friends...see how it goes. Make sure your safe-calls are in place...that somebody KNOWS where you are and when you plan to be back...and call them now and then. Past that... have FUN; you may make some good friends even if ya don't find your One...

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