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Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 7:00:07 AM

DarkSteven

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I regularly attend a local monthly spanking party called Scarlet Moons. It's a great party, although it restricts play to impact play only - no whips, no floggers, no fireplay, no needle play, no wax, etc. It's unusual in that bystanders are allowed to heckle sceners good-naturedly and complain that the spanker isn't swinging hard enough, that spankees shouldn't be allowed to keep panties on, etc.

There's one attendee that just gives me creepy vibes. A few months ago I was spanking a lady OTK over panties and he happened by and asked me earnestly and directly "Are you going to spank her bare assed?" I was taken aback and replied, "Excuse me?" He then asked me if I would pull down her panties. I curtly replied, "I'm spanking her", which clarified that I was in charge. He left shortly thereafter.

Friday night, I was about to give a shy woman a spanking and went with her to a bedroom and shut the door. We were doing preliminary chat when she sat up. The creepy fellow had quietly entered the room and closed the door behind him. I explained that she was shy and wanted to be spanked in private. He said, "But I can watch, right?" After a blank stare in response, he got the message and left.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm contemplating speaking to the party hostess, who is very versed in the lifestyle, and asking her to go over etiquette with him. He seems to be getting frightened of me, so I wouldn't be the ideal one to discuss this with him. Also, I realize that some of my issue with him is due to the vibes he gives off, as opposed to any specific actions. Had he, in the first instance, just given me a grin and said, "C'mon! Pull those panties down!", it would have fit right in.

Any suggestions? Speak to the hostess, continue with occasional minor corrections for him, or other?

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 4/29/2012 7:14:40 AM >

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 7:09:44 AM

smilezz

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Morning!! :)

While I can say that I have not been to the Ranch, I know quite a few people/friends that frequent it. From what little I am aware of, I would speak to the Hostess for sure. It's one thing to be curiously interested, but there seems to be a line that is being crossed.

This person just may not be sure what he is doing, or is hoping to get away with.

Hope it works out......

Have a great day...HAPPY SUNDAY!

-smilezz-

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 7:14:53 AM

SassySarijane

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I would definitely speak with her about his behavior. She needs to address it with him and tell him what is and isn't acceptable and that she's gotten complaints over his behavior. That way he's given a chance to correct it if he's new and doesn't know how he should be behaving; and if he's just a creep, it'll become very apparent and he can be dealt with as necessary. Nothing changes if people don't take their concerns/issues to the organizers/hosts of an event.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 7:15:39 AM

tj444

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sorry, no advice from me as i dont go to pubic functions/parties & this would be totally outta my league anyway.. but.. ffs, if you (a big strong imposing looking man) are getting creeped out by the dude, I can only imagine how the poor female subs must feel..

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 7:23:27 AM

Baroana

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I have no experience with the place itself or this specific person. With personal conflicts, my general philosophy is to escalate only as necessary. Always start by talking with the person directly, if practical. Sometimes it's not practical or possible.

If you can see taking him aside for a friendly chat and letting him know his behavior isn't appropriate, then I suggest starting that way. Next step is taking it to the hostess.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 7:23:28 AM

smilezz

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I SO have not had enough coffee yet...... lol

I need to re-read things before posting.... grinz at Steven.....

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 7:29:57 AM

lizi

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There's always someone....

Seriously though, there's always someone in a group that doesn't seem to get how to hang and they don't have the social thing down well enough to take cues from others on how to act, or they are there for their own agenda which is kind of the way you seem to be leaning.

I see what you're saying in that there really isn't anything he's done 'wrong', yet, so to call him out on the vibes he's giving out rather than actions he has taken is subjective and is your interpretation. But....kink is tricky. You have to watch for 'vibes' and pay attention to everything about a situation. Someone may stand to lose a lot if the creep hurts them or bothers them. Emotional stress has a price too. It's kind of like you don't want to condemn the guy on the basis of a undercurrent you're picking up about his personality, he could just have very poor social skills, on the other hand if you don't pay attention to what he's putting out then it might be irresponsible.

I'd talk to the hostess and a few of the other people that go to the parties in a general way..."Hey, I was wondering if you you've had the chance to get to know Mr. X." - and see what comes up. You can ask the hostess to have the etiquette talk with the guy, good idea. Asking about him in general will kind of alert the others to watch a little more closely and you check back to see if anyone has any further incidents or comments about him in the future. I definitely think it's something to watch - you have your impression for real reasons. Don't discount a gut feeling. Given the kink situation, it might be very negligent to ignore the warning that you seem to be getting - someone might pay a price, but I agree, there isn't anything yet to warrant excluding him. Unless of course when you ask around someone brings up something else that adds to your unease about him.

I do think it's something that should definitely be explored at the very least in the general way of finding out more information about what others have or have not picked up about him.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 7:49:35 AM

JanahX

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This guy walking in on you obviously doesnt know boundaries - and youre absolutely right - he IS creepy.

I would definitely talk to to host about it. I have a feeling that whatever is up with this guy goes beyond him not knowing boundaries -

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 8:10:34 AM

MissImmortalPain

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I'm not sure why you feel you can't speak to him about it. Okay, he might be frightened of you. He might be impressed. He might think if he says the wrong thing you won't let him watch/take part. The only way you will know for sure is to speak to him about it. I would also suggest speaking to others that seem to know him. They might be able to tell you things that could help. Like maybe he is shy, new, or a jerk no one want around. You can speak to the hostess as well but I would make sure you don't imply that the person has done something wrong that might get him kicked(out) unless you are sure that he has.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 8:16:07 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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I agree, speak to the hostess. That leaves you out of the drama (hopefully). If he can't get the message about proper etiquette post quick, he should be banned.

Maybe several people need to speak to him at once about what is and is not done at a play party.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 8:22:12 AM

MissAsylum

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I agree with the posts thus far, especially with ChatteParfaitt.

Even though there are no guarantees that you will not be left out of any impending drama that may transpire, there is the chance that you are not the only one who this person is creeping out.

May end up being a breath of fresh air for all.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 8:29:28 AM

LadyHibiscus

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You should have spoken to the hostess that night! This reminds me of all those times i was DM at some event and got complaints the next day, when I couldnt do anything.

If he bothered you, he bothered other people. Speak up.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 8:30:13 AM

Whenready

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I don't know your particular scene, but it sounds like you're a known regular, so why not chat to the hostess and ask her "I might have got off on the wrong foot with this guy. Is it me, or are other people uncomfortable around him?" Rephrase as appropriate: I know that there are some folk I'll never get on with - it might just be that his way is not your way. If others are having an issue too - hostess can sort it.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 8:33:26 AM

MadameM4U

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Sneaking into a room with a closed door is a clear violation of the rules for any play place I have been. I define "sneaking" as entering a closed-door room without knocking to announce your presence and requesting & being granted admittance.

If I had been in your place I wouldn't have been so cordial to the guy. I probably would have said "The door was closed for a reason and you are not welcome here". I would definitely talk to the hostess. She needs to know about the breech in protocol. Leaving it unaddressed leaves room for other rule violations by the guy.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 8:38:48 AM

kalikshama

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Count me as another vote for speaking to the hostess.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 8:52:37 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadameM4U

Sneaking into a room with a closed door is a clear violation of the rules for any play place I have been. I define "sneaking" as entering a closed-door room without knocking to announce your presence and requesting & being granted admittance.

If I had been in your place I wouldn't have been so cordial to the guy. I probably would have said "The door was closed for a reason and you are not welcome here". I would definitely talk to the hostess. She needs to know about the breech in protocol. Leaving it unaddressed leaves room for other rule violations by the guy.

Good point about the guy coming into a room with a shut door. See, if he had just made a simple mistake he'd have apologized at some point in the evening for either of the things....he didn't. Which is what makes it creepy in the end. If I entered a room and creeped out the people in it, I'd have said something to them later to the effect that i was sorry about that.

As a social group humans tend to be very forgiving since they know others make mistakes some times. This tendency lends itself to repeat offenses. We don't tend to exclude people until they're gone over a line more than once, that line in a kinky situation happens much more quickly and going over it even once can have serious repercussions.

I'd bet if you ask around there will be more people stepping forward to offer a comment or two. You can't be the only one who picked up this.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 8:56:45 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

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In regards to doors being closed because the play is private, maybe the host should make the announcement to the whole group. If that is universally at that party what a closed door means. That way there's no excuse of I didn't know, for opening up a door and walking in.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 9:01:57 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Any suggestions? Speak to the hostess, continue with occasional minor corrections for him, or other?

You're a better man than I DarkSteven. The first one of those I would handled much like you. The second one... both because of the repeat and because of the nature of the offense would have earned a more ... uh .... "earnest"... discussion of boundaries with him. That would just be so totally unacceptable in my world that it would need to stop right there and then.

In your situation now I'd think a sit down with him before any provocation happens might allow you two to have a non-aggressive boundary discussion. I always like to handle things quietly if possible. Failing that I'd involve the hostess.

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 9:07:28 AM

tj444

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
Good point about the guy coming into a room with a shut door. See, if he had just made a simple mistake he'd have apologized at some point in the evening for either of the things....he didn't. Which is what makes it creepy in the end. If I entered a room and creeped out the people in it, I'd have said something to them later to the effect that i was sorry about that.

Yes, most would do that if it was a simple mistake.. imo, it sounds like this guy spotted DS & the sub slip into the room and after a few minutes followed as he thought there would be some nakedness (which he seems to want the most) and even when DS said something he whined and wanted to stay and watch.. Imo, he knew what he was doing but thought he wouldnt get called on it.. Its my guess he has done this before and gotten away with it..

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RE: Dealing with a creep - advice? - 4/29/2012 9:11:17 AM

Missokyst

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Ok... I don't get it. There are many people that act inappropriately and if they are in my space, I mention it. I am not going to speak to a third party about something that may be my interpretation, unless once I have discussed the matter with the other person they continue to persist in their actions.
Many people are unsure about what is acceptable and this is particularly true in a situation where some natural boundries like nudity or spanking is laid bare. They flat out do not know what to do. Why not make it clear where you draw the line? The guy may be intimidated by you or not, that is HIS deal. Yours is to express what you will allow in your immediate space.
I would speak to him directly.

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