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How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 12:52:30 PM   
Nevervanillagirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/3/2012
Status: offline 		I am so happy to have found a place where I can at the very least know that if I am a little twisted, I am not alone!

So here is the short version:

Met my husband when we were both fresh out of college, been together over a decade, kids, happy marriage and all the works. My husband enjoys making me happy and vice versa..we have a great relationship in general and more specifically a very active & satisfying sex life..as far as vanilla goes. Problem is I have always had strong fantasies about having a more sexually dominating partner(in him..not in anyway looking to stray). I don't want him to sweetly ask me for a blowjob, I want him to grab my hair and shovenhisncock down my throat if that's what he wants. The idea of being spanked is freaking erotic to me, that I sometimes visualize this scenario in my head while we are having sex and I get off instantly. So what's the problem you say? My sweet vanilla husband who thought I was crazy the other week when I told him I wished he would smack my ass in bed. He said he doesn't understand how the idea of him hurting me turns me on. Honestly, if he knew it wasn't a swat I wanted...but a red sore ass...he would really be floored. His reaction to that made me feel a little too embarrassed to go into further detail with him outright. So I thought perhaps I could inch my way into this. I can't give him the answers he would want about the "why" of it considering that I don't really know myself. The only thing I can figure is that, I am very much an independent, self driven person who likes to wake up and conquer the world everyday..so perhaps the allure of it is having a safe place to let those pressures go and give him the reigns for a little while..instead of telling him what I want or need or trying to figure out what he might like on a given night..I'd like to just have him take me like he owns me and do with me what he wants. I can safely say that bc I know he isn't really into this! Haa so back to easing him into opening his mind...after the ass smacking discussion, he did start doing that some and I like it. It's not anywhere near the level I desire, but it's a beginning. How to tell him I want more is what brings me to my next question.

My mind has been racing to find a way to just let him explore some of these elements and see that it isn't about "hurting me" physically or emotionally(my interest in this is pretty low key compared to what I have read in some posts here today). But rather about exploring some power exchange and just a little more rough than normal..and for him to see that it turns me on. So I did some looking online and found a private club that caters to this lifestyle that is about 2 hrs from us. The idea of a weekend getaway came to mind. I found that this club offers sort of a guest night one night per month where different stations are set up for demonstration and newbie insight. I finally got up the courage to ask him if he would go with me and he blew me away by saying yes. I explained that we weren't going to play, but rather to learn about different aspects and see what, if anything turned us both on. He agreed it could be fun. Now, my question is...do you think this is a bad intro into this? Considering that I am not looking for a full blown experience, just wouldn't mind getting bent over his knee to get me good and turned on before we get it on sometimes and would be open to using other things besides his hands eventually and also, the power exchange aspect of this IN THE BEDROOM ONLY and just basically that a little pain can be so hot. But do you think going to a dungeon on a "newbie night" would be too much of an overload for a vanilla husband or is it really an okay idea?

Also, I want to put out there that I know I am asking him to bend a little and that could seem a little selfish..after all I had these desires long before I met him and I never disclosed them until now to him. I have always been pretty dirty in the bedroom with him, where vanilla sex is concerned, I like it rough, I'm not opposed to anything and we have tried it all and repeated most of it. So it's not like I'm going from please make love to me girl to fuck the hell out of me girl. .. I just want to escalate it a bit further and I would be okay with a mixed bag..as in I don't need this 5 days a week, I would be completely satisfied with our sex life as normal with this spank me, take me, do with me what you will thing thrown in once a week.

I'm sorry for rambling..this is the first time I've really unloaded all of this, it feels good, but I know it's a jumbled mess! I appreciate any input and if I got any terminology incorrect or inadvertently offended anyone or came off as a complete idiot, lol, please accept my apologies in advance. This was written from a very sincere place by a girl who craves tidbits of your sex lives but is too confused and embarrassed to be sure of how to get there!
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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 12:56:31 PM   
MissImmortalPain


Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		You could try letting him read this post, if talking to him doesn't work.

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 1:09:38 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Actually it sounds like you're on the right track. He's obviously open to experimentation, or a least education. I think it'll work itself out as long as you keep him in the loop about what you want and what thrills and sensations you're after. Loving husbands sometimes have a little trouble getting their head around the "spanking=/=hurting" and the "good pain" bits in the beginning. Don't hold it against him, just be patient :)

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 1:20:32 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		There is a book called When Someone You Love is Kinky...perhaps that might help him to understand.

http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 1:31:38 PM   
Nevervanillagirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/3/2012
Status: offline 		You guys are awesome! I was honestly a little intimidated to make this post! I know this board probably gets overloaded with twits just looking for some jollies..so it puts a little pressure on those of us who are here for real reasons to hopefully come across as such. So I do very much appreciate your responses!

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 1:42:29 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		You might also try introducing him to some of the classics of BDSM fiction to see if any of those pique his interest (Anne Rice's Beauty trilogy or the Story of O - you should read them first, though). Obviously these are NOT how-to manuals, but you can get a gauge of how enticing he finds some of this stuff and what he might be interested in trying out (power exchange, specific kinks, etc.) - and then you can turn to the how-to manuals or hands-on training to get you there. If he is interested in more, and you are both comfortable being public about your interests, you could check out whatever your local BDSM scene is.

The only caveat I will add to this is that I strongly believe, from a variety of personal experiences, that people are wired for BDSM or not. And then, even within BDSM, they are wired for particular roles, kinks, play, etc. In other words, you can lead a horse to water kind of thing. So yes, by all means introduce him to your interests and see if you can explore together. But do understand that if he is not wired for BDSM, or not wired for particular things that you want, you may not be able to create a sustainable dynamic that makes both of you happy in the bedroom. Someone who is vanilla might be able to "play" at BDSM for a while, but they won't be able to sustain an interest in it for a lifetime. And someone who is wired for BDSM will always be searching for it. I am not being a naysayer here, but trying to be objective about the risks and realities involved here. At the end of the day, you can each only be true to you true inner selves. And just be prepared to accept the fact that ultimately, he might not be wired the same way as you. My perspective only. Others may have a different take.

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 1:52:26 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		OP, I think you are going about it a little too fast in thinking a kinky getaway will help. Perhaps it is just me, but I like to keep my bedroom activities intimate and private.

I am a firm believer in letting people know what I am into before we get involved. I had a husband who knew what I was into before we got married, and wanted to try but like your husband, he was willing to try but never had his heart in it. Some men are just not wired to be a take charge, dominant guy.

The only thing I can suggest is a compromise of sorts; show your husband your intense reactions when he spanks you or does something else and then reward him by having equally delicious vanilla stuff. You have to know that your fantasies are not necessarily shared by your husband, no matter how much he loves you. Perhaps find out his deep fantasies and see how you can mesh both.


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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 1:59:22 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		I think the idea of going to the club is possibly good, possibly not. It might be overwhelming which would be bad. I'd allow plenty of "let's go take a walk outside" time (if it seems needful).

Insofar as what you personally can do, for me it was a loving, sex-positive woman who made it feasible to consider all these horrific sex acts you perverts get up to (LOL). In specific, I remember being shocked at the discussion of blood spatters and tarps.... whaaa???? huh????? we're whipping folks enough to need tarps to control blood spatters <big eyes> !!!!

In the end we all like the things we do and some of those things cause pain and some blood loss and yada yada. Just in the pure sex area, even pretty vanilla couples can go for "raking nails down his back". Stopping to think for a moment... nails leave raggedy cuts that hurt a lot and don't heal well. Yet vanilla folks do that and groove on it. In short, if you can be supportive and loving enough and if he's open-minded enough it's not real hard to see that despite all the big bug-eyed taboo of "spanking" it really isn't all that big of a deal nor that uncommon. The path from vanilla-land to "how about a hot spanking scene" is not that long... at least in terms of acceptance.

For me, I never particularly got into sadism even after trying it with an open mind. On the other hand, had Carol really grooved on it, it would've been easy to accumulate it as an acquired taste. How your husband actually feels about it is yet to be determined but the first step of getting past the shock factor is certainly possible. Your upbeat and smiley attitude about the whole thing will go a long way towards dispelling it as some sort of weird alternative sickness.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 2:46:33 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I really like what Jeff said about vanilla folks and the nails down the back. It really does make a point. I think ( I hope) Males respond from our body language and maybe you can suggest a few things that won't be weird or turn him off, I have him thinking he is hurting you. Maybe the getaway is a good idea. But, time is your friend, don't rush it. Have fun!

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 3:08:48 PM   
Nevervanillagirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/3/2012
Status: offline 		Fucktoyprincess, I agree about being wired or not. I absolutely realize that this is my fantasy and in reality, I have no real expectation of him to suddenly beat to the same drum. In fact, I have long ago accepted that he likely did not otherwise I would have probably seems signs long ago that he would be into dominating me in the bedroom. He seems perfectly happy with us both ending with orgasms and cuddling up to go to sleep or hot shower sex etc etc etc. to be exceptionally clear, I can most definitely live with our sex life as it is! It's good and hot, just not kinky! So it's not a deal breaker kind of thing for me. I guess what motivates me(beyond my own twisted desires) to expose him to, at the very least, thoughts on this is that he was brought up very conservative by parents were and still are ice cold where anything sexual is concerned. I was brought up by laid back parents who were affectionate and loving towards one another and very open to answer any sexual topics us kids brought up etc etc. That in itself created two very different adults who fell in love yet had to work through the "kinks" haa that the 2 drastically different upbringings created ...such as me thinking something was wrong bc he was very tight lipped about emotions and being affectionate, god I could on for days..but the end result was we worked through those things and found levels and boundaries that we both were happy with and the longer we were together the more he began to admittedly realize how he actually liked and appreciated the closeness that the things he initially was more reserved with brought to us. Thus making him break his own boundaries. So that close minded, conservative, good boy upbringing really has limited his capacity to consider a lot of things beyond the realm of the straight and narrow. I guess his parents did a good job of raising him how they wanted..ha...he turned out to be a good, conservative over achiever! All joking aside, I would like to hang on to the shred of hope that maybe if he were to just be open to learning about it, that he might actually discover he likes it. Hey it's possible!

Sexyred, I have zero desire to go play at a club! The one night each month I was speaking of is designated for people entertaining the idea of bdsm in their lives...it's a wine tasting of sorts :) we won't like all that we sample but may find one or two we would like to add to our collection at home! We would not be engaging in any sexual acts there. From everything i read, they have stations set up with their members demonstrating each "kink" or kink device. Such as someone showing how to use ropes and knots, someone at a station with different whips and paddles, clamps, etc etc. so basically somewhere for us to meet people who use these toys and see them in action by experienced people. So, to me..it seems very non-threatening and a good way to just see what's out there and see if he gets excited by any of those! This is all new to me too..as an adult in my early 30's, I know that sometimes fantasy brought to life isn't always what it's cracked up to be. So I would never put myself or my husband in a position to try and figure out in public, so no..if anything there turns us on...we will make a mad dash for our hotel room so that if anything backfires, we can just laugh about it together and no harm no foul, we move on!

Jeff, that is my worry with taking him..I don't want him overloaded by things I am not even interested in and him just saying oh hell no! But I still think this is really my only chance to expose him to my interests in a manner that doesn't make him feel personally tied to it. So if we go and nothing turns him on, he isn't saying an experience he and I had didn't turn him on..which I think will make for a better chance of him just being honest if it's not his things instead of suffering through something personally just in the name of pleasing me...which is NOT the desired end result! Bottom line, if he isn't interested it's okay!

Thanks for giving some good solid advice and food for thought!!

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 3:35:27 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		My (now ex) husband and I were married for 10 years when we wandered into a BDSM store and simultaneously thought "these toys look like fun." We started with a small suede floggers and kept going back for progressively heavier floggers.

One book that was really useful was "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism" - he's visual and there are lots of pics. I'd read, and say, pointing, "Let's try this!"

We joined a local group and learned a lot from the people at munches, play parties at a dungeon, and private play parties.

BDSM breathed a few more years of life into our sputtering marriage, and our separation a few years later was unrelated.


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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 3:54:07 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nevervanillagirl
He seems perfectly happy with us both ending with orgasms and cuddling up to go to sleep or
hot shower sex etc etc etc. to be exceptionally clear, I can most definitely live with our sex life
as it is! It's good and hot, just not kinky! So it's not a deal breaker kind of thing for me.

This thought is really something you need to hold onto, and express often with him.
It's fantastic that he seems open to exploring in his efforts to please you, and hopefully he
will also start taking great pleasure in it as well. However, right now he may be hearing "you
aren't good enough" and his ego may be suffering with the thought that perhaps he hasn't been
pleasing you all these years. Of course, we know that isn't the case, but he may need additional
reinforcement, and it may change his whole interest in kinky sex for the betterment of both of you.

I'd suggest, along with the other advice and book recommendation, is to purchase a copy of
The Loving Dominant, or Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, and leave it in a place he is free
to browse through it at his leisure. Another suggestion is to print a copy of a BDSM checklist,
complete your portion of it, and either see if he would be interested in filling it out, or leave it
around for him to read (keep a pen handy nearby!)
http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 4:38:40 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

Another suggestion is to print a copy of a BDSM checklist,
complete your portion of it, and either see if he would be interested in filling it out, or leave it
around for him to read (keep a pen handy nearby!)
http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html


Excellent link, Poise! That checklist is one of the most user-friendly I've seen.

Welcome to the forums, Nevervanilla girl! Lots of good info and folks here to help you figure out which way you want to go. Good luck and enjoy the journey :-)

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 5/3/2012 4:41:56 PM >

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 4:39:06 PM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

You might also try introducing him to some of the classics of BDSM fiction to see if any of those pique his interest (Anne Rice's Beauty trilogy or the Story of O - you should read them first, though). Obviously these are NOT how-to manuals, but you can get a gauge of how enticing he finds some of this stuff and what he might be interested in trying out (power exchange, specific kinks, etc.) - and then you can turn to the how-to manuals or hands-on training to get you there. If he is interested in more, and you are both comfortable being public about your interests, you could check out whatever your local BDSM scene is.

The only caveat I will add to this is that I strongly believe, from a variety of personal experiences, that people are wired for BDSM or not. And then, even within BDSM, they are wired for particular roles, kinks, play, etc. In other words, you can lead a horse to water kind of thing. So yes, by all means introduce him to your interests and see if you can explore together. But do understand that if he is not wired for BDSM, or not wired for particular things that you want, you may not be able to create a sustainable dynamic that makes both of you happy in the bedroom. Someone who is vanilla might be able to "play" at BDSM for a while, but they won't be able to sustain an interest in it for a lifetime. And someone who is wired for BDSM will always be searching for it. I am not being a naysayer here, but trying to be objective about the risks and realities involved here. At the end of the day, you can each only be true to you true inner selves. And just be prepared to accept the fact that ultimately, he might not be wired the same way as you. My perspective only. Others may have a different take.

damn, you say it so well. i hate sycophants - not trying to be one. i totally agree - he will either be into it or not, can lead the horse to water, can't make him drink.

also agree with sexyred1 right afterwards. great ideas on how to conceptually lead the horse to water, see if he drinks.

OP - thank you for reaching out for help, and for sharing. You are among friends.

i sense that this will be an issue - whatever he gives might never be enough for you. i say that coming from someone who's in your space wanting to take it to the next level, previously only being in "officially" vanilla relationships but being dominant (i'm single tho). i.e., if he was really a dominant man, then he would have freakin jumped at the your request to be taken on site, and spank your ass full of cum (pardon my French). or, grab your hair and stuff his dick in your mouth. at least for me, those two things alone epitomize kink for me, and are very hot. i.e., you hit the nail on the head (pun intended)





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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 5:44:24 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I think you are off to a good start, OP, in the fact that you were able to communicate your thoughts to your husband.  That's kind of a scary step when you don't know how your partner is going to respond.

Along with being sex positive, the other side of that is to remember not to push.  It's the latter part that makes Me hesitate to say if getting to the club so quickly after the subject started is the best idea.  If it's a little soon for him, don't think of it as your only chance.  BDSM tastings (sometimes called Stations of the Cross) generally aren't a one time only deal.  It's an idea that tends to get recycled because people really get into little "tastes" of play.  Usually, these are the lighter side of BDSM, but there can also be some edgier stuff, such as needles and electricity as well.  You'll also want to know if they have open play after the tasting event because that won't be BDSM lite.

One quick comment on the "you are either kinky or you're not' thing.  I don't happen to believe that.  For one, I'm a later in life Dominant and sadist.  The stuff that used to turn Me completely off, now turns Me on.  (Don't expect this metamorphosis to happen with most people.)  I still consider Myself kink optional.  When I'm engaging in kink, I really enjoy it.  When I'm not, it doesn't matter to Me all that much.  There is also the group of non kinky folks who are willing to do what is called service topping every now and again.  Those are the "it's ok, but it's not really My thing" crowd.  From what you are saying here, even if he is one of those "I really don't want to do this" people, you'll still be fine.


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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 6:15:27 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		I'm glad you've thought through how happy you are in the underlying relationship and whether you could live without the kink or not. I think it really helps to at least have thought through the implications of this before starting down this path. Wish you both the best whether you are able to bring out more kink in him, or not.

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 6:29:47 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nevervanillagirl
I can most definitely live with our sex life as it is! It's good and hot, just not kinky! So it's not a deal breaker kind of thing for me.

A very important point and one that, as poise notes, probably bears repeating to him often. Had I felt that I was somehow "not measuring up" when Carol and I explored all this it would've gone down a tragically different path. Instead, it was the two of us love birds sampling a bit of this and that at the kinky buffet... no pressure... no obligation... just some possible fun to be had.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 6:32:50 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I think you are off to a good start, OP, in the fact that you were able to communicate your thoughts to your husband.  That's kind of a scary step when you don't know how your partner is going to respond.

Along with being sex positive, the other side of that is to remember not to push.  It's the latter part that makes Me hesitate to say if getting to the club so quickly after the subject started is the best idea.  If it's a little soon for him, don't think of it as your only chance.  BDSM tastings (sometimes called Stations of the Cross) generally aren't a one time only deal.  It's an idea that tends to get recycled because people really get into little "tastes" of play.  Usually, these are the lighter side of BDSM, but there can also be some edgier stuff, such as needles and electricity as well.  You'll also want to know if they have open play after the tasting event because that won't be BDSM lite.

One quick comment on the "you are either kinky or you're not' thing.  I don't happen to believe that.  For one, I'm a later in life Dominant and sadist.  The stuff that used to turn Me completely off, now turns Me on.  (Don't expect this metamorphosis to happen with most people.)  I still consider Myself kink optional.  When I'm engaging in kink, I really enjoy it.  When I'm not, it doesn't matter to Me all that much.  There is also the group of non kinky folks who are willing to do what is called service topping every now and again.  Those are the "it's ok, but it's not really My thing" crowd.  From what you are saying here, even if he is one of those "I really don't want to do this" people, you'll still be fine.



LadyPact, I think there are people who even if they are "not turned on" by kink can sustain it for a short period of time (define short how you want). But in my experience I've never encountered anyone who was not into it but could sustain their interest for years as part of a relationship. I have just not seen that. You yourself admit that you were not into kink before but now it turns you on. But what if it didn't turn you on. What if, as you describe, it completely turned you off? Would you still be doing this? Would you enjoy continuing to do it if it turned you off? Would you continue to do it for someone knowing it turned them on, but turned you off?

I've been with a partner who did things just to keep me happy. And I tell you something. After a while, that gets tedious. Because as a submissive/bottom part of the dynamic that appeals to me personally is the energy that goes back and forth between a Top and a bottom during play. To me a Dominant/Top is not just someone there to go through the motions, but someone who is just as turned on as I am by the same activities. Someone who can be the yang to my yin. And that energy is simply not present with someone who is simply going through the motions for the sake of pleasing the other person, because they are not actually deriving energy from the interaction. Again, if one is just hiring a Top to go through the motions that is one thing, but if it is your life partner or even some other type of real relationship I think one's general preference would be to have someone who derived energy from the interaction. To me having a BDSM partner who was not into kink would be like having a sexual partner who wasn't into me, but just had sex with me out of a sense of obligation. Yes, the deed gets done, but it's not the same. Thanks, but no thanks for me.

I, too, came to kink later in life. But my sustainable partnerships of whatever category of relationship have only been with people who were also "turned on" by or who "derived energy" from BDSM. I also know many friends who have tried to introduce vanilla partners to kink, and who ultimately were unsuccessful - unless the person actually discovered that they were energized by the interaction.

Again, your perspective may differ because you know of those who are not turned on by kink, but are in long term relationships where they are able to do it for their partners and where the relationships still continue successfully. I just, in my own experience, have not seen that. In my experience, where one partner is not turned on by it, eventually the sex life of the couple returns to what I would describe as a more vanilla kind of interaction. I would be curious of other people's experiences. Again, I am only speaking of my own experiences and what I have personal knowledge of through friends.


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(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/3/2012 6:33:56 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
One quick comment on the "you are either kinky or you're not' thing.  I don't happen to believe that.

And now that all you perverts have finally had you wicked way with me, neither do I.

More seriously, the problem I always have with that is that statement is that it just misses so much of reality. People change and they do so for a wide variety of reasons. I'm currently working on (and succeeding at) acquiring a taste for various ethnic foods that Carol likes. I've pretty much hated Chinese my entire life. Now I'm learning to like it. For me, sadism would be the same thing. Once I got over my initial abhorrence and saw it for what it was, then it wasn't hard to experiment with, it wasn't hard to see how the wires might connect inside me. It would not be hard to acquire the taste if Carol really grooved on it. Heck, over our 17 years together I've changed in much more dramatic ways than that in order to be more compatible with her.

To expand given FTP's comment, I'm not talking about "doing something just to please your partner". That would be pretty cheesy in Carol's and my marriage. I'm talking about actually acquiring the taste.. not going through the motions.


< Message edited by JeffBC -- 5/3/2012 6:35:12 PM >

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How to turn my vanilla into a banana split? - 5/4/2012 12:00:45 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess
LadyPact, I think there are people who even if they are "not turned on" by kink can sustain it for a short period of time (define short how you want). But in my experience I've never encountered anyone who was not into it but could sustain their interest for years as part of a relationship. I have just not seen that. You yourself admit that you were not into kink before but now it turns you on. But what if it didn't turn you on. What if, as you describe, it completely turned you off? Would you still be doing this? Would you enjoy continuing to do it if it turned you off? Would you continue to do it for someone knowing it turned them on, but turned you off?

Holy wall of questions, Batman!  Are you ready?  I'm about to confuse the crap out of you.

First off, I think you might have made an assumption.  I'm not talking about sustaining a full time dynamic or even hard core S/m.  Think more of folks who might get out the silk scares once a month, next month, there might be a light spanking, etc.  It's enough spice for them and it's not exactly what could be called vanilla by their standards, so who am I to argue?

I happen to be a part of a D/D couple.  I also happen to be a sadist.  Neither one of us switch.  We do not engage in BDSM together.  The reason that we don't is because we've tried it out and weren't thrilled with either one bottoming for the other.  Pretty much for the reason that you stated above.  Could I give My husband a fantasy night once every three months?  I'm sure I could, but it's more that he already knows that I don't like it, so he'd prefer that I didn't.

What I was trying to explain in the above is that I'm similar to the OP in the fact that I'm not one of those folks who needs kink.  If My other half and I decided to give up casually topping others, I'd be cool with it.  I don't have sex with My casual play partners anyway.  I'm perfectly content with My sex life at home.  Since nobody is topping and nobody is bottoming, I pretty much consider it vanilla sex.

As I said, I'm a casual top for S/m play.  I top both males and females.  I have never had a scene with a female that turned Me on sexually because I'm a straight chick.  I'm already aware of the fact that it does turn on some of the female bottoms that I play with.  I don't get turned on by certain male bottoms, though they have a different reaction.  It's kind of hard to miss.

Would I still do it?  Hell, yes!  My goal in engaging in sadism isn't about getting turned on.  It's for Me to have fun.  I have a damn good time hurting people.  It's entertaining as all get out just to watch people's reactions and enjoy their pain.  The top space ain't bad, either.  I might even do it to maintain My skill level alone. 

Before anybody goes jumping up and down saying that I'm not a real sadist, let Me assure the readers that I am.  It's just not always sexual for Me.  There are certain people who bottom to Me that it does turn Me on, but that has more to do with who I'm playing with, rather than what I'm doing.  Inflicting pain on that particular person is the turn on because we just work that way. 


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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)
Profile   Post #: 20
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