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Not much of a Dom. - 6/5/2006 6:01:33 PM

Lenina

Posts: 73
Joined: 12/4/2005
Status: offline

So I met my boyfriend (It doesn't seem right calling him my dominant, you'll see what I mean) online about eight months ago. During the whole time before he moved out here he seemed to have a very dominant personality. Though we never really did the "long distance domming" as he calls it, I was assured that when he got here, it would all fall into place and he would take full control of me.
The few times in those months that I went out to visit him (he in Ohio, I in Massachusetts) It all fell right into place, him as my dominant, I as his submissive. And I loved every minute of it. I loved the control he had over me, how willing I was to give over all my power to him, physical and emotional.

So here we are now, and he moved in with me a little over a month ago, and for some reason things aren't happening like I thought they would. While I still express that I am completely his, he rarely makes notice of it. The sex has only once in the five weeks that he's been here been anything but vanilla.
I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just keeps saying that once he gets settled down it will all fall into place. And that answer was fine the first couple weeks of so, but now it just seems that this seemingly vanilla relationship is falling into a comfort zone that I'm worried won't further progress into a d/s relationship.

Long story short, I'm looking for some pointers to get him to fall into his role as my dominant. What can I do or say to help him take charge of what we have?

Thanks in advance for all the comments.

_____________________________

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."
-Jareth

Post #: 1

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/5/2006 6:11:58 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

Sounds like you need to cut your losses and head home.
Hopefuly not all your ties were broken due to your move.
Since its gotten that dead that fast I agree with your assessment he was all talk and no reality..
:-(..
Phil

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to Lenina)

Post #: 2

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/5/2006 6:15:09 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Sadly you are living the problem that occurs when bdsm vacation weekends set up unrealistic expectations for long term day to day relationships.

Also note that you're putting all the blame on him. Somehow HE's the one lacking, HE's the one not giving you what you want. THat's not a very positive or healthy attitude to take. What if he came to you and told you that you just weren't doing your part as the sub to make him feel inspired to dom?

If you want this to work, you need to stop just blaming and see how you can communicate and work together better as a team.

Reposted:
One thing, other than the obvious talk about this with him, is to focus more on "what can I do with this energy to make his life easier?" It's easy to get into the pattern to sit around like an eager puppy just ready to leap for the next scene or order to be given- but try getting into a pattern of being busy and actively seeking ways to do things together.

I'd suggest these threads:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_321594/mpage_1/key_eager%252Cpuppy/tm.htm#321737
Master doesn't want to play

http://www.collarchat.com/m_269547/mpage_1/key_eager%252Cpuppy/tm.htm#269558
He's a switch, I'm a sub, help!

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Lenina)

Post #: 3

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/5/2006 6:18:06 PM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

So here we are now, and he moved in with me a little over a month ago, and for some reason things aren't happening like I thought they would

Well, can we say too much, too fast? Even though ya'll had some actual time together, moving in that fast without actually taking some time is quite a kicker. You and he should have agreed that he would get an apt for a bit first, so that you could actually see how you paired as a couple. Just a thought.

quote:

While I still express that I am completely his, he rarely makes notice of it. The sex has only once in the five weeks that he's been here been anything but vanilla.

Could you clarify please? Because from what you say right here, it sounds as if the only D/s you practice is in the bedroom.

quote:

Long story short, I'm looking for some pointers to get him to fall into his role as my dominant. What can I do or say to help him take charge of what we have?

You can not GET him to do anything. He has to WANT to do it himself.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to Lenina)

Post #: 4

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/5/2006 6:23:54 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

It sounds to me like the man may be confused and lost about what his role is within the relationship... What did he say his experience was like before you two moved in together? How was your communication with one another before he moved in? Is he working?

Is he feeling insecure about living in your home and dominating you there? I don't think I'd have difficulty controlling mine wherever we were (because I would first ascertain his sincerity in opening himself/his home to my dominance/control), but it may be a factor with him.
No sex or only once in 5 weeks hah??? That would be seriously problematic for me, because the only times I am not affectionate for extended periods of time is when there is seething resentment we haven't talked about/resolved. As you two are already living together, I hope things work out with some communication/counseling to your dom; otherwise, cut your losses and ask him to go back to his place while you two sort this out.
Good luck, M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to Lenina)

Post #: 5

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/5/2006 8:16:39 PM

NastyDaddy

Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.

Perhaps you should turn off your submissive 'host' behavior and be totally vanilla in your current roommate lifestyle and see how he reacts to no's and maybe's, and your wearing clothes, lol.

If he isn't a Dom, you can't make him one, regardless of how good a sub/slave you may be. But in the same token, moving and job changes/searches can create a lot of pressure on some, so he may not have settled down yet and possibly will. If you discuss your feelings with him in a rational manner and find he is not capable of being the Dom you expected or thought he was... ask him why he put on the rouge... bitch slap him on both sides of the face and lock your bedroom door when you go to bed.

One more thing about the horse... if it just stands there and does not drink the water, often another horse drawn to it will soon push it aside to enjoy a cool drink.

(in reply to Lenina)

Post #: 6

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/5/2006 9:26:26 PM

petwolf22

Posts: 343
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline

sounds like something i face, my dom virtually disappeared mentally after a "honeymoon" period (and getting back on some needed meds). i wouldn't necessarily recommend it, but we're in counseling right now to help him understand my need for it and to figure out a solution.

Sorry, not all that helpful but i do feel for you and hope you can figure out a positive resolution.

petwolf

(in reply to NastyDaddy)

Post #: 7

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/5/2006 9:32:43 PM

CollaredProperty

Posts: 167
Joined: 6/3/2006
Status: offline

sound like He was all talk and no walk. run, run fast as you can back home or if He moved there as Him to leave.

_____________________________

slave susan
Under A Collar Of Consideration By Master L
Moved to Tulsa Oklahoma
"BDSM SLAVE ONLY, ALPHA TYPE, PASSION FOR EXTREME EDGE PLAY, IT IS NOT ABOUT SEX FOR ME, IT'S ABOUT TPE"

(in reply to Lenina)

Post #: 8

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/5/2006 9:38:37 PM

lisa1978

Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline

I have a tough time making any strong comments because of the little information you gave. What type of life did you think and hopefully talk about with him. Was it 24/7, just bedroom playing or something in between?

Clearly if you are suppose to be doing 24/7 something is quite wrong. If it is more bedroom play then I would ask what are you doing to help set up the atmosphere? Phone and a weekend here or there does not really let you know a person to you actually spend a lot of time together consistantly. I moved to be owned with someone we talked a lot about M/s and 24/7 but it became pretty clear quickly that what he thought he wanted and what he was capable was two different things. Sometimes people can gear up for a weekend here or there but full lifestyle is just not in them.

Like almost all solutions with relationships, sit down with each other, express your concerns and needs and see if it can work out. See if you can do things that help him out and not just rely on him carrying the load.

_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

(in reply to NastyDaddy)

Post #: 9

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/5/2006 9:38:51 PM

wolffeathers

Posts: 315
Joined: 8/6/2005
From: Clearwater
Status: offline

-From personal experence-

My sex life can go vanilla for long periods of time. The BDSM is just iceing, doing it to often makes it vanillla itself.

So, he doesn't seem to notice your submissiveness. If I were to comment everytime my slave does as I wish, it would seem that I am saying she's not enough of a slave.

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

(in reply to petwolf22)

Post #: 10

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/5/2006 9:42:49 PM

slavejlb

Posts: 446
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

for me i beg for the bdsm , not the sex.

(in reply to wolffeathers)

Post #: 11

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/6/2006 3:54:07 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

I can't help thinking you're leaving something out here....

Usually when a sub isn't being controlled as she'd like, she tends to push the boundaries of that alleged control by getting bratty and even disrespectful. Usually it's a subconscious thing that she doesn't realise she's doing and then actually gets confused and down on herself for being that brat and not knowing why - or being able to stop it. The last part is simple; it's ultimately not her place to stop it - advantages of being the "controlee"!

While I understand about taking time to settle etc; esp as it's not actually his domain you're living in, this reads like you should be the "brat from hell" by now - and you're not?

I don't try to be dominant; it's who I am within my relationships. While communication is important, it's ultimately doomed to failure if you've been dudded by a "talks the talk" wannabe. Time to introduce the "bitch factor" - a Dom will put his property in her place and the wannabe will wannabe somewhere else when you do.

Focus.

(in reply to Lenina)

Post #: 12

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/6/2006 6:50:31 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
Time to introduce the "bitch factor" - a Dom will put his property in her place and the wannabe will wannabe somewhere else when you do.

Focus.

Whatever happened to just open and honest communication to work things out as a team?

I agree that putting on a bitchy tone might be right if we're talking about him needing to get into the habit of balancing the checkbook- but for an entire relationship dynamic it won't work. If anything they will just get sucked into the playing of new roles (bitch/strong dom) to keep getting what they want from eachother, which will eventually tire from them also.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 13

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/6/2006 7:56:00 AM

xxmstrchasxx

Posts: 423
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

he moved in with me a little over a month ago, and for some reason things aren't happening like I thought they would.

I have one question for you....does he have a job and working now that he has moved in with you?

I have a very good friend who is a sub and she let her Dom move in and once he did all he did was take advantage of her. They did play but even still he didn't work and cheated on her.

It does take some adjusting but if he was Dom when you met him and all of a sudden isn't now, apparently he wasn't to begin with and just acted the part. You don't want to be a Dom or act like a Dom, you are a Dom, it's your personality, the rest comes naturally to a point.

_____________________________

XxMasterChasxX

(in reply to Lenina)

Post #: 14

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/6/2006 8:27:19 AM

TolerableCruelty

Posts: 447
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline

here's a twist....
are you treating it as a vanilla relationship as well ?

ever try just kneeling by his feet while he's camped out on your couch watching TV ?

saunter around the house naked ?

call him Master instead of "hey honey" ?

just a thought,
T.R.

_____________________________

Never explain~~Your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe you

I'm sorry if I've offended you.... but maybe you needed to be offended

(in reply to xxmstrchasxx)

Post #: 15

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/6/2006 8:41:14 AM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Sounds like you need to cut your losses and head home.
Hopefuly not all your ties were broken due to your move.
Since its gotten that dead that fast I agree with your assessment he was all talk and no reality..
:-(..
Phil

quote:

sound like He was all talk and no walk. run, run fast as you can back home or if He moved there as Him to leave.

_____________________________

slave susan
Un-Collared Property And Always A Lady
"BDSM SLAVE ONLY, ALPHA TYPE, PASSION FOR EXTREME EDGE PLAY, IT IS NOT ABOUT SEX FOR ME, IT'S ABOUT TPE"

Cut the losses and run away? What kind of advice is that?

quote:

Whatever happened to just open and honest communication to work things out as a team?

Exactly.
When Chris and I first moved in together, it was with the intention that I would be slave, he would be Master

It took less than 3 months to discover that there was no way in hell that I would ever be a submissive or a slave.
Did we cut our losses and run? No.
We stayed together for a good many years afterwards for the simple reason that there was more to both of us than just being Master and slave.

Relationships take time, they take work. If you truly want to be with someone, you look beyond the surface to see if there is something there to work with.

You don't just pack up and run away.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to TolerableCruelty)

Post #: 16

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/6/2006 11:04:27 AM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

As often is the case, I'm with Alby on this one.

As I understand it, he's made the move and therefore the commitment, but possibly he may not feel in control at this point. Or, he might not want to be 'on' 24/7. Or a myriad of other possibilities.

Show him these posts which expresses your concern and see how he reacts.

(in reply to Tikkiee)

Post #: 17

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/6/2006 11:16:11 AM

DelRey

Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

If he is the same age you are he likely has very little sexual experience let alone a desire for kink. He needs to be trained plain and simple. One way you can do this is tell him that YOU want to be trained for him and offer to have a third party come in and train you, he will then see what you are into and he can get great experience (monkey see monkey do). I have done this with 2 other couples. The first was totally above board they both wanted to be trained to their roles. The second was exactly your situation. we arranged for "her" to be trained. She met with me privately ahead of time to define the training she would be getting for him to catch on to. It worked. He saw her passion and it wasn't long before he mastered his woman. The relationship lasted about a year before they broke up. She kept needing more of her limits pushed and he was not willing to venture into the extreme with her.

(in reply to Tikkiee)

Post #: 18

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/6/2006 3:05:00 PM

MasterRobert1

Posts: 225
Joined: 7/18/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like he's "not as advertised", which is a fairly common occurance online. As hard as this maybe, consider all this a learnign experience and move on. But, learning something from what has just happened. Because there is a lot to be learned from the experience. Better luck next time.

(in reply to Lenina)

Post #: 19

RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/6/2006 6:50:48 PM

littlemissub

Posts: 118
Joined: 5/4/2006
Status: offline

Lenina, I had a very similar situation with my last Dom and was very hurt by it. It turns out he used to as a kink thing and was not willing to have it as much of an important part of his life as I needed to be fulfilled. I NEED to be dominated and have a strong guide to feel truly happy in my homelife. He just wanted to have a significant other, but didn't fully understand D/s as much as he said he did. If you have tried to talk about it and you feel he is not willing to discuss this, my best advice is to move on. As a sub, I understand that you might need this. So don't compromise your happiness for someone who is not what you thought he was.

_____________________________

~littlemissy~

(in reply to Lenina)

Post #: 20

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