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RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/6/2006 8:26:00 PM   
Lenina


Posts: 73
Joined: 12/4/2005
Status: offline 		"Tikkie:
Could you clarify please? Because from what you say right here, it sounds as if the only D/s you practice is in the bedroom"
- The relationship that we discussed and decided was right for each of us is a 27/7 dominant/submissive relationship, inside the bedroom and out. Not to the extreme  to the point of  me having no say in day to day affairs or  I being the sole homemaker, but the element of I being his property was to always be there.

"blktallfullfig:
It sounds to me like the man may be confused and lost about what his role is within the relationship... What did he say his experience was like before you two moved in together?  How was your communication with one another before he moved in? Is he working?"
- Through our overly extensive conversations which lasted months and months before he made the move, I found that he has had three other submissives, and being a dominant made him feel empowered and fulfilled. He mentioned several times that he enjoyed the fact that he was needed by the submissive.
OUr communication was excellent, there was and is little that we haven't told each other.
He is working, at a job I got him actually, however, he's not very happy at the job and is currently seeking out other options.

"focus50:Usually when a sub isn't being controlled as she'd like, she tends to push the boundaries of that alleged control by getting bratty and even disrespectful.  Usually it's a subconscious thing that she doesn't realise she's doing and then actually gets confused and down on herself for being that brat and not knowing why - or being able to stop it.  The last part is simple; it's ultimately not her place to stop it - advantages of being the "controlee"! "
-Oh how right you are. I keep finding myself being bratty, it sneaks up subconciously. Of course my concious knows that it's all just a ploy to get more attention, but it still happens, at which point he recognizes it and won't give me any kind of attention until I  stop said behavior. So basically it goes from normal vanilla treatment from him, to me turning bratty, him getting pissed off, then I get ignored.

tolerable cruelty:
here's a twist....
1)are you treating it as a vanilla relationship as well ?

2)ever try just kneeling by his feet while he's camped out on your couch watching TV ?

3)saunter around the house naked ?

4)call him Master instead of "hey honey" ?"
-1) I try my best not to, although sometimes after I come home from a long day at work, it slips out.
2) Every night, or at least every other night. That usually warrants me a nice pat on the head, but not much more...
3) All the time, but we live alone, so that's just normal.
4) I have yet to call him Master, I want to, but somehow I feel like I need to wait for a special moment before I say that for the first time... That's a tricky one for me.... I don't know why, but it is.

Delrey: "
"If he is the same age you are he likely has very little sexual experience let alone a desire for kink."
-We're six years apart, I'm 21, he's 27. If anything, I'm the inexperienced one.


-Thanks to everyone for the responses. Just to give a quick update, the other night as we were lying in bed I mentioned that this relationship wasn't going the way I thought it would. He mentioned things like money problems, not being able to find a roomate, job problems etc. All legitimate things causing stress in our lives at the moment. He said he was just trying to keep his priorities straight by taking care of these problems before working too much on the relationship.
My response was that in order for these things to be fixed, we need to work together, as a couple to fix them. So he needs to take a look at his priorities and put the relationship at the top. Or else everything else will likely fall apart.
So last night he came home from work, picked me up at the house so we could run to the store and said he'd done some thinking and realized he'd been a jerk lately. He said he got me a surprise and to open up the glove compartment. It wasn't the collar I was hoping for, it was the most recently released season of a tv show that I watch. I thanked him and hugged him. Now I'm just hoping that he can let himself be my dominant and let me serve him as his submissive... I'll report back in a week or so to let everyone know if there's been any changes.

_____________________________

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."
-Jareth

(in reply to littlemissub)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/7/2006 3:52:03 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Whatever happened to just open and honest communication to work things out as a team?

What happened was that you deleted it!  I mentioned it in the preceding sentence to the one you quoted....
quote:

I agree that putting on a bitchy tone might be right if we're talking about him needing to get into the habit of balancing the checkbook- but for an entire relationship dynamic it won't work.  If anything they will just get sucked into the playing of new roles (bitch/strong dom) to keep getting what they want from eachother, which will eventually tire from them also.

I don't believe any D/s relationship can last if there's a dynamic of constant brattiness, be it preconceived or unintentional consequence.  I was merely wondering why his alleged control hadn't at least been tested to see if it does in fact exist in a r/l situation.  So far, it doesn't seem so....  And I think you've read enough of my posts to know I never propose assuming roles and playing games with D/s etc.  But if ever a sub had a reason to be an attention seeking brat, it's the OP.
 
I'm all for communication but I brushed over it in this instance because I think the OP's gotten tangled up with a wannabe who can't cut it r/l.  If so, no amount of talking or research is gonna change a thing.  If a dom can't do what supposedly comes natural with a willing submissive in an exclusive (?) live-in relationship, just when does the beast within get unleashed?  Answer would seem to be "online", right where she found him...!
 
Focus.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/7/2006 4:21:49 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lenina

"focus50:Usually when a sub isn't being controlled as she'd like, she tends to push the boundaries of that alleged control by getting bratty and even disrespectful.  Usually it's a subconscious thing that she doesn't realise she's doing and then actually gets confused and down on herself for being that brat and not knowing why - or being able to stop it.  The last part is simple; it's ultimately not her place to stop it - advantages of being the "controlee"! "
-Oh how right you are. I keep finding myself being bratty, it sneaks up subconciously. Of course my concious knows that it's all just a ploy to get more attention, but it still happens, at which point he recognizes it and won't give me any kind of attention until I  stop said behavior. So basically it goes from normal vanilla treatment from him, to me turning bratty, him getting pissed off, then I get ignored.

So he's seemingly not dominant when things are otherwise going well but when you act up, he ignores you altogether? 
 
To me, ignoring a sub when she's bratty is quite an acceptable (and effective) response when the Dom or Master is otherwise taking care of her needs, as he's generally obligated to do as the price of ownership and service.  But it's just another red flag here because he's not pro-actively dominating at any time; merely enjoying the fruits of your submitting.  You each have a role to fulfill to make D/s work but he's "missing in action". 
 
Interesting that he's acknowledged he's "been a jerk" but responded as a vanilla hubby in the doghouse might by buying you a non D/s related gift.  I think he missed a big opportunity of showing you who's in charge there!  And a few metres of rope (for eg) would've cost a lot less.... lol
 
I think you're ultimately gonna have to write this off to experience but I hope for your sake I'm wrong.  Take care....
 
Focus. 

(in reply to Lenina)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/7/2006 6:15:54 AM   
spectreandnectre


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/20/2006
From: nebraska
Status: offline 		When Master and i started this relationship it was full force.  Once real life started settling in things became VERY vanilla.  W/we had children, responsibilities, issues at work, the blending of two families.  When i tried to talk to Him about this it was said that there was alot going on at this time.  Well it all took its toll, i too even voiced those same words to RS during that time.  O/our communication slipped away and well things went sour.   To make a long story short i wasn't getting the type of relationship i needed and i ended up leaving.    After months of talking and major communication things came together for U/us.  i then moved back in and things have been fantastic.
Are things here always perfect absolutely not, but are things better?  Sure they are.  i am again full force into the type of relationship that i so craved.
Don't  take me wrong i don't want this to come out that it was His fault because i had enough time to think and realize that what alot of people here said was true.  i realized i wasn't giving this my all either, i realized i could have been more supportive, more submissive in the fact that if He wasnt feeling very Dominant was it possible that it was because i wasnt giving Him what He needed.  TC is correct in the idea that i could have called Him Master instead of dear.  i could have sauntered around naked, i could have sat at his feet like W/we used to do but i didn't. 
Any relationship takes work vanilla or not.  i have been back with Him for almost two months and honestly W/we both think that possibly O/our separation and the communication and things during the time apart have been a blessing to O/our relationship.  W/we are both trying so hard to make this work and things are coming together.  Do W/we still have O/our moments?  Sure W/we do.  But W/we do something about it now. 
It seems that He may be trying but is it possible the stress is a bit much?  i know how stress can affect a relationship.  Look at it like TC is putting it, if i had to do it all over again i would have been sitting by His feet, leaving Him notes to read with alot of D/s themed topics in them just to possibly get His mind back on that aspect of the relationship. 
My only regret on the whole thing is leaving and i may get slammed by some for that but i do realize that i made a horrible mistake and can honestly say that it would never happen again.  i too was scared don't let it push you away if you really care about this Dom.  He has shown you the potential is there so it could just possibly be timing. 
Feel free to contact me by mail if you need someone to talk to would love to be of any help i could.  It helps to talk to someone about those things and without RS during that time of my life i don't think i would have made it.  Thanks again RS. 



_____________________________

"When I see you, the world stops as if the only purpose in life was for me to please you."

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/7/2006 7:08:28 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lenina
I thanked him and hugged him. Now I'm just hoping that he can let himself be my dominant and let me serve him as his submissive... I'll report back in a week or so to let everyone know if there's been any changes.

OK as awesome as this is, I'm going to be the harsh critic here.

One symbolic gesture does not a solid working relationship make.

You shouldn't be HOPING, you should both be continuing to work together and communicate.  How many job applications is he sending out per week?  Interviews?

How many roommates are you meeting every week?  If he doesn't have a job, he can be doing a lot of screening for this.

Yes, stress doesn't help.  But it's what you do in the times of stress that will really define and show you the character of your relationship.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Lenina)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/7/2006 7:30:57 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tikkiee

quote:

Sounds like you need to cut your losses and head home.
Hopefuly not all your ties were broken due to your move.
Since its gotten that dead that fast I agree with your assessment he was all talk and no reality..
:-(..
Phil

quote:

  sound like He was all talk and no walk. run, run fast as you can back home or if He moved there as Him to leave.

_____________________________

slave susan
Un-Collared Property And Always A Lady
"BDSM SLAVE ONLY, ALPHA TYPE, PASSION FOR EXTREME EDGE PLAY, IT IS NOT ABOUT SEX FOR ME, IT'S ABOUT TPE"

Cut the losses and run away? What kind of advice is that?
 
quote:

Whatever happened to just open and honest communication to work things out as a team? 


Exactly.
When Chris and I first moved in together, it was with the intention that I would be slave, he would be Master  It took less than 3 months to discover that there was no way in hell that I would ever be a submissive or a slave.
Did we cut our losses and run? No.
We stayed together for a good many years afterwards for the simple reason that there was more to both of us than just being Master and slave.
 
Relationships take time, they take work. If you truly want to be with someone, you look beyond the surface to see if there is something there to work with.
 
You don't just pack up and run away.
I agree with Tikkiee. That "cut your losses and run" crap isn't going to help you at all. If you walk out everytime things get tough, you'll never have a full and happy relationship.

And you're never going to 'make' him more dominant. You can continue to be submissive to him or do things to be more submissive to him. He'll either take the reins or he won't. seems to me, you fell for your ideal of what he is, instead of who he actually is.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to Tikkiee)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/7/2006 8:41:40 AM   
TolerableCruelty


Posts: 447
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline 		I'm jumping in the boat with LA here....

good for you... you got a DVD out of the deal...

thats a start... now work on the actual problem, and don't sit around *hoping* it fixes itself...
you seem to have made some outstanding points to him while lying in bed... and he expressed his concerns and stresses to you. So now is the time to take the bull by the horns, and show him that a relationship... even a Master/slave relationship... is a partnership.
you're there to compliment him, and serve him, so do as much as you can by helping out with those worries and concerns, like LA pointed out.. the job interviews, applications, lining up roomie interviews, etc etc...

even if its just the small stuff... take care of the little details to let him know you're there to assist him where you can... and let him know its his job to make the big decisions, cause he's the "master". If he's starting to pick up the pace, don't let him slack off... it can only get better, right ?

T.R.

~motivational speaker at large~

_____________________________

Never explain~~Your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe you

I'm sorry if I've offended you.... but maybe you needed to be offended

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/7/2006 3:51:41 PM   
BigDaddySupreme


Posts: 7
Joined: 5/20/2006
Status: offline 		The way you start is the way it will finish.  If it's starting like this it will not get any better.  He did the ole switer-roo on you.  Pretended to be one way and his true nature is now what your getting.

True dominant men do not change from the moment we wake up till the moment we go to sleep.  It isn't a mask that we wear, it is or core inner nature.

Dump the slug and move the hell on!  And tell em I said so.  He is missrepresenting the "game" lifestyle and making us look bad!


(in reply to Lenina)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/8/2006 7:40:06 AM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: spectreandnectre

When Master and i started this relationship it was full force.  Once real life started settling in things became VERY vanilla.  W/we had children, responsibilities, issues at work, the blending of two families.  When i tried to talk to Him about this it was said that there was alot going on at this time.  Well it all took its toll, i too even voiced those same words to RS during that time.  O/our communication slipped away and well things went sour.   To make a long story short i wasn't getting the type of relationship i needed and i ended up leaving.    After months of talking and major communication things came together for U/us.  i then moved back in and things have been fantastic.
Are things here always perfect absolutely not, but are things better?  Sure they are.  i am again full force into the type of relationship that i so craved.
Don't  take me wrong i don't want this to come out that it was His fault because i had enough time to think and realize that what alot of people here said was true.  i realized i wasn't giving this my all either, i realized i could have been more supportive, more submissive in the fact that if He wasnt feeling very Dominant was it possible that it was because i wasnt giving Him what He needed.  TC is correct in the idea that i could have called Him Master instead of dear.  i could have sauntered around naked, i could have sat at his feet like W/we used to do but i didn't. 
Any relationship takes work vanilla or not.  i have been back with Him for almost two months and honestly W/we both think that possibly O/our separation and the communication and things during the time apart have been a blessing to O/our relationship.  W/we are both trying so hard to make this work and things are coming together.  Do W/we still have O/our moments?  Sure W/we do.  But W/we do something about it now. 
It seems that He may be trying but is it possible the stress is a bit much?  i know how stress can affect a relationship.  Look at it like TC is putting it, if i had to do it all over again i would have been sitting by His feet, leaving Him notes to read with alot of D/s themed topics in them just to possibly get His mind back on that aspect of the relationship. 
My only regret on the whole thing is leaving and i may get slammed by some for that but i do realize that i made a horrible mistake and can honestly say that it would never happen again.  i too was scared don't let it push you away if you really care about this Dom.  He has shown you the potential is there so it could just possibly be timing. 
Feel free to contact me by mail if you need someone to talk to would love to be of any help i could.  It helps to talk to someone about those things and without RS during that time of my life i don't think i would have made it.  Thanks again RS. 




awwwww *blushes profusely* hunny you're more than welcome you know that..... is what friends are for *hugs*

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to spectreandnectre)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/8/2006 7:57:01 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
Time to introduce the "bitch factor" - a Dom will put his property in her place and the wannabe will wannabe somewhere else when you do.

Whatever happened to just open and honest communication to work things out as a team?


Gotta say I'm 100% with LA on this one! Communicate, communicate, communicate.... IF he refuses to communicate THEN maybe the time to stamp your pretty feet but be certain you have tried every way to open those lines of communication FIRST!


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/8/2006 7:59:52 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BigDaddySupreme
True dominant men do not change from the moment we wake up till the moment we go to sleep.  It isn't a mask that we wear, it is or core inner nature.


Also very true... however we ARE only getting one side here.... rule out the communication difficultys first....then look and see what is there.... if what you are left with isn't Dominant on the inside, there are hard choises to be made!


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to BigDaddySupreme)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/9/2006 12:18:59 AM   
NJSubGirl


Posts: 47
Joined: 4/10/2006
Status: offline 		oh my!! I feel for you! You may as well date some vanilla guy you could meet at a bar or something! What a let down... esp. since you were being specific about who you were trying to meet and your intentions!  Good luck... ehhhhhhhhh

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/9/2006 4:44:35 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
Time to introduce the "bitch factor" - a Dom will put his property in her place and the wannabe will wannabe somewhere else when you do.

Whatever happened to just open and honest communication to work things out as a team?


Gotta say I'm 100% with LA on this one! Communicate, communicate, communicate.... IF he refuses to communicate THEN maybe the time to stamp your pretty feet but be certain you have tried every way to open those lines of communication FIRST!

Just so we're clear here....
 
You're agreeing with LA (100%), who disagrees with the quoted section of my post?  Yet she left out the important preceding sentence of my post dealing with *communication* which, when you put the two together, pretty well says what you're saying in your own words?
 
Here's my 2 sentences:
"While communication is important, it's ultimately doomed to failure if you've been dudded by a "talks the talk" wannabe.  Time to introduce the "bitch factor" - a Dom will put his property in her place and the wannabe will wannabe somewhere else when you do. "
 
If you're really just trying to make points with LA, how 'bout leaving me out of it, k?
 
Focus.

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/9/2006 5:16:19 AM   
Furr


Posts: 36
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		IMHO, while his dominance is subjected to the other concerns in his life, you need to serve him more and deeper.  Then refocus so that your DS pleasure comes from pleasing him.  Let him be your life and find your pleasure in that.  But express your needs as well, let him know that you are patiently awaiting him.

Might not work, but then you will know that you have done all that could be done.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Not much of a Dom. - 6/11/2006 12:12:41 AM   
WolfinShadow


Posts: 27
Joined: 11/13/2005
From: twin cities Minnesota
Status: offline 		I have read all the great comments here , well those except the cut and run comments, anything worth having takes work to get and maintain . I find it Odd than No one said anything about the " he moved in with her" thing . For me personally when a Top/Dominant moves into his Minions place it is a warning sign? why not the other way around? and Like others asked what about his employment? Does he have a job? A House? a Car?

Ok Maybe I am wrong , In that case I would second the voices that say life intrudes , Take it from someone Who lives and breathes BDSM , 24/7 is a fantasy that ignores jobs,  children , headaches and car troubles , Not to mention menstral cycles and depression . REAL life ::smile:::

So , if he is not a bum living off you and sitting on your couch playing video games , And if you can accept that your going to have a vanilla life also , sometimes, just cause. Well then I reccommend realistic expectations , for both of you , long nights of discussion , Open and frank talks until 4 am .

Then perhaps when your feeling submissive , Just BE submissive and see if he responds , Better yet make a night out for BDSM . Choose a time to BE and then let the pressure off for a bit . and while I am on the subject.

Keep in mind that its a  lot  LOt of pressure for the Dominant personality to always be " On" to always be " right" to always KNOW what to do and where to go . its nerveracking to make all the decisions so help out a bit , even if its just a " well your girl would like lobster instead of steak tonight. "

and if you want to get adventurous , Make an evening YOU plan and execute , feel the pressure of making everything " Just right" and you may see why he fails to rise to every occasion.

Course I could be wrong and he could be an Internet prodigy , Inventing himself a " persona" that is less than a year old and may have used up his bag of tricks . Then I suggest A REAL teacher!! someone with experience and time under their belt . ASk questions , attend seminars , Go to teaching events , TALK TO PEOPLE. its not rocket science I know excellent Top/Dominants who Have a GED and VAST knowlage of wiiwd.

_____________________________

Wolf
Headmaster Shadow academy
Minnesotas first and only BDSM school

(in reply to Lenina)
Profile   Post #: 35
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