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racecardriver -> RE: Recovering a submissive (5/12/2012 8:37:34 AM)
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Thank you for your posts. You are very knowledgeable in Domestic abuse. I would like to point out the following facts (this is posted as a third person to illustrate a point):
1. The OP discovered abuse during intimacy with victim when seeing bruises that appeared to be caused by a closed fist, and some on areas of the body outside what is expected.
2. Confronted the victim who was in total denial, spent two days with intense discussion providing endless references, in an intervention style. He finally and gradually was able to get the victim to acknowledges abuse, but become despondent OP promises to help.
3. OP researched and found few kink aware therapists in this area to choose from. the victim selected one of the therapist who based on research appears to be skilled and well known. The OP is paying at a significant cost, and is committed to finishing the treatment. The OP specifically advises victim that he expects no pay backs. He can afford it therefore he will do it.
4. The OP and the victim were in a relationship before any abuse issues were known. It was during intimacy that the OP saw the bruises. Although in a relationship only for almost three month the OP and victim developed a degree of affection and were on track to advance their relationship. The victim is fully aware of the OP marital status. The OP has significant amount of affection towards the victim, and is told by the victim that she shares his feelings. He does realize now that the fact this all happened under the dark cloud of abuse, the victim's declarations are not valid.
5. After discovering abuse, all sexual and BDSM activity stopped initially for about two weeks later sexual activity resumed lightly based on victim's request . Apparently with the therapist hesitant approval and monitoring.
6. A couple of weeks later the OP is told by victim that therapist advised victim that it will help her if she submit to someone else. The OP never met or talked to therapist, and never discussed anything about victim's therapy with victim who conveyed this message.
7. OP is trying but cannot be a dominant mostly because he feels bad for the victim.
8. OP posts in BDSM board, he is told by almost everyone that he is an asshole, at first he is defensive, but soon recognizes his mistakes.
Last night OP discussed with victim that it is very wrong for her to submit in the wake of her abusive relationship she is still dealing with, he also castes doubt on shrink's professional ability and offered to change therapist. Victim is upset and admits to the OP's surprise that it was her idea that her submission would help, the therapist never suggested that. Only suggestion was that it is possible to continue intimacy. OP suggests that intimacy should also stop to allow her a clear mind. He vows support to continue. Victim is now very upset sobbing, and thinks that OP is deserting her despite his verbal reassurance. She claims to enjoy their time together. OP has no intention of any further intimacy but will continue to be supportive, he left the question open for now to relieve the victim's anxiety. They both agree that OP will make an appointment and discuss this issue with shrink (if deemed appropriate by shrink). OP is concerned now that victim wants to continue intimacy for fear that OP will leave. OP does not think this is an acceptable reason, he will stay as a platonic friend. At this point OP is convinced that this relationship in not likely to be viable in the future, other than friendship, and hopefully he will prove that intimacy is not needed to keep OP around to see victim through.
It is more likely than not that the OP's background helped him discover the abuse, in the face of severe denial by the victim. The victim originally became confrontational, and the OP put his relationship with her on the line. It would have been easier for him to just turn a blind eye, but with the possibility that someone he genuinely cares for is being abused he persisted. Despite being married the OP prefers monogamous and long term relationships, with women who are fully aware of his situation, and willing to accept it. He will never divorce his wife who is extremely well cared for in a safe and supportive home environment, but he must step outside his marriage for a meaningful relationship with a woman. The OP's work is specialized in an area that has nothing to do with domestic violence, and he has never encountered a victim of DV in his work. Last time the OP learned about DV was in school almost 20 years ago. The OP is emotionally and physically involved in this situation and trying to help, which is what he thought he was doing, when he asked the original D/S question. The OP does acknowledge that based on common sense alone he should have questioned the logic of a D/S relationship while victim is recovering from abuse, especially when he was unable to be a dominant and became frustrated. The OP acknowledges his mistake, as he was too close and too emotionally involved. May be that is why physicians are discouraged from treating loved ones. OP does not want any compassion or applaud as he does not think he deserves any. He does want some of the vocal members to congratulate themselves for bringing the OP to his senses, and to acknowledge that not many would actually go out that far on a limb to help someone in this situation. The op would like these members to be more objective and look at the whole situation the bad and the good. He hopes these informed posters would consider that despite making mistakes that may have delayed the victim's recovery, he is willing to correct them, and he did act when may be it would have been easier for him not to , and hopefully he would have made a small contribution to the effort of helping an abuse victim out of her abusive situation, and avoid the pitfalls that could lead to another one in the future; of course that remains to be seen.
I would like to thank all who posted as this is my last contribution to this post.
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