Is it possible to stop being submissive?

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Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/10/2012 2:45:05 PM

littlegirl713

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/19/2010
Status: offline

Hello everyone,

I am in a really great relationship with a man who is my best friend. We've been together for over a year now, but he does not have a single dominant bone in his body. I have always been submissive, and I love being dominated and humiliated. I've tried to encourage him to be more in control, but he just can't do it, and when he tries, I don't believe him because I know that isn't who he is and that he is only putting on a front for me. Lately I have been missing being submissive more and more, and my thoughts are increasingly drifting back to my past relationships. What do you suggest? Is it possible to simply stop being submissive, or to ignore something that up until now I thought was such an important part of my sexuality and general disposition?

Post #: 1

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/10/2012 3:15:14 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Hello and welcome to the discussion side of CM, littlegirl.

No, I do not believe it is possible to "stop being submissive."

Are some people capable of burying their submissive needs and desires? Do some sublimate, substitute, or just plain suffer? Yes, they do.

Should they? Should you? We don't know, we don't know you. But you know, if you're not married to this guy, and he can't give you what you need, in the long run, how is that going to play out for you?

Won't you make both of you miserable in the end?

You are very young, very beautiful, and live in a very kink friendly (for the most part) country. You can find someone who can give you what you want and need, you don't have to settle.

You already know all this, it's why you started this thread.

Best, CP

_____________________________

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Post #: 2

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/10/2012 3:23:35 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

It does not seem to be possible for you to stop being submissive, and it may not be possible for him to become dominant, but how about you guys try exploring various facets of BDSM together to see if you can find activities you both enjoy. For example, he might not care for humiliation, but discover that he loves fireplay (don't learn this on your own.)

Here's a booklist: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

There's lots of kinky events in London - try fetlife.com or informedconsent.co.uk. Also look for some U35 (under 35) groups.

(in reply to littlegirl713)

Post #: 3

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/10/2012 4:14:54 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Well, NiceButMeanGirl is the poster child for that. She was a sub for years and then got these Domly feelings inside her. They kept getting stronger, and now she's a full-blown Domme. But this was due to her self-realizing - it's not something she forced.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 4

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/10/2012 4:21:09 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

I cant blame you for thinking about it all the time. How people go back to vanilla relationships is beyond me - I couldnt do it. I know if I tried, I would just get more and more irritated with my partner - and myself.

Go find your groove and get it ON !!

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to littlegirl713)

Post #: 5

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/10/2012 4:39:02 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

Can you stop your passion? Anything is possible with conditioning. But by your own words you feel it is an "important part of your sexuality" and part of your "general disposition". So it may be possible for others but you hold your sexuality as something that is important and see your core disposition as being submissive. It sounds like you would lose your identity if you succeed.

Dump the vanilla guy and get someone that fills your desires and appetites. Get someone that doesn't leave you so hungry, you post on forums asking if it is possible to suppress your own core being to get rid of the empty feelings your unfulfilled desires are causing.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to littlegirl713)

Post #: 6

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/10/2012 10:39:25 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

You can't stop being what you can, you can only pretend you aren't, or try to find ways around it.

You need to have a good serious talk with him about your needs and your expectations on him if you know you want to stay in the relationship. The following are some scenarios which may work for you:

- Find a Dom who would mentor your bf to be your Dom (with his consent of course)
- Find a Dom for yourself outside of the relationship. Whether you tell your bf or not... it's up to you guys to work out.
- Find a Dom/me for the both of you to explore with. If he's not dominant, maybe he's actually submissive?
- Attend a regular play party with him. Let others "warm you up" and he can finish you off.
- It's unclear if by "submissive" you meant in bed only or otherwise. You can certainly teach yourself to act more submissively in the relationship without him being aggressively dominant. Always have his favourite beverage waiting, always answer in the affirmative to his wants, when faced with situations where you feel you're taking charge, reverse your thinking to "he wants me to do it for him so he doesn't have to" and "what would he do".

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 7

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/11/2012 7:34:26 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

In my opinion it is possible for some people and not for others. For starters, you'd have to define what you mean by "submissive". Or, better yet, let's talk about me and "dominant". When I say I am "dominant" I'm referring to how I view the world. I'm referring to generally seeing myself as in control of my life and the world around me. One specific way that plays out is in my marriage, but I could take or leave that. I assume an authority role my marriage because that happens to work out well between Carol and I. In some different situation or with some different woman I could and would assume some different role... whatever it is that seemed like it would make happiness happen. For me that's easy because my "dominance" isn't wrapped up in my role in my relationship. Whether or not I boss Carol around just isn't that critical to me.

You, however, talk about a longing to submit in your post. So obviously, for you, a submissive position is important to your happiness in the relationship. In addition, you are unwilling to train your dominant. So that kind of means your stuck with finding an experienced dominant.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to littlegirl713)

Post #: 8

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/11/2012 3:06:08 PM

DarkDreems

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Joined: 5/9/2012
Status: offline

quote:

I am in a really great relationship with a man who is my best friend. We've been together for over a year now, but he does not have a single dominant bone in his body.

There was a time I would have probably said the same. Somebody saw something in Me that I didn't see at the time. Letting it out was a slow process, but its possible. Just because you don't obviously see a "dominant bone" visible, doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't there.

He's your friend? Work with him as a friend. Take a step back, and approach it as though you are both newcomers with under-explored kinky sides to you. Don't just see if he can rapidly perform in a complex, subtle role that involves relaxing a subtle sadistic thread in one's outlook that vanilla people are in the habit of stomping down into quiescence. Help him learn about the lifestyle. Maybe you'll learn some new things too. Focus less on the roles, and more on the fun. If you can find things that he's comfortable with that are fun for you both... you've layed a foundation. And don't just make it about physical sex, explore other options like writing erotic stories for each other or together. Exploring ideas in the head can be an easier first step before acting on them in life.

Speaking from my own past experience, it can take a little while to feel ok with acting on things that you can visualize. In his head they may seem erotic but his mental habits may keep them locked in tight. Bringing them out into the physical world is a transition. If his sexual history has sheltered him from that challenge, he's going to need time AND somebody he trusts to do that with. Be a friend. Be a sub. Help him to discover that he's safe with you, exploring things he hasn't explored before. Will he end up a Dominant? Who knows. Don't push that. Just focus on helping him be more him. Whatever is inside will start to come out, and maybe its something you'll both discover you can really work with. Maybe not. But if you find a process that makes whatever he is, be ok... if nothing else you should still have the friendship, instead of perhaps losing it to mounting frustration on both sides.

(in reply to littlegirl713)

Post #: 9

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/11/2012 9:28:31 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

i was like you and i am submissive and my wife is not intrested in the lifestyle. she is very understanding and has allowed me to be owned and now even encourages me to visit my Mistress to get my head straight. now poly may or may not work for you but above all else talk with your hubby and make sure he knows how you feel and invite him to learn more about what it is you want. discuss things and see what comes of it. i wish you well in your journey. if it helps the both of you can contact me for help if is wanted

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LadyPact

(in reply to DarkDreems)

Post #: 10

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/11/2012 9:48:58 PM

AngelOfSilence

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Joined: 5/8/2012
Status: offline

Can you stop being straight?

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My lack of concern for your sensibilities knows no bounds.

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Post #: 11

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/11/2012 9:56:47 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Well, here are your choices....you can simply submit to him without him having to dom you...cook his dinner, wash his laundry, run errands for him, make his life easier. If you want to be of service and submit to him, then just doing so should be enough without him having to say anything. The longer you continue, the more he will recognize your efforts and may even start to feel a little more control over you.

Or if you're just looking for kinky sex and he doesn't wan to do that then you can either leave him for someone else that matches your interests better, or ask him for an open relationship where you could see someone to satisfy your desires.

There are other options but I find those to just plain plain wrong.

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 12

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/11/2012 11:16:39 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Agreed. Submissiveness and kinky sex don't have to be mutual. One can exist in a complete M/S an/or D/S relationship for ages and never have anything but soft missionary position sex for ten minutes every third Saturday.

Submissiveness to me is more about a state of mind and being than it is sex. The sex is just the icing on the cupcake of surrender

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Post #: 13

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/12/2012 5:30:54 AM

Soyokaze

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Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline

The times I've thought about not being submissive anymore also involved me thinking about becoming a hermit : p Personally, I've never done a regular relationship, and don't think I could. I agree with Kana on the sex and submission.

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Post #: 14

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/12/2012 12:06:48 PM

Englishcrumpet

Posts: 43
Joined: 2/28/2012
Status: offline

i had an interesting experience with this a while back. nice guy.., shared interests, funny, etc., - but not at all Dom and i couldnt hack it. i found myself getting snarky and pushy and destructive and in the end, after confusing the hell out of him, i told him that it really wasnt him and it really was me - i cant do vanilla.

but it does depend if this is a more physical need or a more pschological one. for me its more psychological, the less control a guy has over me the more im likely to pull away and destroy it.

if its physical then there are remedies to that, but that might involve a play partner - lots of kinky people in vanilla relationships do that btw.,

< Message edited by Englishcrumpet -- 5/12/2012 12:07:57 PM >

(in reply to Soyokaze)

Post #: 15

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/12/2012 3:41:27 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Well for one, kinky sex and humiliation isn't necessarily part of being submissive.
But I am curious. If you met this guy and have dated him for a year, what the heck kept you there? I mean I have dated a lot of guys but didn't commit to any of them until I knew we "clicked" on all levels.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlegirl713

Hello everyone,

I am in a really great relationship with a man who is my best friend. We've been together for over a year now,

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to littlegirl713)

Post #: 16

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/12/2012 7:52:09 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Can you? I don't know. Only you can answer that.

The first step in doing that is assessing the difference between want and need. Some people prefer or want BDSM and/or an authority dynamic. Other people feel that they need it. Honestly question yourself and see which side of the fence that you are on that one.

With that answer in mind, look at your relationship. If it is only a want, are you happy enough with this guy that it doesn't matter? If it's a need and you have already tried, you may want to consider other relationship options. That could be poly or finding another primary partner. Again, it's time to evaluate where you are and where your guy is about the options available. You being willing to have somebody be an outlet for the BDSM part may be good for you, but not something the guy is willing to accept.

As for Myself, I do have a Dominant personality, but it's not a necessary part of My primary relationship. I'm cool with other outlets or not having an outlet at all. Some people really are kink optional.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 17

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/13/2012 6:27:18 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

FR~

I hate sports, my boyfrind lives for sports, can I stop hating sports? Is there enough in our relationship that I can still be happy even if I have to put up with sports? Could he be happy without sports?

The real question is about comp[atibility, is there enough in your relationship for it to survive as is, or do you think his lack of D/s interest will ultimately force you to look for someone else to feel happy?
Can't stop being what you are unless you want to have some serious mental and emotional issues down the line.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 18

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 5/13/2012 4:10:19 PM

dMo

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/30/2010
Status: offline

If it truly is that important to you, you need to let him know.

Speak to him about how important it is to you that this need be fulfilled, and that it's a potential deal breaker without it. Perhaps he'd let you play out your fetishes and open the relationship or perhaps once he knew how serious the need was he'd step up and work on being dominant. A good relationship gives from both sides regardless of Dominance and submissiveness.

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 19

RE: Is it possible to stop being submissive? - 6/14/2012 2:59:53 PM

AVegasMaster

Posts: 119
Joined: 8/2/2010
Status: offline

Short answer: YES.

(in reply to dMo)

Post #: 20

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