Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (Full Version)

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Quivver -> Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 5:06:23 AM)

This isn't a rant as much as it is an observation but, it is something
I've pondered now for some time and only have a few clues. 
We all claim our spot, be it Dominant, Submissive or Slave buy how
we view that position, how it fits what we feel or seek.
Yet the face we show to the outside world doesn't match up. 
Let me explain...  I have made many friends in my time here on CM. 
Although my profile say's I seek Dominant Men I've not limited my
chatting to only them.  I struck up a friendship with a Male Sub. 
After getting to know him on a Nilla level there is no way I would ever
consider him as Submissive, his personality is very Dominant.  On further questioning it seems he chose his title as ~submissive~ purely because of his
sexual preferences.  Then on the other side of that fence I've met Men who
chose Dominant for their title who show submission in many facets of their life,
but again their sexual preference is where they drew their title from.  I'm not immune either as one of those who choose Submissive for my spot.  Sure I am sexually submissive, but when paired correctly I can be a damn good girl in other area's as well.  Although I hear often more how independent I am consistently with that questioning tone of your submissive?  It's common sense that not every Dominant is made for every Submissive, over all its finding that right fit.  I'm curious as to how others have dealt with these two faces in themselves and how they have adjusted it with others. 
 
Q



sabswife -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 5:14:15 AM)

i am not sure if this actually relates to the actually OP question, but here goes...

i am submissive sexually, and to my Dom in all situations, but for the most part in day to day life i can come across as a dominant personality.  this is changing though, as i am coming to realize that it has been forced on my part to overcompensate for feeling that my submissiveness was weakness.

for example at a party i would be the centre of attention and then cry all the way home because i had a miserable time...  now that i am understanding more who i am -- i wonder how many more there are like me out there..



givemyall -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 5:20:02 AM)

Im very dominant in my lifestyle - I have to be, but im also very dominant natured in the bedroom but like to be dominated.... its makes for an interesting situation and it takes one hell of a man to deal with me.....but once they have my submission, then they have me..... I guess its all down to respect (no im not a switch).  My two faces are very different and I dont expect many Dominant men to want me due to my reasoning, but like you said, its each to their own and it all depends who you are with.  If people dont want to like me because of my ways, then thats their perogative, but I dont allow it to affect my life, because they obviously aren't for me.
I guess im as submissive as I want to be and its also what im confortable with, so I dont think that I adjust my faces to suit. 

Ohhh wow that was hard to put into words lol



Sunshine119 -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 5:21:48 AM)

I think it is a matter of the appropriate match-ups between two people.  For instance, I am a very dominant woman in all of my relationship outside that of the one with my Dominant.  I have heavy responsibilities in my job, in all my volunteer activities, I am a leader, however, with Him, I am always submissive.  Most people who know me would be shocked to find out that I am a natural submissive.

Because he is a naturally Dominant person and stronger than me, I find myself naturally submitting to him.  And I love the feeling.  And this is not only in a sexual fashion.  I submit in every aspect of our lives.  I love taking care of him and devoting my energies to fulfill his needs and desires, be it something kinky or making sure his pants are ironed just so.  I love cooking for him and pleasing him there as well. 

I really believe that we can understand how we feel most fulfilled (as I do when being submissive) however, we must find the right person to submit to.  Not all people are more dominant than many submissives and not all submissives are less dominant than many who consider themselves dominant here.

Consequently, when we get to know others here who consider themselves one way or another, we can only feel how dominant or submissive they are compared to ourselves.



darkinshadows -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 5:40:59 AM)

I HAVE to identify as 'a submissive' on CM.  Not because I am, but because the other options are definately what I am not.
 
Anywhere else, at a group or a munch or walking down the street and shopping, I am me.  What people identify me as doesn't bother me one bit, because it isn't up to them to what makes me - me.  The only person that can define me is me.  When I submit to a person, then it is the relationship that defines us, not how we act.  But even in a relationship the dominant submits.  Whether that is His own desires, or accepting his partners limitations, it is still submission.
 
Why should we even contemplate as people as either 'submissive' or 'dominant' - unless we are in that kind of relationship?  Why should I view my friend Peter, as anything else other than 'Peter' even if He is a male submissive?  He is who he is?  Do people see their gay friends as gay - or as a person?  How about that accountant you might know, who is actually a part-time musician?  Do you see the accountant, or the musician, or both?  Or do you focus on the friend?
 
Peace and Rapture



Quivver -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 6:14:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows

I HAVE to identify as 'a submissive' on CM.  Not because I am, but because the other options are definately what I am not.
 
Anywhere else, at a group or a munch or walking down the street and shopping, I am me.  What people identify me as doesn't bother me one bit, because it isn't up to them to what makes me - me.  The only person that can define me is me.  When I submit to a person, then it is the relationship that defines us, not how we act.  But even in a relationship the dominant submits.  Whether that is His own desires, or accepting his partners limitations, it is still submission.
 
Why should we even contemplate as people as either 'submissive' or 'dominant' - unless we are in that kind of relationship?  Why should I view my friend Peter, as anything else other than 'Peter' even if He is a male submissive?  He is who he is?  Do people see their gay friends as gay - or as a person?  How about that accountant you might know, who is actually a part-time musician?  Do you see the accountant, or the musician, or both?  Or do you focus on the friend?
 
Peace and Rapture



I must agree, yet on the flip side when one's meets another the assumption of
who and what you is that first impression they form.  Either side of that coin
is not necessarily true.  Possibly this is just formed from our want of instant
gratification. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 6:15:44 AM)

Personality is not the same as relationship orientation.

To me it's not a conflict at all.  There really is no "submissive act" except in the stereotype world.

The one's it becomes a conflict for are the ones who have boxed ideas into "this is for subs" and "this is for doms" and then see themselves in the "this is for doms" box.

Don't create the boxes and you won't have the conflict.  You are who you are.  You will submit in the relationship you feel is right for you to submit.  Anything else is just you being you.



Quivver -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 6:19:32 AM)

Your right Lucky, wanna create a bumper sticker so we can get the word out?




hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 6:33:36 AM)

I can definately sympathize with Quivver's original post.  I find myself frequently being faced with "How can you call yourself Submissive when your profile reads so Assertive and Dominant?"   What, because I submit to one person that *I chose, I can't have very specifically stated wants, needs, limits, expectations of conduct, and the ability to speak in a straightforward manner?
 
I admit to those that I talk to that I'm not particular submissive in life.  Heck, I even admit it in my profile, up front.  I've always considered my submission to someone else to be a privilage that they earn, not something that they gain by right of birth or self proclaimed position.  Add to that the fact that - well - submissive doesn't mean stupid, weak willed, incompitant, or indecisive and there seems to be a growing faction who make assumptions about what someone else "has" to be.
 
Part of the problem, as I see it,  is that sites like this one offer only a very limited selection of Lables to apply to ourselves concerning our preferences and assumed role within the scope of BDSM.  Don't get me wrong, I love the site.  Yet I can't help but wonder why the choices offered are limited to dominant, submissive, switch, and slave.  What happened to lables such as Top and Bottom, indicating a primarily physical/SM orientation?  For many of us the inclusion of that sort of label would clear up a lot of the confussion and the drek emails from misguided souls who mistakenly want to place us in a box that we reject.
 
Rhi



Quivver -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 7:31:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach
Part of the problem, as I see it,  is that sites like this one offer only a very limited selection of Lables to apply to ourselves concerning our preferences and assumed role within the scope of BDSM.  Don't get me wrong, I love the site.  Yet I can't help but wonder why the choices offered are limited to dominant, submissive, switch, and slave.  What happened to lables such as Top and Bottom, indicating a primarily physical/SM orientation?  For many of us the inclusion of that sort of label would clear up a lot of the confussion and the drek emails from misguided souls who mistakenly want to place us in a box that we reject.
 
Rhi


Rhi, Personally I dont know that more lables is what we need.  I think maybe
if we all just took a deep breath and entered into things without expectations
or preconcieved notions we might be better off.!  I try to take my own advice
on that even though sometimes it's awful hard!!!
thanks for the imput!



CrappyDom -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 7:40:55 AM)

Years ago at a party I was at an attractive young couple came in with a tall dark and handsome dominant with his attractive submissive.  He was quite outspoken and protective of his woman who was a bit on the quiet side.  It blew us all away when he got up on the cross wearing only his pink underwear which had emblazened across the back Mommies little slut!!!!!
 
We became good friends with them and they later explained that he plays the role of gentleman to her.  As we got to know them and recognized the more subtle cues it was quite clear who was in ultimate control but the roles they played clearly did not fit the standard boxes.



Tikkiee -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 7:44:53 AM)

quote:

I HAVE to identify as 'a submissive' on CM.  Not because I am, but because the other options are definately what I am not.

Perfectly said. There were no options for just Masoshist, so I HAD to choose submssive for the site.
Howerver in RL, I do not make it a point to state that I am just a masochist. I am just me, and those who know me, accept that.



KatyLied -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 8:02:40 AM)

quote:

but when paired correctly I can be a damn good girl in other area's as well. 


Really?  Do tell....hehe

Enjoying compatible personalities is important.  I think it's more important than identifying as either sub or slave.  Everyone looks at those terms differently.  I've had Doms (I've chatted with on-line) tell me I don't seem "sub enough".  But with the right person my level of submisstion (or slavery) is not an issue. 



CrappyDom -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 8:13:04 AM)

I was watching Farscape last night and thinking about how people view submissives.  I think that the raven haired beauty that is the renegade peacekeeper is sort of my ideal submissive.  A strong warrior with brains and beauty to do and be anything she wants.

It is funny, while I despise bratty behavior, I love strong independent women (and yes, I realize those two are different).  I think many think that having a submissive woman is supposed to be easier but I think that is far from the truth.  Making a d/s relationship work is hard and requires a lot of both parties.  Why would I choose to tackle something so difficult with anything less than a gloriously strong and independent woman?   Anyone can get a dog to obey, just like I can physically dominate most people.  The glory lies in mentally dominating a woman who dominates most others and because of the man I have made myself into chooses to submit to me!



KatyLied -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 8:24:12 AM)

quote:

Anyone can get a dog to obey


Exactly.  I've never understood the mentality that some have that just because a person identifies as submissive that they are/should behave like a robot or doormat.  It's a power exchange, and part of that is seeing the power being taken from the sub by a Dom who knows there is more to it than spanking an ass.  I prefer someone who takes the time to know me, and will draw me out and get me to submit to the difficult things....and allow me the room to think and process about those things.



NCSilverWolves -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 8:39:54 AM)

I really  hate being refered to as  a bedroom submissive. Being a single mother for the past 10 years, I've had to rule the roost as they say. I am a very dominant person to all that know me. Even other doms I've met have stated that to me as well. I'm persistant in knowing who, when, where, what, and yes why. When it concerns everything about myself, my kids, my whole life. But when given the chance.... as reality and chances allow... my submission  isn't restricted to the bedroom.  Hense for now at least... I am not involved in a live in D/s or M/s relationship. Master Wolf lives in another town (sucks for me...lol) but it's for the best and I know it.... doesn't mean I have to like it. But I know because of the cards delt to me and how I've lived such a dominant life for so long now..... being able to let go of a lot I've had to do will be hard as hell.

My life has changed.... my sexual preferences haven't. (actually not true.... they've grown) Just being able to live the life I loved for years prior... had to take a backseat.



Kirei -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 8:44:05 AM)

  Quivver what you are seeing is the everyday mask most people show.  The reason many people don't always seem like the people they say they are after you talk with them a little is because of how they react to other people.  We have our true selves which stay hidden to most of the world and then there is the mask of ourselves that most of the rest of the world sees. 
  In astrology this is called taking on the qualities of your accendent sign....in Frudian its that mask term, but basically the same thing.

   Thats why good communication and talking with someone can help you find out about people.  Yet remember emails, blogs, IMs, etc, do not always show you the true person.   Sometimes a person you may skip over as being not right for you might have actually been perfect for you.  People today tend to judge too quickly, but our society is sadly based on judging quickly too. 



Proprietrix -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 8:49:13 AM)

I think a few others hit the nail on the head. When choosing orientation here at CM, there are only 4 choices: Dominant, submissive, slave or Switch. Fetishists, masochists, Tops, bottoms, sadists, etc... have to choose 1 of the 4 boxes closest to how they identify.



Quivver -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 8:52:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
Really?  Do tell....hehe


Oh now that's IT, the Mudd Wrestling is ON!!!
[:D]



mnottertail -> RE: Title chosen from life or sexual preferences? (6/6/2006 8:55:27 AM)

Remember your friendly neighborhood auctioneer when it comes time to peddle admissions.............


Ron



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