Need advice from a Dom (Full Version)

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BecomingHeMan -> Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 6:35:16 AM)

Hello everyone. I'm really excited to be on this forum. I'm looking for advice and insight on being a Master. My wife and I recently experimented with an open marriage and her partner introduced her to D/S. She was obviously the slave in this relationship. However, in turned her so much and our marriage was strained due to some very stressful life experiences over the past couple of years that she has fallen in love with him. She attempted to try to teach me to be her Master but it failed miserably because she wasn't nearly experienced enough and it didn't happen naturally for us.

We are trying to save the marriage and are in sex therapy but we both know that I'm going to have be her Master if the marriage is going to last. Although the first few times we tried it didn't go well, it piqued my interest enough that I am turned on by being dominant over her. I've gotten a few books to help and she and I recently had a heart to heart where she told what he did and what she liked. At some point in the next few weeks she and I are going to have to begin our physical relationship again to see if it will work. She's basically going to have to give me a shot and she's going to have see some sort of growth in me as a Dom over the a period of time. Because right now she's finds herself incapable of looking me as a dominant person. This partially because I have had anxiety issues over time, I have smothered her at times and because of her experience with this veteran Master.

I'm looking for a Dom on here to help give me advice and help train my brain for this big step in my life.



DarkSteven -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 7:00:01 AM)

I answered you in the Intros thread. Only one of your crossposted threads will survive. Like Highlander.



BecomingHeMan -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 7:07:38 AM)

Got it. Thanks dude.



JeffBC -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 7:13:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BecomingHeMan
I'm looking for a Dom on here to help give me advice and help train my brain for this big step in my life.

Some advice? you can't win, give it up.

You are competing with a figment of her imagination. She doesn't live with this other "master". She is not "owned" by him. She had a bit of a fantasy fling and is hooked on it. Assuming both you and your wife want this to work (a big assumption in my mind), then the question I'd be asking is not whether or not she sees you as "dominant", but whether you see her as "submissive". Why not just tell her to do stuff... "Make me some bacon and eggs for breakfast." and if she balks tell her, "quit screwing around with me and decide if you want to be a slave or not."

The problem with testing for either dominance or submission in an existing relationship is that there is only one way to pass the test. From your standpoint you have to be prepared to divorce her if she does not obey. If you are not ready to do that the you cannot win. The real question in my mind is "Why play unwinnable games?"



littlekitten1 -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 7:25:07 AM)

I think a way to make her see you as dominant is to simply be consistent... I think in some cases its possible to turn these things around. I know at least, that this is what I'd react to.
So ... If you used to be her equal, and then suddenly try to take charge, she doesn't take you seriously. But if you continue to be dominant, eventually it may kick in that this is just how things are now. So don't give in to childish attempt at topping from the bottom and all that.

Also if you threaten with a consequence due to her being obedient, always keep that word. I know with my last relationship, I couldnt take it seriously, because whatever consequence there'd be, he'd always bail out on it and say: Well NEXT time.


I dunno... I guess just consistency is my suggestion ^^ How you do it is up to you.

Edit: Also, sorry but I am submissive, but I think maybe you need a submissive's point of view as well :) I hope many more will reply too.



OsideGirl -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 8:38:40 AM)

I'll also add that you may want to find a male Dom/ female sub couple within your community that are willing to serve as mentors. That way you can see what a 24/7 relationship is really like.

Some will find this offensive, but I firmly believe that it's easy to be submissive or Dominant when you're only seeing your SO once or twice a week/month, etc. It's when day to day life raises it's head that it becomes difficult to stay on the path.



Char2688 -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 10:13:18 AM)

You may want to consider bringing a dominant in to help you both



angelikaJ -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 1:51:45 PM)

Not a dominant partner but I do have a few suggestions.

I do see you have read some things.
Reading lists:
Having you read any of the following:

When Someone You Love is Kinky; Dottie Easton and Catherine A Listz
http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239

S&M 101: A Realistic Introduction; Jay Wiseman
http://www.amazon.com/SM-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389/ref=pd_sim_b_5

The Loving Dominant; John Warren
http://www.amazon.com/The-Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159204/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1337287581&sr=1-1


I have other suggestions: Do you know exactly what it is that your wife is looking for?
Kink in the bedroom?
A power exchange relationship?
To what degree? Master/slave; Dominant/submissive?
A release for masochistic tendencies?
A place to explore her fantasies?

Is she interested in primarily pain play, bondage, service or rough sex?


My other suggestion is to find a kink aware/kink friendly counselor or therapist just for you.
It might help you figure out if your wants, needs and desires are compatible with your wife's.

You also need to fix the breaks in your relationship that had nothing to do with her kink.
You did not drive her to the affair.

The unfortunate fact that you were married when you began your relationship with her, may mean that she doesn't have a strong attachment to monogamy.




tennisman2388 -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 2:16:50 PM)

"Playing an unwinnable game".....an apt description.

Dude, you're in a major pickle, whether it's D/s or a vanilla relationship. The dynamic is all wrong and she's got you auditioning for the privledge of continuing to be her husband..........yuck. Plus, she's infatuated with her discovery of her submissive tendencies, and totally romantizing her relationship with this new-found Dom.

Your relationship issues have nothing to do with learning how to be a good Dom. I think you're only chance (and frankly it may be too late) is to start asserting yourself and regaining your self-respect on every level.....forget the Dom part. In other words, you're not going to allow yourself to be emotionally played, and you're perfectly capable of being her Dom and making her squirm, but that's beside the point. What's required of HER is to commit to the marriage unconditionally........then when you're satisfied that SHE is making progress.....submit to the spanking of her life (or more) for daring to thinking she could neuter you in such a fashion. That's how I see it.       



JeffBC -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 4:52:03 PM)

@tennisman2388

Better stated than my post. Yes.

@OP
If it helps you any, you both don't know jack about needing to be her master in order to save the marriage. THIS master would tolerate your wife and her delusions of slavery for approximately 30 seconds. She has some fantasy in her head... that's it. The REALITY of slavery is the slave does as she's told.

Honestly, under no circumstance whatsoever would I "audition to be her husband". I'd tell her that if that's the game, I lose and I want a divorce now. Let her go find some other wannabe master to play games with.



JanahX -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 6:19:13 PM)

I think you see it as a "roll" - thus it is just an act that you put on.

There is a big difference between someone with a dominant personality that comes naturally. Its who the are.

Now if you are just talking about topping in the bedroom - go to munches with your wife and see how its done - watch others and talk to real live people that do this kind of thing. Thats how you can really learn what youre doing and not cause any harm to her.



Just1on1 -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 8:41:01 PM)

Focus on the love you have as a couple and how it came to be. The fantasy master and slave thing is just that. I suggest, if you consider yourself an Christian, seek counseling with a southern baptist minister who is qualified in the area. I'm not SB but I do respect their in-depth focus on couples. Try to let the D/s grow in time from it.

BTW most ministers have heard it all.



MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/17/2012 11:50:55 PM)

 
Personally, I don't think one can fake being something their not... but that aside, I'd suggest:

1)  Each of you complete a BDSM Checklist -- to see where you share common interests.

2)  Do the things to her you enjoy, and tease her with the things she enjoys -- remember, if you're to be the dominant, then she's there to serve/please you... both in and out of the bedroom.

3)  When beginning your "physical relationship again", bind and blindfold her in the beginning... this will allow her BRAIN to feed her fantasies, and will relieve some anxiety on your part, 'cause she won't likely know if you're bumbling about.




DesFIP -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/18/2012 5:57:54 AM)

This isn't about being a master, it's about topping.

You need time to learn these skills. Join your local kink community and ask people whose skills you admire for suggestions on how to learn them.

Start with stuff that can't go wrong, like spanking. Keep away from the tailbone, focus on the bottom half of the bottom. And go to town. Use your hand, a hairbrush, a wooden spoon and any other household items that appeal.

But I don't think it will work. Because she will expect you to be a mind reader and know when she's enjoying it and when she isn't. And nobody can do that.

My suggestion, like Jeff, is that you decide where your line in the sand is. Do you expect her to be monogamous from now on? Or to only play with people who you permit her to? Do you expect obedience out of her? But right now she's the master in the relationship, she's set it up that you have to top her the way she wants when she wants it if you want to have sex with her. Does being a supplicant, hoping she'll approve of what you say and do turn you on?

She's set up a situation where anyone would be anxious.

Btw, you don't need sex therapy. You need marriage counseling.



mons -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/18/2012 7:57:03 PM)

helHello op

I had always had feelng of being dominant, but I did need to learn how to
be correct in my way of having someone submit!

I learn from someone whom was teaching me to be submissive, this was after
he learned I was able to be submissive to anyone including him, and he taught me very well
there is a way to learn! by asking for help you show you will be one good Master!

I have learn but then I still am learning more which is a part fo being human we never
stop learning!

go for it and I wish you the best

mons



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/18/2012 8:03:15 PM)

Dude, you already posted in another forum section. This is not done (Okay, it's done, but only by those who are total idiots.)

What were you thinking?

Um, we're all the same forum. Only the most obtuse don't get that. Please, don't deal with the most obtuse.

*Quality girl*



MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/18/2012 8:39:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

...you don't need sex therapy. You need marriage counseling.



[sm=agree.gif]





MasterPlans -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/20/2012 11:51:17 PM)

There has been some excellent advice on this thread for the most part. My thoughts: you can't learn to be a Dom, You are or u are not. You can only learn to be a better Dom. The other thing is do you feel you can LIVE this and is she worth it? If so you better start saying shit like "why is'nt my fucking dinner done yet bitch?" or "you have 3 minutes to get a load of laundry going or your getting the belt." Yes, be demanding, consistant, strong, even when you ask "how was your day?" Quit being a pussy. Do as you say you will do. You don't need to be scary or abusive, just take charge and own it... own her. As for being Mentored stay on these boards until you learn more, it would be a shame for you to find someone unqualified to teach you when you don't know the difference. I tutored spanish once, I was no way close to fluent.



KnightofMists -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/21/2012 3:42:18 AM)

Damn... You are indeed in a losing position. It really does seem to me that she has stacked the cards against you. I can't see how you can compete against the fantasy in her head or the romanced version of her experienced with this other guy. She is in the embrace of NRE ( new relationship energy) but the relationship is this fantasy view of this lifestyle and your not part of it.

Btw... The problem is more about her than it is about you on this score.



BBBTBW -> RE: Need advice from a Dom (5/21/2012 3:52:21 AM)

You said you are in sex therapy. Is it sexual DOMINANCE that she wants or is it complete DOMINANCE?



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