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Lockit -> Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home (5/22/2012 10:32:39 AM)
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I’m sorry about the length of this, but I want this to be somewhat clear…
As in many things in life that rock us to our core, I am flip flopping emotionally. As a mom you would think you step aside and think about your children’s needs no matter what and they come first, but in this, I can’t put my ‘self’ aside. Add to the flip flopping, a serious lack of sleep, I don’t remember when I last ate and its been one hell of a ride. I’m as messy as I can get emotionally, handling it the first twenty four hours, falling apart the next twenty four hours and having flash backs I never had before the text. I don’t remember how many days its been since that late night text. I think I did the angry, scared, crying flashing back bit for a day or two and then I said enough, took a stand and felt comfortable with it, until a text that woke me up from a dead sleep after a couple hours. Now I am here. For two nights my friend… thank you friend… has called me and talked about this and many things, helping me keep myself glued together, see different aspects of this and agreeing on, holding back to see what happens.
Daddy didn’t just go away and abandon his children without support, while telling the world I wouldn’t let him see the kids. No, this was a man that was so abusive that the police woke a judge up in the early, early morning to get a restraining order after seeing the condition I was in. This is the man that raped me all the time, once five days after the birth of a son and splitting mama in three directions. The man that took my children out of the country to get me to come home and wouldn’t agree to bring them back until I did it. The man that threatened the life of my grandfather to control me. The one that found me even in one of the most secret and secure shelters in that decade. The man that held me against walls by the throat with my feet off the ground, hired people to terrorize me so I would be afraid and let him come home so he could punish me for leaving (his own words) and so many other things. It took three escapes to escape him and then he terrorized another woman to the point of having to move into a secured building, he did get into. Then he wrote a fifty thousand dollar hot check on a truck and left town.
(Why he never did time for any of this, I don’t know other than it was a sign of the times. He even used false social security cards, as I found out after a couple years of marriage, he wasn’t a US citizen. It was hard to tell because when I searched a social security card showed up for him. It took a government agency to discover the truth and then they wouldn’t deport him because he was married with children.)
The next I heard from him was a couple years later when he called to see if I was still married. No hello, just… Are you still married? He didn’t want to talk after I said yes and I said… you don’t want to talk to your children? I was in the moment and stupid, wanting to call him on it all. My mistake… big mistake. He talked to one of them… and made a promise to him. He broke that promise and soon my son was so broken over the abandonment and who his daddy really was, that at seven he wanted to kill his daddy for a year. It took a year to calm him. However that son never got over it and it effected him until the events of his brain damage.
Finally after fourteen years, the court caught up to him and enforced the $174. In child support, per month for three children. No change in the amount since the divorce and his making huge amounts of money and holding two residents in two states. No contact, they wouldn’t tell me where he was, but I found him, but by this time I was afraid to raise the amount somehow because I knew that would bring him back at me. He waited until all the kids were adults… till he couldn’t be forced to pay for anything and now is back, knowing where we all live and claiming to be a changed man. I believe he has already lied.
My son went for the throat in questions, blame, etc. but now within days is friends on fb and joking. My daughter, always mourning that she didn’t have a daddy and a family other than me and her brothers, doesn’t want to ask why, she just wants her daddy back.
In all the cases and family situations I’ve worked in domestic abuse and the like, I never ran into a case I was personally involved in where a daddy came back or a situation like this. Even if I had, I am not sure it would do much good because this is my case and I am by far, not distanced from it. I want to see a changed man, but I don’t see a changed man. I saw him do something on fb that spoke to me… same man, never disagree with him or you will be punished.
My friend says wait it out. The healthy kids will see that he isn’t doing one thing for the brain damaged son, that needs some things I cannot provide and then they will see he really isn’t changed. But I am finding I cannot even speak to my daughter for fear I will say something that breaks something or someone. My son hasn’t even tried to talk to me. The man has money now… as I always knew. I think my son wants some and while he remembers the many times of police and being escorted home by eight police cars and so much of it all… I don’t think he can face me with what he is doing. I am supposed to spend the next two days with my daughter and I don’t believe I can. I know my red headed attitude, emotional state and my mouth.
I was hoping for a little insight and maybe some experience from you all. I’m still struggling with the flip flop emotionally and while I want to do what is right… distancing myself was the only thing I could do to stop the flash backs and take a bit of control back, but this morning the thought of two days with my daughter, franky, scares the hell out of me. Got anything for a freaking out old woman that is going nuts that her children she tried so hard to protect and take care of, wants to snuggle up with daddy, her nightmare and severe abuser that abandoned them?
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