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Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 10:32:39 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I’m sorry about the length of this, but I want this to be somewhat clear…

As in many things in life that rock us to our core, I am flip flopping emotionally. As a mom you would think you step aside and think about your children’s needs no matter what and they come first, but in this, I can’t put my ‘self’ aside. Add to the flip flopping, a serious lack of sleep, I don’t remember when I last ate and its been one hell of a ride. I’m as messy as I can get emotionally, handling it the first twenty four hours, falling apart the next twenty four hours and having flash backs I never had before the text. I don’t remember how many days its been since that late night text. I think I did the angry, scared, crying flashing back bit for a day or two and then I said enough, took a stand and felt comfortable with it, until a text that woke me up from a dead sleep after a couple hours. Now I am here. For two nights my friend… thank you friend… has called me and talked about this and many things, helping me keep myself glued together, see different aspects of this and agreeing on, holding back to see what happens.

Daddy didn’t just go away and abandon his children without support, while telling the world I wouldn’t let him see the kids. No, this was a man that was so abusive that the police woke a judge up in the early, early morning to get a restraining order after seeing the condition I was in. This is the man that raped me all the time, once five days after the birth of a son and splitting mama in three directions. The man that took my children out of the country to get me to come home and wouldn’t agree to bring them back until I did it. The man that threatened the life of my grandfather to control me. The one that found me even in one of the most secret and secure shelters in that decade. The man that held me against walls by the throat with my feet off the ground, hired people to terrorize me so I would be afraid and let him come home so he could punish me for leaving (his own words) and so many other things. It took three escapes to escape him and then he terrorized another woman to the point of having to move into a secured building, he did get into. Then he wrote a fifty thousand dollar hot check on a truck and left town.

(Why he never did time for any of this, I don’t know other than it was a sign of the times. He even used false social security cards, as I found out after a couple years of marriage, he wasn’t a US citizen. It was hard to tell because when I searched a social security card showed up for him. It took a government agency to discover the truth and then they wouldn’t deport him because he was married with children.)

The next I heard from him was a couple years later when he called to see if I was still married. No hello, just… Are you still married? He didn’t want to talk after I said yes and I said… you don’t want to talk to your children? I was in the moment and stupid, wanting to call him on it all. My mistake… big mistake. He talked to one of them… and made a promise to him. He broke that promise and soon my son was so broken over the abandonment and who his daddy really was, that at seven he wanted to kill his daddy for a year. It took a year to calm him. However that son never got over it and it effected him until the events of his brain damage.

Finally after fourteen years, the court caught up to him and enforced the $174. In child support, per month for three children. No change in the amount since the divorce and his making huge amounts of money and holding two residents in two states. No contact, they wouldn’t tell me where he was, but I found him, but by this time I was afraid to raise the amount somehow because I knew that would bring him back at me. He waited until all the kids were adults… till he couldn’t be forced to pay for anything and now is back, knowing where we all live and claiming to be a changed man. I believe he has already lied.

My son went for the throat in questions, blame, etc. but now within days is friends on fb and joking. My daughter, always mourning that she didn’t have a daddy and a family other than me and her brothers, doesn’t want to ask why, she just wants her daddy back.

In all the cases and family situations I’ve worked in domestic abuse and the like, I never ran into a case I was personally involved in where a daddy came back or a situation like this. Even if I had, I am not sure it would do much good because this is my case and I am by far, not distanced from it. I want to see a changed man, but I don’t see a changed man. I saw him do something on fb that spoke to me… same man, never disagree with him or you will be punished.

My friend says wait it out. The healthy kids will see that he isn’t doing one thing for the brain damaged son, that needs some things I cannot provide and then they will see he really isn’t changed. But I am finding I cannot even speak to my daughter for fear I will say something that breaks something or someone. My son hasn’t even tried to talk to me. The man has money now… as I always knew. I think my son wants some and while he remembers the many times of police and being escorted home by eight police cars and so much of it all… I don’t think he can face me with what he is doing. I am supposed to spend the next two days with my daughter and I don’t believe I can. I know my red headed attitude, emotional state and my mouth.

I was hoping for a little insight and maybe some experience from you all. I’m still struggling with the flip flop emotionally and while I want to do what is right… distancing myself was the only thing I could do to stop the flash backs and take a bit of control back, but this morning the thought of two days with my daughter, franky, scares the hell out of me. Got anything for a freaking out old woman that is going nuts that her children she tried so hard to protect and take care of, wants to snuggle up with daddy, her nightmare and severe abuser that abandoned them?


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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 10:40:04 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Do your local authorities know your history? Make sure that they do. I know PPO's arent worth much, but you need to protect yourself.

I have nothing but long distance love...we both know that this is a dangerous man with an agenda. Ne careful, and do whatever you have to do.

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[page 23 girl]



(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 10:47:20 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Your daughter is the same woman she was before 'daddy' made contact.
She had the same yearnings; you just didn't know about them.

Your daughter is the same woman.
I don't think you need to treat her any differently.

If she brings it up I think you should ask her if she really wants to know.
If she doesn't bring it up then remember she is the same person.

(((hugs)))

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(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 10:52:29 AM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		I am so sorry this is happening to you.  Are you afraid personally, or are you afraid that your children will be physically/emotionally hurt?
Assuming your concern is for your children, and that they are adults, what can you do?  At most, tell them what your concerns are, and remind them of what this man did to you/them in the past.  You will have to tread pretty lightly, even at that.  They are adults, and have to make their own decisions, including bad ones.  If I had to guess, with the history you have described, they will not be fooled for long.  Yes, they may be devastated (again) but what can you do, but let them make their own mistakes?


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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 11:04:48 AM   
ashjor911


Posts: 7793
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: balcony, having a Smoke
Status: offline 		sorry, I can not help.

I never understand how some men.. can beat Women... for any kind of reason..

{........................................................................................................................} > this part was removed by ashjor911 for violating TOS..

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"operative" working undercover for the federal government of bangladesh.

my name is : bonsh ... jamesh bonsh.
code name : 009.5
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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 11:06:22 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you ladies. I don't know what I am or what I am afraid of for sure. The flashbacks freaked me out a bit as I had never had them. I was so far passed it and removed that it never bothered me and though I could speak about it all, I didn't have any real emotions about it. I wasn't in denial or anything and was living a balanced life, though a hard one, even at the hardest, I didn't go to dark places. I always had faith in myself, never felt I deserved it or anything. It was just what happened and I moved on to busy with career and children to go there. I did work around a lot of professional counselors and such and no one saw anything I needed to work on or any residue when working with others in crisis.

I have come to the conclusion that I can't prevent adult children from doing this. My heart breaks for the pain that must be there in a degree maybe I didn't realize, but I think learning to cope may have hidden some things in them and maybe in me, since I did flash back. I just don't want to add any hurt to my daughter especially, but knowing she isn't thinking of what he has done... and she was real young and doesn't know all of it... that I may say something or react in a way I don't expect because of where I am emotionally. The grand kids will be there both days and I just don't want to take the chance of something happening and losing what cool I would normally have and may not have now.

I'm told he comes here twice a year on business. Now I feel like I am looking over my shoulder at all times and this is so unlike me. I fear very little. I am armed. Still... I think it is kind of a transport in time emotionally and though I never did victim very well... lol... I am going there on an emotional level at moments.

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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 11:27:13 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		From my own experience. Your kids are adults. Were it me, I would talk to them and tell them about your own fears and why. They are adults and deserve to understand you and where you are coming from. Explain that because of this, you have a realistic concern for them and your own well being. That you do not want him around yourself and that you will go to any measures to keep him away. That you expect them to respect you and your concerns and not give him access to you. Then let them have the relationship they feel they need to have with him.

In the mean time, protect yourself as you feel you need to. To a degree you need to seperate the two issues. They are gonna do what they feel they need to, have the relationship they feel they need. You cannot change that. At this point in time you are not responsible for that. You are only responsible for taking care of yourself......even if your adult children don't like what that entails.

Your kids are adults, even though you will always be their momma. They will make their mistakes and suffer the consequences. All you can do is be there when they need you. As much of a mother fucker as all of that can be.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 5/22/2012 11:30:08 AM >

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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 11:29:41 AM   
punisher440


Posts: 4122
Joined: 4/10/2011
Status: offline 		Lockit,sometimes the best you can do let your children make their own choices and just be there if/when they get hurt.His true nature will show through in the end and your children will see him for what he is.Take the high ground because when everything settles down again,your children will know who was there for them when it really counted in the past.Yes,it is not easy going through this but this might give some closure to your kids and then you all can go forward,just be there as the rock they need.I wish you luck.

(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 11:32:40 AM   
fluffypet67


Posts: 4421
Joined: 3/8/2012
From: Moorestown, NJ
Status: offline 		{{{HUGS}}} Lockit

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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 12:10:57 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Everyone has already told you what I would have said but I do have one more thing to ad. The way I read what you said, have you friended him on FB? If so, remove him. Don't have any contact with him whatsoever. Out of sight out of mind.

Like everyone else said, your children are adults. You tell them your fears and concerns and then let them make their own decisions. I've had to do the same thing with my adult child when I thought she was making bad decisions. I can't make her do anything though. She has to decide for herself. All you can do is be there for the fall out.


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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 12:26:21 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone. I didn't friend him on FB. No way! I just saw it through a post my son made on his fb page. I am staying away from there. My profile there is only seen by friends, but I don't count on that setting there. I am just drawing back, trying to deal and trying to see things as reasonably as I can. You all are confirming what I believe but also you are pointing things out that in my cloud, I haven't thought yet and that is why I came here. So many of you have such a balance and experiences that help, that I wanted to see what others said, even if some came to kick my ass! lol Sometimes a good ass kicking is needed! However, I do like the hugs better!

I text my daughter and just told her that I have things in all of this that I am dealing with and that though we need to talk, I am not ready for that and think a visit with the kids and all, might be a bit risky at the moment. I am not myself. She responded well, said we will talk when I am ready. I am not sure how well she gets it, but if I am pulling away, I think she knows me well enough to know this is best. We are all overly sensitive right now so it is best not to get into things until we each have time to sort things out.

I am trying to cut the parental tie in this. I normally don't have much of a problem with that, as I didn't raise children, I raised adults. However, I know I will struggle trying to take some of that back and also with the fact that I feel like I need protection at least in an emotional sense and can't get why, even if it is a daddy... one could justify wanting and needing a man like that simply because he says he is good now. As you can see... I have a ways to go before I am through this and thinking right!

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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 12:30:22 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Protect yourself and C-man first. At all costs.

I don't want to sound hyperbolic, I didn't go through anything at all, really, but I was up close and personal with one of those kinds of men.

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[page 23 girl]



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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 12:45:39 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I've been pretty careful all these years. I haven't left a lot of dots to follow. In fact, in part besides my brother, you know why I never approved friends requests when I realized people could find me through my email. I got rid of that real quick and learned the fb settings! lol

I have an island in front of one door, but because of C-Man, I can't bar the other door. I know he heard me crying one night. Kind of hard to hide everything and I really thought he was asleep. He is being calm, sticking to himself and he may have heard me say his dad's name. Normally that would bring about a flipping of the bird, but so far he is doing fine. My only worry if there is indeed something to worry about, as I know his dad is on the road a lot, is that he wouldn't hear someone at his window or know what to do if someone did get in. We haven't had any problems since the window peeker and I upped security, but cannot afford anything else. I do have some sort of weapon in every room but his. He doesn't explore and I protect the grand kids with how I have placed everything. Many people have been here and never found anything other than a baseball bat. I don't tell people either.

I would not hesitate to do whatever was needed if he got to close. I wouldn't recommend it. Right now he is trying to impress the kids... I don't expect anything unless something comes down between them. Then... well, it might be time for a very loud security system... I would like to move I think, but I will wait until I calm down to decide anything. I won't decide in some sort of a panic. I might talk it, but I won't walk it. lol

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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 1:29:37 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}}

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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 1:59:04 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		People have pretty much covered it.  I know you are emotionally jumbled, but I think deep down you know that they have to make their own decisions.  (C is the exception on that, I would think.)  At the same time, their decisions don't get to override your personal boundaries.  Make it clear that no information about you gets passed from the adult children to this man and that includes stuff that they might want to post on FB.  Let them know that you respect their decisions about if they want a relationship with this man, (sorry, but I won't call him another term, unless you'd like sperm donor) but there won't be any connection with you personally.

If they ask, tell them the truth.  You're not dealing with little children here.  It's not your job to shelter them or ensure that they have a relationship with him.  It's not about making him look like a good guy because it's in their best interest.  They are old enough to make a decision based on facts. 


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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 4:01:52 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		Keep us updated, so we don't have to worry about *you*.

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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 4:14:37 PM   
ashjor911


Posts: 7793
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: balcony, having a Smoke
Status: offline 		yeah... I will second that

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my name is : bonsh ... jamesh bonsh.
code name : 009.5
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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 4:40:20 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Lockit.... Lady P and LaT have kind of beat me to it. My brothers first wife ran off wife another guy, my brother brought up the kids. he kept contact with her for the sake of his children. As they, the kids, got older, they all decided (seperately) they wanted to live with mum. Now none of the kids want anything to do with her. Trust your own kids have enough sense to do whats best for them.

Big hugs from across the pond.

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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/22/2012 5:13:47 PM   
DomKen


Posts: 19457
Joined: 7/4/2004
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		FR

I am a survivor of an abusive home. My parents alternately beat and neglected my brother and I. To this day I still love my mother and father despite the things they did to me and my brother. I feel rage and hate too but still I miss them both and feel regret over things I said and did in anger before their deaths.

I think it likely your children are like me to some degree. They know what he did and deep down have not forgiven but the mere possibility that he has really changed is enough, pretty sure it would be for me. When he disappoints them, and it seems likely he will, be there to pick up the pieces and love them like you always have.

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RE: Twenty three years later, Daddy’s home - 5/23/2012 3:22:10 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		Lockit, as Polite said, youve gott some wonderufl thoughts and there is really nothing I can add . I had a problem with one of my stepkids a couple of years ago and as Polite said, my adult kids found out the hard way what type of person the step kid is.
I am sending huge hugs and moral suport , I think I gave you my details a while back, use them if you feeel the need. good luck and if you neeed anything let me kow. I hate thinking about you all going thru this, huggs

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