A question on partnered Slaves (Full Version)

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niceguy88 -> A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 2:31:56 AM)

Hi,

I was just looking through some profiles and a thought came into my head. Most male Doms seem 100% willing to take on submissives who are in a relationship or even married. The majority of female Doms seem to find this a disqualifying factor from servitude. Why do you think this is? Or have I got my numbers wrong?

I was thinking it might be due to the ability of real female Doms to pick and choose from a large base of submissives and so can be much more critical. Or maybe there is something inherently more psychological about it all.

Thoughts?

Thanks for reading.



masmiss -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 2:43:15 AM)

I can only speak for myself when I say that it's because women want a relationship. Not just playing or sexy fun outside of a primary relationship.

Those who are polyamorous may disagree.

I guess there will be many answers depending on people's needs.



niceguy88 -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 2:53:07 AM)

Thats a great point Masmiss, there are many different kind of Doms, with different kind of needs. e.g. God/Goddesses looking to be worshipped and spoiled with less emphasis on a relationship, Mistresses who are looking for a full time relationship with mutual growth between Mistress and submissive and many, many more. I guess just a lot more Male Doms seem to be out for just playing (in no way do I mean all Male Doms).



LadyPact -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 2:54:12 AM)

I think your numbers are wrong on a realistic standpoint.  I find that most people aren't willing to be a secondary relationship to someone when they don't have a primary relationship of their own.

If you are just talking about sex, I find that females are less likely to just want to be somebody's piece on the side.



niceguy88 -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 2:59:25 AM)

I wasn't making the post with sex in mind but I think you are right "that females are less likely to want to be somebody's piece on the side." But I have seen quite a few profiles which suggest that, that is what exactly what some submissive women want, to be used, dominated and then return to their own vanilla life. I don't know if these are genuine profiles I have not been on this site very long, but outside of this profile I have seen a similar minority.



ProlificNeeds -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 4:23:44 AM)

I wouldn't rate anything by profiles here, at least half are probably just people fishing for internet fun, not serious encounters.

As far as being willing to take on a male submissive already attached, I would, but that sub would have to understand he is also a second priority, my primary will always be finding a long term partner of my own.

Everyone wants to be someone's #1, and Lady Pact has it dead on. People will always want to focus on making a primary relationships to fit all their important needs, before taking on a secondary that likely doesn't fulfill all their needs. Sort of like focusing on the cart before you even have a horse, it's a bit backwards.



OsideGirl -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 6:31:20 AM)

Also, keep in mind that men typically outnumber women at least 10:1 in WIITWD. So, just by that statistic, it would be more men period, then add in desperation factor.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 6:52:56 AM)

I know LOTS of women who are willing to be the piece on the side.

Speaking for myself, I will take on a married submissive with their spouse's permission. BDSM activities, even the nonsexual ones, are based on trust. Why would I trust someone who starts their relationship with me with a lie? Also, I am not going to schedule my life and plan my activities around an invisble third party unless it's a minor child.



littlewonder -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 7:04:12 AM)

most men who frequent sites such as this are not looking for anything serious. They're just looking for someone to fuck and play with so it really doesn't matter if the sub is already married or not.

Most women however, are looking for something more than a quick fuck and smack.



ResidentSadist -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 8:26:06 AM)

“Most male Doms seem 100% willing to take on submissives who are in a relationship or even married.”

I think you got the numbers completely backwards. By the numbers, Dommes will take the married and cheating whereas Doms will not. By my exposure as an admin to 280 members of a local BDSM society, I suspect your impression is skewed by the horny husbands online posing as Doms so they can get some free online cam-slave action? You know how it goes right? Wife at the Mall, kids in school, a 6 pack of beer, a computer and poof . . . another online Dom is born.

The vast majority of real life Doms are non-pro. They wouldn’t invest their time in training someone else’s property. Where is the gain in that?


“The majority of female Doms seem to find this a disqualifying factor from servitude.”

Again, I think you got the numbers completely wrong… backwards even. About 50% of the Dommes I have met were at least part time pro Dominatrices. The stereotypical male sub is a tribute bearing (paying) married man cheating. The pro Dommes are possessive and protective of their clients because they represent their income. They like to take ‘ownership’ of clients as ‘slaves’ hoping guilt and loyalty will keep them and their wallet in the stable longer. PEP has a nice policy of anti competition, listing which clients belong to which Mistresses (at least the chapter I am familiar with runs a database like that). PEP also had a referral w/kickback if you stay within the PEP roster when a client wants to seek a new Domme.

Whereas less than 10% of the male Doms were pros . . . or had an ‘open & safe house’ policy that takes in all subs (married or otherwise) that are in need and helps train them and helps place them into leather families.

Note: I use the word pro in the literal sense in that someone is getting monetary compensation for their service. Besides the pay for play, it includes hosting parties and events, giving paid demos or lectures and/or shooting or performing in adult videos.



warlock1935 -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 8:35:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: niceguy88

Most male Doms seem 100% willing to take on submissives who are in a relationship or even married.


I guess it depends on what you call a "Dom". My friends get approached all the time by couples who want to be mentored, but usually it's an eager submissive wife and a vanilla guy who wants his wife to be happy. That's a recipe for a train wreck already without adding an OG Dom to the mix. What tends to happen is either the guy gets (naturally) jealous because his wife's raving about the Mentor Dom, or worse, she falls in love with the Mentor.
Most of us were lucky enough to see it happen to someone else and learned from their experience. However, a couple of my friends went through some serious drama and in one case, some rough legal complications. I don't figure it's worth it even if it didn't raise potential ethical issues like Poaching, and most of my friends feel the same way.
As @littlewonder said: <<most men who frequent sites such as this are not looking for anything serious. They're just looking for someone to fuck and play with so it really doesn't matter if the sub is already married or not>>

Anyone can read a couple of books and put "I'm a Dom" on their profile. Does littlewonder's - very accurate - comment describe very many real, lifestyle Doms you know? Or is what she's describing more characteristic of a vanilla guy who's faking it for the unlimited blow jobs?

I don't personally know any experienced, competent Doms who have much trouble finding unattached subs (I'm in LA). There always seems to be a lot more of them around than there are ethical lifestyle Doms.

On the other hand, My female submissive friends seem to run into one unethical "Dom" after another. They're not dumb, they do look for Doms with at least some experience, but it seems a lot of guys can't handle the power and start doing underhanded things like lying and cheating, poaching, living off their subs, etc.
Personally, I think a guy needs to know more than just how to throw a flogger and write a profile before I'll consider him a real Dom.



niceguy88 -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 8:48:41 AM)

quote:

“Most male Doms seem 100% willing to take on submissives who are in a relationship or even married.”

I think you got the numbers completely backwards. By the numbers, Dommes will take the married and cheating whereas Doms will not. By my exposure as an admin to 280 members of a local BDSM society, I suspect your impression is skewed by the horny husbands online posing as Doms so they can get some free online cam-slave action? You know how it goes right? Wife at the Mall, kids in school, a 6 pack of beer, a computer and poof . . . another online Dom is born.

The vast majority of real life Doms are non-pro. They wouldn’t invest their time in training someone else’s property. Where is the gain in that?


“The majority of female Doms seem to find this a disqualifying factor from servitude.”

Again, I think you got the numbers completely wrong… backwards even. About 50% of the Dommes I have met were at least part time pro Dominatrices. The stereotypical male sub is a tribute bearing (paying) married man cheating. The pro Dommes are possessive and protective of their clients because they represent their income. They like to take ‘ownership’ of clients as ‘slaves’ hoping guilt and loyalty will keep them and their wallet in the stable longer. PEP has a nice policy of anti competition, listing which clients belong to which Mistresses (at least the chapter I am familiar with runs a database like that). PEP also had a referral w/kickback if you stay within the PEP roster when a client wants to seek a new Domme.


Thanks for the very informative post Resident Sadist. I find your second point most pertinent as it is where I have most of my experience with pro dommes and financial submission the way you put it I can really see how the "protecting...income" can come into the equation.

A little off-topic but your first point does make me a little bit sad, I know its a rampant practice I often turn a blind eye to, these people tarnish an otherwise great community.

Thanks again everyone for your responses to my questions. And sorry if I have got some things backwards... but if I go backwards twice does that mean I am going forwards? :P ....No I probably just fall over!



LadyHibiscus -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 9:18:59 AM)

I am going to disagree with RS big time here, and that's not super common!

When I was a pro dominant, YES many to most of my clients were married. (I didnt ask, actually, so it's not a 'scientific' survey.) On a personal level, the biggest complaint femdoms have is that they are approached by married men who are CHEATING on their spouses. I know more than a few married male dominants whose sub is the piece on the side, too. Or one of several pieces. I will not extrapolate here on the relative ability of married men to keep promises. [>:]

When the economy was good in Detroit and there was a good number of pro dominants, we KNEW each other and kept in touch about the men that we saw. We knew perfectly well who would stay with one person and who would "work the room" seeing someone different every month. We also kept track of who was a deadbeat, who was potentially dangerous, and what have you. When times are good, there is plenty of business for everyone.

As to your remark about "tarnishing the community", what do you mean?






RemoteUser -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 9:31:54 AM)

This is going to be one of those things that boils down to individuals instead of statistics, innit. I'm thinking yes just from the 'why' basis as opposed to a 'how' - i.e. how many....

Putting my two cents in: I've mentored a woman who was married with her husband's consent. I've also started up with someone and discovered they were married after the fact...not fun.

Was I looking for this? Actually, no, not in either case. But that's also just me. For some people that's a preference.

I'll do it for fun, for love, even for the lulz. But that's referring to where I've been. Right now? I'm in an exclusive relationship, and I'm happy with that as it is. How all Doms or Domettes want to dance to that samba is their own shakes, I can't sing for the choir, dig?



niceguy88 -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 9:32:51 AM)

I meant that this
quote:

horny husbands online posing as Doms so they can get some free online cam-slave action? You know how it goes right? Wife at the Mall, kids in school, a 6 pack of beer, a computer and poof . . . another online Dom is born.
to me degrades the online BDSM community somewhat, I am sorry if you don't agree but that is my opinion, but for the main reason that these profiles are rarely honest about these intentions. More often than not there is a facade that is often proven false after bad incidents in various forums. :(



LadyHibiscus -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 9:36:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: niceguy88

I meant that this
quote:

horny husbands online posing as Doms so they can get some free online cam-slave action? You know how it goes right? Wife at the Mall, kids in school, a 6 pack of beer, a computer and poof . . . another online Dom is born.
to me degrades the online BDSM community somewhat, I am sorry if you don't agree but that is my opinion, but for the main reason that these profiles are rarely honest about these intentions. More often than not there is a facade that is often proven false after bad incidents in various forums. :(


Ah, okay, I wasn't sure which bit you were referring to. And while I don't think there is a "community" as such, I do think that dishonesty and bad experiences early on can drive people away from what can be a very life enhancing experience.



DesFIP -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 9:37:40 AM)

Many dommes are okay with married or in relationship subs as long as they can meet the wife or gf and assure themselves that they are okay with it. Men are less likely to make sure that the sub's primary relationship won't be negatively impacted.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 9:43:52 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Many dommes are okay with married or in relationship subs as long as they can meet the wife or gf and assure themselves that they are okay with it. Men are less likely to make sure that the sub's primary relationship won't be negatively impacted.


Yes, I am absolutely happy to take on a married submissive, as I said. And as soon as I say to them, "When can I meet your spouse?" they vanish! Amazing, how it can go from "Oh, she's okay with it," to "DADT", to "Oh no!". [8|]




Pyramus -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 11:21:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Also, keep in mind that men typically outnumber women at least 10:1 in WIITWD. So, just by that statistic, it would be more men period, then add in desperation factor.


I admit. I had to look up What It Is What We Do ...

But, I disagree on the 10:1 ratio.

I'd bet it's closer to 100:1 men to women, especially if you include the fakes and scams.

That alone, skews many of the dynamics of supply & demand.

About the only thing a man has to begin to compete with the riffraff is his intelligence.



Pyramus -> RE: A question on partnered Slaves (5/25/2012 11:24:56 AM)

oops. double post.



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