would you want to know?

would you want to know? (Full Version)

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[Poll]

2% (1)

Yes

64% (29)

Yes, tell me if you are my friend

24% (11)

No, never tell me if you are my friend

4% (2)

Or..?

4% (2)

Total Votes : 45

(last vote on : 10/8/2012 5:16:29 PM)
(Poll will run till: -- )

Message

Missokyst -> would you want to know? (5/27/2012 6:17:03 PM)
When I was married I knew my husband was playing around within 2 weeks of the ceremony. He of course, lied. All the time, even when faced with evidence, he lied. Occasionally though, I would get the inevidible call from some girl friend who was convinced I was not doing right by him as a wife. Given that we had sex daily and he could wake me at 3 am to cook him dinner I never knew what they meant by that.. but I knew they thought they could do better. My ex husband has been married 4 times. His dad remarried 7, and his mom 8.. I think that it ran in their family. But that is just my opinion. I knew each time he had a new girl in tow because of experience. I really didn't need anyone to tell me, but I was always glad when they did. The first few times it hurt even though I never loved him. Then I got a nice tough scar around my emotions and when it happened again it didn't bother me at all. But, I never resented the women for fooling around with him, or for telling me that he had. I am in the camp of wanting to know. I would have wanted to know prior to getting married. And, if I had loved him I believe I would want to know so I could decide whether or not I wanted to stick with it. I believe in gathering facts before making a decision. But.. in another post which I have quoted below, I note that many people are against telling the spouse. So..you normal people out there.. if you spouse was fucking someone else and coming home to you, living life as always.. would you want to be told when the vows were broken? quote: quote: ORIGINAL: stef Is informing the wife of hubby's indiscretion hurting or helping her? If my partner was hiding the fact that they were screwing around on the side, I'd rather know about it than be played a fool. If it's done as something vindictive, you're not doing it to help her. You're doing it for the "so there!" factor. While I believe the wife has the right to know, it isn't something that should be done with gleeful vindictiveness. Which is what the poster suggested: _____________________________ pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

LadyHibiscus -> RE: would you want to know? (5/27/2012 6:20:44 PM)
Of course I would want to know! It wouldnt matter to me if the person was trying to be vindictive or not.

RemoteUser -> RE: would you want to know? (5/27/2012 6:23:17 PM)
I would want to know. I can be very flexible and understanding. However, when we get serious and we make commitments, I want to stick by them. If making that commitment means saying hey, I might need us to consider other partners occasionally, it's not fun to hear but it's responsible. It lets you know where you stand; it lets you know what to expect and then you can decide whether you can handle it. Finding out after the fact means that there's a communication breakdown that needs fixing. Until that's fixed, one of the most vital parts of your commitment is gone, because bad communication screws up things in a plethora of ways. Tell me your worst traits and let me decide if I can handle them. If I can, you know you have me completely.

LadyPact -> RE: would you want to know? (5/27/2012 7:27:02 PM)
Yes. I'm not making an informed choice otherwise. And, yes, I've been the person to break the news, too. A friend of Mine told Me what she was up to. (She and the boyfriend were friends of both MP and Myself.) I gave her the choice. She could tell him or I would. Well, as someone's sig line around here states, "Even if you refuse to decide, you have still made a choice". It sucked for a while. I was the bad guy. I'd do it again, too.

littlewonder -> RE: would you want to know? (5/27/2012 7:30:06 PM)
I would have already known. I know when a partner is cheating on me. All one has to do is pay attention. By then he wouldn't be fucking me any longer even though I may still be in the marriage. But I probably already wouldn't be in the marriage any longer either unless we were both seeking counseling and I knew he was trying to overcome the cheating. A friend telling me wouldn't anger me but I would tell them I've suspected as much so them telling me isn't going to change what is happening. I can't imagine a wife not knowing the obvious. Sorry, people don't hide things very well. It's simply the other side who chooses to ignore it because they don't want to deal with the mess. My ex-dom was cheating. People told me but I already knew. I told them I knew. I only stayed because he said he would stop the affair but of course that never happened. I asked him to seek couples therapy. He again, refused. He never showed any interest in wanting to change or fix the relationship. At that point I waited for him to leave the house so I could throw his stuff on the curb and change the locks.

lizi -> RE: would you want to know? (5/27/2012 8:05:35 PM)
Yes, I'd want to know. I'd want to make plans, and decisions in life based on the truth, not on lies. My worst nightmare would be to have someone stay with me out of obligation and not a true desire to be there together working towards common goals. If someone doesn't have my back and isn't there out of his own free will through thick and thin and all that stuff, then get the hell out because I'll be fine on my own. I'm fine financially, I'm done raising children, I don't actually need a man around except for companionship and sex. I'm too old for cheaters, I don't want to spend what time is left to me in life in that hell of being unaware that things aren't as I think they are. If you want more women than me go ahead and get them, I have no problem with you leaving. Don't drag me down that road with you of lies and deceit. That kind of sickening surprise when you find out your love is cheating on you is something I personally hope I never feel again. I am all for whatever makes people happy and whatever flavor it might be. I'm probably never going to be anything but monogamous and i"m happy that way. I will not put a gun to anyone's head to be with me and to be faithful. If he needs others he can go do that, but he can't keep me around then too. I just don't want to be lied to. Let me know what the reality is.

Kaliko -> RE: would you want to know? (5/27/2012 8:13:47 PM)
No. I think that if my significant other felt it was important enough to spend time with other women in order to feel fulfilled, then he should be able to do so without me hovering over him and making his problems even wor.......OF COURSE I would want to know! :)

SoulAlloy -> RE: would you want to know? (5/27/2012 11:20:18 PM)
Hell yes. Hell hell hell hell yes. A partner hiding it just hurts all the more when it is discovered

needlesandpins -> RE: would you want to know? (5/28/2012 1:45:40 AM)
cowards hide the truth, and when found out say they didn't want to hurt you. fuck that. it's because you are too chicken shit to actually admit you are being a selfish cunt. i knew something was wrong, and suspected who the person was. i needed proof, and in the end i got it. i kicked him out at the time, but then realised i was miserable without him and like a dozy twat took him back. the condition was that he kept away from her (it was supposed to have been a one off thing), but things felt different. it didn't take long to know he was still seeing the skank behind my back, but i needed proof. when i found it i kicked him out for good. he thought the grass was greener on the other side. in reality it was just weeds, and when they die back in the winter you're just left with bare ground and dog shit. all i actually ask is that i'm told the truth so i can make educated choices. however, it's amazing how people still choose to lie instead of owning that fact that they are being a shit person. don't use my feelings to justify your deceit, my feelings are my own and if you can't deal with how bad your actions will affect me then maybe what you should be doing is walking away from that choice and being a better person in the first place. so yes, the truth hurts, but lies hurt worse. not only that, but the worst thing about lies is the doubt it causes afterwards. not being able to just accept everything at face value, the way your stomach knotts when things just don't add up, or it takes too long for them to answer a simple question. as for a friend telling me. if they didn't i wouldn't consider them a very good friend. again, i want the truth so if they won't tell me then as far as i'm concerned they are helping him to decieve me. what friend does that. needles

kitkat105 -> RE: would you want to know? (5/28/2012 3:25:46 AM)
Yes and I would tell my bestfriend as well. Even if I broke her heart telling her to truth, she'll have my shoulder to cry on and I'd support her through it. I have no time for people who won't be honest in a relationship.

DaNewAgeViking -> RE: would you want to know? (5/28/2012 3:56:11 AM)
It's two things: first, how can you make an honest emotional commitment with someone who is cheating on you? Trust has to go both ways, especially in this lifestyle, and without that, you are being played for a fool. What's the percentage in that? Second, of course, is the very real danger of disease. 'nuff said about that. If everyone involved wants to swing, or be poly, all fine and good - if it's knowing and consensual. If not, it's wrong. [sm=sad.gif] I should add that knowing is a right, as hard as it is.

JstAnotherSub -> RE: would you want to know? (5/28/2012 6:02:45 AM)
I think I would know, just cause I am a sensitive chickie that way [;)], but if I didn't, I would want to be told.

LaTigresse -> RE: would you want to know? (5/28/2012 6:21:55 AM)
Of course I would want to know. I've only had two relationships where that was an issue. And if there is one thing I know for a fact is that, fucking someone outside the relationship is not, in and of itself, the problem. Now, as a poly minded person, my view is going to be different than a lot of people. I get the concept of having feelings for, or desiring, another. It's whether or not the person is a big enough person to be honest and face it head on rather than lying and sneaking around. My exhusband used to travel a lot for business. Once, after a particularly booze and drug fueled weekend of 'business' in Chicago, he came to me, bawling like a baby, to confess his sins. Ultimately, he ended up the angry one. He was angry that I wasn't angry. The relationship was already so far down the sewer line that, him fucking around, was the least of my concerns. It was a 'yeah, whatever' kinda deal. I was a lot more concerned with the drugs that he was beginning to allow into the house as I realized he was using our business to traffic for organized crime. I had two little kids and didn't want that shit around. Shit being the drugs and the people surrounding them. It's not cool to open the drawers of an antique desk and find big bundles of coke inside. Especially when your little boy is standing next to you, asking what it is. The second one, well that woman had so many fucked up issues with sex, and more importantly relationships, intimacy and trust, that her fucking around was the least of my concerns. Sex was her drug of choice. Any way, any how. I don't understand the mindset of, you shouldn't tell a person. Then again, I don't understand how a person could be in a relationship they were in tune with and not know. It's not like I was surprised when either person told me what they'd been up to. The ex I already didn't care. The girlfriend, that was a "duhhhhh". I knew. Leopards don't change their spots.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: would you want to know? (5/28/2012 6:30:00 AM)
Great topic, missokyst !! I voted yes, of course I would want to know. Though I believe like many others I already would know. Remember that ex we have in common (not really, mine's name is Jack, but they seem to have so many traits in common) he was a guess what? Serial cheater. And yes, he lied about it. He never seemed to get, the cheating didn't bother me near as much as the lying. Sex is just sex; the ex wanting to have sex with some random female he found attractive meant next to nothing to him, and thus, next to nothing to me. It's the deceit and the dishonesty I take issue with. So yes, I would absolutely want to be informed. If I was with someone I thought was honest with me, and learned they were not, I would be heart broken. (Who wouldn't?) But the heartbreak would (almost) be worth knowing the actual state of out relationship, that it was based not on honesty and transparency of emotion but on lies and deceit.

slaveluci -> RE: would you want to know? (5/28/2012 6:39:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Yes. I'm not making an informed choice otherwise. And, yes, I've been the person to break the news, too. A friend of Mine told Me what she was up to. (She and the boyfriend were friends of both MP and Myself.) I gave her the choice. She could tell him or I would. Well, as someone's sig line around here states, "Even if you refuse to decide, you have still made a choice". It sucked for a while. I was the bad guy. I'd do it again, too. That'll teach her to confide in a person she considered a friend. Do you really think it was your place to make that decision for her? I know you pride yourself on being full of "honor" and you and many others here think you're way superior to the dregs who cheat but, frankly, you had no right to force her hand like that. She made a terrible choice when she trusted you and confided in you and you made that quite clear by selling her out. I'd have left you and your so-called friendship in the dust. Must be lonely being so moral and "honorable." Shame on you.........luci

LaTigresse -> RE: would you want to know? (5/28/2012 7:13:42 PM)
I doubt LadyP gets all that lonely. I find her ethics in the situation commendable. I've done the same thing with a male friend. Or is it just because the cheater was a female friend that it was so terrible in your eyes? BTW......I WAS a cheater once. Nothing superiour in it at all. I was a weasel dirtbag for the way I handled my shit and the woman LadyP put the smack down on was a weasel dirtbag also. And one other thing. You may only want friends around you that tell you just what you want to hear. Some of us don't. Some of us want friends that push us to be better people. Friends that call us on our bullshit and aren't afraid to get in our face and tell us when we are being fucktards.

Delilya -> RE: would you want to know? (5/28/2012 8:15:34 PM)
I would want to know. Not only is trust an issue, but so is health and safety. There comes a time in a relationship when tests have been run, you think all is well, and stop using protection. All that flies out the window when your partner cheats. You have no way of knowing if they have really had safe sex, where the other person has been, and what he could be bringing home to share with you. It amazes me the extent that some will go to to perpetuate a lie. My ex-sub had told me up front he was married, and that his wife was fine with him seeking to having his kink fulfilled elsewhere. I asked for and got a meeting with her. The three of us spent several hours discussing different things and I took him as mine. Things were great for several months, UNTIL I ran across his "wife" in a social situation. It turned out that she was a friend of his, who posed as his wife, so that he could get away with cheating. I not only was devastated by the hoax, but then had to wonder how many other women he was doing this to. It did teach me a valuable lesson.

NuevaVida -> RE: would you want to know? (5/28/2012 8:41:06 PM)
Yes I would want to know. If he feels he has to break our commitment, lie to me, and have a separate side of his life hidden from me, then I'd want to know we had that kind of problem in our relationship.

Missokyst -> RE: would you want to know? (5/29/2012 8:27:37 AM)
I am not poly but I can relate to this. When the ex-h was fooling around it wasn't a huge deal because I didn't love him. For me the relationship was already gone when the first girl came to tell me he had fucked her 2 weeks into our marriage. I thought.. "eh". After the first few I just asked him to keep it away from me and my family because it was more horrifying to think that they thought I was stupid, than to know he was out fucking around. What I never got was that he continued to lie to me. It was like he was trying to keep an air of the good husband on the surface. Why? Was that for me, or for him? As for why people can be in that relationship and not be in tune with their partner enough to know, I do think it is willing illusion. It's a fairytale thing. quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse . The relationship was already so far down the sewer line that, him fucking around, was the least of my concerns. It was a 'yeah, whatever' kinda deal. I don't understand the mindset of, you shouldn't tell a person. Then again, I don't understand how a person could be in a relationship they were in tune with and not know. It's not like I was surprised when either person told me what they'd been up to. The ex I already didn't care. The girlfriend, that was a "duhhhhh". I knew. Leopards don't change their spots.

needlesandpins -> RE: would you want to know? (5/29/2012 9:10:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Yes. I'm not making an informed choice otherwise. And, yes, I've been the person to break the news, too. A friend of Mine told Me what she was up to. (She and the boyfriend were friends of both MP and Myself.) I gave her the choice. She could tell him or I would. Well, as someone's sig line around here states, "Even if you refuse to decide, you have still made a choice". It sucked for a while. I was the bad guy. I'd do it again, too. That'll teach her to confide in a person she considered a friend. Do you really think it was your place to make that decision for her? I know you pride yourself on being full of "honor" and you and many others here think you're way superior to the dregs who cheat but, frankly, you had no right to force her hand like that. She made a terrible choice when she trusted you and confided in you and you made that quite clear by selling her out. I'd have left you and your so-called friendship in the dust. Must be lonely being so moral and "honorable." Shame on you.........luci sorry luci but i'm with LP on this one. i'd have done exactly the same thing because i would want the same thing done for me. if my friend had known my ex was cheating on me but hadn't told him to grow a set and tell me, or she would then i'd consider her a poor friend. are you seriously saying that if your partner told a joint friend he was cheating on you, you wouldn't want that friend to tell him to be a decent person and tell you. would you really want your friend aiding your partner to cheat on you? also, are you then that person who would keep one friends secret and not tell the other that their partner is being a cunt? more shame there i think than on LP if that's the case. needles

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