RE: would you want to know?

RE: would you want to know? (Full Version)

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[Poll]

would you want to know?

2% (1)

Yes

64% (29)

Yes, tell me if you are my friend

24% (11)

No, never tell me if you are my friend

4% (2)

Or..?

4% (2)

Total Votes : 45

(last vote on : 10/8/2012 5:16:29 PM)
(Poll will run till: -- )

Message

kalikshama -> RE: would you want to know? (5/29/2012 10:14:33 AM)
I'd want to know. It's not the act of intercourse with someone else that would bother me, but the lying and sneaking needed to accomplish it. I'd want to know if my partner was a liar and a sneak so I could dump his ass. My (now ex) husband and I had both consensual and non-consensual non-monogamy and as a result of that and reading "The Ethical Slut" I've formed a preference for open relationships. M tells me when he has plans and I would him but haven't yet met anyone I'm interested in making plans with. Actually, M clears his plans with me to check that the two of us didn't have plans, which take priority.

LadyPact -> RE: would you want to know? (5/29/2012 10:55:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci That'll teach her to confide in a person she considered a friend. Do you really think it was your place to make that decision for her? I know you pride yourself on being full of "honor" and you and many others here think you're way superior to the dregs who cheat but, frankly, you had no right to force her hand like that. She made a terrible choice when she trusted you and confided in you and you made that quite clear by selling her out. I'd have left you and your so-called friendship in the dust. Must be lonely being so moral and "honorable." Shame on you.........luci Let Me make sure My sarcasm font is working properly so I can address this correctly. You know, you might be right. It would have been so much better to screw over the male half of the couple, who was also My friend instead. How could I have lacked the open-mindedness on the matter? The very next time a female friend of Mine comes to Me saying she thinks she is pregnant and she's not sure which one of them is the father, I'll remember the shame you think I should feel, instead of the risk of My male friend not knowing that he's potentially being exposed to STI's and him thinking the child would be his. Thank goodness you were here to show Me the light. Since you are so much better at figuring out situations like this, maybe you can help Me with one more. What color is the sky in your world?

littlewonder -> RE: would you want to know? (5/29/2012 11:15:50 AM)
This is why you don't tell anyone anything unless you're ok with it being out in the open because people say things to others whether we wanted it repeated or not. There are things I don't tell anyone at all, not even my bestest of friends no matter how much I trust them. People are simply not very good at keeping things to themselves.

LaTigresse -> RE: would you want to know? (5/29/2012 11:25:20 AM)
At least LadyP had the strength of character to tell her friend her feelings rather than running around, blabbing it all over, behind her friend's back. Then acting all innocent when the shit hit the fan. Like most would do.

TNDommeK -> RE: would you want to know? (5/29/2012 11:52:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: needlesandpins cowards hide the truth, and when found out say they didn't want to hurt you. fuck that. it's because you are too chicken shit to actually admit you are being a selfish cunt. i knew something was wrong, and suspected who the person was. i needed proof, and in the end i got it. i kicked him out at the time, but then realised i was miserable without him and like a dozy twat took him back. the condition was that he kept away from her (it was supposed to have been a one off thing), but things felt different. it didn't take long to know he was still seeing the skank behind my back, but i needed proof. when i found it i kicked him out for good. he thought the grass was greener on the other side. in reality it was just weeds, and when they die back in the winter you're just left with bare ground and dog shit. all i actually ask is that i'm told the truth so i can make educated choices. however, it's amazing how people still choose to lie instead of owning that fact that they are being a shit person. don't use my feelings to justify your deceit, my feelings are my own and if you can't deal with how bad your actions will affect me then maybe what you should be doing is walking away from that choice and being a better person in the first place. so yes, the truth hurts, but lies hurt worse. not only that, but the worst thing about lies is the doubt it causes afterwards. not being able to just accept everything at face value, the way your stomach knotts when things just don't add up, or it takes too long for them to answer a simple question. as for a friend telling me. if they didn't i wouldn't consider them a very good friend. again, i want the truth so if they won't tell me then as far as i'm concerned they are helping him to decieve me. what friend does that. needles This is the truth in red^^ And yes I would want to know.

kalikshama -> RE: would you want to know? (5/29/2012 3:01:59 PM)
quote: The very next time a female friend of Mine comes to Me saying she thinks she is pregnant and she's not sure which one of them is the father, I'll remember the shame you think I should feel, instead of the risk of My male friend not knowing that he's potentially being exposed to STI's and him thinking the child would be his. Thank goodness you were here to show Me the light. Since you are so much better at figuring out situations like this, maybe you can help Me with one more. What color is the sky in your world? IIRC regarding slaveluci on AIDS and condoms, STDs are not part of her world, so whatever color sky belongs to that utopia.

DesFIP -> RE: would you want to know? (5/30/2012 7:20:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Yes. I'm not making an informed choice otherwise. And, yes, I've been the person to break the news, too. A friend of Mine told Me what she was up to. (She and the boyfriend were friends of both MP and Myself.) I gave her the choice. She could tell him or I would. Well, as someone's sig line around here states, "Even if you refuse to decide, you have still made a choice". It sucked for a while. I was the bad guy. I'd do it again, too. That'll teach her to confide in a person she considered a friend. Do you really think it was your place to make that decision for her? I know you pride yourself on being full of "honor" and you and many others here think you're way superior to the dregs who cheat but, frankly, you had no right to force her hand like that. She made a terrible choice when she trusted you and confided in you and you made that quite clear by selling her out. I'd have left you and your so-called friendship in the dust. Must be lonely being so moral and "honorable." Shame on you.........luci I'm siding on luci's side here. Doing this is blackmail. And two wrongs don't make a right. If you found out and told the husband, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But blackmailing someone is just too distasteful for me. When people ask if they can confide secrets in me, I prefer to decline personally. Unless it's a medical problem.

LaTigresse -> RE: would you want to know? (5/30/2012 7:58:11 AM)
I don't see it as blackmail at all. If so, every single parent in the universe worth their salt is guilty of same. If LadyP had said, you give me $ 1,000.00 and I will not tell your husband you are fucking around on him.......THAT would be blackmail. If demanding a person do the right thing is blackmail, then yay for blackmail!!!!!!

Missokyst -> RE: would you want to know? (5/30/2012 12:24:57 PM)
It isn't blackmail unless LP would be getting a payoff for keeping secrets. I think that kind of news is better given by the offender, so having her tell him would be preferable from my POV. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP If you found out and told the husband, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But blackmailing someone is just too distasteful for me.

LadyPact -> RE: would you want to know? (5/30/2012 5:56:57 PM)
Des, I'm so disappointed in you. I wouldn't have taken you for someone who thought that trying to get child support out of someone for eighteen years, who might not be the father, would be cool with you. How sad. It wasn't blackmail. I gave her the chance to come clean.

Winterapple -> RE: would you want to know? (5/30/2012 11:18:21 PM)
FR I voted or. I would know, I can't imagine anyone not knowing or recognizing it as a possibility. So my response to anyone who wasn't very very close to me would be "It's really none of your business and whether it's true or not I'm much more bothered by you getting into my business than what my partner is up to." I don't talk about my intimate life with my partner to anyone and I don't encourage others to confide in me. I avoid drama and there's something high schoolish about people running around blabbering about whose cheating on who. In my own life the times when people told me something they thought I needed to know they weren't doing it out of friendship or concern. They were being malicious and wanted to hurt me. My mother was tormented by my fathers girlfriends calling and stalking her. They were trying to goad her into leaving him or seeking revenge on him. They didn't care about her or what she had a right to know. And they didn't tell her anything she didn't already know. I saw a ecard that read something like this: Let's not call me honest but call me a bitch who points out obvious flaws that you already know about. There are people who love to use honesty as a Billy club. Also how do you know someone is cheating if they don't confess it to you or you don't catch them in the act? If you're going on hunches and gossip is it really fair to take that to someone? Are you being honest or a shit stirrer? And there's a reason the expression don't kill the messenger came into being. I've heard women say years after leaving a man because they found out about a mans infidelity from friends that if they could do it over they would have handled it differently. The closest example in my own life is I once had a friends partner make a pass at me. I chose not to tell her. I knew he was making passes at others and one of them would probably tell her which they did. Much drama ensued and she turned on the women not him. They broke up many times and are now married. She's been given multiple evidence of who he is and ignores it. I'm glad I stayed out of a shitstorm with her. STD's are the best argument for telling someone but even then I think you have to be realistic anytime you fluid bond with someone. It's always a risk the best you can do is find partners who care about their health and keep being tested and alert. A pregnancy thing could be a ethical quandry I agree. But I would have to be very close to someone before I would think about involving myself. The best I can agree to is if I went to a friend and asked them to be honest with me I hope they would be. If a friend came to me and asked I wouldn't lie but I might say what my grandmother said when she was put in that position You need to talk to your husband not me. I just prefer to always think twice before involving myself in other peoples relationships and I prefer the same courtesy. Though if you see someones face on a wanted fugitive list tell me and I'll do the same.

DesFIP -> RE: would you want to know? (5/31/2012 5:24:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Des, I'm so disappointed in you. I wouldn't have taken you for someone who thought that trying to get child support out of someone for eighteen years, who might not be the father, would be cool with you. How sad. It wasn't blackmail. I gave her the chance to come clean. That's an entirely different position and not what you posted originally.

littlewonder -> RE: would you want to know? (5/31/2012 7:36:13 PM)
I really don't think I would want my friends telling me. For me, it would not only tear my relationship apart but also my friendship of that person I just can't vision not already being known my partner is already cheating. Most women imo, just choose to ignore the problem in hopes that once he's had his fun their life will go back to normal or they need to stay for money or children or because they're simply too afraid to leave. But in the end I'm convinced that most women already know. It's like my mom. She can walk all around the big pink elephant in the room and she won't notice it either because she's simply naive or she is trying her best to ignore it.

Missokyst -> RE: would you want to know? (6/1/2012 9:01:33 AM)
While I agree that most women probably know.. I don't believe it is a given that they acknowlege it to themselves. Take me for instance.. I KNEW my husband was a cheater. But that year before we split was great. He was attentive while I was pregnant and for the first time in our relationship he treated me as a partner and not as a slave. I didn't get a daily round of being yelled at for not doing things right, and our sex life was pretty darned fine. I thought we had turned a corner. I believed he might be turning into someone I would want. When he began to bring up changing religions and demanding that in order to save our marriage I must change as well.. that is when I knew the prior months of change were a facade. It was only at that time I knew there was another woman who sparked his changes. Little fishes. I saw my out and took it, thankful I had not been drawn in completely. Though that last 3 months I really tried hard to keep him in my life and make him happy, the knowlege that he had been kind to me because someone told him that was right.. it just pointed out to me how we can close our eyes to the truth because we WANT to believe. I really do not feel it is a deliberate blindfold we place over our eyes. quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder .Most women imo, just choose to ignore the problem in hopes that once he's had his fun their life will go back to normal or they need to stay for money or children or because they're simply too afraid to leave. But in the end I'm convinced that most women already know.

LaTigresse -> RE: would you want to know? (6/1/2012 9:17:06 AM)
That is what I've seen also. I've spent most of my adult life working around men. I get to see facets of them that their wives don't. I've spent 22 years (as of June 9th) married to a guy that tells me everything about everything. Talk about transparency! He is the kind of guy that most people confide in. He needs someone to spill it to so he doesn't explode. I am that person. I know things about his soldiers and co-workers that are seriously 'OMG!!!!!!!!!!" worthy. Based upon what I've seen, the signs of a cheating spouse are ALWAYS there. The unfortunate thing is that the people married to them have a vision, an ideal, of who their S.O. is. That vision is quite frighteningly often, very inaccurate. I've also concluded that the cheater is rarely a horrible person. People that cheat do so for a reason. Many are just narcissists. Some are psychopaths........they have zero empathy. It's just not in them to understand why they should feel bad about doing what feels good to them. Most people though, are just trying to fill a hole. They might have gotten married for all the wrong reasons but don't want the bother of divorce. They might not be cut out for monogamy but haven't the strength of character to be honest. I think that we as human beings are very very good at seeing only what we want to see in the people we love. We struggle mightily to accept that not a one of us is perfect and that some of our imperfections are pretty fucking ugly. We want those we love to love us as we are, but we are not so great at giving the same. I don't personally see infidelity as the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. Unfortunately it is the whys of it that tend to be the relationship killers.

RemoteUser -> RE: would you want to know? (6/1/2012 9:38:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse I think that we as human beings are very very good at seeing only what we want to see in the people we love. We struggle mightily to accept that not a one of us is perfect and that some of our imperfections are pretty fucking ugly. We want those we love to love us as we are, but we are not so great at giving the same. I wanted to add to that: sometimes people also see ugly things that are not there, and it turns them elsewhere when communication fails. Love is not measured solely by understanding and acceptance, but these things form a foundation that it cannot do without. I have seen too many couples fall away from each other because they would not talk or did not try; and it is sad.

LaTigresse -> RE: would you want to know? (6/1/2012 11:24:26 AM)
Oh yeah! Fear is a terrible relationship destroyer.

littlewonder -> RE: would you want to know? (6/1/2012 5:58:06 PM)
After thinking about this topic today, I still wouldn't tell the wife, I would, however, contact the cheater and let them knw you know and he needs to think hard about what he's doing in that it affects his children if they have any, the wife, both of their families, possibly his job. Etc... Basically I'd give him a slap up the head to say stop it! I'd basically guilt him in to working on his marriage.

Missokyst -> RE: would you want to know? (6/1/2012 11:09:00 PM)
I think any guilt they may feel is quickly diffused with orgasm. I know my ex-h wouldnt have stopped if someone confronted him. In fact.. shortly after I found out about the first one, my sisters confirmed that he had been bringing women back to the room he had rented in their home before our marriage. So.. no guilt from him. And no kindness from them in giving me a heads up prior to my making things legal. quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder I'd basically guilt him in to working on his marriage.

NuevaVida -> RE: would you want to know? (6/2/2012 7:17:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse I don't personally see infidelity as the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. Unfortunately it is the whys of it that tend to be the relationship killers. This. For sure. Cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem, and as someone not fully knowing what goes on behind someone else's closed doors, I don't qualify myself as someone who can decide on my own why someone else is cheating. I myself cheated in my marriage. I don't excuse it, and I'm not proud of it, and I won't ever do something like that again. I was beyond miserable, there was no affection from him, I was too weak and scared to leave, and I thought very little of myself - that I deserved the treatment I was getting, and deserved to be unhappy. So when another man gave me attention and physical touch, I melted and let it happen - repeatedly. I felt awful about myself - massive guilt - but that only made me hate myself more. The guilt didn't cause me to stop - my starvation for attention drove me to continue. I wanted to tell him what was going on, but it didn't feel emotionally safe to do so. This was me at my worst. It was only after therapy that I gained the wisdom, strength and courage to leave, and to realize I didn't have to be in an unhappy marriage with a man unwilling to bend. Now that I know better and have gained remarkable strength within, I'd leave if I couldn't work it out. I've committed to myself to live an honest life, and living a double life isn't part of that. That said, I do have friends/family who have cheated. I never felt it my place to interject myself into their relationship to the point of telling the spouse. Typically I talk at length to the person - compassionately or with tough love - about their options, why they are doing this, what they want long-term for themselves and their marriage, and how they feel about themselves as a result. I'd rather help a person to resolve their personal and relationship issues so that they no longer see cheating as a viable option, than play an active part in the destruction of their marriage. As a result of our conversations, one of my friends asked her husband for marriage counseling, in going to therapy together, they were able to resolve their issues, and she was able to admit to the cheating in a safe environment. Mind you, I don't have a lot of friends who cheat, and I don't advocate cheating. But I don't see it as my place to interject my own standards and interference in someone else's relationship. And yet, if it were me, and if it were my partner cheating on me, I'd want to know. I recognize the hypocrisy in that, but it's just where I am these days.

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