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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/1/2012 1:32:42 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		I believe safewords can be useful tools for those that feel they need them, especially for those who do false-resistance play (where "no!" and "stop!" and such don't really mean what they do normally.) To me, what a safeword is, is essentially a no-nonsense shortcut to end what's currently happening. For some, that is a useful or even essential tool for communication or safety.

For my Master and me, though,we don't have a safeword--never have and never will. We don't need it. First off, we don't do any false-resistance play or any SM stuff. If something is hurting me or I don't like it, I'll let him know. He is not sadistic and he cares about my comfort and well-being, so he wants me to speak up if something's bothering me. For us, plain old English is all that's necessary there--if my leg is cramping, my arm is falling asleep, the position I'm in is painful, etc., I will just tell him clearly and concisely what the problem is so he can choose how to deal with it. He knows that if I cry out "ow!" or "wait!" or something that there's a problem needing to be addressed, and so a safeword isn't necessary for communication's sake.

As for using a safeword to call off what is happening and put an end to it because I don't like what's happening, well...for us, I don't have any veto power. He is my Master and I am his property, thus it is not up to me to decide whether or not we do something or continue with it. It's not my right to decide what he does and doesn't do with me. If he's doing something to me or expecting something of me that I don't like or find objectionable for some reason, I will damn sure let him know that and tell him why and where my objections are coming from (I'm required to give him my input,) but ultimately it's his decision where we go from there. His authority is absolute and doesn't have limitations based on what I want or don't want. As long as he does not damage me, he is within his rights as my owner. I trust his decisions are well-thought out and will not harm/damage me in the end, and thus I surrender control of myself to him completely without fear or reservation. I have no desire to retain any control of myself from him.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/1/2012 2:51:20 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		For me a safeword means 'holy crap something has unexpectedly gone horribly wrong and we need to stop immediately and fix it'. For example, to be used in place of 'The house is on fire' or 'I think my appendix just burst' as a time saver.

I've never needed to use one with my husband. I do tend to talk/yell a lot of nonsense along the lines of 'no please stop' (not for the sake of roleplaying non-consent, just because it's my automatic reaction, even when the pain isn't too bad) so if I were playing with someone else who didn't know me as well I would want to have one because I wouldn't trust that they could tell from my body language or tone that it was a genuine emergency and not just me making a lot of noise.

My husband knows me well enough and there would be very few circumstances where I couldn't just tell him what the problem was. Even if I had a safeword I wouldn't use it for too much pain, as I give that over for him to decide.

Anyway, rambling aside: I feel the opposite of your girl. I'd feel disappointed if I needed to safeword with my master, but have no qualms doing it with anyone else.

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/1/2012 5:11:28 AM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

SO WHAT'S YOUR POINT?




Well I guess I should not tease you about things you really enjoy.

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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/1/2012 5:31:38 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		This:

quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon

I believe safewords can be useful tools for those that feel they need them, especially for those who do false-resistance play (where "no!" and "stop!" and such don't really mean what they do normally.) To me, what a safeword is, is essentially a no-nonsense shortcut to end what's currently happening. For some, that is a useful or even essential tool for communication or safety.





Thank you RaspberryLemon. BTW: Your nick reminds me of a cup of tea, which being a tea lover I find very attractive.

I personally don't use safewords, but then I don't play casually at all these days. If I did, I would make sure the person knew what to do and that I would have a VERY negative response if they were in distress and didn't use one.

As for Steven's issue, that she didn't want to safeword with that other guy I find sweet and endearing and very scary. Very often subs who play in public feel themselves as a representative of their dominant (as well they should), and they don't want to disappoint him in any way. And I think somehow your sub felt she would disappoint you if she safeworded.

Lovely amounts of compassion and reassurance are in order, which I am sure Steven has a plentiful supply.



< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 6/1/2012 5:32:41 AM >

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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/1/2012 8:05:17 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I just remembered that when we first started seeing each other he slipped the safeword issue an gave me one. Obviously I just shrugged it off and continued our meal lol. To this day I still have zero clue as to what it was. HHmm...I think I'll ask him tonight tonight. I think I already know his answer though...you're done when I think you are done. lol He's always hyper aware when we're playing. It's probably one of the reasons why he does like to play hard.


It was probably something like ouch, ouch ouch ouch, stop you crazy deranged degenerate bastard, stop, help, help, police, someone please call the police!

That sounds about right

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(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/1/2012 1:09:22 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I'm pretty sure I have a safeword, but I've never used it that I can recall.

We do a lot of SM stuff but he normally reads my body language enough so that I know I can rely on him to stop when I've taken as much as I can (as opposed to having taken as much as I think I can )

Only once have I stopped play. My dad was dying and my head was all over the place. He tied my hands (we don't usually do the bondage thing) and it completely freaked me out. I ended up sobbing and sobbing, so he stopped and we talked when I calmed down. But again, no safeword.

However he does sometimes have me play with friends at a regular party we do to, and my safeword there is 'ok, that's enough. It's over', or words to that effect

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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/1/2012 1:46:12 PM   
BurntKitty


Posts: 3340
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: Here To Eternity.
Status: offline 		I don't have a particular word, nor do I use a color code. I let the top know exactly what is wrong, and on the flip side, my purring lets them know I'm in a contented happy place. I did have to stop a top once during a flogging. I was wriggling away a bit when he accidentally whacked near (not on) my kidney. He sternly asked me to be still, and I was. Next thwack was a direct kidney shot (again, accidentally.) I screeched hitmykidneyagainandthefloggergetshoveddownyerthroat. He was so upset, he sincerely didn't realize he'd done it.

Oopsies happen, I'm fine we're still good friends and joke about it. I still prefer direct communication rather than a particular code word.

To each their own, whatever works for your dynamic, yadda yadda...

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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/1/2012 6:11:43 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm usually gagged so a safe gesture to alert him that he needs to get the gag out so I can tell him what's wrong is essential. However if the problem is emotional, I can't use it. I just freeze up. He needs to be alert to my body language as a result.

I have to assume DS's girl thought people would think less of him as a spanker/top if she couldn't take more pain. Whereas for many people, what you can do is dependent on who it is doing it.

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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/2/2012 4:01:06 AM   
caelestis


Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline 		Red is only my way of saying that something is incredibly wrong. I'm asthmatic, have some physical problems, and that is basically my way of saying "I can not take this one second longer." I also rarely use my safeword, and with some people in the past I have completely given up my right to a safeword. They just knew me and my body language well enough.

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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/5/2012 2:01:52 PM   
DarkstMyst


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/15/2012
Status: offline 		I wouldn't describe a safeword as a "gift" to somebody. I see safewords as a way to maintain the mental as well as physical "health" of both parties in a particular scene. It can be used in the event that a person is either physically or emotionally compromised in some way, and needs immediate attention. I will say that there are times that using (or rather, not using) a safeword becomes a point of pride in a submissive. Many subs may have the feeling that if they safeword, they are somehow "weak" or "displeasing" to their dom. I would say that this misplaced feeling of shame is the reason most subs suffer in silence rather than safeword, even if they feel that their limits have been crossed.

(in reply to kitkat105)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/5/2012 3:02:03 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		Safewording is hard when they are deep throating with a spider gag on.

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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/5/2012 10:14:33 PM   
subbyinlosangele


Posts: 117
Joined: 1/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

My sub and I play with others at play parties. Recently, she was getting spanked by an enthusiastic amateur with a wicked implement, and was about to safeword but she didn't want to safeword to anyone except me.

That took me aback. I had never thought of a safeword as a gift to a partner, so to speak.

How do you view safewording?



Her position makes no sense to me. I'd say it should be the other way around.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/6/2012 11:09:08 AM   
lilcracker


Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I had never thought of a safeword as a gift to a partner, so to speak.

How do you view safewording?

Yet again another one of those gray areas and it makes sense either way, it all depends on who you ask and what their mindset is.

It's just like the whole debate of do you use a safe word or do you not. Personally I feel a safe word is only effective if the person you are playing with decides to acknowledge the fact you used a safe word.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/6/2012 12:52:17 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		Safewords...that's those things they are gurgling out of the gag when I'm long haul snapping them with my single tail! Yah I've heard of those before.


In all seriousness, how you use it, if you use it. It's all just a symbol, a way to personify your boundaries of trust and vulnerability. I imagine that the way in wich that sybolism develops, and what it personifies in particular to each couple or family is as numbered as the stars.

For me personally, they help me to learn boundaries and gage experience with a new or burgeoning play partner. Over time, the need to have a safeword is almost assuredly going to dwindle. However, knowing that you have that safety net, that black box of absolute serenity available, often manifests the courage and comfort for many who are struggling with an intense activity that might otherwise be outside thier comfort zone. Knowing that I am not perfect (although I often say otherwise) I am prone to making mistakes from time to time, that is human to err. Having a safety net availabe, knowing that at any moment the bottom can safeword allows me to also trust in them as much as they trust in me. It is a symbiotic bond that exists just outside the edge of comfort and sits just atop exciting and dangerous. Knowing that you can end it at any time, liberates you from the fears and opens the boundaries that would otherwise keep our deepest desires and inhibitions locked up. In many ways, a safeword is the key wich unlocks us and reels us kick and screaming back to sanity when we go over the edge.

< Message edited by Endivius -- 6/6/2012 12:54:21 PM >

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Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/6/2012 6:58:46 PM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		IMHO ....

Safe words are appropriate for all BUT a partner!

Because, I believe a partner is someone who shares so much, they know without me feeling unsafe.


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/6/2012 7:12:09 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

IMHO ....

Safe words are appropriate for all BUT a partner!

Because, I believe a partner is someone who shares so much, they know without me feeling unsafe.




He isn't telepathic. He can't know if my vertigo just hit. Or if I really need to pee. And for people who are asthmatic, they don't always have the breath to get out a full sentence like "The pollen level is getting to me, could I have my inhaler please?". Sometimes one short word is all you can gasp.

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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/6/2012 7:41:44 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

IMHO ....

Safe words are appropriate for all BUT a partner!

Because, I believe a partner is someone who shares so much, they know without me feeling unsafe.




Yeah, I'd say I pretty much agree with this. I never ever feel unsafe with Master no matter what he does or will do.

Hell yeah I'm afraid of him sometimes lol, but not unsafe and I think that's the difference between a partnership and casual play.



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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/6/2012 11:51:13 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I've had safe words, but I've never used them. When I had them, it was for S&M scenes and it was more common for people to not go far enough rather than push me toward even considering a safeword.

The only safeword I remember ever using was "Goddammit motherfucker STOP." It was in the grocery story and the guy I lived with was behind me, repeatedly pulling my hair. Turns out, he was deliberately annoying me until he heard exactly that, since I told him that was the only safeword I used anymore. I really loved that annoying jackass.

What they meant to me 14 years ago, compared to now has changed so greatly. Now, I doubt I'd be in a relationship where I'd need them, but I'd be more likely now to use a safe word than I was when I first started out, and believed so strongly in them.

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 6/6/2012 11:54:23 PM >

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RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/7/2012 2:42:32 PM   
lilcracker


Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

IMHO ....

Safe words are appropriate for all BUT a partner!

Because, I believe a partner is someone who shares so much, they know without me feeling unsafe.



I'd feel safer using a safe word WITH a partner. How could I trust just anyone to actually acknowledge the fact I used a safe word and stop? Trust is the main thing here.

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: What does safewording mean to you? - 6/12/2012 8:25:08 AM   
jadeofchina


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/11/2011
Status: offline 		For me, the use of safe word is the only respectable way to stop a Dom from crossing the line between sensual play and real abuse. It is safety for the sub and safety for the Dom to know that he has/hasn't gone too far.

I am a masochist but even the most heavy masochist has limits. My last sadistic Dom took away my safe word thinking as a devoted sub I'd take everything thrown my way. But eventually I snapped under physical pain and emotional stress... my basic survival instinct kicked in and physically attacked him to stop him from hurting me even more. He was mad; I felt bad but I also felt like had no other choice. It was just very very messy.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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