Rewards, attention, being owned (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

SP463 -> Rewards, attention, being owned (6/2/2012 4:05:52 PM)

I have been in this lifestyle for just a couple of years now and feel like i am missing the point about things such as "rewards", attention, being owned and so much more. These things seem to parallel vanilla relationships to an almost identical degree. And i basically see the subs as running the show overall and the dynamic of the Dom as mostly symbolic. Kinda like the old joke that i wear the pants in my marriage and my wife says i can.

I guess i am questioning the dynamic more than the kink. Hell, who doesn't like a little wild sex and role playing. Is it really more a symbolic dynamic than the so called deeper connection, more trust, etc.? Thoughts? Thanks in advance for replies.




ResidentSadist -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/2/2012 4:22:46 PM)

Not sure how they do things in your part of Texas, but it sounds like you are talking about Romantidoms, Taken in Hand, DaddyDoms and other forms of D/s that allow both partners a voice in the management and control of the relationship.

On the other side of the coin there is TPE, M/s and a whole world full of rank and order, supremacists of every flavor and dictator style relationships.

I understand what you are saying and I see plenty of "not-so-subbies" like wolves in sheep's clothing topping from the bottom, but I have been around the block enough times to know that I only see them that way because I have a biased perspective. From their perspective, they suffer for their relationship role as much as anyone else or as much as any of my slaves have. After all, slap the family dog collar on the average vanilla wife and that's humiliation.

So it's a matter pf perspective. I keep my circle of friends mostly to people that share the same views on the lifestyle (and life) as I do or are open minded enough to acknowledge that it's different strokes fro different folks.



littlewonder -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/2/2012 4:27:43 PM)

Don't know about other people's relationships but mine is definitely not symbolic. He'd laugh his ass off even to say that. With us, he's in control. I have zero, zip, nada. The only control I have is to stay or leave.

It sounds like to me you are running into online hngs. Now a relationship is a relationship. The same thing goes for these ones as "vanilla" ones. The only difference is who is the authority. And yeah, even vanilla relationships have that too but it's just not said out in the open or admitted to.



lizi -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/2/2012 4:33:43 PM)

I'd like to ask where you are seeing this type of situation that you're describing where things don't seem to match up to what is a general description of D/s with the Dominant in control? I mean are you a munch goer and have personal knowledge of subs running the show, people doing spanky in the bedroom and calling it D/s, or are you reading about it in profiles or what?

I have to say that my in D/s experience I have never really run the show. Then again, I don't seek that. Even in vanilla relationships when I had them I never tried to be the leader, I never wanted that job but filled in when I had to.

*Edited to add: As per your thread title, I don't get rewards, I get a decent relationship between adults- I don't expect to be rewarded for doing what I should do. Yes, I get attention, it's not contingent on doing what he wants, its a part of our relationship. I am owned - to our way of thinking anyway. I have no idea what it means to anyone else.



SP463 -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/2/2012 5:01:36 PM)

All of the above really, lizi. I've been to munches, met D/s couples, talking to other subs online and off, been in a D/s dynamic with one i met from the other side and, of course, reading this board. i have admittedly felt the highs from submitting to a Dom, it can get the heart pounding, the adrenaline from the unknown of what could be next, etc. And the lows have been harder to take than in vanilla relationships, i admit that also. And the attention when given or withdrawn because of his disappointment is felt more intensely.

Maybe i haven't been in a committed enough of a D/s relationship to really see things the way they can be. The "rewards" i really don't get....i get to sit on the furniture? ok..... uh. Affection as a reward? Not really seeing that one either.

lol ok what does hngs mean?



lizi -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/2/2012 5:26:11 PM)

HNG=Horny Net Geek. The ones looking to whack off rather than pursue a RL meeting, or the ones based in fantasy that they see in porn and haven't really had anything in real life. They come here thinking they can fulfill their dream of instant kink and sex at the snap of a finger and all with a blank profile and a cock shot.

So basically you're seeing people who are into fantasies and you're saying is this (BDSM, or D/s) what it is and not what I thought in my head? It's people playing games and talking about things that aren't real like letting a submissive sit on furniture rather than a mutual respect for roles in being a leader and following realistic parameters. People that concentrate on trivial things like speech guidelines, singing the bum bum song (in a past thread a "Dom" wanted this) or being shaved and having that stand in for what you'd consider the more meaty and real D/s stuff like guiding and deep sharing and all that stuff...?

Yes, this is what it is to some people - they're all about silly things like lists and rewards and all of the outside appearance things instead of things of deep meaning. I don't get it either, but that's what they want. Others aren't like that. Stick around on the boards and you'll see a lot of people who take it on a more serious level in the manner that you seem to. No way is more true or better, whatever suits someone is what they should seek. People should be happy. I hope the bum bum song guy found his singer, and that bracelet man is out there with a slave wearing brown and red bracelets- they're entitled to their bliss.

If you aren't happy with the surface type reward givers then push em off asap and look for what suits you more- he's out there. I had a guy send me a first email the other day with a list, in it were things like slave would sleep on the floor, slave couldn't look at his face, slave ate from a dog dish, etc, on and on. First of all I'm not a slave and I say in my profile I have a relationship. Secondly what type of idiot would send someone they never met a list like that? But that was perfect, if I were looking I'd know he was wrong for me and I'd keep looking. I can't imaging it but maybe some 50ish year old female out there is dying to sleep on the floor and never look at her Master's face. I hope they find each other.



DesFIP -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/2/2012 5:47:48 PM)

I dislike rewards. I'm not in first grade, being motivated by a gold star. If he wants to do something nice for me, that's real. It isn't something that I only get because I did something to get it. If it isn't freely given, then I don't want it.

As far as your relationships being about kinky sex and role play, fine. For lots of us, that's the smallest bit of it.

I don't make brussel sprouts because he dislikes them. Same for peas. I have the windows all open with it barely above 60 because he's always hot. What I cook for dinner, the errands I get done, all of that is dependent on him.

I don't even remember the last time we did any role play. Over six years ago I think.



Killerangel -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/2/2012 5:59:40 PM)

Something to keep in mind. D/s seems to attract people that are looking for instant relationships. It appeals to them as a way of finding what they want without having to do the usual work. These are the people who think affection as a "reward" is ok, it's not to me. If I'm going to have a relationship, I want one that will make me feel loved and respected, but that's my take on it. Someone else may groove on sitting on the floor and never being treated affectionately unless it's Christmas.

One thing that you may be seeing as far as running the show where subs are concerned, is as RS suggested with Daddy Doms or Doms that know a female sub is hard to come by and want to keep theirs at all costs.



littlewonder -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/2/2012 7:32:49 PM)

I'll admit I have rewards in our relationship. There are times he won't allow me something, like coffee or certain foods or allowed to do something for various reasons, or there are times when I've done some things in my life that were extremely difficult for me to deal with or do. When he sees me struggle and fight my demons and overcome them, he rewards me. It could be kind words, it could be allowing me to do something, it could be playing with me in a way that I enjoy and that he knows I like but he doesn't really care for it.

Those rewards are nice. It shows he cares for me and that he's looking out for me and that I'm not alone in my struggles. That there is the BIG thing...showing I'm not alone in my struggles..yeah, that's better than anything else in the entire world for me.



KnightofMists -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/2/2012 7:39:01 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SP463
.

I guess i am questioning the dynamic more than the kink. Hell, who doesn't like a little wild sex and role playing. Is it really more a symbolic dynamic than the so called deeper connection, more trust, etc.? Thoughts? Thanks in advance for replies.




Not to concerned about other peoples dynamic.. Just my own. My relationship doesn't work on the premise that we have more trust or deeper connection because we live authority transfer dynamic. Nor do need to inflate are fragile egos by buying into the common dogma that these relationships take more trust etc etc.

We have a great relationship because we but energy into it and use some rather ordinary relationship skills to build and live our life together. Not really into illusion or role playing our roles in the relationship. I have found that greater trust and a deeper connection is a result of being authentic and open with compatiable partners. Seems to me that symbolic relationships would actually be less likely to enjoy a deeper connection with a high level of trust.




Rochsub2009 -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/2/2012 8:52:23 PM)

I agree with what Resident Sadist said.

However, one thing to keep in mind is that there are as many variations of relationship dynamics as there are people. No two relationships are alike. That holds true for vanilla relationships and kinky relationships.

Your relationship will be what you and your partner make of it. Nobody else's relationship really matters. So go out and build the relationship that you want, and ignore what others are doing.



kalikshama -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/3/2012 7:53:17 AM)

quote:

And i basically see the subs as running the show overall and the dynamic of the Dom as mostly symbolic.


A bit off the topic of a relationship dynamic, but studies measuring cortisol levels before, during, and after scenes show that despite pre-scene negotiation and the availability of safewords, a top is in fact very much in control during a scene.

www.niu.edu/user/tj0bjs1/papers/scclm09.pdf

[image]local://upfiles/1052865/8298CE3FEE1246639BB4C38740D8BFE5.jpg[/image]



kalikshama -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/3/2012 7:56:14 AM)

quote:

And i basically see the subs as running the show overall and the dynamic of the Dom as mostly symbolic.


The only time I've seen this in the context of a relationship is when the Dom is lazy or otherwise not up to the task of being in charge. This is not to be confused with appropriate delegation - perhaps the sub is more extroverted and the Dom has put her in charge of being the social secretary, etc.



JeffBC -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/3/2012 2:25:23 PM)

quote:

And i basically see the subs as running the show overall and the dynamic of the Dom as mostly symbolic.

So my opinion and mine only? I think you're partly correct.

In general when I read BDSM stuff I get this read that makes it sound somewhere between ridiculous and fantastical. In real life, dominance and submission is a relationship between two people... or two dogs... or whatever. Like all relationships, it is complex and nuanced. Like all relationships there is give and take. Like all relationships, there are terms and conditions which apply. The idea that I'm the boss simply because I'm the boss is best left to fantasy novels. In the real world, people decide who gets to be the boss based upon complex and ever-changing criteria.

So... my role as being in charge of the marriage IS symbolic if what you're looking at is some sort of BDSM fiction where I'm tarzan and she's jane. If, on the other hand, you're looking at which one of us (between Carol and I) is the one who ultimately decides the fundamentals of our marriage then that's me. While Carol and I both craft our marriage together as a team, it's me who's in the driver's seat. It is that way not because we have agreed to something but because... for lack of better words... my personality is just plain bigger than hers and so it overshadows hers. In that sense it isn't symbolic at all, it's a hard-wired condition of our relationship. Heck, even at times when I'm choosing to move "away from a TPE dynamic" it's still ME who makes the choice and ME who executes the plan and ME who decides if the results are satisfactory. Even when I'm not in charge I'm in charge.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/3/2012 2:38:06 PM)

It's really easy to sit back and look at the visible surface of someone else's relationship and judge it. I do it myself sometimes.

I am just not that concerned with what other people do to get through their day. Sometimes I'm startled, confused, or amused by it, and I think about why, and pehaps try out something new. As long as those other people are not pushing their stuff on me, I leave them alone.














ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/3/2012 2:46:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

And i basically see the subs as running the show overall and the dynamic of the Dom as mostly symbolic.

So my opinion and mine only? I think you're partly correct.

In general when I read BDSM stuff I get this read that makes it sound somewhere between ridiculous and fantastical. In real life, dominance and submission is a relationship between two people... or two dogs... or whatever. Like all relationships, it is complex and nuanced. Like all relationships there is give and take. Like all relationships, there are terms and conditions which apply. The idea that I'm the boss simply because I'm the boss is best left to fantasy novels. In the real world, people decide who gets to be the boss based upon complex and ever-changing criteria.

So... my role as being in charge of the marriage IS symbolic if what you're looking at is some sort of BDSM fiction where I'm tarzan and she's jane. If, on the other hand, you're looking at which one of us (between Carol and I) is the one who ultimately decides the fundamentals of our marriage then that's me. While Carol and I both craft our marriage together as a team, it's me who's in the driver's seat. It is that way not because we have agreed to something but because... for lack of better words... my personality is just plain bigger than hers and so it overshadows hers. In that sense it isn't symbolic at all, it's a hard-wired condition of our relationship. Heck, even at times when I'm choosing to move "away from a TPE dynamic" it's still ME who makes the choice and ME who executes the plan and ME who decides if the results are satisfactory. Even when I'm not in charge I'm in charge.


I agree with what Jeff said above and with RS's contribution, as well. But having said that, when you are on the outside looking in, you really don't know what the relationship is like.

Case in point, not that long ago I attended a meeting for Femdoms and their subs. The hostess was busy cooking up a storm and making preparations for her guests, her sub husband was not to be found. He was upstairs not helping or participating, "b/c he's shy."

Now, that dynamic would not work for me. If I have a full time sub and I have guests, that person would be there in support of me in whatever way I needed it. So yeah, I made a mental note that it didn't seem all that dom/sub to me. But you know, *I* don't know what their relationship is really like. I can guess, based on my observations.

I think the OP may (perhaps) benefit from observing relationships with slaves. Although again, what I consider a slave and someone else does, not sure how helpful that advice is. Everyone has to make their own way in this, and so hard choices must be made, with the full understanding you are constructing a relationship, not some CastleRealm fantasy.

ETA: I'm not a dog, rewards don't work for me.



JeffBC -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/3/2012 3:41:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Case in point, not that long ago I attended a meeting for Femdoms and their subs. The hostess was busy cooking up a storm and making preparations for her guests, her sub husband was not to be found. He was upstairs not helping or participating, "b/c he's shy."

Now, that dynamic would not work for me. If I have a full time sub and I have guests, that person would be there in support of me in whatever way I needed it. So yeah, I made a mental note that it didn't seem all that dom/sub to me. But you know, *I* don't know what their relationship is really like. I can guess, based on my observations.

That is an excellent example CP. I've come to think that trying to evaluate how strong a dynamic is on some sort of simplistic 1-10 scale is a fool's errand. There are just so many moving parts to each unique puzzle. Each dom cares about some things more than others so they don't exercise control where they don't care. Each sub also cares about different things and so some things are easy to one sub and impossible to another. Then there's the chemistry between the two of them which would make some things work out poorly and others well even if it would be different in some other relationship. In the end I've just sort of settled on, "If the dom is in charge where they care about and the sub is controlled where they care about then all is well." When evaluating how "TPE" someone is, I just get some general sense of pervasiveness where it seems "good enough for me". Trying to get anything past those sorts of really broad brush strokes just takes a lot more knowledge than I have of most couples.

In the example you gave, for all you and I know, the sub in question is absolutely and totally there for the dom in every other situation in life and for whatever reasons that particular situation was a bugaboo. Without more data it'd be hard to make much of it.

ETA: I'm not a dog but I like rewards just fine :)



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/3/2012 3:50:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Case in point, not that long ago I attended a meeting for Femdoms and their subs. The hostess was busy cooking up a storm and making preparations for her guests, her sub husband was not to be found. He was upstairs not helping or participating, "b/c he's shy."

Now, that dynamic would not work for me. If I have a full time sub and I have guests, that person would be there in support of me in whatever way I needed it. So yeah, I made a mental note that it didn't seem all that dom/sub to me. But you know, *I* don't know what their relationship is really like. I can guess, based on my observations.

That is an excellent example CP. I've come to think that trying to evaluate how strong a dynamic is on some sort of simplistic 1-10 scale is a fool's errand. There are just so many moving parts to each unique puzzle. Each dom cares about some things more than others so they don't exercise control where they don't care. Each sub also cares about different things and so some things are easy to one sub and impossible to another. Then there's the chemistry between the two of them which would make some things work out poorly and others well even if it would be different in some other relationship. In the end I've just sort of settled on, "If the dom is in charge where they care about and the sub is controlled where they care about then all is well." When evaluating how "TPE" someone is, I just get some general sense of pervasiveness where it seems "good enough for me". Trying to get anything past those sorts of really broad brush strokes just takes a lot more knowledge than I have of most couples.

In the example you gave, for all you and I know, the sub in question is absolutely and totally there for the dom in every other situation in life and for whatever reasons that particular situation was a bugaboo. Without more data it'd be hard to make much of it.

ETA: I'm not a dog but I like rewards just fine :)



QFT because we don't know.


I am sure many look at my relationship with himself and say WTF?

She's the dom, he's her sub, how can that not realize that?

Another example, I was attending a social event, being my usual gregarious self, himself being his usual shy non assuming self, and he decided it was time to leave. He crooked a lil finger, and I ran off to say my good byes and we left. The look on some faces was priceless.

The dynamic is what you make it. Ours works for us. Make one that works for you and yours.






LadyHibiscus -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/3/2012 3:58:14 PM)

That "I don't care" factor is vitally important. There are all sorts of issues that I have no need or desire to control, and some of those things are 'traditional' on the surface. There are some areas where I just plain need looking after, and he's going to be allowed to nag me. Hard cheese if someone else doesn't get it or like it.

I like rewards too, but life isnt quid pro quo, and I'm a giver, not a scorekeeper. Sometimes a snog is just a snog.



CalifChick -> RE: Rewards, attention, being owned (6/3/2012 4:14:18 PM)

OP, I think you have gotten some amazing insights from some pretty amazing people.

I am usually one of the first to try to disavow people of the notion that a relationship based on ANYTHING (kink, BDSM, religion, skin color, the love of cajun food, the inability to whistle) is no more special, no more intimate, no more trusting, no more ANYTHING than any other relationship.  The people make it what it is, not the premise it is based on.

Sitting on furniture as a reward?  He doesn't need me to sit on the floor for either one of us to know he is my master.  Which is a good thing, because then he would have to haul my creaky old self off the floor when it was time to get up.  HOWEVER, for some people, it is a connection that resonates with them.

I have some friends that know me in real life (waves to Hibbie) that roll their eyes, or shake their head in bewilderment when I say that I've earned a death-whack (punishment spank). I don't need a punishment to behave, and I've agreed to the death-whacks because it amuses him to no end (so to speak) and I feel very much his when he does it. Because we are separated for now by distance, it is but one connection between us and between visits (like sitting on the floor is a connection for some others).

As far as me running the show?  Bwah hah hah hah hah.  I cannot even imagine.  He will be the first to tell you that he would be stupid to not make use of my knowledge, but that doesn't mean I run the show.  I give him the information, I may make recommendations, but the final decision remains his.

Cali



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875