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ORIGINAL: SP463
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I guess i am questioning the dynamic more than the kink. Hell, who doesn't like a little wild sex and role playing. Is it really more a symbolic dynamic than the so called deeper connection, more trust, etc.? Thoughts? Thanks in advance for replies.

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And i basically see the subs as running the show overall and the dynamic of the Dom as mostly symbolic.

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And i basically see the subs as running the show overall and the dynamic of the Dom as mostly symbolic.

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And i basically see the subs as running the show overall and the dynamic of the Dom as mostly symbolic.

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ORIGINAL: JeffBC

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And i basically see the subs as running the show overall and the dynamic of the Dom as mostly symbolic.

So my opinion and mine only? I think you're partly correct.

In general when I read BDSM stuff I get this read that makes it sound somewhere between ridiculous and fantastical. In real life, dominance and submission is a relationship between two people... or two dogs... or whatever. Like all relationships, it is complex and nuanced. Like all relationships there is give and take. Like all relationships, there are terms and conditions which apply. The idea that I'm the boss simply because I'm the boss is best left to fantasy novels. In the real world, people decide who gets to be the boss based upon complex and ever-changing criteria.

So... my role as being in charge of the marriage IS symbolic if what you're looking at is some sort of BDSM fiction where I'm tarzan and she's jane. If, on the other hand, you're looking at which one of us (between Carol and I) is the one who ultimately decides the fundamentals of our marriage then that's me. While Carol and I both craft our marriage together as a team, it's me who's in the driver's seat. It is that way not because we have agreed to something but because... for lack of better words... my personality is just plain bigger than hers and so it overshadows hers. In that sense it isn't symbolic at all, it's a hard-wired condition of our relationship. Heck, even at times when I'm choosing to move "away from a TPE dynamic" it's still ME who makes the choice and ME who executes the plan and ME who decides if the results are satisfactory. Even when I'm not in charge I'm in charge.

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ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Case in point, not that long ago I attended a meeting for Femdoms and their subs. The hostess was busy cooking up a storm and making preparations for her guests, her sub husband was not to be found. He was upstairs not helping or participating, "b/c he's shy."

Now, that dynamic would not work for me. If I have a full time sub and I have guests, that person would be there in support of me in whatever way I needed it. So yeah, I made a mental note that it didn't seem all that dom/sub to me. But you know, *I* don't know what their relationship is really like. I can guess, based on my observations.

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ORIGINAL: JeffBC

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ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Case in point, not that long ago I attended a meeting for Femdoms and their subs. The hostess was busy cooking up a storm and making preparations for her guests, her sub husband was not to be found. He was upstairs not helping or participating, "b/c he's shy."

Now, that dynamic would not work for me. If I have a full time sub and I have guests, that person would be there in support of me in whatever way I needed it. So yeah, I made a mental note that it didn't seem all that dom/sub to me. But you know, *I* don't know what their relationship is really like. I can guess, based on my observations.

That is an excellent example CP. I've come to think that trying to evaluate how strong a dynamic is on some sort of simplistic 1-10 scale is a fool's errand. There are just so many moving parts to each unique puzzle. Each dom cares about some things more than others so they don't exercise control where they don't care. Each sub also cares about different things and so some things are easy to one sub and impossible to another. Then there's the chemistry between the two of them which would make some things work out poorly and others well even if it would be different in some other relationship. In the end I've just sort of settled on, "If the dom is in charge where they care about and the sub is controlled where they care about then all is well." When evaluating how "TPE" someone is, I just get some general sense of pervasiveness where it seems "good enough for me". Trying to get anything past those sorts of really broad brush strokes just takes a lot more knowledge than I have of most couples.

In the example you gave, for all you and I know, the sub in question is absolutely and totally there for the dom in every other situation in life and for whatever reasons that particular situation was a bugaboo. Without more data it'd be hard to make much of it.

ETA: I'm not a dog but I like rewards just fine :)