Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

New to the BDSM


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> New to the BDSM Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 2:32:41 PM   
rdy4newadvntr


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/3/2012
Status: offline 		I am hoping to get some feedback from people who are married. Quick background - I have been married for a little over 7 years now. I am new to the BDSM life style, however, my husband isn't. Long story short, we are going to start this journey together, the two of us. I am just seeking advice or words regarding how it affected your marriage as well as your friendship, etc
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 2:38:37 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Welcome.

I am afraid your questions are so broad and vague, you may not get the answers you are looking for.

I've been married 22 years. In that time I've come to the conclusion that I am, at my core, lesbian, dominant, and poly. He is hetro, vanilla submissive and very monogamous. I am a sadist, he is not a masochist. (Although after 22+ years around me, I question that...:))

As for how it affected the marriage....well, there are times that have been pretty fucking rocky. Our relationship has evolved. But at the core there is love and mutual respect. With that, everything else is possible.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to rdy4newadvntr)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 2:40:50 PM   
rdy4newadvntr


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/3/2012
Status: offline 		I guess I am just wanting feedback as to how it affected the marriage. I sincerely thank you for your reply.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 2:44:28 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		BDSM initially strengthened our marriage for a period of time but ultimately we'd grown so far apart after 14 years that we ended up separating for reasons unrelated to our (improved) sex life.

(in reply to rdy4newadvntr)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 3:00:16 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Your initial question is too vague for us. I had to view your profile to even see who is dom, who is sub. Help us out here by supplying some details on where you need help, and we will do our best to give you and your spouse the best help we can.

Many married people choose to segue into a power dynamic type of relationship. Those who are successful do well b/c it is something both parties want. They take it slow and realize a power dynamic is not something you build overnight, even if you do know each other very well.

Please respond with more info.



_____________________________



(in reply to rdy4newadvntr)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 3:16:13 PM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Your initial question is too vague for us. I had to view your profile to even see who is dom, who is sub. Help us out here by supplying some details on where you need help, and we will do our best to give you and your spouse the best help we can.

Many married people choose to segue into a power dynamic type of relationship. Those who are successful do well b/c it is something both parties want. They take it slow and realize a power dynamic is not something you build overnight, even if you do know each other very well.

Please respond with more info.



good answers above, agree. i can't stress enough the part chatterP bolded, that i colored red. welcome, and good luck in your journey.


_____________________________

[Awaiting Approval]

If my experience level makes you feel superior, that is your problem, not mine.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 3:25:12 PM   
rdy4newadvntr


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/3/2012
Status: offline
quote:

Your initial question is too vague for us. I had to view your profile to even see who is dom, who is sub. Help us out here by supplying some details on where you need help, and we will do our best to give you and your spouse the best help we can.

Many married people choose to segue into a power dynamic type of relationship. Those who are successful do well b/c it is something both parties want. They take it slow and realize a power dynamic is not something you build overnight, even if you do know each other very well.

Please respond with more info.



Not quite sure how else to put the question. I simply just would like feedback for those that ARE married as to how BDSM affected their marriage. We didn't start our relationship, friendship or marriage for that matter around this life style. I honestly didn't even know he had any interest until after we were married. I am slowly dipping my feet into the water.


(in reply to Karmastic)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 3:25:59 PM   
Whenready


Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		Good news is that you are starting it together.

From one who hasn't got it right, take it slow. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Good luck & have fun!

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 3:37:48 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I have known many couple who were already married, some for many years, before deciding to move into a BDSM type relationship.

So, here are some questions for you:

What is your primary interest, as a couple, lifestyle or sexual? In other words, do the two of you like kinky sex in bed, or do you want to get into things outside of your sexual relationship?

If it's a bedroom sex thing, well gee, do some talking about what turns each other on, and discuss some potential role play situations. This is a good way to get started on the sexual end of things. (Yeah, I know, the long term lifestylers may have issues with sexual rp, but it's a great way to see what gets your rocks off, so to speak).

If you want to go with a power dynamic outside of the bedroom, again, the best thing you can do is have some informed discussions.

So learn some stuff, either through CM thread searches, books, friends in the lifestyle, however.

Hopefully someone will come along with a book list.

I really do wish you the best, CP.



< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 6/3/2012 3:38:34 PM >

_____________________________



(in reply to rdy4newadvntr)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 3:40:48 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rdy4newadvntr

quote:

Your initial question is too vague for us. I had to view your profile to even see who is dom, who is sub. Help us out here by supplying some details on where you need help, and we will do our best to give you and your spouse the best help we can.

Many married people choose to segue into a power dynamic type of relationship. Those who are successful do well b/c it is something both parties want. They take it slow and realize a power dynamic is not something you build overnight, even if you do know each other very well.

Please respond with more info.



Not quite sure how else to put the question. I simply just would like feedback for those that ARE married as to how BDSM affected their marriage. We didn't start our relationship, friendship or marriage for that matter around this life style. I honestly didn't even know he had any interest until after we were married. I am slowly dipping my feet into the water.




I think that where this is all going is........do YOU want the power exchange dynamic as much, if not more than your husband or are you just doing it to make him happy?

Did he pull and bait and switch and now, you are 'trying it' just to keep him? If he is a sadist, are you a masochist?

There are many many questions that need to be answered before we can give you better answers.

Annnnnnnnnnd Chatte just wrote that way better than I...

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 6/3/2012 3:42:06 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to rdy4newadvntr)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 3:46:29 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rdy4newadvntr
I am hoping to get some feedback from people who are married. Quick background - I have been married for a little over 7 years now. I am new to the BDSM life style, however, my husband isn't. Long story short, we are going to start this journey together, the two of us. I am just seeking advice or words regarding how it affected your marriage as well as your friendship, etc

Carol and I first found out about BDSM somewhere in the 10th year of our marriage. For us, the element that "stuck" was the authority aspect, we didn't explore much with the kink aspects. Overall, the experience has been rejuvenative and transformative to our marriage. My suspicion is that ANY project which we undertook with such team work and commitment would've yielded very positive results -- it could have been butterfly collecting. In general though, I think it's good to periodically shake up my marriage so the fact that this particular project also accomplished that was a double win. If nothing else, it got Carol and I both looking at our marriage much more closely.

It's been about 5 years now and we're both glad we undertook the journey. It is far from over.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to rdy4newadvntr)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 4:48:12 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rdy4newadvntr

I am hoping to get some feedback from people who are married. Quick background - I have been married for a little over 7 years now. I am new to the BDSM life style, however, my husband isn't. Long story short, we are going to start this journey together, the two of us. I am just seeking advice or words regarding how it affected your marriage as well as your friendship, etc



mmmmm.. cyber world ate my last post... and let me tell you it was the most insightful post your blessed eyes could ever see.... but I will try to sum up my words in a more simple matter....

Throw a pebble into a pool of water and what the waves it creates. Now throw a handful of pebbles into the pool and watch the mass of waves going everywhere. Can you tell which wave is caused by what pebble. Trying to determine how your marriage will be affected is trying to understand which pebble affects which wave.

Also understand.. you and your partner are both the pool of water and the person throwing the handful of pebbles. This only makes it more difficult if not impossible to answer your question.

A piece of advice... try to throw as few pebbles into the water at a time. It will make it easier for both of you.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 6/3/2012 4:49:18 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to rdy4newadvntr)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 5:56:18 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		This book has some of her experiences putting control into her husbands hands. Not BDSM specific but more about control and surrender which are BDSM dynamics.

The Surrendered Wife : A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man
by Laura Doyle
Surrendering is coming to terms with reality--that YOU are the only one YOU can change. Doyle gives practical tips and tools for replacing critical, controlling, or nagging behaviors with respect, trust and gratitude. A surrendered wife bravely and courageously commits to making a loving, nurturing marriage the most important goal of all -- and she will receive that and so much more. This book is easy to read, practical, and best of all it WORKS!


_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to rdy4newadvntr)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/3/2012 8:16:29 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		The phrasing is going to be a little odd here.

We're not your normal couple who is into BDSM.  A very high majority of the time, we don't engage in kink together.  We might be at the same place, but we're probably each playing with different people.  Sometimes, we co-top together for a particular scene.  We don't have an authority dynamic with each other.  We did become poly.

It was in the course of becoming poly that was one of the best periods of our marriage.  We got closer because starting the journey to be poly, we shared all of our thoughts, dreams, fears, and hopes in a way we hadn't before.  We spent six months doing that and from that period on, we've continued doing it.  When stuff goes bad, he's there for Me, always.

However, that's not the kink.  That's the man.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/4/2012 6:40:25 PM   
OzFetishDomme


Posts: 18
Joined: 6/3/2012
Status: offline 		I have been married for 20yrs and done almost everything kinky my husband has asked. When we went into MFM I have found it has brought us together as we have talked every inch of the way. We look out for each other and I do not kiss during a MFM.

You need to save a few things that you two only share when you make love. I love my neck kissed and kissing so these two things I will only let my husband do. If you do go down this path, work as a team, talk about it before, during and after and look out for each other!

Go slow when you start and only when you both are ready for intercourse then begin.

Good luck!

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/4/2012 11:37:08 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rdy4newadvntr
Not quite sure how else to put the question. I simply just would like feedback for those that ARE married as to how BDSM affected their marriage. We didn't start our relationship, friendship or marriage for that matter around this life style. I honestly didn't even know he had any interest until after we were married. I am slowly dipping my feet into the water.

OK, I think it's important to point out that how BDSM affected MY marriage is largely going to be a result of how I WANTED it to affect my marriage. The goal affects the journey, neh? So we opted for a TPE dynamic. That left me totally in charge and painting the picture of my marriage however I wanted. I opted for some cross between a love song and a hallmark card. In general, I crafted (and continue to craft) the best situation I can for both Carol and myself. The decisions I make seek to optimize happiness. It's not about her serving me. It's about us serving us. The relationship is custom crafted to fit her and I like a glove. I haven't really used any BDSM roles as a guide. I think I did my job well and so the relationship works well for us.

As a result of all that Carol and I are much more intimate than we were and more loving. We are tighter in every way. Our marriage is much happier because that's what I wanted and I'm in charge. In general I'd say that we both trust and respect each other moreso than we did. Many old and well-worn minor arguments between us are gone now. Heh, in all fairness, sometimes brand new ones spring up... things that could only be a problem in our new non-vanilla marriage.

Our marriage was good to start with. We were coming out of a rocky period but still the marriage was stable and there were deep foundations of trust, respect, love, commitment and all that stuff to build upon. So it went from good to magical. I strongly suspect that different goals would yield very different results. YMMV.

~Jeff


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to rdy4newadvntr)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/5/2012 9:54:28 AM   
ModTwentyOne


Posts: 2504
Status: offline
quote:



I don't send vehement cmail to posters, I'd just as soon hash in out in open forum. That entertainment factor, don't you know.



We would prefer that users remain on-topic, thanks. Feel free to start a new thread if you wish.


Now, I'm sure there's a topic here somewhere, and it's not about a misspelling of someone's name.



< Message edited by ModTwentyOne -- 6/5/2012 9:57:05 AM >

_____________________________

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/7/2012 7:09:19 AM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rdy4newadvntr



Not quite sure how else to put the question. I simply just would like feedback for those that ARE married as to how BDSM affected their marriage. We didn't start our relationship, friendship or marriage for that matter around this life style. I honestly didn't even know he had any interest until after we were married. I am slowly dipping my feet into the water.





For us in our sex life it keeps things from getting boring. When I am pregnant or sick and I need to be really careful it does get pretty boring almost to the why bother point.

In the rest of our marriage I am not around other couples who are into this so I am not sure how typical we are but having a husband who is the last say on major decisions is for me a relief. I can say well I need to talk to my husband first. I am in rural Missouri so that answer works really well around here. But it is not like I do not have a say. He asks me my feelings and opinions. I do not ever feel like I am being run over or ignored.




(in reply to rdy4newadvntr)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/10/2012 8:06:13 AM   
Pyramus


Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rdy4newadvntr
I am hoping to get some feedback from people who are married.


Don't do what I did.
I'm married to vanilla. Well, even worse than vanilla. Let's call it super duper you can't believe how vanilla is vanilla. She's wholly scared by D/s play. It would never cross her mind to own a toy, any toy ... nor to assume any position other than mish ... and even then ... to ever change in tempo or angle. I used to think she was frigid - but she can orgasm fine as long as nothing changes from that single position, tempo, timing, and duration. No touching mind you. Just fucking. No whispering sweet nothings (they are a distraction to her), no changing the angle or rhythm ... nope. It has to be one way, that way, always the same -- all the time.

Now, me, being the cocky overconfident bastard that I am, I marry her knowing (most) of this. But I imagine that I can change her. Sure, we're very much in love (for many things outside of sex), and now we have lovely children and a very religious family outside of our one family unit. I am so sure I can change her that I keep trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and trying (you get the point).

At some point, even though you're in love ... you have to BOTH admit that you're just wired differently. It's not her fault. It's not mine. It's 'our' fault, you might say, for getting married (which I pushed for ... she didn't). But it is what it is.

In the end (ten years or so later and about five years or so ago), after marriage counseling and talking with friends and affairs and all that stuff ... we decided (i.e., we realized) the 'problem' was nothing more complicated than we were wired differently. We agreed she could do what she wants to do ... and I could do what I want to do. We bought a huge home where we are floors apart from each other when we sleep - yet we interact 'normally' in all other aspects in the relationship. She balked when I wanted to bring a favored submissive into the boudoir with her around - so we arrange things, by agreement, so that we're discreet (mostly me, as she could live her entire live w/o sex and be perfectly happy). Again, it's not a matter of blame or fault ... it's simply and purely a matter of wiring.

Long story short: If you are wired so differently than he ... then you and he will need to realize that - and realize you won't (likely) change - so you need to factor that into the 'rules of engagement' for satisfying your D/s inclinations.

It works for us - but only because neither wants a divorce purely over sexual incompatibility (we are great friends and parents otherwise).
Only you can know if that will work for you! (Note: Most would divorce over it.)

PS: Now I know why men hire prostitutes. It's simple. Their wives simply don't meet their needs. Period. It's not any more complicated than that. You can 'argue' their needs are high - and I won't disagree - but the plain fact is that you will eventually get what you need - and if your spouse isn't giving it to you - eventually (days, weeks, months, year after year) - then you 'will' get it ... just not from your spouse.

Think about that ... as I've lived it for more than a decade ... and know it only all too well. (I'd be glad to take the personal stuff with the OP offline to help her if needed.)

(in reply to rdy4newadvntr)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: New to the BDSM - 6/10/2012 9:26:27 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Now I know why men hire prostitutes. It's simple. Their wives simply don't meet their needs. Period. It's not any more complicated than that.

That's actually the # 3 reason in a recent study. I wonder how many are too lazy to put in the effort needed for a mutually fulfilling intimate relationship.

http://www.eaves4women.co.uk/Documents/Recent_Reports/Men%20Who%20Buy%20Sex.pdf

4.16 Reasons men offer for buying sex

When asked to summarise their reasons for buying sex, notions of men’s biological imperative or men’s basic rights as consumers to buy sex were at the root of the reasons given (Coy, Horvath and Kelly, 2007). The reasons for buying sex that were offered by the men interviewed in this study are comparable to those reported by other researchers (Bernstein, 2001; Lowman and Atchison, 2006; McKegany and Barnard, 1996; Monto, 2000; Pitts et al., 1997; Xantidis and McCabe, 2000) – see Table 7.






Attachment (1)

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> New to the BDSM Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094