Demopoly
Posts: 11
Joined: 2/11/2006
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This is an experiment in socio-democratic consensus. :)
to whit:
Despite the expected hubris of being a Dom, I post this with the utmost humility and invite or request that other Doms and Dommes chip in with editing and posting to bring this to some kind of version 1.o standard.
RFED 2006060601
Request For Explicit Dialog
Re: BDSM
Headers: Masters, Slaves, Poly, Fetish, Scene, Lifestyle, Limits, Love, and Family.
Initial query - - "Masters Rulebook:" questions from a new submissive/slave.
Section 1
Definitions and overview.
Introduction - - As a lifetime Master I've been asked certain questions repeatedly, and taught some of the same lessons, positions, scenes, and safety. I've also listened, learned, observed, and watched others in their own methods of play. There is no hard and fast rule about BDSM. The law varies from state to state and country to country, but there are fundamental precepts which should logically apply.
A:
Liability and culpability.
You don't actually cause greivous injury or harm. Nobody is 'really' raped, no one should ever be killed or maimed, and civil rights should NOT be violated. Laws should not be broken, especially federal law. Offensiveness laws and morality laws are in question, but should be respected, such that no one is going to get arrested for their behavior. If there are people doing things that should result in jail, such as drug abuse, wanton violence, or worse, that is NOT BDSM. That's a crime.
B:
What is BDSM then? Pure and simple. Bondage Dominance and Sado Masochism. This doesn't necessitate hacking off limbs or rape. Bondage can be nothing more than holding someone down, or securing them. Dominance can be nothing more than giving orders. S&M is the area where people tend to delve into gray areas of law, where giving and receiving pain, abuse, and humiliation is part of the scene. That doesn't mean that anyone needs to be actually injured or have their rights violated, via kidnapping, torture, or worse.
People have uttered judgments that one isn't a Master if one doesn't believe in certain levels of violence, or if one is too meek to break the law. Others have uttered condemnations of slaves and submissives for setting limits. These are clear indications that one is dealing with an amatuer, and a potentially dangerous person.
B1:
BDSM requires communication, identity, safety, experience, and location.
Not that there's anything wrong with being new or ignorant or inexperienced, but don't act like you are when you aren't. Be honest that you're new. Let others give advice. You can find your own methods and paths after you've learned what the dangers are.
B2:
BDSM requires consent.
No one can be an unwilling participant, except by explicit prior arrangements, and even so, this can breach laws regarding public safety and human rights. Anything considered 'hard core' should be done only by WRITTEN consent, with at least one neutral [non participatory] witness or at least two participatory witnesses, one befriended of each Dom/me and sub/slave.
C:
Emotions.
Rejection is not a judgment. Do not abuse people who decline to participate. If you are a true Master, or if you ever wish to be, you view rejection as either a lesson learned, or a cue to revise your parameters. BDSM is a VERY intimate experience. DO NOT judge people. Be you Master, sub, slave, or switch, reserve your judgments and feelings for private life. It is a warning sign of both inexperience, and arrogance, to 'snap' or become caustic to those who decline to join or write.
Elation is a common feeling. Do not confuse this with love. Many a jealous spouse has suddenly had a problem with the activities of thier mate due to the unexpected 'high' behavior after a scene. They feel diminished, left out, and afraid. Being pushed on pain limits or pleasure limits, doing new things, and experiencing the unexpected often results in very strong feelings both positive and negative. It's best to never try NEW things on a NEW person, without building them up to it. That doesn't mean five minutes of chat over a coffee and then break out the cat o nine tails.
Falsehood is a common problem. People are not lying to YOU intentionally. They've lied to themselves, and are thus inable to speak accurately about themselves. The only way to overcome this is to take the time to familiarize yourself with their life, friends, and activities. Talk to others who know them. Expand your mutual circles.
D:
Limits:
We all have them. Don't pretend anyone can't have them. We don't live on Gor, we live on Earth. It is common practice to request someone list their limitations in private. Some list them publicly. One must then ask if the limits are intended to be pushed, and which ones can be pushed, while not forgetting that there are 'strict' limits which may NEVER be pushed. Drugs is a common 'strict' limit. A deal-breaker would be to use drugs in relation with or proximity to your partner with a No Drugs strict limit.
E:
Relocation:
No person is obligated to relocate. If they do so it is a fine gift indeed. Ask for calendar dates in quarterly incriments. 1st 3 months, generally no meeting occurs before this communication period lapses. 2nd 3 months, people generally have their first meeting over lunch or coffee, or in a safe location. After 6 months, if she/he doesn't meet you, either they CAN'T, or they WON'T. After a year, its certain that this individual will never meet you. This assumes that some distance is involved. Just being a slave doesn't mean that they must surrender all human rights and come at their own expense to your home. It doesn't mean that they must surrender fiscal and real properties. To do so is generally
indicative of an abusive situation, unless financial slavery is explicitly stated by the slave's wishes.
Section 2
Common phobias, problems, and causes for harm.
A:
Accidents.
Being ill prepared, inexperienced, and overconfident can result in the injury or death of another person. It is for this reason that it is of the UTMOST importance to most Doms that they oversee and 'train' new Doms. So many Doms are cognizant and diligent about this danger that a raw untrained Dom is unusual. Any slave who does find her/him self with a raw new Dom should require that she/he attend a munch, meeting, or class as a condition of further contact and activity.
Knives, breath control, bleeding, branding, scarring, ropes, wrestling, play rapes, and many other innocent activities can result in serious harm if things get out of control, or even if the couch just tips over! This is a key reason for always having an 'accomplice.' Think of it as your partner in crime, your mentor, or just a friend of the submissives who agrees to come along. The 'stupid questions' often asked by new people sometimes shocks a Dom into remembering a safety step, or raises consciousness about the security of the activity. "Should that rope be around her neck? It's attached to the ceiling, and she can't sit down." Never fire off retorts to anyone questioning the Dom who is present as witness or helper. Be objective and stop, step back, and re-examine your plans.
A2:
It is generally a bad idea to attempt a BDSM activity as a virgin, with another virgin. A new Dom can learn millions of things from an experienced submissive. I've had two submissives who were wonderfully educational despite my years of experience. One never knows what odd things will occur, or be requested! Don't be ashamed of being new!
B:
Compatibility requires communications.
If you can't make a simple list of what you like, and point out which five or ten things are 'must' for you, and which things are 'rarely' for you, then compare that with another persons list then you've failed to communicate.
Be able to outline, then discuss in detail, each of the things that you wish to do, without wandering aimlessly, and jumping from thought to thought. Doing so makes it seem that you don't know what you really want. That's not the image we wish to present, now, is it? Think about what you'll want to do with the person who has chosen YOU. In truth, the Dom doesn't choose the sub, but the other way around. Submission is a tremendous gift, one to be respected. It is not something merely struck to the ground, and taken as a thief takes a purse.
One can 'pretend' to steal and rape and abuse, but pretending is a reality limit. When either a Dom or sub wish to NOT pretend to do such things, they misunderstand the legal and medical risks that they are entering.
Section 3
Ethics.
A Truth
Do not pretend you know what you know you do not.
B Relation
Do not pretend you are single if you are not. Do not keep duplicate households without the explicit consent of both households.
C Records
Disclose your past. Medical, STD, and criminal history are appropriate for any Dom, slave or submissive to inquire about. Don't lie. It is better to admit past mistakes than to try to hide them. Hiding them indicates that you haven't learned from them, that you are not honest, and that you have the probable intention of doing such things again!
D Fidelity
Don't cheat anyone. Never take money from a slave that isn't a financial slave. Never beat a slave that isn't a cane-slut, etc. Taking on a slave or submissive is a huge responsibility. It is better to deny a connection with them than to start on false pretenses, and then try to get what you want from it. This is a huge mistake made by both Masters and slaves, Doms, subs, and switches alike. If you want to spank, and he/she doesn't, then either find someone else, or resign yourself to NOT spanking.
E Family
BDSM is profoundly intimate. Do not OUT people. It is highly morally and ethically objectionable to advertise the intimate activities of others without their consent. Gossip, mean spirited innuendo, teasing, and flippant remarks are childish and rude. At the very least, they indicate an immature person, and one who should be avoided. At the worst, they indicate a possible stalker or abuser. Don't do it.
DO NOT expose other family members to the risks or consequences of your BDSM activities. This is doubly important for those people who are NOT a member of said family. Causing an accidental or intentional exposure of BDSM activity or knowledge to family is comparable to treason. Entire lives can be destroyed, estates ruined, inheritances lost, and lives lost.
Section 4
How to do BDSM
Bondage:
The act of restraint of another person using wrapping, hands, gravity, or devices.
Dominance:
The act of ordering or controlling another person. The use of another person.
Sadism:
The act of causing pain or harm to another person.
Masochism:
The act of seeking pain or harm from another person.
Common bondage gear:
includes leather straps, cuffs, rope, and tapes/plastics. Each has a required skill level to use, not college graduate level but an afternoon study at the least. Placement and utilization of these items allows a Dominant to control and use a submissive or slave. These items are like props on the stage.
Props:
They do not have to be able to actually keep the slave from taking them off. In fact, it is desirable that a slave is easily able to remove them his/herself without assistance. They are props which allow the scene to feel 'real'. It isn't unusual for a Master to slap or spank a slave for removing them inappropriately.
"Real" items:
Cuffs and bondage which can NOT be removed by the person that they are used on. These items require an experienced Dom/Master who is aware of the danger that these items present to the sub/slave. The slave could not escape if the house caught fire. The slave can't get to a bathroom, or obtain food or water. A submissive could fall and be seriously injured, hang themself, or break limbs trying to get free. NO NEW person should use real items in the first year of being a Dominant, or until a Dominant with more than 5 years experience states that they are ready to use that particular item.
Mentoring:
BDSM is rife with mentors. I've met dozens and accepted advice from ALL OF THEM. It is critical that people in BDSM listen, and learn, from others who have already made mistakes. I've had to cut a slave free rapidly because she fell, and her bounds suddenly shifted such that she could no longer breathe. The presence and use of safety equipment indicates a Dom who is at least understanding of the need for it.
Safety:
The act of insuring that a scene or activity will not result in unpleasant experiences, injury, or emotional trauma.
Safety Equipment:
A knife for cutting someone free.
The keys to ALL locks involved. Spare keys should be nearby.
Firefighting equipment if fire, branding, or other HEATED items are being used.
Blankets, towels, and baby wipes for cleaning up lubricant, bodily fluids, and sweat.
Modesty items such as spare clothing or curtains.
First Aid kit equal in complexity, or better[!] to the danger presented by the scene.
Appropriate location. NO one should ever attempt BDSM in open outdoors without assistance and guidance.
Section 5
Terms:
I implore all other Doms and subs, and others, of all stripes, to comment, correct, and add to this document.
TO DO SO:
In order for the document to make any sense, it has to be orderly. Just because one person edits it does not mean that they will not cut out their own piece to accept yours. Do not be afraid to submit works that replace any or all of the document.
REPLY via email with all submissions. All writing on this document will become a Private Domain document. All authors names, as requested, will appear at the bottom in the section labelled Authors. All authors surrender any rights to this document with regard to content or financial compensation, and furthermore indemnify any person against use of this document for NONCOMMERCIAL purposes. All authors retain the right to protect this document from commercial abuse, misuse, and unauthorized tampering.
LICENSE is granted to all persons to use this document so long as they make no corrections or additions without proper submission through collarme.com email, or email of a surviving entity should collarme.com cease to function; provided that no COMMERCIAL use of this document is attempted.
Commercial use of this document must be authorized by a vote of at least half of the contributing authors who retain a functioning email address. Requests for commercial use must allow at least 2 months for a response.
This document MAY NOT be reproduced on wiki systems, encyclopedia, or other 'non profit' entities without express written permission resulting from a commercial vote by the authors.
Section 6
Authors
Democritus - Chief Editor
? Editor
? Content and Layout
? Legal
? BDSM oversight
? = This is you.
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