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Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:00:00 AM

WantsToOwn

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Hi all, I was wondering if any of you had any ideas of how I could Dom my partner, I really want her to be my submissive / slave, not for publicity though just in the house and bedroom??

All ideas welcome

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:01:51 AM

Kaliko

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Side note...My "Oh boy" retracted, due to the genuine replies rather than the snark I was preparing to see. Good on us! Well, on all of you, since I didn't offer anything of substance.

:)

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 6/10/2012 6:26:08 AM >

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:03:26 AM

littlewonder

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What do you want her to do?

Order her

voila....done.

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:06:20 AM

WantsToOwn

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Want her to do what I ask, and follow orders!!

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:07:34 AM

littlewonder

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Did you read what I said???

Tell her, order her.

If she doesn't do it then I guess that tells you she doesn't want to be your slave.

That's how it works around here <shrug>

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:07:58 AM

kalikshama

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First of all, you are not going to become an Insta Dom after reading a few suggestions online, although LittleWonder nailed it regarding slavery. However, you need to learn to crawl before you can walk, Grasshopper.

Here's a booklist: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm Read the descriptions and purchase the ones that resonate with you.

I see you are 24 and in the UK. If you put in your city, someone might be along with more specific advice but for now you can look for some U35 (under 35) groups near you. (Here in the US they are called TNG, for The Next Generation of kinksters.) I hear informedconsent is a good site for those in the UK to find local events. Try fetlife.com as well.

When you think of her being your submissive, what comes to your mind? Is she bound and helpless? Learn about rope play. There are books, videos, and demonstrations at BDSM events.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 6/10/2012 6:10:27 AM >

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:08:37 AM

thedavezone

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From: South Korea
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I think what they meant was: How can I change the relationship from equal to me being in charge?

Is that right?

Start slow, WantsToOwn, something for her pleasure. Then later, gradually, get her so addicted to kink that vanilla sex is boring. I'm talking over several months here.

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:12:46 AM

Deliena

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For newbies in the UK the local munch is nearly always the best place to go. FetLife is great for getting into contact with people locally in the UK and InformedConsent is also good although I find it works for the South far better than the North (not sure why). The booklist recommended above is awesome.

Good luck with what you want, but talk to your partner, find out what they want too and work through this together. You'll find that the journey is at least as much fun as the destination.

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:13:57 AM

SassySarijane

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From: KC Area Missouri
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How long have you been together? Have you sat down and talked about what you both like and dislike? Have you talked about limits, both of yours? Have you talked about what you both need and want and determined compatibility in those areas? The link to books is a great idea. I did a lot of reading of some bdsm nonfiction books at first as well as talking to people then found my local community, joined local groups and started going to various events and demos and making friends. I've learned a lot over the last several years about bdsm, myself, who I am, what I need and want, what my limits really are and why. It's a relationship. Build it. It takes time and effort.

< Message edited by SassySarijane -- 6/10/2012 6:14:29 AM >

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:15:15 AM

kalikshama

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My (now ex) husband and I discovered BDSM after 10 years of marriage. Our sex life had gotten quite boring, and he'd never quite grasped the concept of foreplay. Suddenly, there were HOURS of foreplay as he teased and tormented me. I became quite addicted.

We did everything I recommended in my last post - bought books, joined groups, went to events, met people, became friends, learned from them. It took considerable effort on his part.

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:17:37 AM

myotherself

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Your first step should be to discuss this with her. Make it clear the kinds of things you're looking for, and see if she's interested.

If she is, then maybe read a couple of books (I'm sure someone will come along with a booklist very shortly) together and discuss what you both want/need.

Munches are a good idea too. Get an idea of what others' D/s relationships look like and see if there's anything you could add to yours.

Good luck!

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 6:23:27 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WantsToOwn

Want her to do what I ask, and follow orders!!

Great, that's a basic. Now, have you asked if this is what *she* wants?

B/c really they are no dominants w/o people willing to submit to them, you know?

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 7:43:21 AM

DesFIP

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Sit down and talk to her about what she wants in a sexual relationship and in a relationship dynamic. Because if she doesn't want this, there is no magic way to make her change her mind.

For all you know, she wants to dominate you.

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 8:36:52 AM

MissImmortalPain

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Myotherself got this one right. Always start by asking the other partner what they want out of the realationship. Tell them what you want out of it as well. See if the two of you are thinking close to alike things and work from there. Keep in mind though that you can not force this person to do anything they really do not want to do.

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 8:51:21 AM

kalikshama

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My ex failed as a Dom to me and his next sub because, while he did have a lot of natural talent, his motivations included bypassing the conflicts that arose in his 13 year vanilla relationship. He didn't realize that successful BDSM relationships take just as much work. Having a submissive is not a magic wand to a tranquil home.

In response to LittleWonder's:

quote:

Order her

voila....done.

I've seen from both of your posts, but especially Kana's, that he does put a great deal of work into the relationship. There's a whole framework into which "Tell her, order her" succeeds.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 6/10/2012 8:52:24 AM >

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 8:56:07 AM

chatterbox24

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denial seems to work.

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 11:57:11 AM

Karmastic

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lots of great answers above. all i can say is, being in charge should come naturally. and ensure there's communication and rules beforehand, ensure she agrees on roles and rules. read up, but have fun and be safe.

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 12:18:07 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WantsToOwn
Hi all, I was wondering if any of you had any ideas of how I could Dom my partner, I really want her to be my submissive / slave, not for publicity though just in the house and bedroom?? All ideas welcome

Ask yourself why anyone obeys anyone else. People do not simply choose to obey because they have nothing better to do. They obey because they think that through obedience they will achieve some goal(s) of their own. This is true in pretty much any context. So imagine this conversation between you and your partner:

You: I think you should obey me around the house and do whatever I tell you to.
Partner: Oh, why would I want to do that?

Now... what's your answer to that question?

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 4:41:44 PM

LafayetteLady

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So everyone has given some great suggestions for you how to learn and how to approach this type of relationship dynamic sensibly.

What I don't see in your post though is that she has any idea you are interested in this, only that YOU want to find a way to make her to "do what you ask, and follow orders." That's just not how it works. D/s may be a power dynamic, but it is equal when it comes to both partners wanting it.

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RE: Domming your partner - 6/10/2012 5:09:35 PM

DarkSteven

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The correct answer is to discuss with her.

HOWEVER

Prior to that, you can use a few little tricks like kissing her while holding her face to yours by her hair (just holding and pulling gently, no yanking), swatting her while kissing her, or just holding her two hands in yours while you slowly explore her with your free hand.

If she likes the above, great. If not, she may not want to be your sub.

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