Questions and advice

Questions and advice (Full Version)

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Stephanie72 -> Questions and advice (6/10/2012 11:27:22 PM)
This is a question for all Doms, Dommes, subs and others. i really need to know what you think i will explain the situation. i guess its better to start at the beginning. i have been in the lifestyle for over 12 years now and have always considered myself to be submissive. i have had 3 different Masters over the years. i met my current Master over 6 years ago and am very much in love with him and we do plan to marry soon. When we first met he had made it clear to me that i would have to have sex with other men and could not refuse any who asked. i willingly agreed to this. i also agreed that He would have total control over anything to do with sex. i did tell him that i would have to get use to that idea since i had never been with another man who wanted to share me with others. About a year after that i did sign rules of submission agreeing to various things and i did promise Master that i would obey every order whether i liked the order or not. So far i have not done that despite Master telling me to repeatedly. Master is now insisting that i have sex with other men during work hours. i don't want to do that and risk losing my job. Master has told me that people do have sex at work all the time and while that may be true it isn't something that i want to risk. i've been on my job for 16 years and do plan to retire from here and i have to work with these people every day. To be fair i want to explain the whole situation. Master and i do not live in the same town. We see each other as much as possible but work schedules do keep us apart. i don't drive so i have to take a bus to work everyday. The bus ride is 2 hours or more each direction on an average day. i work 9 hours a day M-F. i live with my parents since i can't afford to really get my own place on what i make. My parents would not understand my lifestyle choices so not much can really happen at home. Master says that the only place where he really has an opportunity to exercise control is when i am at work and he wants to talk a lot when i am at work which upsets me because i am there to work. He will usually talk off an on for about an hour a day and i get upset and tell him that i can't talk to him all day. Lately it seems as if we are fighting almost daily. We always fight over the same thing. He says without obedience there can be no submission. We fight over obedience and control. He has been telling me that we should just drop Master/sub from our lives and lead a vanilla life since there is nothing in our relationship that is the least bit like a Master/sub relationship. That isn't something that i want to do. i know that i am submissive and i believe that i do try to do what he wants even though i have'nt actually done what he wants. i do talk to other men but i can't make myself do what he wants. Everytime he gets upset and says we should drop Master/sub i promise him that i will do anything he wants if we don't drop it, but then i still can't make myself do it and then the fight starts all over again. When he says we should stop being Master/sub i get upset because it makes me feel like a failure, like i can't do anything right. i have went so far as to tell him that if he ends Master/sub then he might as well end the whole relationship. He wants me naked when i am at home and off work but i usually just put a robe on since parents could walk in at any time. i do sleep nude like he wants. He does ask me to turn on my cam and get naked for him. i do it sometimes but i am really uncomfortable doing so because i don't know who else might be looking. He says that i am the one who is really controlling things because i am the one deciding not to obey his orders. He doesn't seem to understand that i can't do those things at work or at home that he wants me to do. He says that its not because i can't but because i choose not to. What i want to know is this. Am i obligated to obey his orders if i am uncomfortable with them even though i knew about this from the beginning and have repeatedly promised to obey every order whether i like it or not? Am i the one in control and taking control away from him? Is the saying that "without obedience there is no submission"really true? Do you think i should give in and obey his orders about having sex with other men during work hours even if i am uncomfortable with it?

littlewonder -> RE: Questions and advice (6/10/2012 11:34:22 PM)
It sounds like you two are so very incompatible. You say you two have been together for 6 years but during that time, how many times have you seen each other in real life? It doesn't sound like there was or is much communication between you two until now when all these differences are arising. For me personally, Master would not want to jeopardize my job or my life in general. He wants us to grow as together as one unit and in a positive way, not a negative way. I would say you two have a lot to talk about and personally if it was me I would turn around and back outta that situation fast...no wait, I'd run. But that's me. It sounds to me that not only is he in the process of destroying your life financially but also socially and emotionally. Is that really what you want??? I'm just shocked that you're planning on marrying a man where he's planning on destroying you all for the sake of him getting off.

Stephanie72 -> RE: Questions and advice (6/10/2012 11:34:59 PM)
not really

Stephanie72 -> RE: Questions and advice (6/10/2012 11:37:37 PM)
Yes we have seen each other many times and he has told me many times that we should just drop Master/sub and lead a regular relationship. i don't want to do that. We have met quite a few times and we spend several hours on the phone every day.

littlewonder -> RE: Questions and advice (6/10/2012 11:39:37 PM)
I think you really need to think long and hard about your future with this guy. I personally don't see anything good coming out of this but that's me. I would suggest couples counseling.

Stephanie72 -> RE: Questions and advice (6/10/2012 11:42:00 PM)
You're telling me to get out, but at the bottom under your signature you say "He is always right"

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Questions and advice (6/10/2012 11:43:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Stephanie72 You're telling me to get out, but at the bottom under your signature you say "He is always right" (You're not dating "him")

littlewonder -> RE: Questions and advice (6/10/2012 11:44:24 PM)
Yup but in my relationship he isn't trying to destroy my life. Like I said, he wants us to grow as a unit together and only wants the best for us both so he doesn't do things that would destroy my life in any way. We have very similar morals and values. It doesn't sound like you two do at all.

BDBLack -> RE: Questions and advice (6/10/2012 11:49:02 PM)
Well I have to ask this, is it moral to enter into a relationship knowing these things ahead of time and making promises and then not keeping those promises? What kind of basis is that for a relationship? How can he or anyone else trust you when you don't do the things you say you will? I personally don't agree with what he wants you to do, but neither do I agree with someone who blatantly lies. I think your "Master" is weak and is incapable of controlling you. He should have dumped you years ago. I don't stay with people I can't trust.

QTSub -> RE: Questions and advice (6/11/2012 12:02:42 AM)
Why would you even choose to be with someone like this if you knew all of this in the beginning?

kitkat105 -> RE: Questions and advice (6/11/2012 12:08:31 AM)
The fact you are asking strangers on a messageboard should switch on alarm bells. Since you've asked our opinion, accept it. In my opinion this relationship sounds toxic. All good BDSM relationships usually have a good underpinnings of a regular relationship. For example: trust, intimacy, respect. If he doesn't respect you now, why is he going to respect you in a vanilla relationship? If he wants you to be so obedient, why doesn't he provide you an environment to do so? He sounds delusional.

GreedyTop -> RE: Questions and advice (6/11/2012 12:11:42 AM)
To quote Erica Jong: Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't

MasterRJ72 -> RE: Questions and advice (6/11/2012 12:13:41 AM)
Who are you to sit in judgement of what other people do or do not do? You are only hearing one side of this. This woman freely admitted that she chose to enter into this kind of relationship knowing full well what was expected. Just because you don't agree with her beliefs or his beliefs that doesn't make them wrong. You say that you are a slave, if your Master ever tells you to do something that you don't like or agree with are you going to refuse to obey? From everything she said he has not told her to do anything illegal. He is right in the fact that this type of thing does happen in the work place on a regular basis. I didn't see where he told her to have sex with co-workers. She said other men. Do you have any kind of idea of what kind of lifestyle they have when they are with each other? Does she sleep with other men then? There are many Dom's and Domme's who do that and much worse to their subs and slaves.

GreedyTop -> RE: Questions and advice (6/11/2012 12:14:36 AM)
oy.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Questions and advice (6/11/2012 12:19:15 AM)
This is one screwed up situation. He's right about you not fully submitting. He's also a dumb ass for excluding the reality of the consequences and risks involved regarding your job and living situation. Every Master/Dom/Daddy/(add to Dominant label nausea) is different. We all want things our way. Sure we expect obedience, want one to follow rules or whatever we so desire. That's what it's all about. I think he picked the wrong sub/slave and you picked the wrong Dom/Master. I don't see this working out for much longer. In regards to emotions, I recently posted on my facebook account something to this effect "Love conquers all, including common sense, judgement, logic, mental stability and incompatibility issues". Your Master appears to need/want a slave which is more to the likeness of the Story of O. Hey, it's what he wants. My advice, step aside, step down from being his sub/slave so that he can find exactly what he's looking for and desires. Give him the gift of the freedom to devote his time, energy and effort into finding the slave he's wanting. You ain't it. You have a certain reality you need to deal with, and he does as well.

MasterRJ72 -> RE: Questions and advice (6/11/2012 12:19:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kitkat105 The fact you are asking strangers on a messageboard should switch on alarm bells. Since you've asked our opinion, accept it. In my opinion this relationship sounds toxic. All good BDSM relationships usually have a good underpinnings of a regular relationship. For example: trust, intimacy, respect. If he doesn't respect you now, why is he going to respect you in a vanilla relationship? If he wants you to be so obedient, why doesn't he provide you an environment to do so? He sounds delusional. You are the one who sounds delusional. This woman freely admits she entered into this relationship knowing what he wanted and how he was. She made promises to him that she doesn't want to keep. But neither does SHE want to end the relationship. "She" said she told him that if HE ended the Master/sub relationship that she would end the entire relationship. It seems to me that she is the one who is toxic, not him. we only have her word that is what he wants and she has already admitted that she is a liar.

MasterRJ72 -> RE: Questions and advice (6/11/2012 12:23:49 AM)
Finally someone that is making sense. He sounds weak and immature, but she is not any better.

kitkat105 -> RE: Questions and advice (6/11/2012 12:24:06 AM)
Oh stop with your Domly talk. It doesn't work on me. Of course we can only go by what she says, she's the only one here! I still stand by what she said.. if she has to ask for advice on here, then the relationship is probably failing anyway.

landrezy -> RE: Questions and advice (6/11/2012 12:28:18 AM)
Your "dom" sounds needy. Needing to control every aspect of your life isn't being a Dom, it's being an insecure, anxiety ridden submissive. He's not in control of his insecurities. How can you be in charge of someones life when you can't master your own? It sounds like you had enough information to make a decision before you ever posted this. Make it. It's going to suck, deal with it and find someone who is a better match.

LadyPact -> RE: Questions and advice (6/11/2012 12:28:53 AM)
Using fast reply....... It would appear that the two of you are not compatible in regards to M/s. He wants more than you can provide and you will not obey because you feel the commands are unreasonable. That's a major impasse. Sure, you can go on about how much you want the dynamic, love him, or anything else. However, if you look at it, that's not really true. You don't want a dynamic that requires actions that go against your level of morality in your current situation. On his side, that means he does feel you are failing because you are not completing the tasks. So, get to the point where you accept the incompatibility, go vanilla, or move on.

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