Question in the Interview Process (Full Version)

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heartfeltsub -> Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 3:47:53 PM)

When I am talking to a possible potential Dominant/Master I try to ask questions in such a way to not indicate my feelings on the subject because I have found when I do not do so, I get responses that mimic my feelings or desires. After I have asked a question, if the person's response indicates that we are probably not a match, more often than not, they change their response with the disclaimer that they didn't want to scare me off. I find it very difficult to get a honest answer because it seems like most of the people I talk with are just trying to find out what I want to hear. But enough of my rant, my question is actually this and I would like a response from both D-types and s-types. If you are trying to find out if someone is Sadistic or not, (a.) how would you phrase the question or (b.) how would you answer such a question.

Thank you in advance for your replies.

heartfelt



girl91 -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 3:49:52 PM)

I always ask of they are a sadist, do they enjoy inflicting pain onto their sub?



heartfeltsub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 3:52:44 PM)

And if they answer I play to the level of the girl involved, how would such an answer hit you? (no pun intended) I am trying to see if my response to such an answer is atypical.

Thank you for your reply agirl



chatterbox24 -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 3:55:04 PM)

Ask him "Can You do me a favor?" If he responds no he is a sadist.

Ask him "If im really thirsty will you give me water?" If he responds no he is a sadist.



girl91 -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 3:55:05 PM)

I never been asked that question back but I will try to answer it.


Each girl is different, but what do you as a Dom enjoy? Which is more enjoyable to you, a sub with a low or high pain tolerance?



OsideGirl -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 3:55:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

And if they answer I play to the level of the girl involved, how would such an answer hit you? (no pun intended) I am trying to see if my response to such an answer is atypical.

Thank you for your reply agirl


I would probably ask, "So, if she's not a masochist, there's no pain play?" But, honestly, the answer above indicates they are a sadist.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 3:59:21 PM)

Thank you for your replies, those are some great ways to ask the question.



Wheldrake -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:00:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

If you are trying to find out if someone is Sadistic or not, (a.) how would you phrase the question or (b.) how would you answer such a question.

The one time I explicitly asked about this, I think what I wrote was roughly, "Do you like to tie men up and torture them?" The lady in question said yes, and we went from there.



fucktoyprincess -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:01:09 PM)

I run into this problem a lot. I suggest you start by asking them what equipment they own, and how experienced they are in using their equipment, and whether they've trained with anyone or attended seminars/demos, etc.

btw, I realize that not all sadism requires equipment. But I have found inquiring about equipment a useful starting point in discussing the topic of S&M without having to use the term S&M. It usually gets the conversation at least started in a way that is "real" and not just a response designed to make you happy.

I'm sure I will get disagreement on this, but it sometimes seems to me that men are hard-wired to tell a women what they think she wants to hear rather than answer honestly. So getting a completely honest answer on any number of subjects sometimes requires a bit of creativity. [&:]




Karmastic -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:03:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

And if they answer I play to the level of the girl involved, how would such an answer hit you? (no pun intended) I am trying to see if my response to such an answer is atypical.

Thank you for your reply agirl

this sounds similar, at least in concept, to what i've said myself. i can't speak for the others who you've corresponded with. i did that in communicating that i'm not particularly into this or that thing we were discussing (sadism was one of them), but i AM into s-types who have wild imaginations, and can help me expand and explore myself.

and also, part of my enjoyment is seeing the satisfaction of my partner.

so, i might say i have not done that or interested in that myself, but would add it to the play-list if it pleases her, because it isn't a hard limit for me, and it's a two way street in negotiating "the deal".

to your original question - i ask very open ended questions, and then drill into whatever details of the answer they give me. and when i describe myself, i just say what i am. i say, i'm not a sadist, but have some sadist fantasies and such.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:04:06 PM)

I have been asking the question straight out and getting back the reply more often than not that they play to the level of the girl. While I understood giving such an answer for me that doesn't tell me anything. Well that isn't quite true, it does tell me something, but I don't think it is what the potential D-type is trying to get across. What I hear when I get such a reply is that I don't lead, I will play to the level that the girl wants so she is in control of how much pain play there will be. And I am fairly certain that is not the message that the D-type is trying to get across. Being who I am, I know that I need someone who will go until He is done, while still being sane, if that makes any sense. If the level of pain during play is only to what I like or desire, to me there is no submission in the play and it isn't as fulfilling. Hopefully that makes some sense.

So when I get the answer that I play to the level of the girl, I find that answer slightly off putting. I would like to know how other s-types would find such a response.

Thank you again for your replies,
heartfelt



JstAnotherSub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:06:05 PM)

I don't think I ever asked that question. I guess, with the domly dude, we just talked enough until I felt comfy that he would not hurt me in a bad way.

If that makes sense.

Someone who was strictly a sadist would not be a good fit for me.

Good luck figuring it out.



JstAnotherSub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:07:54 PM)

quote:

I play to the level of the girl


To me, that reads the same as I will explore and push your limits.

Which would be a good thing for me.



Karmastic -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:10:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

I have been asking the question straight out and getting back the reply more often than not that they play to the level of the girl. While I understood giving such an answer for me that doesn't tell me anything. Well that isn't quite true, it does tell me something, but I don't think it is what the potential D-type is trying to get across. What I hear when I get such a reply is that I don't lead, I will play to the level that the girl wants so she is in control of how much pain play there will be. And I am fairly certain that is not the message that the D-type is trying to get across. Being who I am, I know that I need someone who will go until He is done, while still being sane, if that makes any sense. If the level of pain during play is only to what I like or desire, to me there is no submission in the play and it isn't as fulfilling. Hopefully that makes some sense.

So when I get the answer that I play to the level of the girl, I find that answer slightly off putting. I would like to know how other s-types would find such a response.

Thank you again for your replies,
heartfelt

not to belabor it, but the guy you describe is not sadist. like me, he's doing it cus it's fun, but mostly to please you, and is saying, "I'll take you to a higher level (if you want) that what i would normally want or do". i don't think a 'true' sadist would give a fuck. no offense to sadists, and please do correct me if i'm wrong.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:13:33 PM)

I think I agree with your accessment Karmastic, which is part of why when I get that response, I figure that the two of us aren't going to be a good match. But I wanted to check if I was reading the response incorrectly.

Thank you for your reply.

heartfelt



Endivius -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:19:03 PM)

When I get asked if I'm a sadist I reply with, "I'm sort of a bastard hybrid of a nerdy twisted fuck with a slight case of world domination. I'll kiss your tears away right before I go back to torturing you some more." If they still want to chat we go from there. If not, well so be it. I'm not gonna pander to her fantasy of what I might be like. And I certainly don't want her doing the same. Transparency is pretty important. If you both can't give it 100% of the time, what the fuck are you doing but wasting time.

She doesn't have to be a masochist to endure some pain for my amusement. It just makes it more fun for both of us if she is. YMMV.



lizi -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:20:34 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

I have been asking the question straight out and getting back the reply more often than not that they play to the level of the girl. While I understood giving such an answer for me that doesn't tell me anything. Well that isn't quite true, it does tell me something, but I don't think it is what the potential D-type is trying to get across. What I hear when I get such a reply is that I don't lead, I will play to the level that the girl wants so she is in control of how much pain play there will be. And I am fairly certain that is not the message that the D-type is trying to get across. Being who I am, I know that I need someone who will go until He is done, while still being sane, if that makes any sense. If the level of pain during play is only to what I like or desire, to me there is no submission in the play and it isn't as fulfilling. Hopefully that makes some sense.

So when I get the answer that I play to the level of the girl, I find that answer slightly off putting. I would like to know how other s-types would find such a response.

Thank you again for your replies,
heartfelt


You asked how other s types would find the response that a D would play to the level of the person they are with...I find it manipulative. Yes, I've run into this type of situation where the questions I ask are answered in a hedged manner till the guy gets what he thinks is some information from me so he can tailor his response to what he thinks will appeal to me. That tactic makes me feel like he's just trying to get some action.

I don't have any snappy way to ask questions in order to ascertain compatibility, I just keep at it. I'm not easily dissuaded and don't have many problems in asking multiple questions.



OsideGirl -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:21:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

quote:

I play to the level of the girl


To me, that reads the same as I will explore and push your limits.

Which would be a good thing for me.



What I get off of it is: I will say something ambiguous because I'm more interested in getting you than being straight up about what I like.







Karmastic -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:22:16 PM)

yw. if you're a masochist, then do indeed go find yourself a real sadist that needs to give pain. guys like me will get tired of always having to pummel beauty. for me, giving pain and/or physical force might be a means to an end (having control), but not the end itself.

all this notwithstanding, i would hope that he would answer back with some keywords and concepts, such as negotiations, rules, limits, boundaries, building trust, safety, etc. i'm a noob and i at least know about these, so any good sadist should be ready to discuss it. maybe ask him "so how do you discern what a girls level is?"



heartfeltsub -> RE: Question in the Interview Process (6/11/2012 4:28:33 PM)

Thank you for all of your replies, some of which match how the words hit me, some do not which is fine, as that is what I was asking for, everyone's honest reaction/response. While my reaction isn't strictly that the response is manipulative, but it does hit me that the level of play would be in my control and that is DEFINITELY not what I am looking for.

Thank you again for all of your replies,
heartfelt



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