Online relationships (Full Version)

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trebor50 -> Online relationships (6/16/2012 10:50:29 AM)

Hi.

I have been on Collarme for some time, my current situation on allows for an online raltionship, which I know is not ideal, I have had a couple of relationships, which have ended to to circumstances beyond my control.

Would be grateful if anyone out there could give me some pointers on what I am doing wrong, perhaps with my profile/pics etc, or is Collarme not really the place I need, if not are there other sites more attuned to online relationships.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Rob



HisPet21 -> RE: Online relationships (6/16/2012 11:17:55 AM)

Hello trebor, and welcome to the discussion side of collarme!

I'm sorry that you haven't found what you are looking for, yet. Trust me, there are numerous lifestyle dommes and dominants, and plenty that seek an online only relationship. That being said, the female dominants on this site largely outnumber the submissive males, and most dominants of both sexes are usually looking for a real life relationship and/or play. That means you have to work that much harder to attract a partner. Here are some tips.

1). In both your profile and in your journal you state something along the lines of "I know an online relationship isn't great, but I think it could be fun." In others words, you are being apologetic about what you want. Don't be. It comes across as insecure and even though it is not intentional, you are implying that online relationships are a less desirable, lesser form of D/s and M/s. Those genuinely interested in online only will look at that and pass over it, feeling that you are only settling for online because you have to. Who wants a relationship with someone who isn't totally into what you're looking for?

2). A great deal of your journal is devoted to complaints: complaining about scams, complaining about deleted messages, complaining about lack of success. No one likes a complainer. All male subs have to deal with the scammers, the findoms, and the rejection of unread and ignored messages. But some take it personally and take time out of their day to write about---implying insecurity and immaturity---while others ignore, block, and delete. The latter come off as down to earth guys who don't take such silly persons seriously. How do you want to be perceived?

3). Your profile tells me nothing about you as a person, only that you are interested in a online relationship. What are your vanilla interests? Who are you, personality wise? What dynamic, specifically, do you seek and why? What do you have to offer as a sub, both kinky and non-kinky? What are some of your limits and goals? You come across as being very generic and, with all the male subs to choose from, there is no particular reason to stop at your profile.

4). In you communication with potential doms, be sure to communicate with good grammar, to treat doms as more than a kink delivery service (unless you want to pay a prodomme of findomme to do so), and actually read and refer to a person's profile and what you liked about it during initial contact, so the potential dom knows you aren't mass messaging.



trebor50 -> RE: Online relationships (6/16/2012 11:23:30 AM)

Thank you for the comprehensive response to my post, I will definitley take your comments and board.

Very much appreciated



Lockit -> RE: Online relationships (6/16/2012 11:31:22 AM)

Great post Hispet!

I was going to say much the same thing.

One question trebor... what does an online relationship mean to you? You might consider explaining what it means to you on your profile because we all see something a bit different. How does it play out for you? You also might explain why you can only do online as most will think you are married and many won't have anything to do with you based on assumptions based on experience around here. Put it all out on the line.

Part of the complaints found within your profile and journal, I don't see as someone else's fault. I see you wanting something, looking to get it and seeking it in the wrong places. Refine how you search and function. If you jump on anyone that will talk and do so quickly... you are more likely to find those trippy little scammer types.

Show your worth in what you seek, by clearly communicating it. Make it appealing... because with online, long distance, with no promise of anything but these things, you are a penny per hundred, exactly like what most will assume you are. A guy that wants some kinky cam action.



DarkSteven -> RE: Online relationships (6/16/2012 11:53:36 AM)

Why online? There are many reasons for preferring online, but your profile doesn't state why. Without any explanation, my first assumption would be that you're married and sneaking.



JeffBC -> RE: Online relationships (6/16/2012 12:13:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
One question trebor... what does an online relationship mean to you? You might consider explaining what it means to you on your profile because we all see something a bit different.

(aside from the other excellent points so far) THIS.

The phrase "online relationship" says not much really. It's akin to saying you want an M/s relationship. It has little or no meaningful content. So what does this mean to you? Are you talking about building a deep emotional bond with someone long distance? Are you hoping for cam sex? What is it, exactly, that you want?

I have two "online relationships" with women here. Both of them are platonic. One is very long-term and deep enough that I've been asked to officiate at her wedding even though we've never physically met. The other is getting into "long term" status and is certainly very intimate, very personal, and very connected at the emotional and intimacy levels. Neither has ever included any form of sexuality. That's just one flavor of "online relationship".

I've also had an "online slave". That also was not sexual. I was helping a woman explore what it meant to be submissive [to her]. I also [tried] to help her sort out her marriage so it also was pretty intimate. I did not give her real life commands. The D/s part was restricted to the online context in a virtual world (second life) and, as I said, did not include sexuality. There's another flavor.

I've seen lots of people exploring BDSM in SecondLife. For most that's fantasy roleplay. For some... not so much. Depending on what you're looking for you might try there. That's why it's important to understand what, exactly, you mean by "online relationship". Different venues are going to offer different pros and cons for different flavors.



RemoteUser -> RE: Online relationships (6/16/2012 1:16:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Why online? There are many reasons for preferring online, but your profile doesn't state why. Without any explanation, my first assumption would be that you're married and sneaking.


People thought the same of me at first, but in fairness I said I was married without explaining that I was also separated. In my case, part of me wanted a woman to know me as a person, before knowing me as a Dom. Now I have my Princess, and that is a LD relationship, effectively online, which may be another variant for the OP to consider. Geography may complicate love but it cannot dictate.

Then again, love doesn't have to be part of the equation for you, OP. What you want, who you are, and the stuff of your dreams should be not only your focus, they should be what you communicate. You've got good advice here. Use it. [:)] You're here to find something. Let others know what it is; they may be searching for the exact same thing.

Best of luck.



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Online relationships (6/16/2012 2:28:41 PM)

Damn,

I myself have issues in finding somebody "fit" for a real time relationship. Not that I've not encountered some very real ones along with the proverbial fakes and game players.

I see people with profiles, looking for "online only at this time" all the time though. Just be patient, don't expect immediate results. I have a couple of platonic relationships with the opposite sex, which fills part of a void. Gets me out of the house and somebody to talk to on the phone.

You might want to consider finding a platonic friend or two while you look.



Karmastic -> RE: Online relationships (6/16/2012 10:20:22 PM)

hi Rob,

i haven't gone through the other posts. i checked your profile. i think the pics are fine and this site is a perfect place to seek what you desire.

i suggest including a little more about what you have to offer someone who's into online relationships. i don't know much about what that would be, but you get the idea.

good luck and have fun in your journey :)




Kana -> RE: Online relationships (6/16/2012 11:25:22 PM)

My advice?
Online ain't a relationship. It's just two people wanking to what they think each other may be.
A relationship involves time, connection, interaction. It means knowing what she likes, what she doesn't, how she tastes, what the changes in her breathing mean (Is she pissed, sighing, upset). It means watching her tremble to your touch, flower with a kiss, glow to praise and watch the sweat drip down her face in the middle of a scene.
It means wanting to watch the sun rise in her eyes.
And you can't do that through a computer.


But hey, that's just me.
And I've always, always, always, been the sort of guy who would much rather be on the field playing than in the stands watching and/or dreaming. :-)



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Online relationships (6/17/2012 4:41:44 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Why online? There are many reasons for preferring online, but your profile doesn't state why. Without any explanation, my first assumption would be that you're married and sneaking.


and

quote:

My advice?
Online ain't a relationship. It's just two people wanking to what they think each other may be.


Here's the thing about the human brain, trebor, it is hugely adaptable, it automatically fills in the blanks for us. And here's the things about the human heart, each and every single one wants love and to be loved, and each and every single one is willing to a certain extent to imagine the beloved as better than they really are. And here's a thing about being in love: It's good for you! It releases Phenylethylamine (PEA) into the brain and makes you feel great!

Now, can you see how these things could make an online relationship feel right, when really all that's happening is your brain is filling in the blanks for you? With online you have no body language to go along with all those pixels on a screen. And most of human communication is in body language.

My advice: seriously reconsider why online only. If you are married, for pity's sake own up to it.



LaTigresse -> RE: Online relationships (6/17/2012 4:57:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Why online? There are many reasons for preferring online, but your profile doesn't state why. Without any explanation, my first assumption would be that you're married and sneaking.


and

quote:

My advice?
Online ain't a relationship. It's just two people wanking to what they think each other may be.


Here's the thing about the human brain, trebor, it is hugely adaptable, it automatically fills in the blanks for us. And here's the things about the human heart, each and every single one wants love and to be loved, and each and every single one is willing to a certain extent to imagine the beloved as better than they really are. And here's a thing about being in love: It's good for you! It releases Phenylethylamine (PEA) into the brain and makes you feel great!

Now, can you see how these things could make an online relationship feel right, when really all that's happening is your brain is filling in the blanks for you? With online you have no body language to go along with all those pixels on a screen. And most of human communication is in body language.

My advice: seriously reconsider why online only. If you are married, for pity's sake own up to it.



All of this.



sunshinemiss -> RE: Online relationships (6/17/2012 7:09:14 AM)

quote:

A relationship involves time, connection, interaction.

Many, many of my relationships are online. My relationship with my family is predominantly online, my relationships with friends (including people on here) is predominantly online, my relationships with some colleagues is online, my university experience is about to become online, my 12 step meetings are online... Sorry, but online is real for some folks and in fact the only available outlet for others.

So for example, my schooling - I don't speak Korean fluently at an academic level, so I MUST have an online relationship if I want to attend university. Does that mean the class is not a real class? Well, if I read the books, write and submit the papers, get feedback on them, and chat with the professor on a university website, I still get credit, right? And golly, having dinner with my family via skype (ok - for me it's breakfast) is a real experience as far as I can tell. We catch up on all the news, we argue, we laugh, we show each other our new clothes / books / phones. I'm pretty sure that's a real relationship. The support I get from the people in my meetings and that I give them sure seems real - it's pretty much just like a f2f meeting only I sometimes attend in my pajamas. We still read the literature, share our experience, strength and hope, listen to each other share, etc. I'm pretty sure I'm still in recovery. I'll check with my sponsor - she's in another country, but I'm fairly sure it's a real relationship. When a couple of the ladies here had b'day parties, they brought computers and let me toast them. Yeah, we still have a relationship. I have scheduled appointments - even had therapy online when I was trying to sort something out...

For some people - including me - online relationships are REAL... Are they the same? No. I can't pet my aunt's dogs, and I don't get to taste my mom's pumpkin pie. I don't get to feel the heat of the birthday candles, and the student-professor interactions take more time than an actual f2f discussion, and a virtual hug doesn't pack the same umph as a body to body hug. But just because they are not the SAME does not make them dismissable.

All the relationships I've listed above include time, connection, and interaction. It may not be your cup of tea - and frankly it's not ideal for me either. However, for you to say they are not relationships shows a pretty narrow definition of "relationship".

I sure would like to hear from anybody who considers my life and relationships to be of the "in the stands watching and/or dreaming" ilk. Yes, I surely would like to hear from anybody who thinks that's how I live. And then, I'll compare notes with that person. Mmm hmmm.



AnimusRex -> RE: Online relationships (6/17/2012 7:35:05 AM)

Adding to what sunshinemiss said-

While Kim and I are blessed of course to live together, we also know that finding a suitable partner in life is difficult under the best scenarios.

When you add in the requirement that that peson be kinky, kinky in the same way as you, emotionally compatible, available, local, reasonably attractive, and oh yes, sane....well, the pool of candidates gets pretty small pretty quick.

So its not unusual that your perfect person is 3 time zones away, and unable to relocate for an extended period. Online can actually be a good way to deal with someone, or explore fantasies you may not wish to act out just yet.



littlewonder -> RE: Online relationships (6/17/2012 9:33:56 AM)

I feel the same way about online relationships as Master does.

For example, when I interact with my daughter online, it's simply both of us conveying information to and from each other. I have no idea how she really is, what she's doing, etc...I can't hear her voice, see her body language, hear her breathing, etc....to determine what's really going on in her life. I take classes online as well and for me they are simply a convenience but if I was to attend offline classes I would better be able to probably get a better understanding of the classes from the same reasons as my daughter. I can feel a better bond and intimacy with the professors which would mean we can interact with each other on a deeper level, a level that just is nothing more than conveying of information online. With my online classes, I have to be focused enough, smart enough to understand the information on my own, the ability to learn on my own from nothing more than textbooks and online information. But it will never replace an offline relationship with the teacher.



LaTigresse -> RE: Online relationships (6/18/2012 7:31:14 AM)

Good points. Which lead me to consider, I think HOW a person communicates also will make a huge difference in whether or not a long distance relationship, or online relationship, is viable for them.

I know without a shadow of a doubt, it's not for me. I hate talking on the phone, skype isn't much better, and emails, instant messenger.......okay, but no real solid warm fuzzies.

Before just now, I've never given it a lot of thought. Just did the whole, not real, quip. Then Sunny posted and gave me more to think about. Certainly I have family members that I love, that live far away. And I thought about it, we don't communicate much when we are not together. The occasional phone call months apart. We all use Facebook to stay somewhat connected but in truth, it's more an observation of small pieces of one another's lives. It's not my concept of real communication.

When my son is in Peru for work, we rarely Skype or chat on the phone, the occasional hi via i-net. But it's not frequent at all. It's kind of as though the relationship is in some sort of suspended animation. Similarly with my other family members that live far away. When we get together, it is as though we've not been apart. The ease of one another's company is still there. But only when we are physically together, is there the type of communication I need to sustain a solid relationship. If I do not have that physical time together, no solid, emotionally attached, relationship feels to be there.

So, with that realization, I mused as to the whys. And for me, it comes down to how I communication. How I connect with people. Words, either written or spoke, are a very small part of it. Body language, the sound of their voice, the facial expressions when they are talking. How they are relating to others. How they are caring for themselves. Their scent. Just so many things that come together for me, to give me a clear indication of what is going on with a person. I don't trust just words. Someone can be telling me everything I want to hear but a completely different story with all of their other 'communication'. It's all of the other stuff and how it matches, or not, the words....that is what I need. It's how I build and sustain solid relationships.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Online relationships (6/18/2012 7:42:44 AM)

I really do live on the internet. When I was younger, I got out and about more, and so did my friends. Now we're at the point where many of us are on Planet Caregiver, working odd shifts, and wiped out from life. Meeting physically is almost an event! Sometimes not everyone can make it to an event, and getting to skype with them is tremendous! (waves to Sunny, exchanges boob flashes!)

I have no problem with long distance relationships, though they are far from ideal. Online friendships, just like the friendships I developed via written correspondence in the days of snail mail, are perfectly "real" to me.

I know where LaT is coming from in that in that words need some kind of backup, but honestly, I have had very few disappointments when my online friendships became physical meetings. One, actually, that I can recall. Can I tell if something is off by their typing? Well, sometimes I can.

When it comes to BDSM type things, and the internet velcro collars...my view is somewhat jaded. There is no way someone can serve me from their side of the screen, except to provide companionship and entertainment. That's worthwhile, but it ain't the same as a solid bite!



LaTigresse -> RE: Online relationships (6/18/2012 7:47:14 AM)

Ya. I've not any disappointments as far as a person being who I thought they were. For me, it's about the emotional connection. Without that physical time together, it just doesn't develope to the degree I require. It stays too shallow and lacks the dimension and depth I want in relationships.



JeffBC -> RE: Online relationships (6/18/2012 10:28:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Good points. Which lead me to consider, I think HOW a person communicates also will make a huge difference in whether or not a long distance relationship, or online relationship, is viable for them.

I agree with this. In addition, there's another aspect that I don't have a name for. But generically, when I was in SecondLife I observed that some people tended to see it as a game and others as a "virtual place". For the people in the first group, online relationships were just a game. For the people in the second group, it's more like using a telephone -- real but limited. There's some sort of mental viewpoint aspect that affects how the entire "venue" is perceived.

It's also worth noting that goals matter a lot here also. I mentioned 3 significant online relationships I have had. But those relationships were never a "poor substitute for a real relationship". They were never constructed to be anything other than what they were. I met someone online. I used the tools I had available to interact with them. They were, from the beginning, online and I don't measure them against some other standards. They weren't intended to fill any gap in my life. They were perfect for what they were.



SailingBum -> RE: Online relationships (6/18/2012 12:05:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

A relationship involves time, connection, interaction.

Many, many of my relationships are online. My relationship with my family is predominantly online, my relationships with friends (including people on here) is predominantly online, my relationships with some colleagues is online, my university experience is about to become online, my 12 step meetings are online... Sorry, but online is real for some folks and in fact the only available outlet for others.

So for example, my schooling - I don't speak Korean fluently at an academic level, so I MUST have an online relationship if I want to attend university. Does that mean the class is not a real class? Well, if I read the books, write and submit the papers, get feedback on them, and chat with the professor on a university website, I still get credit, right? And golly, having dinner with my family via skype (ok - for me it's breakfast) is a real experience as far as I can tell. We catch up on all the news, we argue, we laugh, we show each other our new clothes / books / phones. I'm pretty sure that's a real relationship. The support I get from the people in my meetings and that I give them sure seems real - it's pretty much just like a f2f meeting only I sometimes attend in my pajamas. We still read the literature, share our experience, strength and hope, listen to each other share, etc. I'm pretty sure I'm still in recovery. I'll check with my sponsor - she's in another country, but I'm fairly sure it's a real relationship. When a couple of the ladies here had b'day parties, they brought computers and let me toast them. Yeah, we still have a relationship. I have scheduled appointments - even had therapy online when I was trying to sort something out...

For some people - including me - online relationships are REAL... Are they the same? No. I can't pet my aunt's dogs, and I don't get to taste my mom's pumpkin pie. I don't get to feel the heat of the birthday candles, and the student-professor interactions take more time than an actual f2f discussion, and a virtual hug doesn't pack the same umph as a body to body hug. But just because they are not the SAME does not make them dismissable.

All the relationships I've listed above include time, connection, and interaction. It may not be your cup of tea - and frankly it's not ideal for me either. However, for you to say they are not relationships shows a pretty narrow definition of "relationship".

I sure would like to hear from anybody who considers my life and relationships to be of the "in the stands watching and/or dreaming" ilk. Yes, I surely would like to hear from anybody who thinks that's how I live. And then, I'll compare notes with that person. Mmm hmmm.


Dunno about that sunny. I agree with you up to a point. Comparing a collage class to a online BDSM relationship as one imparts knowledge and the other is more about feelings.

BadOne



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