Previous submissives

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OsideGirl -> Previous submissives (6/17/2012 12:47:59 PM)
Would you / do you take into consideration a Dominants previous submissives when deciding if he's the one for you? I'm the first to admit that the social groups in SoCal tend to be pretty incestuous. ie: I set up my ex-gf with a guy I dated briefly and they're now married. So, needless to say we tend to know a lot of history about those in the social groups. So, a female friend (I'll call her D) was with a Dominant for a long time that was well liked and respected in a poly arrangement. This Dominant died 2 years ago. I've always liked D and respected her as well. To the point where she's one of the few kinky people on my Facebook because she understands what's appropriate. I was surprised to see that she has been dating and is now collared to a guy that I think is questionable based on his previous submissives. Every single relationship has been loaded with over the top drama. He fell madly in love with a couple of submissives that the general consensus was that they were bat shit crazy. (He married two of them) On a weekly basis there were accusations of abuse within play sessions, accusations of limit breaking, "I'm leaving him", followed by "It was just a misunderstanding" and "we were just playing". It got to the point where we all just stepped back from him and his submissive(s). Based on what I know about his previous relationships, if he had presented himself as a potential mate to me, I most likely would have passed based on the fact that he made the same bad decision at least six times in the past 12 years. I'm surprised D has accepted him, but she must see something there worth having (and I'm happy that she's started to move on). So, let me ask all of you if you know about a Dominant's past relationships would you take that into account when making your decisions?

NuevaVida -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 12:56:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl So, let me ask all of you if you know about a Dominant's past relationships would you take that into account when making your decisions? Yes and no. The Mister married his last submissive (who was also his first D/s relationship) and it turned out to be a disaster, much of it due to her emotional instability and his neglect to really see and know what he was getting into. It was an increasingly turbulent relationship, which ended terribly. What I was more interested in, were the lessons he got out of that and how it affected him moving forward. I asked him a lot of questions about the relationship - namely things like "What about that relationship do you hold yourself accountable for?" and "How do you think you'd deal with an XYZ situation like that now, knowing what you know about yourself now?" The past relationships only mattered by way of how they affect him today. How did he grow and evolve as a result? I don't care if he dated 100 drama queens who were over the top nuts. I want to know what he took away from it, and what he plans to do differently as he moves forward in life. Who is he today based on what he went through yesterday? Fortunately he felt the same, in reverse. Because my past two relationships I'm sure left people thinking "Not with a ten foot pole" about me. [8D]

LafayetteLady -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 1:07:15 PM)
This is another one of those things that isn't all that much different if it is kink or vanilla, aside from the aspect that the kink community is a bit smaller, so people tend to overlap (for lack of a better term). Even when dating "vanilla" guys, I tend to ask them questions about their previous relationships and how they respond is important. At my age, most tend to have been divorced, and when asked about their divorce, what they say means a great deal about them. The guys that spend a lot of time bitching about their ex, they are gone quick. Same with guys who have never been married. When you are pushing 50 (or better), having never been able to commit says something about you. Granted in a kink relationship, some of the questions might be a bit different, depending on what you are looking for, but it all comes down to the same thing. Sometimes past relationships matter, sometimes they don't. Sometimes things in the past matter more to one than to someone else.

Kaliko -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 1:13:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl So, let me ask all of you if you know about a Dominant's past relationships would you take that into account when making your decisions? No. If I were into some more risky activities, maybe I would want to more from a safety standpoint. I can see benefit in that. But barring that, no. I may ask a few questions, but more out of curiosity, not a need to know in order to make a decision whether to go forward or not. Two reasons. 1. I believe that people are different in each relationship. It may not be that someone has been so awful as to warrant a bad reputation. It may just be that they had not yet found the right match for them. (Understanding that yeah, sometimes a person really is just a dick.) 2. What others consider to be inappropriate behavior may not be my own definition of inappropriate behavior. I don't trust others to make my judgments for me. I do take into consideration if someone has nice things to say. I seldom take into consideration the negative things.

littlewonder -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 1:35:47 PM)
Yes I do, along with his attitude towards them. If I see that he has been in one extremely disasterous relationships after another then I would be wondering about his ability to handle other stuff in his life. But I also take into account who he is now and what he has done to not fall into those same traps again with himself. I want to see some kind of change in his actions, verbal cues, etc... If he talks negatively about his exes and goes on and one about them as well, that's a sign for me to back out because he has an attitude that says if I ever broke up with him, he'd be the same way towards me. So it's not JUST his exes but how he is today at the present.

NuevaVida -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 2:05:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder If he talks negatively about his exes and goes on and one about them as well, that's a sign for me to back out because he has an attitude that says if I ever broke up with him, he'd be the same way towards me. For me, I felt if he carried on and on about his exes it meant: (1) He hasn't let go yet, and therefore is not capable of moving forward with someone else; (2) He still has too much anger and bitterness in him, and that's going to bring the kind of negative energy into my world that I don't want; and (3) He hasn't accepted responsibility for his part in it. If he hasn't made peace with it, then he's not someone I'd give myself to. I even have friends I've pulled away from because they'd rather be bitter about the past than do the work to move forward and be happy. And that's not a mindset that's compatible with my own.

littlewonder -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 2:14:15 PM)
Yeah there are those reasons also and I've pulled away from friends for the same reason.

kalthus -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 2:58:20 PM)
This is a tricky one. Its a bit like - would you date a divorced guy? Because clearly, his other relationships didn't end so well. In the example you are giving, I'd be asking who was responsible for the drama. If it's him, then no, steer well clear. If was his subs, then - is your friend going to do the same sort of thing?

OsideGirl -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 3:20:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalthus This is a tricky one. Its a bit like - would you date a divorced guy? Because clearly, his other relationships didn't end so well. In the example you are giving, I'd be asking who was responsible for the drama. If it's him, then no, steer well clear. If was his subs, then - is your friend going to do the same sort of thing? Actually, I'd be questioning his decision making ability and his ability to have a healthy relationship. Up until D, he's chosen the same type of woman over and over again....and they all were pretty much like stepping on the burning brown paper bag of dog poo.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 4:56:23 PM)
I try not to judge people based on who they have or have not been with, but on their own actions. Now if his previous suhbmissives were brats in general but he seemed to keep them under wraps, no, wouldn't factor in. BUT if he allowed them to pull him into massive drama repeatedly? Then yes I'd judge that as HIS bad, regardless of which girl he's with, how he reacts to those bad personalities or situations is what I judge on... and I do -judge- some people think this is bad but when it comes to assessing people suitable to be in my life, I am judge jury and executioner.

kalikshama -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 5:00:11 PM)
quote: So, let me ask all of you if you know about a Dominant's past relationships would you take that into account when making your decisions? Yes, especially if he were in an endless repetition compulsion. Last summer, my mom wanted to introduce me to her neighbor, but I passed after she told me about the drama he was in with his ex girlfriend. I met him by chance a few weeks ago, and was strongly attracted, but he's in the midst of more drama. While I have an unhealthy predilection for narcissists, I have learned from it, and each time my boundaries are better and the cycle is shorter.

kalikshama -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 5:08:36 PM)
quote: Its a bit like - would you date a divorced guy? Because clearly, his other relationships didn't end so well. I have no animosity towards my ex husband. We were married young and after 14 years, drifted apart, and divorced 4 years later. I'm happy he's remarried and wish him the best. I am quite fond of my ex Dom and still speak to him frequently. I give his new sub tips on how to live with his narcissism. M and I visited them last fall and I hope to visit them again soon.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 5:21:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalthus This is a tricky one. Its a bit like - would you date a divorced guy? Because clearly, his other relationships didn't end so well. In the example you are giving, I'd be asking who was responsible for the drama. If it's him, then no, steer well clear. If was his subs, then - is your friend going to do the same sort of thing? Actually, it doesn't mean that at all. It is extremely rare that a relationship ends because only one of them is responsible for the "drama." Nearly every time a relationship fails, both people played a part in that failure. I say rare, and nearly every time because when someone is abusive, that can sometimes (although even then not always) negate fault to one of them.

NuevaVida -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 5:44:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady It is extremely rare that a relationship ends because only one of them is responsible for the "drama." Nearly every time a relationship fails, both people played a part in that failure. I say rare, and nearly every time because when someone is abusive, that can sometimes (although even then not always) negate fault to one of them. Totally agree here. And in my case of being in an abusive relationship, it was still two of us who created that - Because for whatever reason at the time, I was OK with being treated like that. So we were both accountable, in our own ways. This is why I find it so important to know what the person took from the past relationship, more than the relationship itself.

littlewonder -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 6:07:41 PM)
I admit there was a time when I was first dating Master and he would tell me about the previous women in his life At first I kinda cringed until he went on to explain them and I got to know him better and realize that he was not the same man he had described from those times with those women. It was a bit of a concern to me at first for awhile but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because of the other factors that made him so damn attractive to me. I also kept wondering if I was like those women from the past and made me examine myself because I started thinking of his track record and that I was just like them and that's why he found me attractive. In the end it all worked out though and I'm glad I gave him that benefit and that I was not as bad as his other women....weeeelll...not completely. [8D]

HisPet21 -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 7:50:40 PM)
Honestly, I think the age of the dominant would have to factor into it. I think that younger people, being inexperienced in the ways of relationships and perhaps overly optimistic, have a tendency to stick it out in poor relationships. It's hard to know what is acceptable and what is not when you have no frame of reference. My first serious relationship lasted almost three years, and it really, really shouldn't have. The man I dated was very neglectful, extremely lazy and immature, and was very close to getting into trouble with the law. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do, that I wasn't being "kind" or "loving" unless I ignored his faults and pushed onwards. I finally realized my mistake when, after he started college, he lost his scholarship after failing numerous intro classes, and I caught myself saying, "Well, I could always get a part time job to put you through school..." and he agreed, without offering to work himself. Meanwhile, I had a 4.0 GPA and a stellar app. That's when I knew I was in trouble. I couldn't let him suck me down with him. Now, I have experience and I know better. So, I don't think I'd hold bad relationships against a younger guy, or a man who married young and semi-recently got divorced. But an older man with more experience ought to know better, and if he is still getting into bad relationships and sticking them out, it shows that he cannot learn from his mistakes, has low expectations for himself and others, and cannot properly handle his relations and social life.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Previous submissives (6/17/2012 10:44:45 PM)
I can only add that I think a sub/slave should consider a Dom/Master's reputation and that both parties if unfamiliar with each other should provide references. If either party has a trail of unhappy exs . . . that is a big clue right there ya' think? "and what he plans to do differently as he moves forward in life. Who is he today based on what he went through yesterday?" I just don't buy into someone that doesn't line up with where they have been, where they are and where they are going. Seriously, imagine he spent previous relationships as a submissive slave, but currently identifies as a switch and wants to be your future Master . . . based on what he learned over the past 10 years as a slave??? Your example was very specific but I don't think it makes a good general rule of thumb. Past relationships should be damn good example of who someone is. I don't take someone seriously if their past is not inline with their present or what they claim their future goals are.

RaspberryLemon -> RE: Previous submissives (6/18/2012 12:21:38 AM)
I can't exactly speak much from experience here. I am my Master's first "non-vanilla" relationship, so he doesn't have any previous submissives, but he has had a few girlfriends before me. He didn't really have a very close relationship with any of them, and almost all of them ended merely because he wasn't happy with them and they weren't compatible with each other--he wasn't "feeling it." Only one of them was what someone could describe as your stereotypical "crazy bitch" as people like to say. I can't say that even if all of them had been in the latter category, I would have refused to get involved with him. While it is true that when someone makes a pattern out of getting involved with mentally unstable or otherwise "bad" partners, the common denominator is them, it's also true that sometimes it is hard to tell that a person is one of those bad eggs until later on--some people are really good at hiding it and put on their best behavior and poker face until they've snagged someone. My dad did this to my mom and she is an amazingly wonderful person. Sometimes it really is just a case of bad luck. And there is also the issue of this: quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida Who is he today based on what he went through yesterday? How the person has learned from and changed and evolved from their bad experiences is what is important, not the experiences themselves. How did he handle his bad experiences? What did he learn from them? That's definitely something to take into account. So I wouldn't make too much of a judgment merely based on a history of "bad egg" partners. My decision would be based more on whether or not I liked everything else about the person and who they are now and who they are headed towards being, and whether I had a good feeling about them--I'm generally a good judge of character, so I trust my intuitions.

chatterbox24 -> RE: Previous submissives (6/18/2012 7:49:32 AM)
Then you get the ones who refuse to talk about the past ......nor do you know anyone who knows their past. How do you handle that one? Do you walk or stay and see.

caelestis -> RE: Previous submissives (6/18/2012 8:42:08 AM)
A history of consistently bad relationships does worry me. Especially if they all had the same problems. That says two things to me. 1. Either the drama they have gone through in the relationships is due to their actions/words/etc. 2. Or they surround themselves, for some reason, with people who cause that kind of drama. Neither sit well with me, and make me very wary about getting involved with that person unless I know them better. I understand that we all get into a bad relationship or three, but when every previous partner has the same supposed failings, that just seems fishy.

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