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Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 6:19:55 AM   
PaganMaster55


Posts: 9
Joined: 10/30/2011
Status: offline 		This is true. I left my mother in 07/07 and never looked back. Now her POA called and said she is in a nursing home and I am in her will. I am dirt poor and deep in debt and was offered be given all the money I need to get out of debt. I am adopted and do to my parents stupidity I was told I was a sinner at six because I swore to God I could not read the blackboard. I was also told it was a mistake to adopt me at six. I needed glasses and instead got the belt. I now stand to inherit over a quarter million dollars, but, to do so I have to break my word. edit "I swore to myself, God and my mother I would never take anything from her again live or dead." My mother is not dead yet, nor has she asked to be forgiven. What would you do? What is honorable?

< Message edited by PaganMaster55 -- 6/20/2012 6:59:36 AM >

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 6:27:25 AM   
kitkat105


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Status: offline 		Well, you've got a little soul searching to do. Forget about the money and do what is right for you at this point in your life.

What is more important to you: Forgiving your mother for what she has done which may provide her with some comfort at the end. With time, she may very well be remorseful for the pain she caused you. If she genuinely apologised, will that make you feel relieved? If you don't forgive her, will you be at peace with that decision?

I'm a nurse, so have been involved in some fairly intense family dynamics when it comes to someone dying. Frequently it works out in the end but we can't help you make that choice. Usually people are very much at peace with making amends, but even though who don't, people all die the same and who's left behind go on with their lives.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 6:35:54 AM   
PaganMaster55


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Status: offline 		I died a six when told I was a mistake being adopted and that I was a sinner due to not doing the work on the blackboard i could not see, my body just has not caught up. I was beaten daily for not doing that work.
My parents married to look normal and adopted me to look normal. They told me that. They were not normal and made my life/death a living hell. The call has my head all screwed up. I am dirt poor and in debt, but, in my experience the easy way out usually has a high price.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 6:42:00 AM   
angelikaJ


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Status: offline 		Whether to forgive or not is not about the money.

Part of growing up is realising that our parents are imperfect. Your parents reacted out of ignorance and not stupidity. They didn't not get you glasses because they didn't want to, they didn't get them because they did not understand you needed them. Ignorance is not knowing.
They got frustrated with you and said something terrible that couldn't be unsaid.
They beat you because they grew up with spare the rod and spoil the child and they did not know any better; which was again ignorance.

Still, those parents clothed you and fed you and probably loved you to the very best of their abilities. They tried to give you a home.
That was their intention when they adopted you.

So, if you forgive them, forgive them because it will give your mother some peace and forgive them for yourself. Forgiveness is always a gift to ourselves.

Don't forgive them because of the money.

Edit to add: I can understand dying inside that day.
I am sorry that you had ignorant parents that put such a burden on you, with you being so young.

Still, I think a calm visit to your mother might make you feel better.
And if you end up getting an inheritance find yourself a very good therapist.

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 6/20/2012 6:46:16 AM >

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 6:47:42 AM   
LadyHibiscus


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Status: offline 		I'm not clear on what the question is.

Say goodbye to your mother. Gracefully.

If you have been left money, be grateful.

My parents are just...the greatest blessing ever. My life with them has not been perfect. I will be bereft when they are gone. I know that not everyone is that lucky.

Speaking as a person who has borne many losses, let me tell you that there are no second chances.


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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 7:06:17 AM   
PaganMaster55


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Status: offline 		I swore to myself, God and my mother I would never take anything from her again live or dead.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 7:13:33 AM   
yourdarkdesire


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Status: offline 		You could always accept the inheritance and then donate it to some worthy causes, although I think you should keep enough to get yourself out of debt.

If it were me in this situation, I would make amends. My mother and I were frequently on opposite sides of the fence. I lived in a different city when she passed away. I got there before she actually died, but she had slipped into a coma before I had the chance to say good bye, clear the air, and tell her that I loved her. I regret that every single day.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 7:25:33 AM   
poise


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Status: offline 		It's pretty easy to "keep your word" while you still have the opportunity to choose to.
Once she's gone, so to are your options, and all that will be left is your empty pride.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 7:27:47 AM   
PaganMaster55


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Status: offline 		I never got to say good bye to my father. He died of smoking related heart attack that killed his father and brothers too. I was accused, in the hospital after he died by my mother's brother, of killing my father. My mother stood by her brother not me. She has never asked to be forgiven and i will not forgive someone that isn't interested in it.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 7:29:51 AM   
PaganMaster55


Posts: 9
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Status: offline 		My pride and a few possessions are all I own. All fits in a back pack.

< Message edited by PaganMaster55 -- 6/20/2012 7:41:54 AM >

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 7:50:54 AM   
angelikaJ


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PaganMaster55

My pride and a few possessions are all I own. All fits in a back pack.



Your pride has kept you locked in chains of bitterness.
If you are in debt then accept the money both gracefully and gratefully and any monies that you do not wish to keep you can do good in the world with.
Now you are just "cutting off your nose to spite your face".

My mother was severely mentally ill for most of her life and was an alcoholic.
It sounds like your parents had some kind of thought disorder at best.
That does not excuse what they did to you but God has compassion for those who are ill.
You do not need to have compassion for them, God has enough compassion for both of you.

However, when your mother has died, you will still have all this anger and bitterness inside of you, and that is a heavy burden to carry all the rest of your days.
Your parents have probably been punished enough, but your self-punishment continues as long as you harbor these feelings of resentment.
You deserved better then and deserve better now.

If you are asking if God will forgive you if you break your word, then the answer is yes.

edit to add: I am sorry for your pain, even the self inflicted part.

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 6/20/2012 7:53:28 AM >

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 7:54:28 AM   
LadyHibiscus


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Status: offline 		I am not a deist, but I agree with Angelika. Your parents have no idea of your bitterness and I suspect they do not care. That line about drinking poison and hoping someone else dies springs to mind.

If you are a pagan, you will understand the importance of humility and compassion. Pridefulness serves no one.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 8:01:30 AM   
RemoteUser


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Status: offline 		People can be nasty, period. No one's an exception to the rule.

When we interact with them, though, it shouldn't be about what they do - that's reactionary. It should be about our choices and what we want to do. Will the money make you different? That's one thing to consider. Will snubbing your mother make anything different? Probably not but again, your call.

Even if she can't change, you can. That's an opportunity for you. Accept it and do what you need to do to be yourself. Remember, you have to live with yourself after, and her, she'll be gone.


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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 8:02:49 AM   
angelikaJ


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PaganMaster55

I swore to myself, God and my mother I would never take anything from her again live or dead.


I have read your profile.
It occurs to me that you made a promise to a God you no longer believe in, as your faith has led you in another direction.
You are a healer: give the gift of healing to yourself.
If your mother benefits as a side effect, then so be it.

You want to do good in the world, your intention is spoken clearly in your profile.
This anger that you are holding onto, this resentment is only poisoning yourself.

I feel very sad about this not-so-small area of incongruity in your life.

I think deep in your heart, you know what the right thing to do is... and you want permission to stay angry.
You don't need anyone's permission to stay angry, sir, but if you want permission to be free, I will give you that.



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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 8:11:02 AM   
PaganMaster55


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Status: offline 		In my mind the money is pay off, or just more I owe my parents. I am truly confused. One sick thought is to see I die first. I am alone and abandoned. I have SAAD. There is no known drug for it. Pot helps, but, I am out. This call has my head spinning. I am afraid of nice or good things happening as they have always cost too much in pain and suffering.

< Message edited by PaganMaster55 -- 6/20/2012 8:49:14 AM >

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 8:18:04 AM   
angelikaJ


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PaganMaster55

In m mind the money is pay off, or just more I owe my parents. I am truly confused. One sick thought is to see I die first. I am alone and abandoned. I have SAAD.


Once your parents are gone, you don't owe them anything.
You don't owe them anything now.

Feeling abandoned is a horrible, terrible feeling but holding on to the anger is just going to keep you stuck there in that dark and lonely place.

edit to add: if you have a therapist, now would be a good time to call him/her.

If you don't, now would be a good time to get one set up from where ever you get your medical care from.



< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 6/20/2012 8:20:20 AM >

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 8:22:52 AM   
GreedyTop


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Status: offline 		What she said.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 8:50:49 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		In your profile you say treat others as you want to be treated.

Do that. Treat your mom as you want her to treat you.

My mom and I did not see eye to eye on much, but the love was always there. One of the things I am most thankful for in my life is the time we had together, as I had her in home hospice, both of us knowing the end was near.

Everything that needed to be said got said. Both of us admitting that we were not perfect and could have done things differently, and both of us knowing that the other did the best they could, as a human being.

Once she is gone, you will not ever have the chance to do this again. Knowing several who have let pride keep them from talking to loved ones, only to have it become too late, I will say that i would rather live with knowing that I did what I could as a caring human being to make things right, rather than live with regret that i never tried.

Good luck. I think once you make up your mind about the important stuff, which to me is not the money, everything else will fall in to place as it is meant to.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 8:51:49 AM   
PaganMaster55


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Status: offline 		I edited my reply to angelika. I am afraid of good things happening to me or for me. They always cost too much in pain and suffering.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 9:08:51 AM   
LadyHibiscus


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PaganMaster55

I edited my reply to angelika. I am afraid of good things happening to me or for me. They always cost too much in pain and suffering.


Dude, you need more help than we can possibly give you. Clean yourself up, say goodbye to your mom, and make sure they spell your name right on the check.

Do the right thing. Everything has a price.

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