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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 9:12:13 AM

littlewonder

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Grow up, forgive and accept what she wishes to give you gracefully.

Part of growing up is learning that your parents, adopted or not, means that they are still your parents and even if they don't love you, even if they have hurt you in the past, you should accept them and love them.

You said you swore to God to never take anything from her dead or alive. Maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of telling you that this is not what he requires of you and that he will not fulfill that oath.

Ephesians 6:1-3

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.

And if I'm not mistaken, most paganism says to respect all the creatures of the earth. That includes your parents. Then again, I'm not a pagan and I have no clue what kind of paganism you are into. All I know is you said you swore to God. Then again maybe you mean some pagan God. If that's true then I guess ask your pagan elder or find out what your pagan scriptures say about it.

You know, I used to hate my mother for years since she was never there for me, always put me down, blamed me for my husband's death, destroyed my father and many other things.

But now she's 74 years old, she's getting old, she is on the verge of dementia and my father is already gone. So as I've gotten older I've learned that she's still my parent. She had her reasons for what she did that I may not always understand. I keep in mind that she grew up in a very different way than I did and that her parents were rough on her and her siblings. I keep these things in mind when I talk to her. I have learned to forgive my mother and to be a better child to her.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 6/20/2012 9:15:19 AM >

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 9:13:07 AM

GreedyTop

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OK, non-edited reply.

Quit whinging. Make up with your mom or don't but FFS quit playing the victim card.

If you decide to attempt amends with her, good on you whether she accepts or not (if she refuses, it's NOT on you, so move on).

But quit acting as if you are the only person on earth that has ever had difficult parents.

My father tried to have sex with me when I was 11. I forgave him and we went on to have a friendship of sorts when I was older.

If I can get past that....

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 9:23:36 AM

PaganMaster55

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She apologizes I will take it I guess. if not I will move and change my name to my birth name.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 9:28:34 AM

JstAnotherSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PaganMaster55

She apologizes I will take it I guess. if not I will move and change my name to my birth name.

If you have not moved on and changed your name by now, I think you enjoy wallowing in the mire.

I suspect you will take the money and run, while continuing to talk about what horrid folks your parents were.

I wouldn't want that karma account, but hey, it is you.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 9:30:57 AM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PaganMaster55

She apologizes I will take it I guess. if not I will move and change my name to my birth name.

Okay, dude?

She is not going to apologize to you. This is not about that, and if you think that it is, maybe you should just go to the food bank or whatever. She is DYING and that is a very personal thing. She is going to deal with that in her own way, and she might not feel any need to apologize to you at all. And if she doesn't, so what?

Change your name to whatever pleases you, it's not like it's difficult. If it mattered to you, you would have done that already.

Be a man. Be an ADULT. Or, be a victim forever. If you choose to be a victim, that is your CHOICE. We choose our own futures, and you should know that. The results might not be what we hoped for, but we shape our own destiny. If you want to let go of your past and make something better, it's entirely up to you.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 9:31:03 AM

DesFIP

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Use the money for therapy to heal yourself and by doing so, prove them wrong. Consider this equal to suing them for abuse and receiving a court awarded payment. Except here, it's a higher court.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 10:00:10 AM

angelikaJ

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"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame." - -- Benjamin Franklin

I can well understand the wish to be free of abusive parents, much like it's a natural instinct to avoid the sick, or to keep you hands away from fire. I'm willing to bet though, that if you look back, you will find that it wasn't *all* bad. As horrible as it is to hear such evil things come from the mouth of a parent, I'm willing to bet there were many more good or kindly words that weren't nearly as memorable now. People are rarely all evil, and few have the energy to be abusive all the time, even if they were of a mind to be. When one denies one's parents though, one denies the entirety of them, and in the process that denies part of what makes oneself, oneself. I know my parents both did and said things that I will forever hold against them, but even that "helped" make me what I am today. One can learn from a bad example after all, though let's face it, the lessons aren't pleasant. Are you really free of your parents abuse if you allow your anger to get in the way of your life? Obviously your anger does not define your life, but like me, it sounds as if the anger is still an open wound, easily disturbed. Do you need to carry that around like Marley's chains just because they gave it to you?

It is a shame that the money involved poisons the thought process, as it puts doubts in one's mind as to motives. It's not hard to see why you have framed this as "is a cool quarter million bucks worth my self-respect, but that really isn't the important question. The important question going forward is:
Is hating my parents so central to my being that I can't imagine how I'd exist free of that hate?

Confronting ones tormentors with their crimes is enormously therapeutic, as is being the bigger person by forgiving them. I know it sounds stupid and new-agey, but forgiving almost always feels better for the forgiver, than the forgivee. Don't forgive them because of the money. Forgive them because you deserve to be free of this horrible anger and disappointment. They fucked up! A lot! They should have known better! They should have DONE better! You shouldn't at this stage of your life have to deal with the evil legacy of their sins of omission and commission. The fact is though, that you have had to deal with that up until now, and it's up to you whether you are willing to embrace and maintain that poisonous legacy, or if you wish to free yourself from it. If their memory still needs to be punished afterwards, donate the money to a home for abused youth or something similarly helpful. Hell, donate it to a cause you know they'd hate. Be a guardian angel to some kid who is in similar dire straights. It does seem to me that they owe you a therapist at the very least to undo their "parenting," but that is just one man's opinion. You *will* want to consult a lawyer or accountant about tax implications though, as that stuff can get tricky if you don't handle it right from the get go.

Respectfully,
The Master of angelikaJ

edit: typo

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 6/20/2012 10:01:06 AM >

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 11:16:32 AM

Delilya

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My Mother turned a blind eye when I was growing up to me being beaten, degraded, humiliated and molested. For years I hated her for not protecting me. However, before she passed she did apologize and I accepted it. That was very cathartic for me. See your Mom, make your peace, take the money. Hopefully it will set you free both emotionally and financially.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 2:21:51 PM

littlewonder

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Did you apologize to her? Because imo, she deserved that also, especially when she did so, because to me you still sound bitter and like a victim. It doesn't sound like much has changed for you except you're happy to get the cash.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 6/20/2012 2:22:51 PM >

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 3:05:29 PM

Duskypearls

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Few are lucky enough to get loved in the manner or form in which they feel they need and deserve. Loving and caring, however limited, can take many forms other than kind touch or personal support. As a rule, people express love to the degree and limit of their own sense of self-love, self-worth, socialization, etc., or lack of it, and it is rarely a reflection upon the person on the receiving end. People do the best they can with what they have, and we will all fail to meet other's expectations throughout our lives. In truth, it is not others that fail us, but we who fail us with our misperceptions, unrealistic expectations, resentments and grudge-holding.

Consider, perhaps instead of focusing on what you don't believe you got/deserved, be grateful for what you did, i.e., life, food, clothing, shelter, water, education, knowledge, opportunities, and finally, being mentioned in her will for a tremendous amount of money. If she did not care or love you at all, she would have never remembered you in it. Acknowledge that act as a tremendously loving gift, and forgive her for not being what you thought she should have been, and remember, there are probably people who feel the same way about you.

Make your decision in love, and while being emotionally present. Until then, you are merely barely surviving in the pain of the past, which no longer exists anywhere but inside of your mind. We are all prisoners of own minds. Few and lucky are masters of their minds.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 3:27:09 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Really well said, Duskypearls! Brava!

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 4:34:36 PM

lizi

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Many others here have spoken eloquently about your situation, and I think they had a lot of good things to say about you having the right to be negatively affected by your detrimental childhood experience, and then the fact that perhaps you should move on from it. It might enlightening to lay down the burden you've been carrying since then of pain, anger, and hurt. That's very personal, and I freely admit I haven't been able to do that with my own mother....yet. Maybe someday.

I have to wonder though what you hoped to accomplish by putting a journal entry on your profile about the money you may inherit. I'm thinking that if people see that, you might suddenly get a lot of interested in parties in the poly household you are putting together, where maybe you never had much interest before. I'm just wondering what your motive is to broad cast to people via your profile that you stand to receive a large sum of money...? I'm not saying that you intentionally just made yourself attractive to a lot of people who wouldn't have given you much attention before, but surely you must realize that will happen right? Why set up yourself to be fair game for scammers or those who are looking for a bank roll? Every person I know that actually has money kind of keeps that to themselves when dating as much as possible so that they know the person they are seeing likes them for themselves and not for the money that they have.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 8:30:19 PM

Hillwilliam

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To the OP. You say you swore to God but you are now Pagan. (better idea from my standpoint but that's just me).
I'm Agnostic. IMO, you swore to something that may not exist. Here's my advice. (You can take my advice and go down to the corner store and get a cup of coffee for it and a dollar LOL.)
Go see her. Accept the money. She may be trying to exorcise demons of her own. Hug her and call her mom. forgive her.

An ye harm noone, do as ye may.

Make her last days happier and possibly find some measure of peace yourself. If you don't feel comfortable with the money, donate it to a worthy cause and make some people smile.

Have a Blessed Solstice.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/20/2012 9:18:49 PM

littlewonder

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Well after reading all the other posts on here, you really really need therapy, deep therapy.
Do you mean SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder? If so, I have that as well and I don't smoke weed to make it feel better and while there is no cure, there are many things you can do to make it easier to handle, such as light therapy, antidepressants, and behavior therapy.
Again, you really need to see someone. I don't think anything anyone says here makes one bit of difference to you. You basically came here to have everyone say aawww and throw you a pity party. Hate to tell ya, but people here are not going to give you that satisfaction. Stop playing a victim and get to a doctor and get help.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/22/2012 5:59:47 AM

PaganMaster55

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Have read all this and still expecting to get hurt again I asked her POA to get me a bus ticket and room/board to go see my mom. What the hell, pain makes the world go round, right? if things do not go well I can tell her to stuff it.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/22/2012 6:35:47 AM

LadyHibiscus

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You would genuinely tell a dying person off?

And you say you're a pagan, and a master?

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/22/2012 7:02:04 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PaganMaster55

Have read all this and still expecting to get hurt again I asked her POA to get me a bus ticket and room/board to go see my mom. What the hell, pain makes the world go round, right? if things do not go well I can tell her to stuff it.

Reality has a way of falling somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. She will probably surprise you positively somewhere, and she'll probably manage to disappoint you as well.

I had the same reaction as LadyHib and telling your mother to stuff it would be petty and childish and beneath you. It DOES feel better when you take the high road in a tense situation and when you look back on it you'll know you did the right thing instead of possibly regretting that you made her transition into death more filled with emotional pain than she was already.

I'm still wondering why you made the decision to mention the money in your profile?

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/22/2012 7:59:30 AM

yourdarkdesire

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I think that the biggest problem is has is fear - fear of being rejected one last time. But I am glad he is going to see her. We can omly hope that they both take the high road.

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/22/2012 9:35:53 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

ORIGINAL: PaganMaster55

My pride and a few possessions are all I own. All fits in a back pack.

Your pride has kept you locked in chains of bitterness.
If you are in debt then accept the money both gracefully and gratefully and any monies that you do not wish to keep you can do good in the world with.
Now you are just "cutting off your nose to spite your face".

My mother was severely mentally ill for most of her life and was an alcoholic.
It sounds like your parents had some kind of thought disorder at best.
That does not excuse what they did to you but God has compassion for those who are ill.
You do not need to have compassion for them, God has enough compassion for both of you.

However, when your mother has died, you will still have all this anger and bitterness inside of you, and that is a heavy burden to carry all the rest of your days.
Your parents have probably been punished enough, but your self-punishment continues as long as you harbor these feelings of resentment.
You deserved better then and deserve better now.

If you are asking if God will forgive you if you break your word, then the answer is yes.

edit to add: I am sorry for your pain, even the self inflicted part.

Money and things are neither good nor bad. There is no evil in money. Only in people and how they use it.

Do whatever you need to do but I suggest taking the money and using it to get therapy and let go of the old baggage you are carrying around.......and I am not talking about the fucking back pack.

In reading further I can echo what Greedy and LadyHib have said.

Dude, you are no master. You are stuck in wounded, whiny, petulant child mode. Maybe you are mentally challenged and if so, they it's possible you do not have the ability to get out of your mire. If that is the case, it sucks to be you and I don't intend an iota of sarcasm when I say that.

If you are reasonably intelligent you should be able to see that, given all of your issues, the ONLY THING ANYONE is going to find worth a relationship with you, right now, is the possiblity of your money. You know this and are using it as bait. Unfortunately for you, and the potential user, the amount of money you are talking about is miniscule. I could blow through it in a few months.......as will you and whomever latches onto you. Then you will be right back where you are now, only with added bitterness about the cunt that took advantage of you for your money.

Quit behaving like a whiny, "oh poor me" twat and fix yourself. Get over worrying about the worthless motherfuckers that fucked up your childhood and work on you. You are an adult, time to take responsiblity for yourself.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 6/22/2012 9:46:16 AM >

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RE: Money or my word? - 6/22/2012 9:42:05 AM

stef

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

You would genuinely tell a dying person off?

And you say you're a pagan, and a master?

I'm pretty sure he's the "Tap-Tap-Tap" master. Reality might not be in play here.

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