Pointers for a young sub (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive



Message

ReMakeYou -> Pointers for a young sub (6/28/2012 10:51:39 PM)

I've met a lot of subs who had a hard time telling the difference between a decent dom, and a heavy-handed guy with very deep issues. Doubly so since most of them either didn't acknowledge themselves as subs, didn't know what communities there were available, or fell in with unhealthy ones. It seems like almost a rite of passage that any sub will have horror stories about. And I'm watching a younger girl I know developing those right now.

So for those who have learned from their mistakes. What would you say a young/inexperienced sub should look out for to avoid all the classic pitfalls?



littlewonder -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/28/2012 11:31:04 PM)

The same ones she would look for in any in and outside of bdsm. Same qualifications apply.



GreedyTop -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/29/2012 12:00:30 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

The same ones she would look for in any in and outside of bdsm. Same qualifications apply.




Yep.



JeffBC -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/29/2012 12:18:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou
So for those who have learned from their mistakes. What would you say a young/inexperienced sub should look out for to avoid all the classic pitfalls?

Near as I can tell the number one danger to young/inexperienced subs is themselves.



epiphiny43 -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/29/2012 12:45:20 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

So for those who have learned from their mistakes. What would you say a young/inexperienced sub should look out for to avoid all the classic pitfalls?

"Don't believe any of your fantasizes will come true in the person in front of you?" In other words, don't be young and idealistic. Which is just more wasted breath to go with about anything else you try to tell young initiates to life. Most lessons only take when accompanied by so much pain the illusions shatter. And God knows, our culture is the best ever at delivering illusions to it's young.



littlewonder -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/29/2012 12:59:14 AM)

Personally if a young sub had these problems you are talking about I would tell them to grow up and take responsibility for their lives. I'd tell them they are no longer children. Mommy and daddy are not going to fix their problems. Welcome to adulthood.

Oh wait...I told my grown daughter this once. Seemed to work.



OsideGirl -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/29/2012 7:54:05 AM)

Did I make some mistakes? Yup and I learned from them.

Do I have horror stories? Nope. I was cautious, used my head and respected myself.



littleone35 -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/29/2012 8:20:40 AM)

You should look at the post "the worst Dom you ever mert".  Might give you some idea.

Matt's littleone



poise -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/29/2012 8:37:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

I've met a lot of subs who had a hard time telling the difference between a decent dom, and a heavy-handed guy
with very deep issues. Doubly so since most of them either didn't acknowledge themselves as subs,


I agree with Jeff when he says the number one danger is themselves. I wanted to add to that, based on the
highlighted portion. Many women who first come to the realization that they are submissive think that all of a
sudden, they have to change who they are and how they carry themselves to reflect that stereotypical doormat
that alot of people associate with being submissive. They are too quick to dispose of any self worth they may have,
and feel they have to do things to prove they are submissive, as opposed to proving they are a woman worthy of a good man.

As littlewonder said, the same common sense applies when searching for a compatible partner, whether vanilla or D/s.
In vanillaland, a man who only wants to have sex with you isn't really relationship material.
In BDSMland, a man who is only interested in seeing how submissive you can be isn't good relationship material either.



OsideGirl -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/29/2012 8:48:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise
Many women who first come to the realization that they are submissive think that all of a
sudden, they have to change who they are and how they carry themselves to reflect that stereotypical doormat
that alot of people associate with being submissive. They are too quick to dispose of any self worth they may have,
and feel they have to do things to prove they are submissive, as opposed to proving they are a woman worthy of a good man.


Bolded and brightened for truth. Poise has nailed it.



littlewonder -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/29/2012 9:01:21 AM)

Ya know, we see sooooo many posts on here like this. Can't someone make a sticky and we can just refer them to it? If not I think I'm gonna put a disclaimer in my signature about bdsm is not special. UGH



Salinedion -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/29/2012 2:01:07 PM)

I just like the whole idea of knowing "a lot of subs" and then being the world-weary Yoda-figure who sagely advises them.

What a great life. Not one perv in a million meets enough submissive women to even have a policy on it.



DesFIP -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/30/2012 8:45:55 AM)

A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. You still have the same needs as you did before you had kinky sex, if they aren't being fulfilled then you'll still be unhappy.



ReMakeYou -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/30/2012 4:15:55 PM)

Little&Des: It's all nice and internetty to say "know yourself, it has the same rules as any other relationship". But most people don't want things that, but for certain protocols, would easily qualify as abuse. So between the ones who think that keeping their True Sub status involves putting up with everything that happens, and the ones who stumble blindly around looking for something without knowing the protocols, it's a little more complex than that.



ProlificNeeds -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/30/2012 7:19:33 PM)

Common sense, apply it to everything and stop making decisions based on the flutter of your heart, or the pulse of your cunt. It's about the only universal advice to give, and applies to all young inexperienced girls, not just in the BDSM world.

In BDSM? Best advice I could offer is, "Don't take anyone's word for it". Just because some stuffed shirt says "This is how it is in BDSM-land..." Doesn't make it right, or even true. Expect the same courtesies and be cautious just as you would in any vanilla setting, strangers are strangers, and until someone EARNS your trust, don't take them at their word if it could lead to harm.



BitaTruble -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (6/30/2012 7:24:58 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

What would you say a young/inexperienced sub should look out for to avoid all the classic pitfalls?

Don't avoid them. Go out, make mistakes. Fuck up. Do everything. Get scars, find joy, pack a bag then be prepared to dump it out on a moments notice. Breath. Live.



JeffBC -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (7/1/2012 6:32:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou
Little&Des: It's all nice and internetty to say "know yourself, it has the same rules as any other relationship".

OK, now I'm going to step into this conversation a bit more fully. It is not "internetty", as you put it to "know yourself". It is a basic maxim of life. Those who do, succeed. Those who do not, fail -- or at best attain mediocrity. What next? Are you planning on downplaying the golden rule too?

But most people don't want things that, but for certain protocols, would easily qualify as abuse.
It is not the protocols which disqualify it as abuse. It is the context surrounding the action which, in turn, changes the way it's perceived which, in turn changes its effect on the participants.

So between the ones who think that keeping their True Sub status involves putting up with everything that happens
OK, a bit of goodness here. It would help inexperienced subs to know there is no such thing as a true sub/slave and that if the relationship isn't making them happy then it's broken.

and the ones who stumble blindly around looking for something without knowing the protocols, it's a little more complex than that.
"the protocols"??? Which protocols are these you're referring to. I didn't learn any protocols when I engaged in this. I cobbled together some mishmash of ideas... largely from Gor and the business section of the bookstore... then applied them as appropriate to my actual life.

But here, if you don't like the more philosophical answers, then here are some things inexperienced subs should avoid.

Protocols: In general, doms trot this shit out as a manipulation technique to get you to do shit you don't want to do, eg: "According to the illustrious traditions of the house of the rising moon which dates back to the 4th dynasty, slaves can never nag about forgetting to mow the lawn." Don't be blinded by the razzle-dazzle. You either want to do it or you don't. Sometimes, we all do things we don't want to do. But if you're considering that, be sure you have a clear answer as to why you would do it and how it's going to work out for you.

Protectors: Hands down I would say to any sub be extraordinarily wary of anyone who wants to "protect" you. At worst, it is a blatant ploy to win your trust before using that trust in an unethical manner. At best it's likely to be some do-gooder who's going to do more to inculcate a victim mentality in your head than to actually "protect" you. They are more likely to weaken you. Protect yourself.



GreedyTop -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (7/1/2012 6:51:02 AM)

*what Bita and Jeff said*



PrincessDonna11 -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (7/1/2012 7:19:22 AM)

Dom or sub is a personality trait thats the first thing,we are not an under class of people that spend 24/7 scening and are not kinky sex craved freaks. The most important advice I would offer is dont get caught up in the moment of the lifestyle and forget that real life is always here.



GreedyTop -> RE: Pointers for a young sub (7/1/2012 7:29:52 AM)

excellent point, Donna :)



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875